09 Oct 07iPod Allegedly Sets Man's Pants On Fire.

According to reports late last week, an iPod nano ignited in the pants of Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport employee Danny Williams, sending flames shooting up his body.

He was not seriously injured which granted WSBTV free license to refer to the incident as Williams’ “15 minutes of flame” [Editor’s Note: That. Is. Awesome. Kudos to you, WSBTV!].

The Apple web community – sensing a potential black mark on the pants of Apple’s reputation – went into a level 10 Artie MacStrawman alert and leapt to the nano’s defense.

Because that’s how we roll.

“I’d like to know more about his pants,” said Daring Fireball’s John Gruber. “Were they cotton? Polyester? Some kind of blend? Different pants have different ignition thresholds, you know. A poorly constructed pair of corduroys, for instance, will combust all on their own if the wearer has meaty thighs. Really. I read that in Gentlemen’s Pantaloons Quarterly. Yes, I am a subscriber.”

Gruber then challenged Williams to ignite a pair of pants in a controlled environment using an out-of-the-box nano.

Bynkii.com‘s John C. Welch took a break from his honeymoon to ask “What is it with these iPod-tards?! First the iPod’s battery doesn’t hold enough of a charge and now it holds too much?! Which is it, people?!

Noted author Dori Smith asked “Has anyone considered how Steve Jobs feels about this? I bet he feels horrible. Just horrible. Poor Steve. He works so hard. It’s a shame something like this should have to happen to him.

“Steve, I mean.”

While not coming down strongly anti-Williams, Merlin Mann mused “I’m sure there are a lot of people who would, at least metaphorically, love to have themselves ‘set on fire’ by music. In that regard, Williams is a very, very lucky man.

“Also, it strikes me that getting burned horribly by an iPod truly is a first-world problem! People in the third world can only dream of something like that! Ha-ha! Am I right? Because, um, they don’t have lithium. Or, possibly, even ions. I’m not sure about that. I’ll have to ask Alex Lindsey.”

It should also be noted that no one knows if Williams was vigorously rubbing the iPod inside his pants in some sort of heat-generating act of perversion.

When reached for comment, Apple announced that it would be releasing flame-retardent iPod pants that will sell for $125 a pair. Strangely, the company said that only Apple-branded flame retardent pants will “work with” the iPod and that everyone would have to buy their pants from Apple from now on and not some other pants because their pants were special and just shut up and fork over the $125 already.

39 Responses to “iPod Allegedly Sets Man's Pants On Fire.”

  1. Streetrabbit says:

    1st again. Rockin’

  2. Streetrabbit says:

    That Williams guy is a liar, liar if you ask me.

  3. matsherwood says:

    I must have those pants….

  4. digitalcowboy says:

    SR, you mean like, “Liar! Liar! Pants on fire?”

  5. digitalcowboy says:

    Because that would pretty much absolve the iPod, would it not?

  6. CB says:

    OK, so I’m a winner again. TX (top 10).

  7. jon deal says:

    Personally, I’m withholding judgment on the whole incident until John Siracusa of ArsTechnica does a detailed tear down of both the pants and the iPod in question. I fully except to click through 10-15 pages of arcane technical discussion to get to the final conclusion.

  8. Piggy says:

    cool, what about facebook? can I have this autoposted on my wall???
    8-/
    sorry, I’ve been abusing these days I guess

    9th

  9. Piggy says:

    correction: now 9th

  10. Loose Leaf says:

    iPod-tard. I love it.

    That must have been some hot porn he had on that thing.

  11. Seano says:

    in boston we would have shot him for smoking in the airport… what does he think he goes to MIT?

  12. Magnanimous Wang says:

    John Moltz is John Gruber!

    You know he is.

  13. Biff Whammy says:

    You’re missing an “of.” I’m not telling you where, though.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to rub something vigorously. In my pants.

  14. Ace Deuce says:

    Retardent? Where is Spell Czech when we need him/her? Or Reality Czech? In fact, where is Czechoslovakia? It was on the map before, but now I can’t find it. Or Contantinople. or New Amsterdam, or Mesopotamia. The world has gone insane!

    Anyway, “retardant” is how we spell it in this neck of the woods. Or, alternatively, “iTardant.”

  15. Kenbod says:

    Did you mean to say “Constantinople”. Where is Spell Czech? Not with Ace Deuce, that’s for sure!

    15th!

  16. Rip Ragged says:

    Retardent? A car damaged by a Raiders fan?

    Good night, now.

  17. Jeff says:

    But do the pants match the iPod socks? That’s really the only pertinent question here.

    (Geez, Moltz, how did you let that one get away from you? Maybe too obvious?)

  18. Nxxx says:

    The whole scam is pants.

  19. Ways of Looking at a Black Bird says:

    Thor will be marketing the nano as the all-in-one survival tool. Start your campfire as you listen to hot music.

  20. Streetrabbit says:

    I love the line from WSBTV;

    “So I look down and I see flames coming up to my chest,” said Danny Williams.

    Like he’s walking around going “Can you smell something? Is something burning?

    OMG! FIRE!!!”

  21. Carbonfish says:

    Jeebus “smoldering” criminy, what the hell are you up to Moltz? You get back from your quest for the Entity with a JFC clone, you finally start making with the funny again, but then you start making your posts in the middle of the goddamned evening?

