Whither the Staff?

Well, despite drinking my weight in Tres Generaciones Anejo, I was unable to make time and space roll backwards and undo the Entity’s shocker announcement of last week.

I did actually close a loop in the space/time continuum that was causing Stan Sigman to read off the same index card over and over and over and over. So, that was good. Get that guy back on the golf course where he belongs.

But when I woke up this morning after going to bed on Saturday morning and dragged myself into the office, there was the Entity, taking things out of his desk and putting them into a cardboard box.

Single paper clip. Bag of Baked Lays. Pencil. Bag of Baked Lays. Swingline stapler. Bag of Baked Lays. Thoronson portable particle accelerator. Bag of Baked Lays…

He’s out of here on Friday.

So that’s it.

Come Friday, the show’s over.

It’s not so bad, I guess. I’ve been doing this for six years and I still haven’t scored that free Cinema Display I dreamed of when I first posted on Blogspot.

I talked with the staff today and they all spent the weekend thinking about their options.

Thor’s obviously set since he’s independently wealthy. He just stood there for a second then said “Well, I’m going skydiving.” Then he walked out.

Now, Howard…

Well…

How do I say this?

Howard actually had to be put down over a year ago.

I just…

I didn’t have the heart to tell you.

Yep. Hip dysplasia. Sad, really.

Um…

Uh…

You’re crying.

Um, I’m just kidding. We, uh, we actually drove him out to a biiiig farm in the country and he’s running around, uh, chasing the chickens and, uh, taking pictures of them… for a big… farm… exposé… for Life magazine.

Really.

He’s going to blow the farm stereotype wide open.

Totally. Don’t cry.

It’s Chet we had to have put down.

No, actually, this was kind of a shock to me, but he’s already got another job lined up. Yep. He’s reached some form of détente with the rest of his family and is going to work for the Mac Business Unit at Microsoft. It’s nice for him. It’s a nice middle ground. I think the current version was looking a little too Mac-like and they were looking for someone to help really crap up the interface for them. You know, tart it up like a cheap whore.

I think he’s going to do well there.

Masako simply announced that she’s decided to “go back to her people”. No one was really sure if she meant the Japanese or lesbians. I like to imagine it’s the lesbians. As a matter of fact, I like to imagine that a little too much, if you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

So, I’m like, “Well, Ugluk. Looks like it’s just you and me, buddy.”

And then the Entity offers to drop him off in 20,000 B.C. on his way back to his dimension.

Great. Thanks a lot.

You know, I can’t do this site alone. There’s vast amounts of research, interviewing and writing, not to mention all the web maintenance, marketing and administration.

And then someone has to keep the hot tub maintained, brush the polo ponies and oil the Solid Gold CARS Dancers.

So…

Friday it is.

What the hell am I going to do after that? There’s no way I’m going back to chartered accountancy. No way, man.

117 thoughts on “Whither the Staff?”

  5. As I sing to my son every other night, “Good night, Johnny, good night, Johnny, good night, Johnny, it’s time to say good night.”

    (On the alternate nights, it’s “Stairway to Heaven.”)

    Save up those puns.

  6. Dagnabbit, I finally get around to subscribing to CARS’s RSS feed when I got back from Expo only to have it die on me? This is like every houseplant I’ve ever owned.

  7. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    *sniff*

    First AtAT is ripped from me, now this!
    Even my Pantsâ„¢ are speechless for once.

    Perhaps, before the end of the week, I’ll compose myself enough to put together a decent farewell post…
    But not tonight…
    (note the single tear running down cheek)

  9. Aw crap. You realize I have a propensity for violence and I… know people.

    If you do not keep me entertained, things might… happen.

    I mean I’m not saying anything specific you know. I’d never say anything like that. We’re all friends here, aren’t we? No, nothing like that. But accidents do happen. you know, randomly. Mostly.

    Did I mention I grew up in Jersey?

  11. Double the 1, double the fun!

    John Moltz is my favorite writer after Douglas Adams. But honestly, it’s about time he shut the hell up. He’s been quite prolific over the last 6 years.

  12. Jeez, it’s Mac celebrity night here, isn’t it. I see Glenn and Rich and Dan… Ah, the power of Twitter.

    As much as I like to imagine what a “hot tube” is, I fixed the typo.

  13. All I have to say is that my arm better be fixed by Friday or I’m going to be seriously disappointed.

    Heck, what am I saying? I’ll be seriously disappointed either way. I just found time to make it back here.

