30 Aug 07Sept. 5 Event Speculation Centers On Catch-Phrase.

While speculation has continued to range from new iPods, to Beatles tracks to HD movie content, the central question about next Wednesday’s event remains, “Why would Apple hold a masturbation-themed event?”

“‘The beat goes on’?” said the Chicago Sun-Times’ Andy Ihnatko. “I don’t know about you, but that just screams ‘masturbation’ to me.”

Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life agreed.

“I can’t look at that invitation and not think ‘masturbation’. Although, I can’t look at two big jiggling mounds of Jell-O and not think ‘masturbation’.

“OK, that was probably a bad example. How about a clam? No, no. That’s not right, either. Well, something non-sexual. I can’t think of anything non-sexual at the moment. It’s probably because of that damned masturbation-themed invitation.”

Apple denied that the invitation and catch-phrase were in any way related to masturbation.

“What?!” asked an incredulous senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “Where do you come up with this stuff? What the hell could we possibly be announcing that has anything to do with masturbation?! My god!”

A nervous iPod marketing manager Stan Ng leaned over and whispered something in Schiller’s ear.

“What?” Schiller said. “Oh. Huh? Oh. Oh. Oooooh. Wow. Really? I had no idea you could do that with it.”

Turning back to reporters, Schiller said “Uh, yeah, it’s got at least something to do with masturbation.”

Still, no one knows exactly what’s going to be announced, but all this talk about masturbation has everyone really looking forward to next Wednesday.

22 Responses to “Sept. 5 Event Speculation Centers On Catch-Phrase.”

  1. Huh? says:

    I….

    No comment.

    My Pants™ have no comment either.

  2. Huh? says:

    Actually, I do have a comment.

    Number one.

    Thank you.

  3. Mykie says:

    Could be about this Volkswagen stuff I just read about… some sort of Masturbation iCar or something. Also, second… or third… or whatever… thanks for ruining it, huh? Lol

  4. Carbonfish says:

    I don’t want to be four, but I just can’t stay up any longer. I think I’ll even wait until tomorrow to read the post…

  5. Ace Deuce says:

    I for one have no difficulty not thinking about masturbation.

    Like right now. Not thinking about it at all. Nope.

    Also, I’m not thinking about Jennifer Frickin’ Connelly. No way. Never crossed my mind.

    Uh, gotta go.

  6. Carbonfish says:

    Okay, I read the post tonight even though I can barely keep my eyes open, and now I have to go in to bed and not think about masturbation, thank you very much.

    Like the Jennifer Frakking Connelly – crankity-cranky-crank post from yesterday wasn’t bad enough.

    Great.

  7. Vermilion says:

    It’s so hard to type these long comments with just one hand available.

    Seven, maybe.

  8. Nxxx says:

    Got it!

    Steve will launch the

    iVibrator.

  9. wogo says:

    Whoa.. Where is everybody…

    top nine?

  10. digitalcowboy says:

    You’re all gonna go blind!

  11. Anonymous says:

    hard to ypte wiht all the furrr on mu hnads.

  12. scared monster, better known as The Amateur Psychoanalyst, says:

    The Beat Goes On…
    The Beat Goes On…
    The Beat Goes On…
    The Beat Goes On…
    The Beat Goes On…
    The Beat Goes On…
    Oooooh…

  13. DigiPants says:

    To anyone who says that Steve Jobs doesn’t have a sense of humo[u]r:

    Apple announce the slogan for their super secret event is “The beat goes on”, one day after Sen. Larry Craig has his airport trouble revealed.

  14. Chris says:

    Maybe Apple is buying these people out.
    http://www.ohmibod.com/ohmibod.html?gclid=CLqJ8Lizn44CFQjuYAodjReFVg

    Although I shudder to even imagine how any guy iPod users would use that.

    Hmmm, another thought is, with the iPhone interface on a hard drive based iPod, you could browse through your ENTIRE Pr0n collection with only one hand, without ever missing a beat.

    Hey, like Michael Jackson said, “Just Beat It”. Hmmm bad example in hindsight.

    Any chance that CARS can get Lauren Upton to guest host tomorrows help desk?

    “I can has map THE Iraq?”- U.S. Americans

  15. Joe Anonymous says:

    You people have it all wrong. Don’t you believe ANYTHING Apple tells you?

    Apple says that it has nothing to do with masturbation. That means that they must be planning to release their sexbot so masturbation won’t be necessary any more. I want the Jennifer Frickin’ Connelly version.

  16. Streetrabbit says:

    Is there gonna be anything for wankers?

    We’re sick to death of those dictionary reading masturbators.

  17. Doc Wolfram says:

    NC-17?

    No Comment #17!

  18. blank says:

    One thing I can say in the spirit of today’s topic is that I’ve always been there for me.

    That’s more than I can say for some people!

  19. kingthedestroyer says:

    It could be… iPorn, added to the iLife programs, it automatically uploads and updates your porn to your iPod/iPhone when you hook it up. No more having to import your porn to iPhoto.ˇ

  20. Walking Contradiction says:

    I was going to post something about masturbation, but then you folks just had to go mention JFC again, didn’t you.

    Now I’m just too embarrassed … and messy. Thanks. Now go away.

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