19 Mar 09Joz's Children Have No Zunes

Apple vice president of iPod and iPhone Product Marketing Greg “Joz” Joswiak harbors a secret in his home: His children have no Zunes.

Hard as this is to believe in 2009, when Microsoft’s music player is found in dozens of households around the world, Joz’s children are forbidden to own the device made by Apple’s fiercest competitor for music-playing hardware.

In a recent interview with Guitar World Magazine, Joz’s wife, “Linda,” reluctantly told a reporter that, “Zunes are banned from our household.”

Acknowledging the strain this puts on her, “Linda” explained, “Every now and then I look at my friends and say, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if we all went out and bought Zunes and then purchased some music and used Wi-Fi on the Zunes to share the music with each other for a limited period of time?’ My friends press the pause button on the headphone cords for their new tiny iPod shuffles and say, ‘Huh?’ But it still stings.”

Joz’s children, Clarus, Luxo, and OpenDoc, have also never known the joy of firing up Windows Vista, cursing, rebooting, cursing, rebooting again, installing hundred of megabytes of critical updates, rebooting, installing anti-virus updates, rebooting, waiting for a system scan to complete, and then having Internet Explorer 7 improperly render a standards-compliant Web page and crash, and then reinstalling the operating system.

“It’s hard on the kids, because when they go to school – a special school that they use a scramjet to attend and which is carved out of the side of a skull-shaped island – and tell their friends about how they were watching movies on an iPod or playing games on their iPhone or using a Mac to create a movie from video they shot from their manned mission to Mars, the other kids just stare at them in blank comprehension,” “Linda” said. “Of course, all the other children have Apple equipment.”

Joswiak’s children may find iPods and iPhone littering every surface in their home – their fleet of Roombas crunches up a dozen or more a day – but there’s not a single Windows Mobile powered phone to be found.

“Fuck no,” said “Linda.” “Are you fucking insane? Have you fucking used Windows Mobile? With the OK button up in the corner? And the fucking fuckety fuck fucked up interface? Really, I know you’re smoking pot, but are you on crank and ecstacy, too? Fucking moron.”

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