iPhone Launch Marred By Unfortunate Incident.

While the Friday launch of the iPhone went seemingly spectacularly, at least one disturbing incident marred Apple’s new mobile device’s day in the sun.

At the Stockton Street Apple Store, while patrons were milling about and enjoying the iPhone and the atmosphere, a distraught and clearly drunk interloper came onto the scene.

The Newton MessagePad 2100, the last Apple product in the handheld category, entered the store shortly after 8:00 PM and began shouting at patrons.

“Hey!” the Newton said. “What’s everybody doin’, huh?! You all buying something? Oooh, the big iPhone rollout!”

Approaching the iPhone, the Newton at first feigned friendliness.

“Oh, hey, buddy! Congratulations! Hey, I remember my launch so, you know, if you want to hang – heh-heh – and maybe get a beer, I can give you some pointers.”

Clearly uncomfortable, the iPhone said “Uh, well, I’ve kind of got a lot of events to go to. You understand.”

“Ooh, yeah!” the Newton said. “I totally get it. Mr. Big Shot doesn’t have time!”

As the iPhone attempted to explain itself, the Newton began to turn away but then whirled around, swinging wildly at CEO Steve Jobs’ most recent pet project. It missed and landed flat on its back.

Lying on the Apple Store floor and floundering in a drunken haze of misery, the Newton then yelled at the iPhone “Oh, what, do you think you’re better than me?! Huh?! Do you?!”

Somewhat embarrassed by the whole incident, the iPhone said “Well, uh, I do now…”

The iPhone was then hustled on to its next interview. The Newton lay on the floor until Adam Tow arrived and took it home.

Apple declined to comment about the incident, but did set up several orange cones around the spot where the Newton had laid until it could be mopped up.

36 thoughts on “iPhone Launch Marred By Unfortunate Incident.”

  1. Points off for poor editing John. I know you can do better than this, this just isn’t your best work. Now take it home and redo it and turn it in to me first thing in the morning.

  2. Four or FIVE! I think it’s a wonderful post John. You just ignore those nay-sayers and pedants.

  3. This is actually quite sad, as the two devices are related to each other.
    Both use an ARM processor, and seeing family members go at it like that is rather disturbing…

    You know, this post didn’t turn out half as funny as I hoped…


  4. Pathos now John.

    Is there no end to your writing talent.

    Must go to the loo for a quiet weep,

  5. Before I hit-the-hay… Geezus John, what museum did you B&E to get your hands on that relic?

    I know where there is a working Apple IIe, but that doesn’t count as the owner has refused to leave the house since 1980 and thinks that Reagan is still in office.


  6. You know what? I think it’s digusting the way John just edits his mistakes out. Look at the Washington Post and the New York Times – when they make a mistake, they add a correction, they don’t just flush the error down the memory hole. Doing this makes CARS looks like a parody site, one that people only come to for fake stories that make them laugh, and not like a source for serious articles about device-on-device violence. If you want to start breaking the news, Johnny Boy, you’d better start learning about journalistic integrity – otherwise no other news sources will follow your leads.

    (OK, I saw the Jobs-Buys-Everyone-A-Pony story on CNN, but that story was clearly true, CNN didn’t need to proof check it).

    1. Brad Thomsen November 12, 2011 Hi Kate,Having trouble doilaondwng into iTunes.I can SaveTargetAs to my hard drive, but then it will not transfer into iTunes.Can only listen to it from your website where it opens into Quicktime.Any ideas? Thank-you.

  7. as excited. what I meant to say is “why won’t anyone else get as excited about calling it iPWN as me?”

    what I probably should have said was “why isn’t anybody as excited about calling it iPWN as I am?”

    if there were a preview feature, I might have caught these mistakes, and only posted twice instead of three times.


  8. The Palm Pilate and the iPhoney wouldn’t be anywhere if it weren’t for the Newton. Never forget that.

    And I wouldn’t have these huge biceps if I hadn’t been carrying a Newton around for all these years.

  9. They had some crazy big pockets when the Newton came along.

    Oh and, just so you know, the website http://www.leopardtracker.com actually lists some articles from CARS. I actually found CARS via Leopard Tracker which in turn I found from iCompositions which in turn I found by word of mouth.

    Nice job on drawing that face on the Newton, but what would have been sweet is if somehow you bent around the icons on the iPhone to make a face.

    Like you could have swapped the SMS and clock icon so that the clock and camera icons look like eyes. Move the You-Tube to be in the center to make a cute lil’ nose. Enlarging the stocks icon and move that center bottom and it makes a nice mouth. Just have the other icons mysteriously drop off the face of the planet.

  10. Wow that is amazing. I had always heard that Newton died when he drank coke and at pop rocks at the same time.

  11. Now I know why I was always refused entry into clubs. It was the Newton in my pocket. The bouncers saw the Newton.

    That surly bastard.

  12. Nothing worse than a surly drunk. Time for rehab. I guess. After some “heart-felt” apologies, Newton can rejoin the rest of the celebrities on stage.

  13. “iPhone Launched Marred By Unfortunate Incident.”

    That should be “iPhone Launch Marred By Unfortunate Incident.”

    I was going to go all medieval on you, but Jennifer Frickin’ Connelly conviced me otherwise.

    She’s very persuasive, if you know what I mean.

  14. Rip Ragged will attest to the fact that normally Newton’s are quite friendly and passive creatures. The problem is they’re all hopeless alcoholics, and voilent ones at that. Streetrabbit discovered their dark terrible secret, but few others have. Why is that? Because most people didn’t spill their drinks on their Newton’s. Without a taste of the good stuff, Newton’s problems never arose. Bouncers only ever saw Newton’s in their worst, so they caught on pretty quickly, but they kept the secret (don’t they always?)

    There is a moral to this story – keep the booze far away from your Newton. There’s also the “between-the-lines” story – iPhone is directly related to Newton, and we all know severe alcoholism runs through family lines. Upshot here is make damn sure to keep your drinks away from your iPhone too!

  15. The problem is they’re all hopeless alcoholics, and voilent ones at that.

    I’ll save Spell Czech the trouble … I meant to say they’re “violent” and not “voilent”.

    Gee, is “voilent” even a word? If not, can we make it one anyway? English could always use more “wildcard” words that mean anything depending on context, “voilent” could be one of those! Wouldn’t that be voilent?

  16. Comrade Lysenko assures me that the Newton will always be superior to the iPhone. Long live the glorious proletariat! At least, until I’ve killed them all!

  17. The seven figures that Apple got iPhone. com for are:

    Figure eight
    Go figure
    That figures
    Figure of speech
    Girlish figure
    Action figure
    They were also prepared to offer “Figure it out” had negotiations gotten nasty.

  18. Is it just me or did the Newton’s voice sound like the baby from Family Guy?

  19. Does anyone here know who Adam Tow is without clicking the link besides me? Anyone? Getting pretty obscure on name dropping there John.

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