Tomorrow's products today

As you know, we here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site are plugged in to the highest levels of Apple’s executive management.

(You know what’s really crazy? That’s actually true. Or used to be.)

So, needless to say, we know exactly what the company is announcing tomorrow and are here to reveal them now so you don’t even have to bother tuning in on Wednesday or read any Internet reports or wait until Thursday to read about them in the “news”-paper so just *go to bed, old man!*

The all-new iTV – Apple has completely reconceived the Apple TV, making it smaller, iOS-based and 100% more trademark-infringing. Or is that 200%? Well, whatever, it won’t matter because the new device is so jeans-creamingly good that customers and competitors alike will simply choose to gird their loins in plastic rather than give it up (girding your loins in plastic is just good hygienic sense anyway). According to sources, Apple has found a way to provide an almost infinite supply of content for virtually nothing. The company has circumvented the stringent entertainment company licensing restrictions by simply streaming the content from the future when it’s no longer covered under copyright.

“We had to go pretty far into the future,” the CARS source said, “Because Congress and then the American Socialist Party Commissariat and then the Glaxxon Squid Imperium and then the Robot Hive Collective and finally the All-Knowing Unimind keep extending the copyrights. But, about fifteen hours before the sun goes nova, everything is copyright-free!”

Apple will charge a dollar an episode simply to cover timeshifting costs.

The new iPod touch – Will gain not only front and back cameras, but also side cameras that will make it easier to parallel park in tight spaces.

The all-new iPod nano – The nano will go square and gain a touch-sensitive screen that will be able to run App Store apps in a tantalizing mode known as “so small as to be unviewable”. The iPod nano will have 187 cameras on it facing in all directions.

The new iPod shuffle – The current iPod shuffle has proved to be only modestly popular because of the tiny form factor and the complicated click-navigation system. Recognizing this, Apple has decided to flex of its innovative might and eschew form factor entirely. Instead, the iPod shuffle will be sold as a concept. “The new iPod shuffle concept allows users to think about music in ways they never could before,” the source said. “The problem with listening to music is that you are restricted by the artists’ interpretations. But most people are unable to make their own music that doesn’t just suck. The iPod shuffle concept solves this dichotomy.”

With the iPod shuffle concept, users will conceive their own musical paradigms in a Platonic framework provided by Apple that brings order to the formless cacophony of their stunted capability for musical expression. The iPod shuffle concept retains the $59 price tag but requires commitment to an immersion program that lasts 3 months. The battery is not user-serviceable.

That’s it!

So, kind of a slow year.

57 thoughts on “Tomorrow's products today”

  1. Arrrrghh. Not first. And I was so close.

    Damn you all to hell.

    A tad extreme, perhaps, but there you go.

  2. Can you stream movies on the Shuffle, as it is now a concept ?
    And for what cost ?
    And do these music or movies have to exist, to buy them on iTunes store ? Or can we buy a licence to a Yet Inexistent Tune ?

    Six is sexy.

  3. Where is the ‘SexBot touch’ we’ve all been waiting for, hmmm?

    With haptic . . . ‘things’?

  4. Number… um… number… meh, whatever.

    I’m in SF this week working at the Moscone Center, and so close to the YBCA, I can feel the Reality Distortion Field from here. It’s warm and fuzzy and I really don’t want to leave now. Well, actually I do, but that’s just ’cause work is really boring today.
    I tried to gain access, but they’re not letting anyone in with Group-5 access. My Pants tell me, that if I could find a Local 16 IATSE badge, I could forge a Group-6 access.

    We’ll see.

  5. Well, I, for one, welcome our Imperious Glaxxon Squid overlords.

    ANYthing would be better than that damnable Commissariat.

  6. Oh, it’s ‘*gird* your loins’ I thought it was ‘gild’. So, I did that wrong.

  7. I’m sure you were all thinking that Mr. Moltz randomly pulled the number 187 out of the ether, but in fact 187 is the smallest of a group of 3-digit numbers that require 23 reversals to form a palindrome.

    It still seems excessive to me, though, despite being well shy of the infinite number necessary for “facing in all directions.”

  8. You forgot to mention that iTunes is being re-imagined as a dispenser of spiritual enlightenment as well as books, movies, audio and video. You’ll be able to transport your consciousness to another plane of existence, where we don’t have to wait for lesbian ninja sexbots – or pants.

  9. The batteries on the iPod Shuffle Concept may not be user-serviceable, but the battery life is phenomenal!

  10. Well, Sue. You got your camerafied iPod Touch. Now can I have my iPhone brain implant, powered by sugar?

  11. Well, I didn’t get inside for the event, but I was able to stand outside and bask in the warm glow of Steve’s RDF.
    Even my Pants enjoyed it.

    I now have this urge to go buy a Nano that I don’t need, though…
    How long does it take for the RDF to wear off, anyway?

  12. I find it a little disturbing that, although this website has been abandoned for seven consecutive eternities (in Internet time), when Mr. Moltz finally does condescend to post something, there are three dozen comments posted quicker than I can say “First post!”

    Just imagine what humanity could accomplish if all the time and energy that goes into monitoring this website could be turned to some useful purpose, like curing disease or ending hunger.

    I’m not trying to lay a guilt trip on anybody. Oh, no. I’ll leave it to your individual consciences to tell you whether you should be spending your time in some more useful pursuit.

    All I’m saying is, when is it my turn to get First Post? When?

  13. Good point, and well taken. I learned some time back that I was neglecting the hunger problem in my quest for high-ranking posts, so lately I make sure to have a bite to eat before indulging and as a result haven’t been hungry for weeks.

    The “curing disease” issue is a different matter. We eradicated smallpox, and are going after malaria and measles. We’re killing off endangered species as if they were somehow less important than we are. Don’t they also have hopes and dreams? Are they without rights? Who’s going to stand up for the little guys?

  14. One could post “First Post” at any time, it just wouldn’t be true. Not lack of truth ever prevents people from saying stuff. Happens all the time. Try it and see.

    Hail yes!

    Next up: whinging about camera resolution. Film at 11.


  15. I claim first for the next time Moltz comes out of hiding.

    If I’m still alive by then.

    I’m already mid forties.

  16. Sudo,
    Whilst we are acting as Moltzpostguardians, we are curing hunger. If more die of disease, there will be more to eat for the rest, including those who have died.

    Dysentery victim burger anyone?

  17. How does iMoo know Huh’s birthday?

    Are we being surveilled? A word I’ve longed to use for some time.

    As opposed to ‘servile’, which comes up far more frequently.

    Oh, and Happy Birthday also.

  18. Hey ! I’m hungry by now. Could anybody stop to post and resolve that problem, please ?

  19. (By the way, if I’m thinking about eating, do I owe something To Herr Jobs ?)

  20. I was on vacation whilst all this silliness was going on, and don’t feel all that bad for not experiencing it live.

    I was protected from the RDF with some good sunblock, which was not enough to protect me from sunburn, natch.

    I was also fighting hunger of me and the rest of the G clan as we ate and ate and ate. (You get the point.)

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