Whither the Staff?

Well, despite drinking my weight in Tres Generaciones Anejo, I was unable to make time and space roll backwards and undo the Entity’s shocker announcement of last week.

I did actually close a loop in the space/time continuum that was causing Stan Sigman to read off the same index card over and over and over and over. So, that was good. Get that guy back on the golf course where he belongs.

But when I woke up this morning after going to bed on Saturday morning and dragged myself into the office, there was the Entity, taking things out of his desk and putting them into a cardboard box.

Single paper clip. Bag of Baked Lays. Pencil. Bag of Baked Lays. Swingline stapler. Bag of Baked Lays. Thoronson portable particle accelerator. Bag of Baked Lays…

He’s out of here on Friday.

So that’s it.

Come Friday, the show’s over.

It’s not so bad, I guess. I’ve been doing this for six years and I still haven’t scored that free Cinema Display I dreamed of when I first posted on Blogspot.

I talked with the staff today and they all spent the weekend thinking about their options.

Thor’s obviously set since he’s independently wealthy. He just stood there for a second then said “Well, I’m going skydiving.” Then he walked out.

Now, Howard…


How do I say this?

Howard actually had to be put down over a year ago.

I just…

I didn’t have the heart to tell you.

Yep. Hip dysplasia. Sad, really.



You’re crying.

Um, I’m just kidding. We, uh, we actually drove him out to a biiiig farm in the country and he’s running around, uh, chasing the chickens and, uh, taking pictures of them… for a big… farm… exposé… for Life magazine.


He’s going to blow the farm stereotype wide open.

Totally. Don’t cry.

It’s Chet we had to have put down.

No, actually, this was kind of a shock to me, but he’s already got another job lined up. Yep. He’s reached some form of détente with the rest of his family and is going to work for the Mac Business Unit at Microsoft. It’s nice for him. It’s a nice middle ground. I think the current version was looking a little too Mac-like and they were looking for someone to help really crap up the interface for them. You know, tart it up like a cheap whore.

I think he’s going to do well there.

Masako simply announced that she’s decided to “go back to her people”. No one was really sure if she meant the Japanese or lesbians. I like to imagine it’s the lesbians. As a matter of fact, I like to imagine that a little too much, if you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

So, I’m like, “Well, Ugluk. Looks like it’s just you and me, buddy.”

And then the Entity offers to drop him off in 20,000 B.C. on his way back to his dimension.

Great. Thanks a lot.

You know, I can’t do this site alone. There’s vast amounts of research, interviewing and writing, not to mention all the web maintenance, marketing and administration.

And then someone has to keep the hot tub maintained, brush the polo ponies and oil the Solid Gold CARS Dancers.


Friday it is.

What the hell am I going to do after that? There’s no way I’m going back to chartered accountancy. No way, man.

117 thoughts on “Whither the Staff?”

  1. Fear not John. You have a humungous..no wait..that’s my wife hitting on you. You have a large following and statistically if eacho ne of us offered up a letter you’d have an article worthy of any CARS article written during a drunken haze after watching an oily Lez brawl. You know, it’s bound to work…monkeys in a room w/ typewriters and all that.
    Fellow CARSians, submit!!


  2. Ugh.
    I feel sick. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m eating lunch now.

    I am curious about something: if Howard has been gone for over a year, then who the frick was driving John around while he was searching for the Entity? Maybe the robots got to him early…

    To get serious for a moment, I will happily write a check to cover the site hosting costs so we have a place to collectively amuse ourselves as we anxiously await your return.

    I think an uber-post would be in order, though we’d probably need a map. And someone who could read it…

  3. Mogull… Mogull? My SOKs knew a Mogull once. Nice guy, too.

    I’d also like to say it’s great seeing everyone else here again, including the Disgusted Col Ret.

  4. Well, amid the sobs, let me just say, John, that you’re making a wise move. You’re leaving at the top of your game. Just think: An NPR interview in which you sneak in a mention of sexbots. Blurbs in MacWorld (or whatever magazine paid you for those blurbs). A loyal following that, despite a strange interest in posting first, actually likes what you have to say. Wife and kid. House overlooking the bay. Free Mac gear spilling out of your office closet. A cool, tax-sheltered million or so hidden in an Cayman Islands bank account. New Prius in the driveway. Super Bowl tickets. New Lands End sleeveless sweater (a Christmas gift from Kim and Bill, no doubt). A ’08 copy of those coupon books that give you all sorts of discounts at Tacoma restaurants. Subscription to Life magazine. Sewer problems all in the past. A Wii. New microwave. In short, you’ve got it all. Now, go roll in your treasures and tell yourself, “Job well done.”

  5. Mr. John Moltz,

    I am saddened to hear of the imminent demise of CARS. Having been a faithful reader (translation: someone without better things to do) for these many years, I will deeply miss the bright spot in my day when I read the latest Crazy Apple Rumor.

    This set of comments is turning into a preemptive wake, so in that spirit, I raise a Jack Daniel’s and Water on the rocks in your honor.



    Best Luck Always (and give JfC a squeeze and a pinch for all of us),


  6. I’m …

    too sad … to post.

