Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hey, I read your piece yesterday about how you lied to us about covering Macworld.
A: Ha-ha! Oh, yeah. That. That whole… lyin’ thing. Kinda funny, huh?
Q: No. I mean, if the Macworld reports are all fake, how can we trust you about anything?
A: Trust us? We’re a rumors site. Do you trust Apple Insider? Do you trust MacRumors? Do you trust MacOSRumors? Do you trust MacOSXRumors? Do you trust, uh… what’s the other one?
Q: MacOSXMacOSMacMacMaccityMacMacRumors.
A: Yeah, them. Do you trust them?
Q: Well, no. But you were different, man. You didn’t hide behind some pseudonym like some little girl.
A: Little girls hide behind pseudonyms?
Q: Little… evil ones. So, what is real on the site? If you’ve lied about your Macworld coverage, what can we trust you on?
A: Uh, let’s see… the legal disclaimer and the link to the store.
Q: The link to the…
A: But not actually the store itself. Uh, there are some lies in there.
Q: There are lies in the store?
A: The shirts. Don’t trust them. The mug is OK. But watch out for the button.
Q: Uh…
A: Those things’ll stab you just as soon as look at you.
Q: Is… is that just some sort of design flaw?
A: Possibly. But can you really take the chance?
Q: Well… uh… I don’t… Oh, for crying out loud, now I can’t even remember what the hell I was asking you!
A: I think it was something about the Apple phone.
Q: It was not!

Q: I’m really confused about this whole options scandal. Can you explain it in simple language that a layman can understand?
A: Oh, I’ll do better than that. I’ll get Ugluk to explain it in language simple enough that a proto-human can understand it!
Q: Awesome!
A: Ugluk?
Q: Ur?
A: Can you explain the Apple stock options issue for us?
UGLUK: Nnn. Ahem. First there is the backdating issue. Jobs was issued 7.5 million options in 2000 with a strike price set at a date earlier than the grant date. This netted Jobs a windfall of the difference between the stock price at the strike date and the grant date. You see, if Jobs were to have sold those options, he would have collected the difference between whatever the strike price was on the options and the value of the stocks at the time. By setting the date back to when the price was lower, the company was affording Jobs compensation without a tax implication. This in itself was not illegal if properly reported. This brings us to our second issue: the accounting. This is where the illegalities would have occurred and Apple has steadfastly maintained that Jobs was unaware of the accounting implications. The options were not properly accounted for, forcing the company to restate earnings in the amount of $84 million. Furthermore the grant was not approved at a full board meeting as required by Apple’s compensation policy and the company falsely reported that it was. The company has now resolved the issue of the accounting with it’s filing of a 10-Q with the SEC and it continues to maintain that Jobs was not involved in the improper reporting.
Q: Wha… well, that didn’t help at all! I didn’t understand a word of that!
A: Ugluk, have you been reading the Wall Street Journal again?! Bad Neanderthal! Bad!
UGLUK: Rrrah! Groooonk! It not Wall Street Journal! It Financial Times! And you no want Ugluk read it then you stop leaving it in men’s room stall!

Q: I saw last week that Linksys announced an “iPhone” and I’m really worried now that Apple won’t be announcing a phone. I’m just not sure if my life is worth living if there isn’t going to be a big announcement at Macworld.
A: Oh, c’mon. Don’t say that. I mean… you’ve got your… uh… you’ve got that…
Q: Yeah?
A: That… thing… that you do… with, uh, the… poodles?
Q: I don’t do anything with poodles.
A: Oh. I thought… oh, no, that’s Larry. OK. OK. Well, uh, you still collect beer cans, right?
Q: No. My mom recycled my collection last year.
A: What? Oh, man. You had some primo cans.
Q: I know.
A: OK. That’s OK. ‘Cause… you’ve still got… oh, no, wait, you’re not dating her anymore, are you?
Q: Mindy?
A: Maybe. Was she the one who looked like Art Buchwald in a leotard?
Q: Thanks. Man, why did everyone say that?
A: OK, but that just means that you’ve got room in your life now to meet your soul mate. You just need to get out and start dating.
Q: …
A: Oooooooooh. I’m sorry. I forgot about the… whole Segway accident and the colostomy bag.
Q: Well, that makes one of us. ‘Cause, I sure haven’t forgotten, what with the constant sloshing…
A: Well, hey, hey, hey. There’s always the Apple tablet. And the lightweight laptop. And the true video iPod! You’ve got to stay positive. Steve Jobs is gonna pull you out of this and give you a reason to go on living! I’m 100 percent sure of it, Gordy!
Q: Well… OK. I’ll keep living for another week and a half. But If there’s nothing big at Macworld I’m not waiting for some fricking late-January special event.
A: Fair enough. Boy, they sure do make it hard for a guy to know when to off himself, don’t they?
Q: You’re tellin’ me. It used to be there were two times a year they’d give you a reason to live. Now one could come at any time, but I’ll tell you, I just don’t have the patience for that.
A: I don’t blame you. Not one bit.

69 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Now that I’ve got handy NewsFire, I’ll always be 1st or 2nd or 3rd or 4th or 5th or 6th or at most 10th.

    Haha, fools!

  2. mmm third like cherry pie…

    Rhymes like your mum(s) does/do.

    See kids smack talk can be grammatically correct.

  3. w00t!! I feel like a new woman… Oh wait, that was yesterdays…. Crap, now I don’t know how I feel. Mr. Moltz (if that’s his real name still says I can be third. Ha, ha.

