Author: CARS Staff

Reports surfaced today indicating that Apple was set to bid for a portion of the wireless spectrum, opening up vast possibilities for the company in the cell phone and entertainment fields.

But Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that while Apple is mildly interested in the wireless spectrum, it also has its eyes set on a bigger prize.

According to sources in the field of quantum mechanics who declined to be identified out of fear of reprisals that could affect their very existence, Apple is planning to bid on a vast portion of reality. No longer content with simply distorting reality, Apple CEO Steve Jobs will lease it from the Throngdarian Serium, the extra-dimensional pulsating brains in a vat of fluid that manage realities.

Apple senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said “This means that instead of temporarily distorting reality by using the device he, uh, appropriated from Woz years ago, Steve will be able to change it completely. Instead of customers thinking iPod socks or the Dalmatian iMac are cute for just the 15 minutes that it takes to complete the purchase, they will actually be cute from the dawn of time to the end of the universe.

“But don’t worry. We totally won’t use this power for evil. Well, unless you consider our continued accumulation of personal wealth and increasing power and unchecked influence to be evil. And, uh, if you do… well… too bad.”

It’s unknown exactly why the Throngdarian Serium are interested in leasing portions of reality for material currency, but it’s thought that they just think it’s funny.

“They particularly like the little pictures of the presidents,” a source said. “And, of course, that creepy pyramid and eye thingy.”

If Apple is successful in its bid, it will need to install several Tesla devices that shoot electricity from giant glowing orbs. Sources indicate this is what Apple is constructing in preparation on its new Cupertino campus.

That and a duck pond. Because Jobs likes ducks.

Jeff Hawkins, co-founder and former head of Palm, revealed today that he is the love child of Marcel Duchamp, the late Dadaist and Surrealist. As startling as this news was to the technology industry, it did serve to explain the Foleo, which was canceled by Palm today.

Attempting to show the futility of modern electronics, Hawkins provided Palm with the Foleo, an obvious ready-made fabrication that any reasonable person would have immediately detected was a piece of performance art.

“Reporters kept asking me questions about it,” Hawkins said, “But they never penetrated beyond the mere futility of the device into the deeper artistic meaning.”

Hawkins’ father was one of the most prominent members of a loosely knit federation of Dada artists. And like his father, Hawkins said, no one understands his work either.

“How could you people not get this?” Hawkins asked. “I mean, look at that thing. It doesn’t make any sense. A laptop that’s a slave to a cell phone? It’s absurd.

“Absurd… ist.”

Despite the bad news for Palm, current CEO Ed Colligan applauded Hawkin’s oeuvre.

“Bravo, Jeff,” Colligan said, rising from his Aeron chair and clapping. “Bra. Vo.”

This could prove problematic for Apple, however, as sources indicated that the entirety of tomorrow’s special event announcements were not going to be iPod-related but instead centered around the Foleo.

“What the hell?!” said an exasperated Stan Ng. “I mean, clearly the Foleo’s smart-phone-centric approach makes the most sense! That’s why we based our entire iPhone and iPod strategy around it.

“Well, we were going to, anyway. Now I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do.”

Ng sighed and rubbed his eyes.

“Well, looks like I’m pulling another nighter.”

Palm will take a $10 million earnings write-down and Apple will somehow manage to pull something boss together by 10:00 AM PST tomorrow morning that will redefine one industry or another.

“It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve had to do this,” Ng said.