ANNOUNCER: Live, from the amphitheater at the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters, it’s the third indeterminately periodic Apple Community Wedgie Awards!
ANNOUNCER: And now, your host… Thor Samson!
[APPLAUSE AS THOR TAKES THE STAGE, WEARING A TUXEDO SUIT WITH A WHITE SHIRT WITH AN OPEN COLLAR. ON HIS LEFT ARM IS ALI LARTER AND ON THE RIGHT IS MICHELLE RYAN.]
THOR: Thank you! Thank you! You’re too kind! Please, please! No flowers! I hate flowers. Just ladies panties. Thank you.
It’s a thrilling night here at the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters. We know it’s uncomfortable being blindfolded and driven to an undisclosed location in the back of a Pinto, so thanks for coming.
You know, flying here tonight in my private jet, surrounded by the nubile and naked bodies of several 18-year-old blind Nepalese handmaidens, I reflected on the importance of the award we’re here to give out tonight. What is the Apple Community Wedgie? Is it just a quick yank of the waistband to shoulder level and subsequent hanging of the recipient from a coat hook? Or is it something more? Here to explain the award is CARS’ own Masako Yamamoto.
[MASAKO APPEARS IN A BLACK EVENING DRESS, SLIT ALL THE WAY UP ONE SIDE. ON HER ARM IS TENNIS PLAYER AMELIE MAURESMO.]
YAMAMOTO: Thor, the Apple Community Wedgie goes to the pundit who has distinguished his or herself in the field of Apple-related jackassitude. Past winners include Michael Dell and George Ou. The award is determined by secret ballot by a secret committee of Apple community luminaries and can take place at any time. The committee is convened when a klieg light that sits atop the super-secret CARS headquarters is lit, shining the outline of a pair of men’s briefs in the sky. The process is both thoughtful and deliberate. When a pundit is nominated, the process can take days or minutes, but is audited by the accounting firm of PricewaterhouseCoopers. If a pundit is selected, a pair of briefs is hoisted on the CARS flagpole and the wedgie is delivered immediately and with extreme prejudice by several pre-selected members of the Apple community on call in the nominee’s geographic area.
[APPLAUSE AS MASAKO LEAVES THE STAGE.]
THOR: Thank you, Masako. Now, tonight’s award is a bit of a surprise. Who could have expected in the waning days of 2007, staring down the barrel at another exciting Macworld keynote, with Apple firing on all cylinders, that we’d see a work of such jackassitude that it would bring us all together here tonight. To present tonight’s award, I’d like to turn the stage over to CARS Editor-In-Chief John Moltz. John?
[MOLTZ APPEARS WEARING A GREY SUIT WITH FLOOD PANTS, WHITE BUCKS AND A RED BOW TIE.]
MOLTZ: Thor, when I first read about tonight’s late entrant, I believe Screaming Yellow Zonkers literally came flying out of my nose. I was eating Screaming Yellow Zonkers at the time and such was the force of my astonishment that the screen of my PowerBook will never be the same.
Rarely is a work so breathtakingly blinkered, so astoundingly ill-timed and yet still so fucking long. But even more rarely is it also keyed with the rhetorical reserve of a junior high school English Composition student.
Let’s take just a small look at some of this entrant’s work that has earned him this award.
Yet this is also a dangerous moment for Apple. In a way the company has never seen, the barbarians are massing at the gates. From hardware to software to services, major competitors with serious R&D and marketing budgets are laying siege to the House of Jobs.
In an age increasingly defined by interoperability and technical collaboration, Jobs still refuses to license Apple’s operating system.
He won’t allow music and videos downloaded from iTunes to be played on other MP3 players.
… MacWorld [sic] …
And there’s so much more. So, it is with great pleasure that I announce that this indeterminately periodic Apple Community Wedgie goes to…
[THE CROWD ERUPTS IN APPLAUSE. AS THE CROWD APPLAUDS, A VIDEO MONITOR DESCENDS FROM THE CEILING ABOVE THE STAGE. IT SHOWS PENENBERG HANGING DEJECTEDLY FROM A COAT HOOK BY HIS UNDERWEAR, WHICH APPEARS TO BE A PAIR OF WHITE BOXERS WITH LITTLE RED HEARTS ON THEM. PENENBERG WAVES UNCOMFORTABLY, WINCING.]
Isn’t that great? It truly is a sign of a community coming together and saying “Holy fucking hell, you really are one tremendous jackass.”
Back to you, Thor.
THOR: Thank you, John! Well, I’d just like say what a privilege it’s been to MC this event tonight. It’s gratifying when the Apple community comes together and we here at CARS are pleased that even during the Cyber Apocalypse, we can all take the time to make a difference in someone’s life. By hoisting them up by their U-trow.
I want to thank you again for coming out. You’ve been a great audience. And now, I’ll leave you with…
THE SOLID GOLD CARS DANCERS!
[THE SOLID GOLD CARS DANCERS TAKE THE STAGE. LIGHTS SWEEP THE AUDIENCE AND PENENBERG CONTINUES TO WAVE UNCOMFORTABLY. MUSIC PLAYS. PAN OUT AND CUE COMMERCIAL.]