19 Dec 07CARS Presents: The Indeterminately Periodic Apple Community Wedgie Awards!

ANNOUNCER: Live, from the amphitheater at the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters, it’s the third indeterminately periodic Apple Community Wedgie Awards!

[APPLAUSE]

ANNOUNCER: And now, your host… Thor Samson!

[APPLAUSE AS THOR TAKES THE STAGE, WEARING A TUXEDO SUIT WITH A WHITE SHIRT WITH AN OPEN COLLAR. ON HIS LEFT ARM IS ALI LARTER AND ON THE RIGHT IS MICHELLE RYAN.]

THOR: Thank you! Thank you! You’re too kind! Please, please! No flowers! I hate flowers. Just ladies panties. Thank you.

It’s a thrilling night here at the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters. We know it’s uncomfortable being blindfolded and driven to an undisclosed location in the back of a Pinto, so thanks for coming.

You know, flying here tonight in my private jet, surrounded by the nubile and naked bodies of several 18-year-old blind Nepalese handmaidens, I reflected on the importance of the award we’re here to give out tonight. What is the Apple Community Wedgie? Is it just a quick yank of the waistband to shoulder level and subsequent hanging of the recipient from a coat hook? Or is it something more? Here to explain the award is CARS’ own Masako Yamamoto.

[MASAKO APPEARS IN A BLACK EVENING DRESS, SLIT ALL THE WAY UP ONE SIDE. ON HER ARM IS TENNIS PLAYER AMELIE MAURESMO.]

YAMAMOTO: Thor, the Apple Community Wedgie goes to the pundit who has distinguished his or herself in the field of Apple-related jackassitude. Past winners include Michael Dell and George Ou. The award is determined by secret ballot by a secret committee of Apple community luminaries and can take place at any time. The committee is convened when a klieg light that sits atop the super-secret CARS headquarters is lit, shining the outline of a pair of men’s briefs in the sky. The process is both thoughtful and deliberate. When a pundit is nominated, the process can take days or minutes, but is audited by the accounting firm of PricewaterhouseCoopers. If a pundit is selected, a pair of briefs is hoisted on the CARS flagpole and the wedgie is delivered immediately and with extreme prejudice by several pre-selected members of the Apple community on call in the nominee’s geographic area.

[APPLAUSE AS MASAKO LEAVES THE STAGE.]

THOR: Thank you, Masako. Now, tonight’s award is a bit of a surprise. Who could have expected in the waning days of 2007, staring down the barrel at another exciting Macworld keynote, with Apple firing on all cylinders, that we’d see a work of such jackassitude that it would bring us all together here tonight. To present tonight’s award, I’d like to turn the stage over to CARS Editor-In-Chief John Moltz. John?

[MOLTZ APPEARS WEARING A GREY SUIT WITH FLOOD PANTS, WHITE BUCKS AND A RED BOW TIE.]

MOLTZ: Thor, when I first read about tonight’s late entrant, I believe Screaming Yellow Zonkers literally came flying out of my nose. I was eating Screaming Yellow Zonkers at the time and such was the force of my astonishment that the screen of my PowerBook will never be the same.

Rarely is a work so breathtakingly blinkered, so astoundingly ill-timed and yet still so fucking long. But even more rarely is it also keyed with the rhetorical reserve of a junior high school English Composition student.

Let’s take just a small look at some of this entrant’s work that has earned him this award.

Yet this is also a dangerous moment for Apple. In a way the company has never seen, the barbarians are massing at the gates. From hardware to software to services, major competitors with serious R&D and marketing budgets are laying siege to the House of Jobs.

In an age increasingly defined by interoperability and technical collaboration, Jobs still refuses to license Apple’s operating system.

He won’t allow music and videos downloaded from iTunes to be played on other MP3 players.

… MacWorld [sic] …

And there’s so much more. So, it is with great pleasure that I announce that this indeterminately periodic Apple Community Wedgie goes to…

Fast Company’s Adam L. Penenberg!

