Joz's Children Have No Zunes

Apple vice president of iPod and iPhone Product Marketing Greg “Joz” Joswiak harbors a secret in his home: His children have no Zunes.

Hard as this is to believe in 2009, when Microsoft’s music player is found in dozens of households around the world, Joz’s children are forbidden to own the device made by Apple’s fiercest competitor for music-playing hardware.

In a recent interview with Guitar World Magazine, Joz’s wife, “Linda,” reluctantly told a reporter that, “Zunes are banned from our household.”

Acknowledging the strain this puts on her, “Linda” explained, “Every now and then I look at my friends and say, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if we all went out and bought Zunes and then purchased some music and used Wi-Fi on the Zunes to share the music with each other for a limited period of time?’ My friends press the pause button on the headphone cords for their new tiny iPod shuffles and say, ‘Huh?’ But it still stings.”

Joz’s children, Clarus, Luxo, and OpenDoc, have also never known the joy of firing up Windows Vista, cursing, rebooting, cursing, rebooting again, installing hundred of megabytes of critical updates, rebooting, installing anti-virus updates, rebooting, waiting for a system scan to complete, and then having Internet Explorer 7 improperly render a standards-compliant Web page and crash, and then reinstalling the operating system.

“It’s hard on the kids, because when they go to school – a special school that they use a scramjet to attend and which is carved out of the side of a skull-shaped island – and tell their friends about how they were watching movies on an iPod or playing games on their iPhone or using a Mac to create a movie from video they shot from their manned mission to Mars, the other kids just stare at them in blank comprehension,” “Linda” said. “Of course, all the other children have Apple equipment.”

Joswiak’s children may find iPods and iPhone littering every surface in their home – their fleet of Roombas crunches up a dozen or more a day – but there’s not a single Windows Mobile powered phone to be found.

“Fuck no,” said “Linda.” “Are you fucking insane? Have you fucking used Windows Mobile? With the OK button up in the corner? And the fucking fuckety fuck fucked up interface? Really, I know you’re smoking pot, but are you on crank and ecstacy, too? Fucking moron.”

50 thoughts on “Joz's Children Have No Zunes”

  1. That Linda is *such* a potty-mouth! She’s not allowed in my house. At least not until she takes back those things she said about my rhododendron.

    And my dahlias.

    And Phil.

    OK, maybe she was right about Phil, but he can’t help it if he walks that way.

  2. THREE! Just like old times. All these months go by and I still never read the post before I comment.

  3. There, see what happens? You snooze for one second and you get “Aced” out…

  4. Having read the article, I can now honestly say, WOOT! Moltz is back big time with his golden journalism. It’s like he never left!

    Life is good again…

    (Disclaimer: Moltz being back and life being good is not a cause/effect type thing, but rather a correlation or coincidence.)

  5. I read the post but didn’t read the comments before posting.

    Sorry, Weeping Willow. I’m not usually a cheap hack.

  6. How is it possible that I check this site for the first time in months, and there is a post so fresh it is still steaming? HOW?!?!?

  7. That’s weird, Daddy B. Same thing happened to me. Just finished checking my brackets and decided to check in here!

  8. Poor kids. Subscription music rocks. I feel bad for anyone who has to do business with Apple. I have an Apple-free household, and it’s the only way to live.

  9. Everyone must agree that Windows and Zunes are more character forming than easy to use Apple trash. It’s as despicable as that guy in Austria.

    BTW First Yuro too.

  10. I can’t believe it’s not Eighth!

    I put my DRM’d wmv audio files in to Stuff-it .sit.hqx archives – it’s much easier to store it that way and I don’t unnecessarily waste space.

  11. “Dozens,” yeah. Funny. Good parody, John.

    Ahh, since Balmer is already a parody of himself, I betcha that you can’t do a parody of what he has saying and still make it funny. Challenge here. *S*

  12. Twenty-three skidee!

    Nicely done, Moltz, except for the potty-mouth part.

    If George Lucas can make six “Star Wars” episodes (plus “Clone Wars” cartoons) without using profanity, you can create parodies without f-bombs.

  13. I want photos of “Linda.” I can’t find my many screenshots from all those years ago, and my memory ain’t what it used to be. Honest, it ain’t.

  14. “If George Lucas can make six “Star Wars” episodes (plus “Clone Wars” cartoons) without using profanity, you can create parodies without f-bombs.”

    If George Lucas could make one good movie since the 1980s, I’d be inclined to be in more agreement.

  15. Excellent gratuitous swearing at the end.

    John, you’ve still got it, dude.

    F*ck yeah!

    (Incidentally, I believe the best use of ‘fuckety’ was by a friend who was looking for a piece of climbing gear halfway up something shear-diff-extreme and was heard to observe ‘Where the fuckety fuck is my fucking fucker?’.)

  16. Wow! First sexbots are released, then there’s a new CARS post! What a week!

    Monumental events like these usually happen in threes — what else do you suppose might happen that could complete the “hat trick?!

  17. Speaking of Del, I wonder if she is the cause of the reports of agressive wild turkeys bullying Michigan residents?

  18. Ace,
    I thought Frankie Drake brought all the vicious turkeys back here when he introduced Turkey Christmas Dinners and Twizlers. Forgot to explain you had to kill them first and the funny thing is that the average turkey does not want to be killed.
    Funny birds.

  19. I had a strange feeling, went to the site for the first time in months and WOOOOO! CARS is back. OK so it was five days after the post, so maybe I’m not Maud’ib. Still, keep ’em coming JM!

  20. The reason that so many fine people turn into potty-mouthed simpletons is not due to any narcotic or societal pressure; it is simply due to Windows. Welcome to the end of Microsoft.

  21. Ok. Is Moltz back, or is he just stopping by to pick up the mail?
    And to get whatever spoiled out of the fridge…..

    Nice article too….

  22. I’d like to be one of the first to point out that while I’m not “cool enough” to own a Mac, I do anyway.

    I’d also like to take the opportunity to apologise to all the folks out there who are cool enough for pulling the average down.

  23. well my boy prefers his zune to his “cool” ipod. funny, it turns out he’d rather be able to download all the songs he likes for $14/month, and have wifi and a radio which he uses frequently. He can’t even find his ipod nano it’s been so long since he used it.

  24. Both my children whistle their tunes. They can whistle as many tunes as they want for free. Their whistles disappear when not in use and cannot get lost or stolen. There are no batteries to recharge or replace, but occasionally they have to “wet” their whistles, for which purpose any palatable liquid will suffice.

    While it’s true my kids aren’t “cool enough” to use a Zune or an iPod, it doesn’t really matter since they’ve always been rather odd.

  25. Lol, this isn’t even camo’d very well. This is a complete copy of a Bill Gates interview I read a few weeks ago. The only thing is that the names were changed and the products swapped. Or is that the whole idea of this site?

  26. Вы не правы. Предлагаю это обсудить. Пишите мне в PM, поговорим.

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