    Well, ok, I thought I was, but see, here I am posting and …

    Dang it Moltz. You caught me in one of those stupid interdimensional vortex paradoxes again. You know, the ones that suck all the funniness out of my posts?

    ‘Cuz they’re funny when I’m not getting sucked into one of those…really….

    Oh dang it. Any chance of a last coherent thought related to CARS just wen out the window. What the hey, enjoy your bananas and apple jacks. I’m going to go polish my socks and spit the moonspline.


  7. Hang on. Is this really it? What the hell’s going on? Who’s going to take the piss out of Apple now, hmmm? They’ll turn into Microsoft, goddam it. Is that what you want. Is it, hmmm?

    No, seriously, You’re not really going, are you?



  8. To paraphrase the dolphins, “thanks for all the posts”! Well, maybe not all of them, but certainly lots of them. It’s not often that something on the interweb makes me actually laugh out loud, but you’ve certainly caused that to happen quite a few times. Best wishes for the future. 🙂

    Perhaps you could comeback occasionally and do, say, a Christmas special post?

  9. But but….

    If there’s no more ATAT and no more CARS, then, then….


    Thanks for all the great posts John, and for tolerating us all during that spate about a year ago when the eleventh post was all that mattered. GL with all you do.

  10. Well, at least Moltz won’t turn it into a no-effort dead revenue site like… Ohh, say, Macintouch or MacOSRumors.

    What worries me is the quick denial that the recent outage wasn’t caused by rampaging robots. Are we sure he isn’t being held hostage by a nickel plated ne’re-do-well?

    What about the sexbots? Will they ever come to fruition without CARS? I mean, I can’t afford a Real-Doll, I was hoping for Apple’s mass marketing to bring the price down… or even a cheezy rip-off from MS. Wait… a Zune-Doll is female, right?

    God I’m depressed.

    Ponies… Gratuitous use of the word “Fuck”… Bad proofreading…

    I’m going to miss it all.

  11. Can’t you just have done a “Dread Pirate Roberts” thing a la The Princess Bride and silently transferred title, taxes, & tags to a new “John Moltz”? We’d have never known the difference . . .


    Hey, why are you guys all crying? I haven’t had time to read the post, did I miss something?

    C’mon you guys… cut it out. You’re kind of freaking me out…

  13. John, John, the gray goose is gone
    And the fox is on the town-o


    crotchratchet (of doom)

  14. All you weepy commenters are making me sniffle. It’s very touching and all, the way you wax poetic when you learn an old friend is leaving for an unspecified time or reason.

    But remember: when you wax poetic, be sure to buff poetic. To a high sheen. So it’s shiny. Ooh…

  15. Hey folks. Did we miss something? Did John say that, if he gets some funds lined up, then there is just a possibility that in a few months he might have something to post?

    “I am working on other funding options.”
    “It will probably take a little while – say, a couple of months – to arrange any new funding, should that work out. During this time I will get a much-needed break from something I’ve been doing pretty much every day for 6 years.”

    We can do this. Go back to the first posts and start reading them again. One a day. After each one you google JfC /images and look at the next image. Before you know it John’ll be back.. It’ll be just like old times. *empty laugh*

    Till then, thanks John. Thank you very much. You have earned some time off the treadmill. You really should write that book I told you to write a few years ago. A catchy title and you might actually make some money… “Phil Schiller: The Edge of Darkness”.

  16. I thought something was up when your imaginary friends, er, that is to say, CARS staff, when largely missing from your postings… and now this. I very much fear that you are growing up… My heartfelt condolences.

    I have been reading and enjoying your work almost from day one and will truly miss all the CARS gang!

    Thank you for all the laughs! And Good luck!

  17. Oh no! No no no no no!
    This can’t be happening. Please no!
    Don’t go!
    Please don’t leave us dad.

    Ah… I said ‘John’ not ‘dad’. Psshht ‘dad’! What are you talking about? Why would I say ‘dad’?
    I said ‘John’ not ‘dad’. I SAID JOHN DAMMIT!

    Hey look over there! A sexbot!

  18. Its just all too cryptic, all of these “unspecified amounts of time”

    If this is one giant hoax…. By god im gonna….. Im gonna, well….. cry a little.

    NO IM NOT!


    too late.

  19. It’s just like when Gary Trudeau took a break from Doonesbury. People thought he’d never come back.

    And yet he did.

    And the strip still isn’t funny.

    So I’m sure everything will be alright.

  20. First ATAT, now CARS. Where will we get our Apple humor? John Dvorack? OK, he is pretty funny, but still…

  21. +

    Oh well THIS is just great. The first time I log into CARS in about a week and this is what I find. And do you know why I haven’t been logging in during the past week? Do you?

    ‘Cause I discovered Firefly, then Serenity, and after watching every scrap of that particular Whedonverse ever made (and most likely ever to be made) I came here to mend a broken heart; a heart broken because I really want to see more of that show.

    Especially River. Can’t get enough of River.

    River River River.


    But its gone, so I come here to mend my broken heart, only to have it broken AGAIN? No more CARS? You must be kidding! I mean, Moltz, you’re getting quoted in legitimate articles and such! You can’t quit now!

