02 Feb 11Apple Faces New Suit

Days after being hit with a suit charging it violated customers’ privacy, Apple has been hit with yet another. The company has been charged in the International Criminal Court in the Hague with crimes against humanity.

Prosecutor Luis Moreno Ocampo said “Throughout the mid-2000s Apple did, with malice aforethought, promote the music of John Mayer, inflicting untold pain and suffering on the peoples of the world.”

At a press conference at the Hague, Ocampo presented the testimony of several of Apple’s victims.

“I live in fear every day,” said Marco Catabay of the Philippines, his hands shaking with emotion. “My children, they cannot sleep at night after accidentally hearing ‘Gravity’ on the radio. ‘Gravity wants to bring me down’? Of course it does! That’s what gravity is for! It keeps you from flying off the planet!

“It doesn’t make any sense! Nothing makes any sense anymore!” Catabay broke into tears and had to be led away.

Ocampo then asked 18-year-old Anika Norsen of Finland to read from Mayer’s song “Daughters”.

Norsen spoke haltingly, choking on the words. “Girls… become lovers… who turn into… mothers… so mothers be good… be good to… be…

“I can’t,” Norsen said, her eyes welling up with tears. “I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I know I said I could, but… it’s too much. I can’t go through it again. Not after that time in the mall.”

Putting a comforting hand on Norsen’s shoulder. “Apple has much to answer for to the people of the world for promoting this monster in its press events, on its web site and in its advertising. We will show that the company owes the world restitution. We will bring them to justice.”

Even long time Apple proponents were forced to admit there was no way to defend the company for this.

“I have no explanation,” said Daniel Eran Dilger, throwing up his hands. “Even I’ve got nothing. It was inexcusable. And we all turned a blind eye to it.”

Reached for comment, Apple spokesperson Trudy Muller said “John Mayer is a Grammy Award-winning artist who’s beloved throughout the world for his heartfelt pop tunes. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Hastily shoving clothes into a suitcase, Muller added “By the way, do you have any idea which countries don’t have extradition treaties?”

61 Responses to “Apple Faces New Suit”

  1. Neil Torda says:

    first?

  2. voline says:

    Monsters. But this crime pales in comparison to the amount of Coldplay they have inflicted on Apple Store customers and staff over the years.

    They are heartless.

  3. Brother Mugga says:

    What’s going on!

    Is the hiatus over?

    Have the brains splashed the cash?

    Does my bum look big in this?

  4. ChiefZonker says:

    4th – and what about Captain & Tennille??

  5. Sue says:

    John who? And is our John back?

  6. John Moltz says:

    No.

    No.

    Yes.

  7. Brother Mugga says:

    Oooooh, harsh.

    And you’re all the way across the Atlantic so . . . oh lord . . . that’s really a wake-up call.

    Not sure the ‘tummy-tuck’ pants are making it.

  8. [...] lot longer than I have. But what the heck, I like violent mood swings, so I’m happy to welcome John Moltz into the Mayer-hating club. We authors of CA*S sites that don’t update all that often have to [...]

  9. iMoo says:

    “Apple’s victims”

    *Envisioning death by fruit*

  10. b, trying to look empty, says:

    John Moltz = John Mayer ?

    No, please ! Don’t hit me ! Have mercy !

  11. Steve G. says:

    iMoo, maybe as per Mrs. Doubtfire, “It was a run-by fruiting!”

    BroMu, I might be able to understand this multitudinous posting if Mr. Moltz were located in the snow-inundated midwestern US, but he’s not. So I have no idea what’s going on. I would contemplate this further, but I am concerned about getting John Meyer lyrics stuck in my head. Harder to get out than gum in your hair…

  12. Nxxx says:

    Holy, Holy, Holy
    A trinity of posts from the Moltzster

    (You can finish it)

  13. blank says:

    Sorry, can’t. Still disoriented by the horror.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Yes, iMoo… Those grapes are particularly sharp.

  15. Huh? says:

    The previous post belonged to me, not Mr. Anonymous.

    Thank you.

