Apple sent out invitations to press announcing a special event on Sept 5, emblazoned with the tantalizing tagline, “The beat goes on.” Although most analysts believe this to be the release of long-overdue new iPod models, sources deep within Apple indicate that’s not the case.
Branching into other consumer fields, Apple is introducing a line of audio-equipped kinetic devices. The first in the line, the iWhisk, takes advantage of the miniaturization advances used in the iPod nano to cram a 1 GB music player into the ergonomically designed handle of a stainless steel whisk. According a source in the iPod division, the key feature of the line is that the mixing motion generates kinetic energy, removing the need for a battery.
The source said “This is Steve’s way of saying ‘fuck you’ to all those class-action lawsuit assholes who bitch about battery life. You want more battery life? Shake your moneymaker.” The source refused to define “moneymaker,” but said, “Oh, I think you know what I mean.
“Shake it. Shake it real good.”
The source noted that the iWhisk is just the beginning. Apple intends to add music-enabled martini shakers, Shake-a-Puddin, and, oddly, maracas which are technically already music-enabled.
While these products are definitely under development, other sources indicate there’s a small chance that the event’s “The beat goes on” catch-phrase means Steve Jobs will literally beat his worst enemies on stage.
Or it could be porn-related.