CARS' 5th Anniversary-A-Palooza!

A week from today, Crazy Apple Rumors Site will celebrate its 5th anniversary!

Hard to believe, isn’t it? What began in a Waffle House in Lancaster, Penn., has turned into an rumor publishing phenomenon that has seen Apple through the transition to OS X, the ascendancy of the iPod, the transition to Intel and the institution of “Pantsless Fridays” at One Infinite Loop.

The best thing about turning 5 is that we get to throw an embarrassing cake and soda pop-induced tantrum on the floor of the Tacoma Chuck E. Cheese, the likes of which has not been seen since 1993 when Brandon McCardle managed to wedge himself in the mechanism of the giant rotating mouse or rat or whatever that is, causing it to grind to a halt and forcing local firefighters to use the jaws of life to extricate him.

Interestingly, Brandon’s now a bond trader.

But more than making this just another edition of “Rumor Site Writers Gone Wild”, we want you to share in the joyous celebration. To that end, we’ll be giving away something each day next week. It’s all crap, of course, but if you’d like to get in on that there crap, send an email to editor@crazyapplerumors.com and we’ll enter you.

Uh…

That came out wrong.

Anyway, there’ll be some shirts (if you won’t buy them, then we’ll just have to give them to you to get you to wear them, dammit) and some bumper stickers and… I dunno… maybe some squid steaks or something. I’ll check the stock room and see what we have back there. The Entity’s eaten all the Baked Lay’s, but there might be a box or two of Screaming Yellow Zonkers.

There may be some special visitors, some surprises and rides for the kids.

Yep, could be ponies.

We just want to thank you for sharing our dream. A dream that started with waffles and culminated in hot, steamy sex with scores of nubile, young, rumor site groupies.

Uh…

Wait a minute…

OK, it’s cool. Just checking to see if my mom was still reading. She’s not. She’s off making her patented gingerbread cookies for the holidays.

So, in conclusion, hot lesbian sex.

Thank you.

What was I talking about again?

59 thoughts on “CARS' 5th Anniversary-A-Palooza!”

  1. I am 5th. And it is the 5th anniversary. Does that mean 2 ponies!!!! With roller skates and a wet T-shirt?

  2. All great things begin in a Waffle House… and end in the bloody razing of an entire town full of ninja in rural Japan.

    But let’s concentrate on the beginning for now. Rock on CARS!

  3. Sorry John, but I’m not sure if I want to be entered, especially by Ugluk, he kind of scares me. Now of course, if your talking about ponies, I have some great .divx files with…….

    Oh sorry, that’s a bit OT.

  4. Here’s hoping there will be a boxed set of CARS thus far, because I missed the first three seasons. You know, before CARS jumped the shark.

  5. John, slow down.

    At the rate you live, you wont last a week.

    What the hell, the strain of giving things away will kill you.

  6. Sorry I can’t attend the celebration at Chuck E.’s, but I highly recommend playing in the pool filled with plastic balls. My mom says it’s better than Valium, just don’t forget to wash any exposed skin immediately afterwards. You know what children do in pools.

  7. Happy birthday CARS!
    And by the way, are those shirts going to be Schiller-related? ‘Cos you should *really* be giving away something with Phil on. I mean, that’s why we come here, to hear about Phil.
    It’s nothing personal guys, just… you know.

  8. I can’t believe I’ve been viewing this site 5 days a week for 5 years now like it was some kind of mind numbing smack addiction.
    I feel so dirty. What have I done with my life Moltz? TELL ME! It’s all your fault.

    I guess I’ll be back tomorrow. I just can’t help myself…. :::::sob:::::

  9. I had no idea that Chuck D from Public Enemy was a Switcher. And a fan of Mac rumors. Now he’s throughing you a party. I bet he could bring naked ponies.

    Cowards love free Crap!

  10. Free stuff. Cool. I’d like a plastic cup of lukewarm light beer and a foreign made, thin tee shirt with a fading logo. Also a couple of curling-at-the-corners slices of pizza with too much sauce and not enough cheese would be nice.

    Happy Fifth, John.

    Speaking of which, a fifth would be nice, too.

    Oh hell. Not tuna casserole again.

  11. So we just send an e-mail? That’s it? We don’t have to write about our favorite summer vacation or why sexbots are better than ponies and vice versa?

    I can handle that. I think.

    Soooo….. Did I win?

  12. By “Nubile, young rumor site groupies,” what you really mean is pasty, overweight, balding, middle-aged loser guys.

    Except for Del and her Ponies of Justice[TM]. And Masako. And any other female commenter posing as a man.

    (Mmmmmmm…Masako…)

  13. Nude Jeniffer Connolly and now hot lesbian sex.
    I sense a pattern…
    Jennifer Connolly and hot lesbian sex…

    Sorry, I’m still picturing that. Yep, I’m done. Gotta to to the bathroom now.

  14. Five years??? Hell, I’ve got underwear older than that (hmmm… maybe I should get around to washing them… naw… too much work…)

    Anyways, congrats.

