Tomorrow's products today

As you know, we here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site are plugged in to the highest levels of Apple’s executive management.

(You know what’s really crazy? That’s actually true. Or used to be.)

So, needless to say, we know exactly what the company is announcing tomorrow and are here to reveal them now so you don’t even have to bother tuning in on Wednesday or read any Internet reports or wait until Thursday to read about them in the “news”-paper so just *go to bed, old man!*

The all-new iTV – Apple has completely reconceived the Apple TV, making it smaller, iOS-based and 100% more trademark-infringing. Or is that 200%? Well, whatever, it won’t matter because the new device is so jeans-creamingly good that customers and competitors alike will simply choose to gird their loins in plastic rather than give it up (girding your loins in plastic is just good hygienic sense anyway). According to sources, Apple has found a way to provide an almost infinite supply of content for virtually nothing. The company has circumvented the stringent entertainment company licensing restrictions by simply streaming the content from the future when it’s no longer covered under copyright.

“We had to go pretty far into the future,” the CARS source said, “Because Congress and then the American Socialist Party Commissariat and then the Glaxxon Squid Imperium and then the Robot Hive Collective and finally the All-Knowing Unimind keep extending the copyrights. But, about fifteen hours before the sun goes nova, everything is copyright-free!”

Apple will charge a dollar an episode simply to cover timeshifting costs.

The new iPod touch – Will gain not only front and back cameras, but also side cameras that will make it easier to parallel park in tight spaces.

The all-new iPod nano – The nano will go square and gain a touch-sensitive screen that will be able to run App Store apps in a tantalizing mode known as “so small as to be unviewable”. The iPod nano will have 187 cameras on it facing in all directions.

The new iPod shuffle – The current iPod shuffle has proved to be only modestly popular because of the tiny form factor and the complicated click-navigation system. Recognizing this, Apple has decided to flex of its innovative might and eschew form factor entirely. Instead, the iPod shuffle will be sold as a concept. “The new iPod shuffle concept allows users to think about music in ways they never could before,” the source said. “The problem with listening to music is that you are restricted by the artists’ interpretations. But most people are unable to make their own music that doesn’t just suck. The iPod shuffle concept solves this dichotomy.”

With the iPod shuffle concept, users will conceive their own musical paradigms in a Platonic framework provided by Apple that brings order to the formless cacophony of their stunted capability for musical expression. The iPod shuffle concept retains the $59 price tag but requires commitment to an immersion program that lasts 3 months. The battery is not user-serviceable.

That’s it!

So, kind of a slow year.

Apple TV – The Ultimate Review!

You may have read other reviews of the Apple TV, but thou shalt take no others before the Crazy Apple Rumors Ultimate Apple TV Review!

CARS editor-in-chief John Moltz recently spent some time with the Apple TV and here’s his report!

ATV -475 days: A lot of people complained about how long it took them to get their Apple TV, but I actually ordered mine in 2005. Sure, sure, they said “Sir, we can’t take your money for something we don’t make” but I was very insistent and they finally relented. As a matter of fact, I did the same thing the other day and ordered my Apple Sexbot. I highly suggest using this tactic with Apple as they will take your money for all kinds of weird stuff they don’t make. Yet!

ATV -45 minutes: It’s 3:20 PM on Saturday and I’m lying in my underwear on a pile of lime tortilla chips smeared with salsa and guacamole playing a little game I like to call “Johnny, King of Nachos” and I decide to take a break and check the delivery status on my Apple TV. I see it’s out for delivery and decide it’s time to shower and clean up all the chips.

ATV zero hour: The delivery truck is here! The delivery person looks at me funny as I sign for it and I only realize later it’s because I forgot to take the crown off. I unbox the Apple TV.

ATV +60 minutes: Now, many rookies will make the mistake of immediately plugging it in. DO NOT DO THIS. As with any Apple product or fine wine, you should let it breathe for at least an hour. It’s like that thing you’re supposed to do with MacBook batteries. Drain, charge, drain, charge… charge, charge, charge… drain… uh… charge, charge, drain, drain. Or something.

Anyway, letting your Apple TV breathe for an hour will extend its life by at least a year. Totally. This and repairing permissions are guaranteed take-to-the-bank product maintenance tips.

ATV +61 minutes: Now I’m ready to plug it into my 42-inch Samsung HDTV. I go to the box to find the cables.

What the…?

There are no cables.

Well, this is just bullshit. What, am I just supposed to put the component ports up to my eyes and use it like a View-Master?

Oh, wow! What do you know, that works! Awesome!

ATV +2 hours and 5 minutes: I return from the Apple Store will some cables and hook up the unit to my HDTV. I download an episode of Heroes (you know, it’s a really good show) and fire it up!


Holy shit this looks like crap. I mean, I knew it didn’t do HD-quality but this…

Oh, wait, I never peeled the plastic protector film off my HDTV. Huh. I’ve had it for two years and I never noticed that. OK, here we go.

Mmm, nope. Still looks like crap.

ATV +6 hours and 15 minutes: On a hunch, I lick the Apple TV. It tastes of white chocolate and pure Mexican vanilla. Nice touch Apple!

ATV +10 hours and 4 minutes: Can’t sleep. Can’t eat.

The Apple TV has invaded my brain. My soul.

All is lost. I am its plaything. A lump of unformed clay in its electronic touch. I willingly give myself to it, now downloading anything – Boat Trip with Cuba Gooding Jr. – just to bathe in it’s warm glow.

I am cold. So very cold.


Four out of five stars.