[THE CROWD ERUPTS IN APPLAUSE. AS THE CROWD APPLAUDS, A VIDEO MONITOR DESCENDS FROM THE CEILING ABOVE THE STAGE. IT SHOWS PENENBERG HANGING DEJECTEDLY FROM A COAT HOOK BY HIS UNDERWEAR, WHICH APPEARS TO BE A PAIR OF WHITE BOXERS WITH LITTLE RED HEARTS ON THEM. PENENBERG WAVES UNCOMFORTABLY, WINCING.]

Isn’t that great? It truly is a sign of a community coming together and saying “Holy fucking hell, you really are one tremendous jackass.”

Back to you, Thor.

THOR: Thank you, John! Well, I’d just like say what a privilege it’s been to MC this event tonight. It’s gratifying when the Apple community comes together and we here at CARS are pleased that even during the Cyber Apocalypse, we can all take the time to make a difference in someone’s life. By hoisting them up by their U-trow.

I want to thank you again for coming out. You’ve been a great audience. And now, I’ll leave you with…

THE SOLID GOLD CARS DANCERS!

[THE SOLID GOLD CARS DANCERS TAKE THE STAGE. LIGHTS SWEEP THE AUDIENCE AND PENENBERG CONTINUES TO WAVE UNCOMFORTABLY. MUSIC PLAYS. PAN OUT AND CUE COMMERCIAL.]

41 Responses to “CARS Presents: The Indeterminately Periodic Apple Community Wedgie Awards!”

  1. jkum44 says:

    Moltz, that was just terrific! And kudos to Gruber, too.

  2. Thor, you’re such a good writer!

    Third!

  3. Lee says:

    This should be made into a movie. Think of it… Moltz in a movie with Thor and Masako… whew! what a thought.

  4. Carl says:

    I liked CARS… before it sold out.

    It used to be about the rumors. Now, it’s just about the celebrities and the coke and the underpants.

    You’ve changed CARS; you’ve changed.

  5. OMGHAX says:

    Bravo, bravo! Encore!

  6. coolhandluke says:

    numero 8

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    Hey, Masako looks so classy in black! When is she scheduled to go hetero?

  8. shawk says:

    It’s all about the ratings.
    And the business jet. Does Thor fly a Falcon 7X, Gulfstream 550 or BBJ?
    Global Express? I think not. Bill Gates owns one.

  9. Anonymous says:

    I approve.

  10. Huh? says:

    Wow… Read this post, then tried to read the other… um… pile of drivel.

    I had to stop almost immediately, as I felt my IQ dropping.
    John, I hope you were using protection when you read it….

    Can we give the good Mr. Penenberg a lifetime Wedgie?
    Please?

  11. Nxxx says:

    John,
    Like all the great authors, you took us there, but where was JFC/The Entity?

  12. JeffC says:

    This is all the proof I needed:

    “… MacWorld [sic] …”

    🙂

  13. Chris says:

    I think an “atomic wedgie” is appropriate in this case. See http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=atomic+wedgie.

  14. Klayman says:

    Where’s Magnanimous Wang when we need him?

    Is “Penenberg” his real name? If it is, the guy must’ve suffered alot during his childhood (I wont explain the obvious) which would explain how he ended up writing such a dimwitted, moronic and delusional article, leading to this well deserved wedgie. If he made it up, that would also explain how he ended up writing such a dimwitted, moronic and delusional article, leading to this well deserved wedgie.

    In any case, I second the motion for an atomic wedgie. Well done CARS.

    Cheers
    Klayman

    PD: Is it me or was there a quick cameo of JFC/Entity standing next to Thors private jet engines, right before the Solid Gold Dancers went on stage?

  15. Bill Eccles says:

    It seems that Moltz and Gruber are on the same page with alarming regularity. (I only wish I could have alarming regularity. Guess I need more fiber.)

    So I looked around a bit and… I think they’re the same person!!

    Look. Here’s John Moltz:

    .

    And here’s John Gruber:

    .

    And if that doesn’t prove it, then note the similarity in their names:

    _John_ Gruber… _John_ Moltz…

    And, lastly, they’re both likely-left-leaning-liberals.

    I think that ’bout proves my point.

    /Bill

  16. Bill Eccles says:

    Um… yeah. The pictures didn’t quite come out right. Looks like I shoulda’ zoomed in a bit. As it is, those two look like identical specks.

    Let’s try that again.