  4. OK, I know I should have read the article first but, dammit I’ve been waiting for two years for first post!
    I made third once and a light opened up from heaven, shined on my face and spoke to me. It said, “Why’d ya take time to read the article? Ya idgjit!”
    I had really hoped the light would be nicer to me or give me a sandwich or something, but it was good advice nonetheless.
    But now that I have achieved my ( and gordy’s ) life goal I can settle in for a good read. Then off myself!

  5. Professionals read the article and get first.

    Please disregard the fact I haven’t had first for, oh, I dunno, a couple of weeks.

  6. I’ve yet to read and analyse the story, I just caught a glimpse of “Segway accident and the colostomy bag.” and I must say I’m intrigued.

    Full analyse will follow after dinner.

  7. We Europeans rule.
    Moltz reads The Financial Times, a Pearson Group publication.
    John, you’ve just risen a thousand points in my esteem, even if you are supporting financial, educational and social suppression of the working class.

  8. Dear Streetrabbit
    I recieved your shirt.
    By mistake.
    Anyway, you wouldn’t have liked it.
    I mean, it’s Zune-Brown.
    I mean : it’s Zune-brown NOW. I only wear it once or twice, only up to two weeks long each.
    I would send it back to you, if you wish
    it comes in no question I wash it. I’m not your Housemaid. Nor Houseman. Nor Mermaid, or whatever…

    So, you want it, or not ?

    As John told we could, and as I am the first to claim, I AM 3rd. Yes he said we could.

  9. Wait a minute. There was something in that Ugluk part that didn’t make any kind of sense to me.

    Ugluk uses the men’s room? How’d you guys train him to use a stall?

    Please don’t tell me that Howard uses the stall too.

    Or that Masako uses the urinal.

    Or that I actually care about the CARS staff’s bathroom habits.

    Oh man, I have sunk pretty low. Gordy, I’ll race you to the roof. And then the street. Forget the iPhone. CARS bathroom rumors? Ugh.

    Help me? I need an intervention, a hug and a Zoloft.

  10. From the NewsFire homepage:

    The ‘Angelina Jolie of applications’
    Hand-crafted from sheet metal and plastic gel, NewsFire exudes sex appeal.

    Way to go g0rdo!!

  11. I got up. I had coffee.Then I read the article.

    Ugluk is still struggling with English. Let me help.

    On the stock options thing, there are basically two groups of people at work in this.

    The first group – who do not own Apple stock or computers and are scared to buy any (they all have iPods but won’t admit it)– is actively looking for ways to give Apple the drunk-prom-date treatment. They hate Apple. In this case, the Apple-haters are cheering for the SEC and the Feds to break His Steveness down like a shotgun and load him up.

    The second group, Apple stockholders and slobbering Mac fanboys, think the Stevemeister is the MAN. This group would actively seek and propagate explanations and justifications for his Jobness being identified as the real murderer in the OJ case, the mastermind of the 9/11 highjackings, and caught in McDonalds with two orders of McNuggets and a Big Mac. (Okay, the last one was pushing it) They believe that El Jobso by definition couldn’t have done anything wrong.

    A third group of people – who buy two-year-old HPs at Computer Renaissance and use pirated copies of whatever version of Windows they manage to get a hold of – can be safely disregarded as irrelevant.

    If you need further clarification, increase the font size. Try singing the original post to the tune of “Saturday Night’s All Right (For Fighting).” Particularly if you need the room to yourself.


  12. Thanks, ergo.

    For the record, I’m fully qualified to be in the second group. Further, I think people in the first group are predominantly morons and tech journalists, but I repeat myself.

    I having wax beans and okra. Want some? It’s organic.


  13. If Mr. Moltz bans The Rip Ragged, he’d have a big mutiny on his hands. And some cheap smelling aftershave.

    Pass the Pop Rocks and pepperoni, I’m ready for dinner.

  14. I just don’t want John pissed at me. So if I did something that way, I’d like to make it better.

    This is after all, my favorite place to hang out online. I sure don’t want any bad blood here.

    What are Pop Rocks? If they’re deep-fried, I’d like some.

  15. Why does ot feel like all of these comments were written by the same person? except this comment, naturally …

  16. And I voted. I love dogs. I hate cats.

    We have three cats. They know I hate them. They torment me constantly. That is what has driven me to the state I’m in (Washington). Well, that and a 1993 Aerostar. But that was a long time ago.

    If I was calling a suicide hotline, I’d be looking for tips and suggestions – like how to tie a good knot, make sure the gun is properly cleaned and oiled. But the cats haven’t driven quite there yet. Not to mention that the Aerostar was repossessed in ’94.


  17. Whew! That was a long nap. Wake up with two days beard and something sticky under the bed, first thing to do is check in at CARS and see what the crowd is up to.

    UG: good analysis. Precise and unemotional. I’d subscribe to your blog.

    ergo: Remember, being first only lasts till Monday.

    Rip: The entire world can be divided into two groups – those who divide people into two groups and those who don’t. Somehow you managed to divide them into three, but called them two. This blows my whole unifying theory of social psychological evoluntiary divisionalism.

    Moltz: don’t discredit yourself. There is no need to not count your posts. We all love you man. Step inside the building and let’s talk about it.

    Carbonfish: )

    Ace Deuce: Could you explain how to “wear” a tutu? Is that different from wearing a Bantu or a hutu?

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