While speculation has continued to range from new iPods, to Beatles tracks to HD movie content, the central question about next Wednesday’s event remains, “Why would Apple hold a masturbation-themed event?”
“‘The beat goes on’?” said the Chicago Sun-Times’ Andy Ihnatko. “I don’t know about you, but that just screams ‘masturbation’ to me.”
Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life agreed.
“I can’t look at that invitation and not think ‘masturbation’. Although, I can’t look at two big jiggling mounds of Jell-O and not think ‘masturbation’.
“OK, that was probably a bad example. How about a clam? No, no. That’s not right, either. Well, something non-sexual. I can’t think of anything non-sexual at the moment. It’s probably because of that damned masturbation-themed invitation.”
Apple denied that the invitation and catch-phrase were in any way related to masturbation.
“What?!” asked an incredulous senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “Where do you come up with this stuff? What the hell could we possibly be announcing that has anything to do with masturbation?! My god!”
A nervous iPod marketing manager Stan Ng leaned over and whispered something in Schiller’s ear.
“What?” Schiller said. “Oh. Huh? Oh. Oh. Oooooh. Wow. Really? I had no idea you could do that with it.”
Turning back to reporters, Schiller said “Uh, yeah, it’s got at least something to do with masturbation.”
Still, no one knows exactly what’s going to be announced, but all this talk about masturbation has everyone really looking forward to next Wednesday.