    First, Gruber:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/ldandersen/352594381/

    Now Moltz:

    http://homepage.mac.com/jtmoltz/Sites/.Pictures/Photo%20Album%20Pictures/2007-03-05%2022.09.26%20-0800/Image-6ABE0A1ECBA611DB.jpg

    And THAT should prove my point.

  17. Apple Lopsider says:

    The first time Moltz read about the Fast Company article was in Daring Fireball? That’d be like Philip Pullman saying he first heard about this Golden Compass thing when he flicked open this week’s L’Osservatore Romano.

  18. Apple Lopsider says:

    Damn, Eccles beat me to it. Damn Eccles. Shouldn’t have wasted all that time looking up the correct spelling of “L’Osservatore”.

    Do I at least get extra points for being topical?

  19. Apple Lopsider says:

    (Also, I guess it’d be more like Pullman first hearing about The Golden Compass when he happens upon the HDM trilogy box set shopping for Christmans presents at his local Walterstones.)

  20. Apple Lopsider says:

    (Sorry, Waterstones. This is why I had to look up L’Osservatore.)

  21. Apple Lopsider says:

    (One last comment.)

  22. Del says:

    I missed the video broadcast of the awards. Can someone describe the dancers to me?

    Are they Solid-Gold (as in the dance show) or Solid Gold (as in Pirate Booty)? Also are they cars that dance or are they dancers for CARS?

  23. Loose Leaf says:

    All in favor of the atomic wedgie.

    Aye.

    Opposed.

    (Silence)

    Motion carried.

  24. Sudo Nym says:

    I’m officially old, because I didn’t get a single one of the pop culture references.

  25. greenacres says:

    IF you were old, you would remember the Solid Gold Dancers, my friend…oh, yes…

  26. kingthedestroyer says:

    I’m starting to doubt if the entity is really back, you think it would have made an appearance at such an important event…n

  27. blank says:

    For some reason, I read “major competitors with serious R&D and marketing budgets” as “major competitors with serious R&D and marketing badgers,” which seems ever so much more threatening.

    Those things are aggressive–worse than raccoons, and we all know how mean they can be!

  28. Simon says:

    I just can’t get being calling people jackasses for no real reason. I think the apple community is overly defensive.

  29. Chgo says:

    Sexist much???

  30. pohl says:

    I agree wih Chgo… when is a woman ever going to win a wedgie? I nominate Mary Jo Foley.

  31. ra says:

    aw, simon …

  32. Del says:

    Sorry their is a separate “Melvin” award for women. Though a large portion of the Mac community believe that George Ou should have won the Melvin as opposed to the wedgie.

  33. Chris says:

    There’s nothing defensive about an atomic wedgie.

  34. Sudo Nym says:

    By the way, congrats are in order — CARS’ exclusive Putin report is confirmed. The Mac investigative reporting site Think Secret has been liquidated.

  35. FilmPhotoWeb says:

    I just read on Think Secret that CARS is being sued by Apple for being just a bit too smart alicky.

    33!

  36. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Masako is looking HOT! Come back to us! Men, Masako, men!

    Oh, wait, Amélie is even hotterer. See ya Masako.

    Amélie, come back to us! Men, Amélie, men!

    And Moltz! Moltz looks…well he looks Moltzy. Please leave the stage and take that mental image of your Powerbook’s screen with you, please.

    Oh, wait, its The Solid Gold CARS Dancers! They’re almost as good as Dean Martin’s Gold Diggers were! (Hey, I was a young kid when they were on, gimme a break. No! The Gold Diggers, ass.) They’re beautiful and all gold. Why is one dressed like 3PO? That’s wrong. But 3PO does have nice legs…

    Wow what an evening. I darn near didn’t get up and get that third bag of Cheetos for fear of missing something. Then I decided, what the hell.

  37. Gom says:

    This Indeterminately Periodic Apple Community Wedgie Awards ceremony will go down as one of the classic Indeterminately Periodic Apple Community Wedgie Awards ceremonies of all time. Kudos to the sponsors, staff, guests, artists, pit orchestra and production team for putting such an enchanting and “glad I wore my Tranquility Preimiums” night for everyone involved.

    Thank you.

    -Gom

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