    I guess I can just toss my frakking schedule out the window…

    yeah, right out the goddamned window…

  22. 3 degrees says:

    What is remarkable is how effective Steve’s iPod Burn Victim Cloaking Shield™ turns out to be! With 50 Quazillion iPods out there, there must be scores of other victims, who mysteriously seem to dissappear after their 15 seconds of flame (that is SO funny!). So what’s going on with that Williams type that he didn’t get cloaked? Maybe the fricken entity could look into that. Maybe he’s a lifeform, but not as we know it. Maybe he’s a Pony™. Questions, questions…

  23. Sudo Nym says:

    Drat — the “liar, liar” joke has already been done, and an explanation requested. I’m too late.

    I could do something about Steve Jobs walking up to this guy and yelling, “You’re fired!” but it doesn’t really work because the guy doesn’t work for Apple, and “You’re fired!” sounds like a Donald Trump joke nowadays anyway. Rats.

    Okay, heh, heh — I’ll bet the guy was listening to The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. Boy, that would be hilarious, huh? I mean, if you’re old enough to remember that song.

    Phooey. I guess fire isn’t always funny, after all.

  24. fractured cell says:

    “Phooey. I guess fire isn’t always funny, after all.”

    unless its in some pants.

  25. Apple Lopsider says:

    Apple already sells equipment to prevent the Nano from igniting pants. It’s called the Armband.

    Also, I hope Williams made sure his pants’ temperature was properly regulated as per Apple’s recommendations. Personally, I always keep a thermometer about my person to ensure I am always operating within Apple-approved parameters.

  26. TuCats says:

    “I’ll bet the guy was listening to The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. Boy, that would be hilarious, huh? I mean, if you’re old enough to remember that song.”

    Good one. I was going to go for a Doors reference, but yours is better.

    This is what I like about CARS and the comments. A rich melting pot of, um, pants and stuff.

  27. Squished Squirrel says:

    Since I lived in Atlanta, and have been to Hartsfield as recently as a month ago, and once held a Nano, that qualifies me as a litigant, right? Litigation IS the new lottery.

    Oooohh… If he purchased it from one of the multiple iPod vending machines at Hartsfield, can we add on a RICO charge? I mean, all those vending machines are in collusion, right?

    Has anyone investigated WHAT was playing on his iPod? You never know… this could all be caused by an MP3 that was specifically designed to cause Nano’s to lock up and explode. I’m thinking maybe The Doors… You KNOW what song.

  28. Squished Squirrel says:

    Ahh crap. Go take a shower in the middle of posting and someone beats me to the Doors.

    Ever play that game as a kid where you tell someone a phrase at the beginning of the line, and each person in turn whispers it to the next in line?

    Molts was the guy in the middle that always had to put “Fricken” somewhere in the phrase…. 15 SECONDS of flame.

  29. kingthedestroyer says:

    I think it’s all a conspriacy, little Biily Gates probably threw some jet fuel on this guys pants, if you can’t make an iPod killer, make a killer out of an iPod.=

  30. Del says:

    *Jedi Mind Trick*
    These are not the iFlames you seek.
    */Jedi Mind Trick*

  31. blank says:

    I have no comment, until Huh?–holder of the trademark for the type of clothing in question–weighs in on this topic. Odd that we have yet to hear from said individual. Coincidence? You be the judge.

  32. Klayman says:

    He’s probably reading through “Take Control of Suing a Whiny-Assed Apple Costumer” in order to properly litigate against Williams for Trademark Infringment.

    That said, I’ve always known the Nano is “hot property”…

    Ok, whatever, all good puns were already taken. So sue me…

    Or not…

    Cheers
    Klayman

  33. Biff Whammy says:

    Anyone else read this? I know Ugluk’s a Neanderthal, but apparently the name has Orc origins. Or something. It’s kind of weird, really.

  34. DDA says:

    I’m still wondering about the mysterious “glossy paper” that shielded him from the brunt of the iFlames; is this sekrit alien technology that is unburnable??

    Inquiring minds would want to know but probably don’t really care.

  35. Sudo Nym wrote:
    > I could do something about Steve Jobs walking up to this guy and yelling, “You’re fired!”
    > but it doesn’t really work because the guy doesn’t work for Apple,

    Oh, come on. A detail like not working for Apple has never stopped Steve from firing anyone.

  36. Zo says:

    Hot comments night, guys. Good form. Keep it zipped.

  37. iPod Sets Man’s Pants on Fire! Save the Children!
    Danny Williams, a young brother from Douglasville Ga. has reported to WSBtv Atlanta that his year and a half old iPod Nano burst into flames in his pocket! He said’
    “So I look down and I see flames coming up to my chest!”
    The traumatized Apple victim continued,
    “I’m still kind of freaked out that after only a year and a half my iPod caught fire in my pocket!”
    The young brother works at a kiosk in Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport, you could hear the anguish in his voice as he exclaimed,
    “If TSA had come by and seen me smoking, they could have honestly thought I was a terrorist!”

    Why is Apple trying to roast the bro.? Why are these dangerous products on the streets at all? Do YOU have a bad one about to ignite at any moment too?
    Apple told Mr. Williams to return the Nano, “we’ll replace it (and get rid of the evidence?)”
    Nobody knows just how widespread this problem is, except Mr. Jobs ofcourse.

    Spread the news! Save a life!
    http://fakesteveballmer.blogspot.com

  38. LMAO. I wonder what he actually had on his ipod? VIDEO perhaps? ‘Course everyone knows sophisticated electrocins love as much heat as they can get…. So let’s leave on stuffed in a pocket for hours. Does that void my warranty?

  39. Flamin' pants says:

    That guy really had something hot in his pants. Also he really shouldn’t have had all the “hot stuff”on the iPod in the first place as far as I’m concerned he should gave had it on sleep so it wouldn’t overheat not many puns out there for this one sad face 8(

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