    Well I guess you can.

    Fine, quit then. Go ahead. I’ll just go brace myself for Jericho’s second cancellation and the impending doom of TTSCC at the hands of the incompetent FOX. Might as well watch American Idol and log onto Dvorak and Enderle. Toss my RUSH and Pink Floyd and buy the Britney box set. Embrace crap and mediocrity, that’s what I’ll do!

    At least I’ll never run out of that….


  22. suck suck suck

    I want more PONIES!

    AND Jennifer Fricking Connelly (at the same time, dammit! – now more than ever!)

    suck suck suck

  23. Rumors that the beleaguered Crazy Apple Rumors Site was in imminent danger of closing have proven true, as John Moltz today announced plans to stop posting new articles and trade in all his Apple branded equipment for cheap commodity hardware running OpenBSD.

    Theo de Raadt hailed the move as long overdue, noting that nobody who chose to join the OpenBSD family regretted leaving the insecure, unstable world of Mac OS 7, and that the system he had created often served as a haven for people seeking peace of mind, and added “at OpenBSD we put friendliness first, and just naturally get along with everyone. What’s not to like?”

  24. nooo! you can’t let us gnomes down! where will we now go to get our gnome-related news?

  25. Well I should have read this a few days ago, but that is what I get for being sick, and now I’m sick again, can’t get sites like this a work, they were all blocked except for this one.
    Well, good luck and all other such phrases that infer well wishes on a dubious furture endeavor.

    PS I wonder who will claim last post?É

  26. mrmgraphics, can’t get enough of River? Watch the new terminator series. Basically it is just River as a terminator.

  27. Although I am saddened at the thought of CARS demise i am bouyed by the fact that cricket will always be there to comfort and encourage andentertain us. Just not cricket on CARS. And so I offer …

    Fourth Test, Adelaide, day five (close):
    Australia 563 drew with India 526 & 269-7

    The fourth and final Test in Adelaide ended in a draw as Australia secured a 2-1 series victory against India.

    With captain Ricky Ponting off the field because of a back problem, Adam Gilchrist fittingly captained the side for part of his final day of Test duty.

    But India opener Virender Sehwag struck magnificent 151, featuring two sixes, to lead the tourists to safety after they resumed eight ahead at 45-1.

    Sehwag batted until deep into the final session as India reached 269-7.

    Australia were confident of giving Gilchrist a farewell victory, and their hopes increased when two of India’s key batsmen departed in unusual fashion in the opening session.

    Firstly Rahul Dravid was struck painfully on the finger by a lifting ball from Brett Lee in the fifth over of the morning.

    The former skipper made no addition to his overnight 11 and was forced to leave the field shortly after sustaining his injury.

    Then Sachin Tendulkar, in what is sadly likely to be his last Test innings in Australia, was run-out attempting a poorly judged single shortly before lunch.

    Tendulkar got off the mark with a stylish cover drive for four but had made only 13 before pushing Mitchell Johnson into the leg-side, getting halfway down the pitch and being sent back and falling well short of his ground as the bowler’s throw rattled into the stumps.

    In an emotional final day of the series, Tendulkar was later awarded the Man-of-the-match award for his scintillating first innings century and praised by Cricket Australia chairman Creagh O’Connor for his achievements down under.

    Sehwag, who had never previously made a second innings hundred, was the one batsman to score freely on a wicket that became increasingly slow and difficult to time the ball on.

    He lofted Brad Hogg for a huge six over long-on and then drove the next ball through the covers for four.

    In the ninth over after lunch, with India’s lead 125, Sourav Ganguly drove a near yorker length ball from Johnson to short cover, and the third umpire confirmed that the catch was clean and not a ‘bump ball.’

    VVS Laxman succumbed to a short one from Lee that he gloved to Gilchrist down the leg-side, while Mahendra Dhoni drove a wide, full length delivery from the paceman that was snaffled brilliantly one-handed by Matthew Hayden in the gully.

    With Dravid and RP Singh unable to bat, it was important that Sehwag remained, and he played in the responsible fashion some of his critics felt he was unable to.

    India were content to consolidate and there were no boundaries in the 25 overs between lunch and tea, but Sehwag reached 150 with a fluent drive through to the cover boundary.

    In the next over, however, he feathered a catch off Andrew Symonds to give Gilchrist his 379th and final catch in Test cricket.

    The match continued for a further 12 overs, during which Ponting defied his troublesome back to pouch a Harbhajan Singh drive above his head at mid-off.

    But with India 232 ahead there was to be no dramatic run chase that all Australians – and a great many other cricket followers around the world – were hoping would have been led by Gilchrist.

    It did, however, give the opportunity for the players and the crowd to show their appreciation for a great cricketer.

  28. aww shucks, Rosie. Why’d ya have to go do a fool thing like that?

    and to think all it would have taken was that Cinema Display at Christmas. Nah. I wouldn’t change a thing.

    you rocked.

  29. This is an outrage! Or an uproar. Definite downturn.

    Say Hi to Jack Miller for me, Moltz.


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