In a disappointing setback for Apple’s new line, the company recalled all iPod models today, citing problems with the manufacturing process at the Chinese plants that make them.
According to iPod marketing manager Stan Ng, the primary reason the iPods are being recalled is because they’re smothered in lead.
“Yeah, I don’t have a really good explanation for it,” said Ng. “Kinda slipped by us. Whoops. Uh, sorry for the brain damage! Sorry.
“Whatever you do, don’t put it in your mouth. If you’ve got a toddler or infant, keep them far, far away from them. One lick and they’ll be as dim as a 10-watt bulb.”
Sources that declined to be identified said that high lead content wasn’t the only problem Apple had found with iPods manufactured in Chinese plants. These sources say that Apple has found the following in iPods:
- Tainted plastics.
- Tainted flash memory.
- Tainted dog food.
- Tainted tiger testicles.
- The song “Tainted Love”, by Soft Cell.
Apple will be initiating an iPod return program similar to what it conducted for exploding laptop batteries. Users will be sent shipment boxes along with rubber gloves for handling the units. Tainted iPods will be loaded into an Atlas rocket and shot into the sun.
“We, uh, couldn’t think of anything else to do with them,” Ng said. “It’s expensive, but you can’t say it won’t solve the problem.”
Apple said that it has severely chastised its Chinese suppliers. For their part, the suppliers feigned surprise that Apple didn’t want some nice lead in its iPods.