21 Dec 06Is There In Photoshop No Beauty?

You may have seen today that some other sites have posted poor Photoshop mock-ups of a supposed Apple phone. Please be advised that this is not the phone that Apple will announce at Macworld next month.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has received actual photos of the forthcoming Apple phone and it looks nothing like that.

While members of the CARS have seen the photos, we are unable to post them because of the grave danger they pose to the Apple community. The reason for this is that the Apple design process and the genius of Jonathan Ive and Steve Jobs have reached such a pinnacle that the Apple phone is so blindingly beautiful that it cannot be viewed directly without driving the viewer insane.

The photos received by CARS were first viewed by Scooter the mail room guy who opened the envelope they came in and has since been in the men’s room clawing the flesh off his face. Fortunately, Scooter suffers from severe acne and his dermatologist said this may actually improve his skin condition.

If he’s not left a drooling psycho case.

We think he’ll get better.

We hope he’ll get better.

It’s not a great way to spend the holidays, though.

The Entity is, of course, immune to the effects of viewing the Apple phone and was even able to construct a pair of protective goggles that we’ve been using to look at the pictures.

At the risk of sounding like that Gizmodo jackass, it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen. It’s not white and it’s not chrome and it’s not brushed metal…

And yet it’s all of those. And it’s all the iPod nano colors and all other colors there are and yet…

It’s no color at all.

Kinda hard to describe.

Plus it comes with a lanyard!

How cool is that?!

We’re still not sure how Apple’s planning on getting around the whole “people go insane when they look at it” thing.

They say the G4 Cube did the same thing, though, so…

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to tell you is, when you see some supposed pictures of the Apple phone, if they don’t drive you insane, then they’re just crappy Photoshop mock-ups.

That’s all.

29 Responses to “Is There In Photoshop No Beauty?”

  1. kevin kokesh says:

    in response to moltz’s comment #3 from last night:


  2. Garrett says:

    Damn! That blows chunks! I was 2nd 🙁

  3. The Highly Esteemed Yoyo says:

    fourth bananaja

  4. John Moltz says:


  5. The Highly Esteemed Yoyo says:

    Since reading CARS will drive the reader insane you could post them for us if only you could prevent their premature dissemination.

  6. Ryan says:

    el seven-o!

    I saw the real photos and my head exploaded… but thanks to OS X’s voice over feature – I can still navigate around my compouter

  7. Ventzi says:

    And I’m not 8th.

  8. Ventzi says:

    But I’m top ten nevertheless!

    Doesn’t that drive you crazy?


  9. Sudo Nym says:

    I’m already insane, so “if they don’t drive you insane, then they’re just crappy Photoshop mock-ups,” doesn’t help me much in spotting the fakes.

    Fortunately, I could hardly care less about the iPhone, so I’m not letting this worry me.

  10. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Do I get the dozen mark? Cool.

    “Insanely great” takes on a whole new meaning here.

  11. Vegetarian Coward says:

    I really don’t like hearing about premature anything on this site. So bad.

  12. Kirk says:

    If this is, in Truth, not a science fiction episode name reference, I’ll eat my Captain’s hat.

    Kollos says hi.

  13. Anomynous says:

    I think CARS just speculated prematurely.

  14. alan says:

    Whatever… I can handle it!

  15. Ace Deuce says:

    The phone will need some kind of protective sheathing … finally a use for thos iPod Socks!

  16. Walking Contradiction says:

    OK, so seeing this thing will drive me insane. But what if I’m already insane? Is it kewl enough to make me sane again, or will I go from running into padded walls while wearing a straight jacket to smashing my head open and feasting on the gooey stuff inside?

    Hmm, I might need that gooey stuff inside my head someday, so maybe I better not risk it.

  17. Rip Ragged says:

    Would you people please stop speculating all over the place? At least go in another room. Geez. I’m trying to read in here.

    BTW, John. I have a TextEdit window I keep open with the tags typed in as bookends. I just paste them in and type between them. That way I don’t forget to…. What was the question, again?

    Merry Christmas. And for everyone who’s actually offended by “Merry Christmas,” Merry Christmas again.

    No. I don’t want any more strained peas. Thank you.

  18. Rip Ragged says:

    Also, please send me a picture of the Apple phone. From where I’m at it could only improve the situation.

    Who ordered anchovies?

  19. scared monster says:

    I am crazy.
    May I have a look ?

  20. Did someone at Apple take “insanely great” to heart perhaps.

    I didn’t order the anchovies. I ordered Skittles but only the purple ones.

  21. Too all-beef patty says:

    RR – if you’re straining when you pee, you might want to review your past social life and see a doctor.

    And sorry I ordered the anchoivies; the rest of you can just pick them off.

  22. Rip Ragged says:

    No no no. I only strain spinach and carrots while I pee. Sometimes I also sing Gregorian chants and juggle wine corks and ball point pens, but only in springtime when the daffodils are budding.

    That really hasn’t left me much time for a past social life.

    You have a booger hanging out.

    There. You got it.

  23. matthew says:

    So, this thing is going to be… basically… God with a lanyard?

    That’s pretty damned impressive.

    And probably simply damned, if Charlton Heston and Cecil B. DeMille taught us anything about golden calfs.

  24. I don’t really think so. Probably Clarence on a halyard. No, wait. He got his wings.

    Stop that. I was okay with chocolate syrup. Whipped cream? Okay. Cherries? Once. But dammit, NO chunky peanut butter.

    Thank you.

  25. Circles says:

    By the description given above,

    One wonders if the “iphone” will have the zirconia casing.

    So what does Apple have to do with this funky word?

    As many of you may or may not know, zirconium-dioxide has a close resemblance of a diamond which explains the many colors,
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zirconia ” and Apple seeks patent on Zirconia casing ” http://www.appleinsider.com/article.php?id=2274 “.

    hmmmm? it makes you wonder.