Apple Faces New Suit

Days after being hit with a suit charging it violated customers’ privacy, Apple has been hit with yet another. The company has been charged in the International Criminal Court in the Hague with crimes against humanity.

Prosecutor Luis Moreno Ocampo said “Throughout the mid-2000s Apple did, with malice aforethought, promote the music of John Mayer, inflicting untold pain and suffering on the peoples of the world.”

At a press conference at the Hague, Ocampo presented the testimony of several of Apple’s victims.

“I live in fear every day,” said Marco Catabay of the Philippines, his hands shaking with emotion. “My children, they cannot sleep at night after accidentally hearing ‘Gravity’ on the radio. ‘Gravity wants to bring me down’? Of course it does! That’s what gravity is for! It keeps you from flying off the planet!

“It doesn’t make any sense! Nothing makes any sense anymore!” Catabay broke into tears and had to be led away.

Ocampo then asked 18-year-old Anika Norsen of Finland to read from Mayer’s song “Daughters”.

Norsen spoke haltingly, choking on the words. “Girls… become lovers… who turn into… mothers… so mothers be good… be good to… be…

“I can’t,” Norsen said, her eyes welling up with tears. “I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I know I said I could, but… it’s too much. I can’t go through it again. Not after that time in the mall.”

Putting a comforting hand on Norsen’s shoulder. “Apple has much to answer for to the people of the world for promoting this monster in its press events, on its web site and in its advertising. We will show that the company owes the world restitution. We will bring them to justice.”

Even long time Apple proponents were forced to admit there was no way to defend the company for this.

“I have no explanation,” said Daniel Eran Dilger, throwing up his hands. “Even I’ve got nothing. It was inexcusable. And we all turned a blind eye to it.”

Reached for comment, Apple spokesperson Trudy Muller said “John Mayer is a Grammy Award-winning artist who’s beloved throughout the world for his heartfelt pop tunes. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Hastily shoving clothes into a suitcase, Muller added “By the way, do you have any idea which countries don’t have extradition treaties?”

61 thoughts on “Apple Faces New Suit”

  1. Monsters. But this crime pales in comparison to the amount of Coldplay they have inflicted on Apple Store customers and staff over the years.

    They are heartless.

  2. What’s going on!

    Is the hiatus over?

    Have the brains splashed the cash?

    Does my bum look big in this?

  3. Oooooh, harsh.

    And you’re all the way across the Atlantic so . . . oh lord . . . that’s really a wake-up call.

    Not sure the ‘tummy-tuck’ pants are making it.

  4. iMoo, maybe as per Mrs. Doubtfire, “It was a run-by fruiting!”

    BroMu, I might be able to understand this multitudinous posting if Mr. Moltz were located in the snow-inundated midwestern US, but he’s not. So I have no idea what’s going on. I would contemplate this further, but I am concerned about getting John Meyer lyrics stuck in my head. Harder to get out than gum in your hair…

  5. I never listen to Mr. Mayer, so I am as yet untouched. I”ve never been inside a Chuck E. Cheese either, praise be to the gods.

  6. Huh?,
    Are you trying to suggest that Steve reverse snorts The Hague?

    Be reasonable, it is quite a sizeable town.

  7. Don’t a considerable number of tin-pot mass-murderers with lucrative arms contracts and political contacts ‘snort The Hague’?

    Allegedly.

  8. The me in this reality is on a diet, but the parallel universe me is a monumental glutton. Like the fatty in ‘Se7en’, but without the gothic-noir seediness. And the vomity death, hopefully.

    Let the cake ferry ship.

    Larded with sponginess. And buttercream.

    Mmmmmm.

  9. You know how you get a slice of cake in a goody bag when you leave a party. Or should.

    Is it too much to ask that the Moltzmeister does similar for us after we’ve posted?

    And yes, Steve, *with* the homemade buttercream, clearly.

  10. Do the layers represent the multiple ‘branes of alternate realities?

    And, if so, what is the buttercream?

    I must know!

    Tell me, dammit!

  11. Lovely idea, Sue, but how would you going to talk your way out of *that* if your parents accidentally burst in on you?

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