  16. Anonymous says:

    The previous post belonged to Huh?, not me.

    Thank you.

  17. Brother Mugga says:

    The previous post belonged to me, not Huh?

    Thank you.

  18. Ace Deuce says:

    I never listen to Mr. Mayer, so I am as yet untouched. I”ve never been inside a Chuck E. Cheese either, praise be to the gods.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Ace stole my post! He should be tried at the Hague!

  20. Sue says:

    You leave Ace alone. He’s my CANS buddy.

  21. Brother Mugga says:

    I wish *I* had a ‘cans’ buddy.

    My wife’s banned me from trying to access hers.

  22. Thorium Osmium says:

    What was that song that kept on blowing up the killer tomatoes?

  23. Steve G. says:

    BroMu,

    Thanks for the laugh. Almost shot the coffee out my nose; that would have hurt.

  24. Huh? says:

    No, really… Try the Hague… It’s quite tasty!

  25. Nxxx says:

    Huh?,
    Are you trying to suggest that Steve reverse snorts The Hague?

    Be reasonable, it is quite a sizeable town.

  26. Brother Mugga says:

    Don’t a considerable number of tin-pot mass-murderers with lucrative arms contracts and political contacts ‘snort The Hague’?

    Allegedly.

  27. Steve G. says:

    Or:
    “snort at The Hague”?
    “I snort in The Hague’s general direction”?

  28. Huh? says:

    Ok, maybe not the whole Hague. Could we consider a half Hague? Or maybe a quarter Hague?

  29. iMoo says:

    We are now posting from the parallel universe… It is Feb 4 @ 1:38 EST. Check the times on the posts.

  30. Steve G. says:

    iMoo, I think the clock is in GMT, while I (and possibly you) am in the EST. That might explain the difference, but around here, who knows.

  31. iMoo says:

    *pouting*
    I like my reason better. Plus, I have cake. :-)

  32. Steve G. says:

    I defer to the cake.

  33. Sue says:

    I want cake too! Please?

  34. Brother Mugga says:

    Is it ‘cake’, as in ‘Brass Eye’ cake?

    If so, sign me up for F.U.K.D and B.O.M.B.D.

  35. Huh? says:

    Deference to the cake is almost mandatory in her case.
    It’s pretty much always that darn good.

  36. Huh? says:

    Oh, and as most cake is usually a lie…
    iMoo’s aren’t.

  37. Ace Deuce says:

    Let me have the cake, for Pete’s sake!

  38. Nxxx says:

    Cake?

    You swines!

    I’m on a diet.

  39. Brother Mugga says:

    The me in this reality is on a diet, but the parallel universe me is a monumental glutton. Like the fatty in ‘Se7en’, but without the gothic-noir seediness. And the vomity death, hopefully.

    Let the cake ferry ship.

    Larded with sponginess. And buttercream.

    Mmmmmm.

  40. Steve G. says:

    Ace, I don’t think For Pete’s Sake (not too far from my house) has cake. But the rest of the menu is good.

    BroMu, make sure it’s homemade buttercream with extra butter.

  41. Sue says:

    Yummmmmm………..…

  42. Huh? says:

    Red Robin??

  43. Brother Mugga says:

    You know how you get a slice of cake in a goody bag when you leave a party. Or should.

    Is it too much to ask that the Moltzmeister does similar for us after we’ve posted?

    And yes, Steve, *with* the homemade buttercream, clearly.

  44. Zo says:

    Gee, this is almost like the CARS of old. When I used to laugh.

  45. Nxxx says:

    Stop raising your hopes.

  46. iMoo says:

    Cake is ready. All 4 chocolaty layers and *extra butter* buttercream.

  47. Brother Mugga says:

    Do the layers represent the multiple ‘branes of alternate realities?

    And, if so, what is the buttercream?

    I must know!

    Tell me, dammit!

  48. Sue says:

    Can I have whipped cream on mine? The cake, you DOM.

  49. Brother Mugga says:

    Lovely idea, Sue, but how would you going to talk your way out of *that* if your parents accidentally burst in on you?

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