  15. “has turning into an rumor publishing phenomenon”?

    I sure do hope you mean either “has turned” or “is turning”.

    Do I get a sexbot for catching that? How about a pony?

  16. I’d just like to point out, for the record, that Pantsless Fridays are an OPTIONAL thing at Infinite Loop. It’s not required. Well, for some people it’s, like, anti-required. Or whatever. You know, they specifically aren’t allowed to participate.

    There’s got to be a better word than “anti-required.”

    I guess that “Heliotropic” might be a better word. Yeah, it doesn’t mean the same thing, but it is a better word. You can’t deny that.

    Oh, and Happy Birthday!

  17. Oh, and I should also point out that Pantsless Fridays are specifically for the people on Infinite Loop. The other buildings aren’t allowed to participate.

    And, of course, Caffé Macs still has the “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy.

  18. As the unofficial, official, self-proclaimed, new guy around here (hey, Hey! HEY!! Leave off the wedgies now!) I just want to say, “Holy Bat-crap! Five years old?!?” I knew I missed out on the Mega-Post, but five years?!!?

    Way to go! I’ll be sure to enter my name for a freebie. Faded, foreign tee-shirts are my favorite. Even if they are not ©, ®, or â„¢. ☺

    Oh, and…
    gggrrRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrr, Del.

  19. Five years? That means the sexbot rumor has been a longer-running item than the mythical iPod phone!

    Just hadn’t occurred to me is all. Aren’t these the things one is supposed to reflect on during anniversaries?

  20. How about a ‘You know you have been reading CARS too long when…’ competition?

  21. In fact, Johnny-boy, now you’re a big boy and I can tell that thing to you.
    I think you’re strong enough to handle it.
    It’s going to be a little bit tough, but…er…just be a man. For once.

    Me, and some others down here, are being paid for doing what we do. You know, er…
    …reading your crap-er…texts
    And «submitting comments», as you call it.

    Your Mama asked us.
    She was worried.
    Now she doesn’t care anymore. Maybe Alzheimer helps.
    Fact is, we’re not paid anymore.
    Could you send us a little something ? Not the regular fee, but er…it’s a job, you know.

    That’s just for two or three of us. The other are er…let’s call them fucking weirdos.

    Reading this and not being paid ? Nonsense.

    So, er…if you could think about it and send the money ?

    We love you.

  22. I was kind of hoping for an auto response confirming that I had been entered. Oh hang on, maybe they didn’t have those back in 1995 – I honestly can’t remember. I do remember the Little Ponies though. Mmmmmmmm, Little Ponies.

    I also have a confession to make…..I am the one who is not getting paid to be here. Lord have mercy on my soul.

  23. You know you’ve been reading CARS to long when you still make risque comments about Psyko’s sister.

    You know you’ve been reading CARS to long when you still miss Bellidancer.

  24. Hey the Col. is moonlighting on us. Check out this letter to the http://www.theregister.co.uk (it’s in their letter bag this week in the Odds and Sods section).

    This scurrilous attack on Apple is typical of the young Applesnappers of today. You can see them in groups peering into the windows of PCWorld trying to catch a glimpse of Windows Vista working and just waiting to be guided to the latest Compaqell 32Ghz, 55in screen, 14 foot tower in Glitzocolor running AutoBeheader III. Well, I for one am sick of them!
    Bring back the stocks and the cane!
    Lt. Col. (ret) Cupertino-Jobbs Apple Cottage 1 Infinite Loopy

    Are there any other sightings?

  25. You know you’ve been reading CARS too long when you start telling your spouse that someone at work has been using your toothbrush. And they understand what you are talking about!

  26. Del,

    I had the same thought when I read that, but on closer examination, I suspect parody. Our Col. (Ret.) is still missing, I fear.

  27. ONE NAME: GLAARKU!

    ARE YOUR PUNY MORTAL MEMORIES SO SHORT THAT NONE SEES FIT TO MENTION THE DEMON-GODS?!

    THERE HAS BEEN A DISTINCT LACK OF UNSPEAKABLE HORROR AROUND CARS LATELY!!! IN FACT, THIS IS THE FIRST TOPIC TO WAKE ME UP FOR QUITE A WHILE!!!!!

  28. I saw the Halo commercial. I have it on the HD. It doesn’t mention CARS. You would think that after five freaking years, you’d at least get mentioned in a Halo 3 commercial for crying out loud.

    I can’t believe I’m not getting paid for this. The Commenters, Responders, Activists, and Posturers Union is going to hear about this, as well as the Society of Highly Intelligent Typists. I want double-time for the porn, too. I wrote it on my day off.

  29. Hey! I entered the competition and whatd’ya know?

    15 minutes later all this meat started pouring through my letterbox.

    Pork chops, mince, veal cutlets, Canadian bacon, you name it there was a cut of it.

    Then came the apple sauce, maple syrup, soy sauce. Boy what a day!

  30. mmmm mince a veal cutlets with a soy sauce glaze

    You know you been reading CARS to long when you see kittens and wonder if they will throw stars at you.

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