25 Sep 07Apple Recalls iPods.

In a disappointing setback for Apple’s new line, the company recalled all iPod models today, citing problems with the manufacturing process at the Chinese plants that make them.

According to iPod marketing manager Stan Ng, the primary reason the iPods are being recalled is because they’re smothered in lead.

“Yeah, I don’t have a really good explanation for it,” said Ng. “Kinda slipped by us. Whoops. Uh, sorry for the brain damage! Sorry.

“Whatever you do, don’t put it in your mouth. If you’ve got a toddler or infant, keep them far, far away from them. One lick and they’ll be as dim as a 10-watt bulb.”

Sources that declined to be identified said that high lead content wasn’t the only problem Apple had found with iPods manufactured in Chinese plants. These sources say that Apple has found the following in iPods:

  • Tainted plastics.
  • Tainted flash memory.
  • Tainted dog food.
  • Tainted tiger testicles.
  • The song “Tainted Love”, by Soft Cell.

Apple will be initiating an iPod return program similar to what it conducted for exploding laptop batteries. Users will be sent shipment boxes along with rubber gloves for handling the units. Tainted iPods will be loaded into an Atlas rocket and shot into the sun.

“We, uh, couldn’t think of anything else to do with them,” Ng said. “It’s expensive, but you can’t say it won’t solve the problem.”

Apple said that it has severely chastised its Chinese suppliers. For their part, the suppliers feigned surprise that Apple didn’t want some nice lead in its iPods.

31 Responses to “Apple Recalls iPods.”

  1. madly says:

    I only licked my ne ipod a little bit….oh first?

  2. madly says:

    I meant new…sorry, it’s the lead

  3. Ace Deuce says:

    I had my first iPod bronzed long ago. It’s safe to lick, isn’t it?

    Since I’ve been licking my grandkids bronzed baby shoes for years now with no apparent effects, I’m going to ignore this recall.

  4. scared monster, better known as The Puzzled Boy, says:

    Ooooooh…
    I swallowed it.
    Can you now say I’m a leader ?
    (Whhoo-hooo : top five !)

  5. Huh? says:

    Well I suppose that serves me right for sucking on my new Nano all day…

    Strange, though… I don’t feel any different…

  6. Nxxx says:

    Moltz has at last found the old Goon joke, “What, what, what, what, what? Only five whats? I must be dim this morning.”

    Note that this was broadcast in the fifties, he must be REALLY old.

  7. Carbonfish says:

    Tigers have tentacles?

    Seven.

  8. digitalcowboy says:

    Ah HA HA! Stan Ng’s an iPod licker! He gave it away with the quote in paragraph three when he referenced BRIAN damage.

    Wait. Who actually transcribed the interview? Maybe Stan’s not the dimwit.

  9. digitalcowboy says:

    Incidentally, for some inexplicable reason, “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell is actually in my iTunes library.

    A pox on the houses of CARS staff for reminding me of that song, enticing me to look and then, by default, forcing me to listen to it.

  10. Streetrabbit says:

    I’d assumed the lead was shielding from death rays.

    Tiger testicles I’m not so sure.

  11. Sometimes I feel
    I’ve got to
    Run away I’ve got to
    Get away
    From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
    The lead we share
    Seems to go nowhere
    And I’ve lost my light
    For I toss and turn I can’t sleep at night

    Top ten!

  12. Oops. This one goes to eleven and twelve!

  13. comacnut says:

    What about my 13 iPhones? Can my kids lick them ?

  14. Streetrabbit says:

    Rather than firing them into the sun, they could just re-release them as Lead Belly Special Editions.

  15. ANGRYNESS says:

    ANGER PERSONIFIED HAS THIS TO SAY……
    tainted love was actually not originally by soft cell…it was composed by ed cobb and originally recorded by gloria jones….
    THAT IS ALL
    and drive safe everybody

  16. TjL says:

    I ATE MY 1G SHUFLE CUZ IT LOOKED LUKE A STICK OF GUM. HAVENT OTICED ANY ILL EFFECTS. WELL,I DID BUY VISTA ULTIMATE SIGNED EDITION FOR $1327 OH EBAY BUT THATS A SWEET DEAL RIGHT? I MEAN ITS NOT LIKE GATES SIGNED A LOT OF THESE THINGS. JUST ANOTHER WAY WINDOWS IS BETTER THAN MAC CUZ STEVE DOESNT EVEN OFFER A SIGNED VERSION OF OS X DOES HE? WHOS THE MORON NOW?!?? OOPS I DROOLED ON MY KEYBOARD AGAIN.

  17. fractured cell says:

    mmmmn… lead.

    where can a fellow get hold of one of those things?
    ive already got through a 20 gross box…
    i need more, more,MORE!!!

    (oh, and tentysveneth) wibble…

  18. TuCats says:

    The Romans were poisoned quite dumb,
    And Nero left sucking his thumb.
    Now my nano’s riddled with lead,
    And tunes from the Grateful Dead.
    Oh Dear! My iPod is apparantly “plumb”.

    XVIII!

  19. Apple Lopsider says:

    Stop using Babelfish on Chinese news sources, Moltz. What Mr. Ng actually said during his retirement speech was that he will _remember_ the iPod as a market _leader_.

    Also the term “manufacturing process at the Chinese plants that make them” is misleading. For clarity: iPods are processed from the seeds of the semi-aquatic iPod crop. If you happen to visit the Guangxi region, ask to see the Apple paddy fields (hint: if you see trees, you were misunderstood). It’s a fascinating experience.

    Moltz: for future reference, I recommend Google Translate.

  20. DW says:

    So, if I read this correctly, I only need to worry if my name is Brian?

    (“Uh, sorry for the brian damage! Sorry.”)

    XX

    only 10 more to go to get XXX!

  21. Joe Anonymous says:

    But since half of all iPod users are also Windows users, Apple can just recall the ones from Mac users.

    After all, how would you tell if a Windows user suffered brain damage?

  22. Icky says:

    Don’t lick the taint.

  23. Lurker says:

    Don’t taint the lick.

  24. blank says:

    I’d been wondering why the touchscreen iPod tasted so much sweeter than my old nano or mini. It’s the lead–just like an old bean pot.

    My brian hurts!

  25. kingthedestroyer says:

    So, is Tainted Love tainted with lead, I mean, if that is true, putting the molecules of lead in between all of those ones and zeros,… damn! someone must really had Too Much Time on Their Hands.

    XXV

  26. Is it too late to be Saved By Zero?

  27. Loonesta says:

    So if I have the *original* 1964 version of Tainted Love by Gloria Jones on my iPod, I’m 1/5 safer?

  28. CB says:

    Being down under, I am immune to lead and brians and ngs and tainted anything. I am safe with the wallabies.

  29. Crufty Beever says:

    What? You want nice lead iPod? Yes we make nice lead iPod! Prus gleen and brue!

  30. blank says:

    Safe with wallabies, sure, but isn’t that a dingo eating one of your family members?

  31. andar909 says:

    hi, andar here, i just read your post. i like very much. agree to you, sir.

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