    MARK

  14. John, what am i going to do now. I feel like i cant go on. Like nothing will get me through the day anymore. What else am i supposed to read while helping old ladies set up their email!!! Answer me that JOHN and THEN you can close shop.

  15. Well that does it. Now, what the hell am I supposed to do with my free time? Read? Damn.

    I’m coming over there in the spring, Moltz, and if I find you with Jennifer Fricking Connelly, I’m telling your Mom.

    Damn.

  17. Holy Crap! Let the testimonials role in. I believe I have not missed a post since the beginning, and had fun posting comments under others’ names.

  18. Well, actually, i am not surprised.

    We are on the peak of a major transformation.

    Pluto moved into Capricorn yesterday. Did you feel the shift in energy? It takes 17 years to move from sign to sign. Transformation of the Earth is occurring, and of our earthbound energy.

    Mercury goes retrograde on Monday. We can already feel the roller-coaster begin to sloooooowwwwww down, stop and go into reverse. Mars will go direct on Thursday. Yikes!!! So brace for more water, it being in Cancer, a water sign.

  21. Maybe if I’d left more than 5 bucks in the tip jar, we’d be enjoying Moltzy wit for years to come. I blame this on myself. Well, actually I blame it on huh?, he’s always running around in here without his pants.

    I can’t believe I didn’t make it on John’s list of Mac celebrities. I mean, I won that award and everything. No wait, maybe that was somebody else. But I do *own* a Mac, surely that counts for something?

  22. Look, guys. We *could* go on without John, couldn’t we?

    Just asking.

    I mean it’s a good crew here now. We could just keep it going until John decides to return.

    Don’t you think we owe him this?

  23. I spent the weekend in hospital following the shock of Friday’s post.
    Booking myself into the Hospice Saturday.

  24. So, will I have to get a life now? I’m not even sure what that is anymore.

    If this venue is closing down, we mega-giga-terapostians are going to have to crash somewhere else…

    Hmm, I see Rip Ragged has a blog… it would serve him right, eh?

  25. Mr. Moltz, Sir,
    Although I never had the pleasure of having the ‘Yanks’ by our side back in 1865 on the North West Frontier, I found the American forces to be reasonably effective during the 1914-18 war in Europe. Unless you reconsider your decision, I shall organise one last expedition with the sole object of persuading you to continue or I might have you taken outside and shot at dawn.
    Disgusted Col Ret

  26. Could anyone give me my medication ?
    Could anyone give John his medication ?

    Is that a depression or am I driving this fast car toward a wall ?

  29. It’s Macworld isn’t it?

    You said you were “just friends” and Jason Snell didn’t mean anything to you, “could never replace what we have”, you said.

    How could you. I hate you…. I love you.

    Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

    There’s a hole
    In my life
    There’s a hole
    In my life

    Oh Sting, only you know my pain.

  30. Oh come on!?

    What the hell!?

    You’re just going to pack up and leave like Think Secret!?

    Now whose going to tell us when the cyber apocalypse is coming!?

    Mac Rumors *pfft* they don’t even mention the possibility of it!

    You baby.

    YOUR A SELL OUT, THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE!

    SELL OUT!

    THE ROBOTS CAME AND OFFERED YOU MONEY AND YOU TOOK IT!

    AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE TOUGH MOLTZ!

    *Splits towards webste*

    *Wipes 24″ iMac screen off begging for forgiveness.*

  31. Ah Streetrabbit, that takes me back.

    Shadow in my heart
    Tearing me apart
    Or maybe it’s just something
    In my staaaaaars….

    Good luck in chartered accountancy, John!

  33. Ok, John, you’re now actually starting to scare the sh** out of me.
    You are *NOT* serious, are you? I mean I mean I mean… dude, you just can’t!
    Have you even thought about what you’re doing to us, mate? I’m gonna have to go to a CARS AA Meeting. How many steps do you think we need to get CARS out of our bloodstream?
    Damn, see? I’m starting to get paranoid already… vision blurring… too noisy in here… and what the hell is that pink rhino doing on a seventh floor anyway… damn you Moltz!

  34. Well, MY stock went up after this announcement! This will save me at least FIVE minutes of every working day reading Moltzies er… insights, another TEN minutes recuperating, HALF an HOUR of trying to think of something to add to the comments, FIVE minutes trying to write something funny, A FULL HOUR staring at my screen, realizing I am not nor will ever be remotely funny, ever, TEN minutes crying and THREE minutes eating a Bag of Baked Lays for Breakfast… Godammit, I’ll be so productive, what shall I do with all the extra money i make…

    Hey Moltzy, is CARS for sale?

