Apple Announces Sept. 5th Special Event.

Apple sent out invitations to press announcing a special event on Sept 5, emblazoned with the tantalizing tagline, “The beat goes on.” Although most analysts believe this to be the release of long-overdue new iPod models, sources deep within Apple indicate that’s not the case.

Branching into other consumer fields, Apple is introducing a line of audio-equipped kinetic devices. The first in the line, the iWhisk, takes advantage of the miniaturization advances used in the iPod nano to cram a 1 GB music player into the ergonomically designed handle of a stainless steel whisk. According a source in the iPod division, the key feature of the line is that the mixing motion generates kinetic energy, removing the need for a battery.

The source said “This is Steve’s way of saying ‘fuck you’ to all those class-action lawsuit assholes who bitch about battery life. You want more battery life? Shake your moneymaker.” The source refused to define “moneymaker,” but said, “Oh, I think you know what I mean.

“Shake it. Shake it real good.

The source noted that the iWhisk is just the beginning. Apple intends to add music-enabled martini shakers, Shake-a-Puddin, and, oddly, maracas which are technically already music-enabled.

While these products are definitely under development, other sources indicate there’s a small chance that the event’s “The beat goes on” catch-phrase means Steve Jobs will literally beat his worst enemies on stage.

Or it could be porn-related.

33 thoughts on “Apple Announces Sept. 5th Special Event.”

  1. How do you know the ‘source’ was not playing an accordion?

    CORRECTION:-For accordion read iAccordion.

  2. Now what if I want to shake it like a Polaroid? Will Apple put iPod technology into a single-use self-developing print format for me? Shake it!

  3. Actually, all the hype is for my birthday.
    It’s about time somebody recognized the 5th of September for the important date that it is…

    I mean, other than my Pants™.

  4. Hey a new Madonna track that is supposed to be on her next album is also called “the Beat Goes On” … the track leacked on the internet last week … a coincidence ? ….

  5. Sonny Bono will litigate against Apple as soon as he returns from that great GOP convention in the sky.

  6. “Beat” contains more than half of the letters in the 60s pop group The Beatles. Have you heard of them?

    Paul MacClaricky and Roger Steer will certainly sue.

    I expect the estate of Jack Knapersack will also sue.

    And I’m sure Sesame Street has been brought to us by at least two of those letters.

  7. If His Steveness was going to beat people on stage, shouldn’t the tag line have been “The beatdown goes on”? I mean, that would make more sense.

    Why no details on the porn related announcement? This doesn’t sound anything like lesbian ninja sexbots…

  8. But that album between Kean and the Beastie Boys is the Flaming Lips’ “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots.”

    OBVIOUSLY, we’re finally going to see the LNSs! And they’re going to be available in pink. Or, at least the important bits …

    We’ll have to put a stop to this “Yoshimi” character’s activities, though …

    7

  9. A kinetic device that plays porn music while your doing it. Thats what the world needs right there.

  10. Shouldn’t be saying this–that pesky NDA and all–but “Pink Robots” is one of the code names for Apple’s über-top-secret sexbot project.

    The sexbots won’t require batteries either. Same tech as the iWhisk.

    You can work the rest out for yourself.

  11. I thought it was supposed to be the iWackoff, you know, it kind a kicks in when your hand gets tired,…. a

  12. Why could it not involve Steve Jobs literally beating his worst enemies on stage . . . AND be porn related?

    You know, other than for where that might lead if they could actually find a gimp mask to fit (Spank the) Monkey Boy Balmer.

    Nice image, no? Especially if you go the extra mile and imagine his tongue poking out, I’ve just discovered.

    PS: Huh?, I’d like you to know that I will always recognise your Pants for the important date that *they* were, if that helps.

    If only I hadn’t ordered the lobster.

  13. Turns out Yoshimi has a blackbelt in Karate. So my guess is she’s creating the LNS training apps – at least the ones relating to combat.

    For the OTHER features of the Lesbian Ninja Sexbots, well, rumor has it that Jennifer Frickin’ Connelly is involved. So, you know …

    That’ll be fine … just fine.

    7

    Also … for those of you old enough to remember when color choice was a huge selling point for the iMac:

    http://www.flamingmailbox.com/maccomedy/movies/ibrator.html

  14. … there’s a small chance that the event’s “The beat goes on” catch-phrase means Steve Jobs will literally beat his worst enemies on stage.

    Further rumors speculate that Jobs is going to film the episode and release it as a snuff film. I guess he’s planning on giving out quite a beating. I just hope Enderle is first.

  15. Oops, did I forget to close my blockquote?

    Bad me! I hope I’m not getting beaten on stage for that!

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