03 Jul 07Jobs Declares Independence From His Pants.

Flush from a record-breaking launch of the iPhone, Apple CEO Steve Jobs kicked off his personal Fourth of July celebration by declaring his independence from his pants.

At an impromptu company event on the Apple campus, Jobs, wearing nothing but his trademark black shirt and a pair of tight briefs, said he would no longer submit to the tyranny of social convention for trousers.

“For too long have I allowed myself to be slave to the yoke of those restricting britches,” Jobs said, as the gathered Apple employees attempted to avert their eyes.

“No longer!” he declared. “The highly successful iPhone launch has allowed me to see clearly that I have certain inalienable rights: those of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

“All without pants.”

Jobs noted that, despite their hard work, this did not go for his employees.

“If you go out and start a company and launch three market and life-changing products then maybe you can run around without pants, too. Until then…”

Senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller seemed to be at a loss for words.

“He, uh…” Schiller said. “Well, you see, Steve marches to… the beat of…

“Yeah, I’ve got nothing.”

36 Responses to “Jobs Declares Independence From His Pants.”

  1. jason says:


  2. His Steveness says:


  3. Sleepy says:

    Third, with some minor regret having read the post.

  4. derekm says:


  5. ap says:

    “I’ve got a hot package from a Mr. Jobs…”

  6. Dr. Who says:

    I’ll have a shot of five to go with my regret.

  7. Dr. Who says:

    OK six then

  8. John Moltz says:

    Oh, I didn’t really write “yolk” did I? Oh, man. That’s so good I’m tempted to leave it.

  9. Streetrabbit says:

    iTrousers are coming. I know it!

  10. Nxxx says:

    Speechless, as well as pantless.

    Huh?, hope you’ve paid well.

  11. derekm says:

    “If you go out and start a company and launch three market and life-changing products…”

    The Lisa, Cube, and… what else? I can’t think of a third. Is there a third secret product about to be released this Friday at 6PM? Curse you for keeping such good secrets Mr Jobs!!!

  12. Biff Whammy says:

    Hmm — pants-less Jobs. That sounds vaguely dirty.

    “I’m Wil Fucking Shipley. Will Shipley is the guy who gets hand jobs from Steve Jobs.”

  13. Biff Whammy says:

    Hmm — pants-less Jobs. That sounds vaguely dirty.

    “I’m Wil fucking Shipley. Wil Shipley is the guy who gets hand jobs from Steve Jobs.”

  14. redeyebase says:


  15. Biff Whammy says:

    Uh — I don’t know what happened there. I didn’t think I hit “Submit” before fixing Shipley’s name. Huh.

    My bad.

  16. Rip Ragged says:

    It finally happened, a post so disgusting that I’m ashamed I read it. And then on top of that I didn’t even get in the top ten.

    The Lisa, the Cube, and Feckin’ CyberDog. That’s what else. That’s three.

    Did I speak out of turn again? Damn. Mom took away my PopTarts for a whole week, and killed my cat with a garden hoe. I’m a little despondent.

  17. Carbonfish says:

    Okay, the whole thing is just wrong! What is up with those shorts? Brown and green? I mean really, I don’t care how much money you have, you just don’t wear brown and green unless you want to look like a frigging tree, or a shrub or something…

    Brown and green… wrong.

  18. Huh? says:

    No… Pants….?!?!????

    My Pants™ would be most displeased if I left them.
    As it is, even with Jobs going pants-less, they are rather miffed.

    I’d… avoid them for a little while.

    I’m just sayin…

  19. fatbo says:

    everybody knows steve is a never-nude. if that were a real picture, the shorts would be denim cutoffs. Just shows what an amateur photoshop ninny Moltz really is.


  20. fatbo says:

    and under the denim cut-offs is–you guessed it–an iPod sock.

    also… iPWN!

  21. OMGHAX says:

    Fatbo, I coined that word (on CARS that is)! Give me my royalties!

  22. Nxxx says:

    Forgot previously, happy Fourth.

  23. Ace Deuce says:

    Okay, now do a story about the pants he isn’t wearing. The pants have the real sense of freedom. They are on their own now–what will they do?

  24. Miiphone of the Future or Something... says:

    His legs absorb light or something. I notice the upper half of his body is very… shiny… but the legs, they like absorbed all the light!


    Must hurt you know… having your penis collapsed on itself.

  25. The Incredible Mr says:

    ”you just don’t wear brown and green unless you want to look like a frigging tree, or a shrub or something…” How about a frigging zune! He’s wearing frigging zune themed briefs people.

  26. dogazagod says:

    Those shorts are hand made in London don’t you know. Now if He could just find a babe magnet shirt.

  27. Anonymous Coward says:

    I can’t believe no one has commented on “those restricting bitches.” I didn’t know Jobs had such issues with his mom and sisters. Talk about issues!

  28. fatbo says:

    OMGHAX, I will pay you seven figures for iPWN.com.

    Just kidding. iPWN!

  29. fatbo says:

    Also: now we know the true source of the reality distortion field. It’s steve’s tube steak.


  30. dogazagod says:

    fatbo’s right…its called the luminosity channel…Moltz
    And i do believe rsj has more hairy legs…. way more…. …. way, way more…. thus the almost omnipresenting jeans…

    tube steak… happy 4th!!

  31. The Incredible Mr says:

    In case anyone was wondering the ‘Zune’ to which I refered earlier is a little known music player from Microsoft.

  32. Del says:

    I have to agree with fatbo and Carbonfish on this. Steve would NEVER wear brown. Brown is M$ territory. Second everyone knows that Steve wears Daisy Dukes.

  33. Doc Wolfram says:

    I have ABSOLUTELY no comment!

  34. OMGHAX says:

    Oh crap, you capitalized it differently than I. Shoot.

  35. Fake Paul says:

    A fitting tribute to the Zune. Well done, Steve-O!

  36. Walking Contradiction says:

    The Incredible Mr offered this comment:

    He’s wearing frigging zune themed briefs people.

    I then proceeded to vomit all over my desk, lap and keyboard. Thanks, I’ll never get the chunks out from between the keys on my keyboard.

    Why do people keep insisting on doing this to me? First M$ makes me sick with this squirting zune thing, then some stranger actually makes me throw up with a innocent enough looking comment about a squirting zune thing.

    Sometimes I hate you all. Get over here and clean my damn keyboard out you sick little monkeys. 😉