Jobs Declares Independence From His Pants.

Flush from a record-breaking launch of the iPhone, Apple CEO Steve Jobs kicked off his personal Fourth of July celebration by declaring his independence from his pants.

At an impromptu company event on the Apple campus, Jobs, wearing nothing but his trademark black shirt and a pair of tight briefs, said he would no longer submit to the tyranny of social convention for trousers.

“For too long have I allowed myself to be slave to the yoke of those restricting britches,” Jobs said, as the gathered Apple employees attempted to avert their eyes.

“No longer!” he declared. “The highly successful iPhone launch has allowed me to see clearly that I have certain inalienable rights: those of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

“All without pants.”

Jobs noted that, despite their hard work, this did not go for his employees.

“If you go out and start a company and launch three market and life-changing products then maybe you can run around without pants, too. Until then…”

Senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller seemed to be at a loss for words.

“He, uh…” Schiller said. “Well, you see, Steve marches to… the beat of…

“Yeah, I’ve got nothing.”

36 thoughts on “Jobs Declares Independence From His Pants.”

  1. Oh, I didn’t really write “yolk” did I? Oh, man. That’s so good I’m tempted to leave it.

  2. “If you go out and start a company and launch three market and life-changing products…”

    The Lisa, Cube, and… what else? I can’t think of a third. Is there a third secret product about to be released this Friday at 6PM? Curse you for keeping such good secrets Mr Jobs!!!

  3. Hmm — pants-less Jobs. That sounds vaguely dirty.

    “I’m Wil Fucking Shipley. Will Shipley is the guy who gets hand jobs from Steve Jobs.”

  4. Hmm — pants-less Jobs. That sounds vaguely dirty.

    “I’m Wil fucking Shipley. Wil Shipley is the guy who gets hand jobs from Steve Jobs.”

  5. It finally happened, a post so disgusting that I’m ashamed I read it. And then on top of that I didn’t even get in the top ten.

    The Lisa, the Cube, and Feckin’ CyberDog. That’s what else. That’s three.

    Did I speak out of turn again? Damn. Mom took away my PopTarts for a whole week, and killed my cat with a garden hoe. I’m a little despondent.

  6. Okay, the whole thing is just wrong! What is up with those shorts? Brown and green? I mean really, I don’t care how much money you have, you just don’t wear brown and green unless you want to look like a frigging tree, or a shrub or something…

    Brown and green… wrong.

  7. No… Pants….?!?!????

    My Pants™ would be most displeased if I left them.
    As it is, even with Jobs going pants-less, they are rather miffed.

    I’d… avoid them for a little while.

    I’m just sayin…

  8. everybody knows steve is a never-nude. if that were a real picture, the shorts would be denim cutoffs. Just shows what an amateur photoshop ninny Moltz really is.

    iPWN!

  9. Okay, now do a story about the pants he isn’t wearing. The pants have the real sense of freedom. They are on their own now–what will they do?

  10. His legs absorb light or something. I notice the upper half of his body is very… shiny… but the legs, they like absorbed all the light!

    Oh my… STEVE JOBS’S PENIS IS A BLACK HOLE!

    Must hurt you know… having your penis collapsed on itself.

  11. ”you just don’t wear brown and green unless you want to look like a frigging tree, or a shrub or something…” How about a frigging zune! He’s wearing frigging zune themed briefs people.

  12. Those shorts are hand made in London don’t you know. Now if He could just find a babe magnet shirt.

  13. I can’t believe no one has commented on “those restricting bitches.” I didn’t know Jobs had such issues with his mom and sisters. Talk about issues!

  14. Also: now we know the true source of the reality distortion field. It’s steve’s tube steak.

    (iPWN!)

  15. fatbo’s right…its called the luminosity channel…Moltz
    And i do believe rsj has more hairy legs…. way more…. …. way, way more…. thus the almost omnipresenting jeans…

    tube steak… happy 4th!!

  16. In case anyone was wondering the ‘Zune’ to which I refered earlier is a little known music player from Microsoft.

  17. I have to agree with fatbo and Carbonfish on this. Steve would NEVER wear brown. Brown is M$ territory. Second everyone knows that Steve wears Daisy Dukes.

  18. The Incredible Mr offered this comment:

    He’s wearing frigging zune themed briefs people.

    I then proceeded to vomit all over my desk, lap and keyboard. Thanks, I’ll never get the chunks out from between the keys on my keyboard.

    Why do people keep insisting on doing this to me? First M$ makes me sick with this squirting zune thing, then some stranger actually makes me throw up with a innocent enough looking comment about a squirting zune thing.

    Sometimes I hate you all. Get over here and clean my damn keyboard out you sick little monkeys. 😉

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