  36. I STILL say it’s because Moltz and Gruber are the same person. I mean, there is photographic evidence that one of them was at Macworld (Moltz, as taken by “Gruber”), but no photographic evidence that “Gruber” was there. (Or should that be “Moltz” and Gruber?)

    And then there’s that whole Macworld thing. “One” of them gets a sweet paying gig at Macworld. The “other” follows suit. Hmmm.

    I posted a pair of photos a while back that make it SOOOOO incredibly obvious that “they” are really one person. They look EXAAAAACTLY alike. (Hmmm. You can’t quite do the multiple-vowel thing with “exactly.” Oh, well.)

    I have to agree with Selfemployed. My employer will be so much happier with my performance now.

    Hey, did you have Howard stuffed? Is that him playing Rowdy on “Scrubs?” Are you surrrre? They look EXAAAAACTLY alike! I sense a new conspiracy!!

    /Bill

  38. Moltz, You can always do like I did and move to the middle of nowhere …. only downfall is using a satellite internet connection. Grow grapes, hops and barley and be a true Red, White and Brew American! Oh yeah. The other downfall is the Entity wouldn’t like it out here. Come to think of it, my wife doesn’t either. Is that a positive or negative thing??!!

    One thing for sure is that I will truly hate removing CARS from my bookmarks and daily routine. Good luck, you bastard!

  39. It was the NPR interview wasn’t it? Now you’re all “big time” and can be bothered with us lowly “commenters” any more.

    Moltzy, how about if you leave this site up and just shoot us some links to whenever you get any more writing gigs? You could be like the anti-Erdley or however you spell that guy’s name.

  40. umm…hello…

    Hi, my name is Alex, I’m a long time listener and first time caller… well …poster… and umm…well… no…. this is my source of cheeriness in the otherwise intense and complicated world that is Apple…. help?

  41. 1. CARS is not for sale. To you people, anyway.

    2. I am working on other funding options. I’ve got some interested parties from the Gamma Quadrant.

    3. It will probably take a little while – say, a couple of months – to arrange any new funding, should that work out. During this time I will get a much-needed break from something I’ve been doing pretty much every day for 6 years.

    4. No, you may *not* have a forwarding address for Masako.

    5. There is no number 5.

  42. It’s happened again.

    1 – I find a site I like.

    2 – I post to it for the first time (about 2 weeks ago).

    3 – The site closes down.

    My record is still unblemished.

  43. I blame myself for all of this really. If I weren’t such a poor schmuck none of this would be happening. Moltz and team have all put in unbelievable amounts of effort day in and day out for years, and I can’t even write the occasional check and take 30 minutes out of my day to drive it out there.

    I’m sorry guys. I let you all down.

    MARK

  45. :'(

    John if it’s the ninja’s just let me know. I’ll let you borrow the kittens for protection, No Charge.

  48. Somewhere in the distance, a cow moos with a curiously mournful tone.

    Crickets chirrup lazily, unaware of the change.

    Phil Schiller wakes up and realizes he’s just the second banana and not really a Living God after all.

    Jennifer Connelly mysteriously feels a strange disturbance in the Force, as if hundreds (well, dozens anyway) of commenters who were leering at her in their hearts were suddenly silenced.

    Like antique clockworks whose gears have finally rusted, the lesbian ninja sexbots lurch and stall, assuming awkward poses for all eternity.

    It’s a sad day, is all I’m saying.

  49. Noooooo…. Its not true!
    If so, Thanks for many web moment filling grins– magnificent CARS staff
    Now i will have to wait for the CARS compilation DVD to be hawked on late nite TV.. and digital TV at that.

    Would like to put in a bid for a Ninja though… if you have a spare one that is.
    And Just where do retired sites go to die—Berners-Lee didn’t think of that i’ll bet.
    Maybe Brin et al will make a proper graveyard so as one could bring flowers of something..at least be able to pay proper respects. … sob…

  50. My guess is that it’s fucking YOKO again. She always does this, starts dating a guy and then whispers into his ear about how he could “be so much more”. She thinks you should quit, that’s it isn’t it. It’s always some fricking chick whose named YOKO, it never fails.

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