Author: CARS Staff

Suspects Wanted In Apple Store Break-In.

Seattle police have two suspects in their sights for the break-in Wednesday morning at an Apple Store in Seattle at the company’s University Village branch: Rob Enderle and George Ou.

The soi-disant analyst and security expert were spotted on University Way North – known as “The Ave” – just a couple miles from the mall, near the usual assortment of street kids and homeless people, hawking Apple laptops out of a canvas bag.

“Five dollah, five dollah, five dollah,” Ou was heard to call.

When police approached the pair, they stuffed the computers back in the bag, and ran off surprisingly fast, eluding arrest. “We know what they look like,” Seattle Police spokesperson Marcia Graystone said. “For some inexplicable reason, their pictures are already all over the Web. Apple has also agreed to loan us several black helicopters with white Apple logos to continue the search.”

While the motivation for the theft are unclear, Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber said that he suspected Ou and Enderle were trying to create a lower-priced secondary market for Macs to drag Apple’s stock down.

“They might also have been aiming for iPhones, but didn’t recognize the boxes, having never seen or touched an iPhone, much like fairy hunters never having seen a fairy,” Gruber said.

“Also, they are both enormous dicks, and anything they do must be seen in that light.”

Matt Deatherage of MDJ, a frequently published analytical journal, added that Ou and Enderle might have been trying to suggest that Apple products were insecure, and had become confused about the difference between system security and physical security of an Apple Store.

“They’re so totally uninformed about the Mac and iPhone platforms that this kind of mistake was inevitable,” Deatherage noted.

Seattle Police expect that Ou and Enderle will next hit the What The Fuck Mac Store located near the site of their attempted computer resale.

Apple stock was up $1.23 on the news and the company said all laptop owners whose computers were stolen by Ou and Enderle will receive either a free pony or an evil goat – their choice.

Apple Delivers iPhone Update 1.0.2.

[Please note that this post is late because the site was down last night due to robot attack. As you would expect, we will use this as an excuse to get out of posting for a day. While this may seem lame, we do actually have to clean up all the robot parts and reload.]

Apple has released the latest iPhone update which comes with scant information about what it supposedly fixes or enhances.

As the update has been installed and put into use, it has become apparent that at least one of its purposes is to put an end to iPhone hacking.

Twitterrific creator Craig Hockenberry – attempting to create a mobile version of the application for the iPhone – was the first to notice some strange behavior.

“I had just finished installing my latest build of mobile Twitterrific,” Hockenberry said, “and I heard this high-pitched shrieking. “Noooooo! It buuuuurns!’ Scared the holy fucking shit out of me.”

According to several sources, the iPhone 1.0.2 update has added a series of “alerts” that are triggered whenever offending software (read: non-Apple software) is installed on an iPhone, a practice Apple warned against.

“The iPhone is an enduring work of beauty,” said Apple senior vice president of software engineering Bertrand Serlet. “Such as a symphony or a Renoir. It shouldn’t be crapped up with your little knick-knacky tacky dime-store amateur hour doohickies. Only we are capable of making software fine enough for the iPhone.

“But, uh, we value our developers! Just not on the iPhone.”

Hockenberry said that despite the screaming from both his iPhone and Apple, he intended to forge ahead.

“You get used to it after a while,” he shrugged.

[Please also note that this piece originally had Mr. Hockenberry saying “bejeezus” instead of “holy fucking shit” but was changed after he suggested we review our notes again. The management regrets but does not admit to the error.]

Link From Enderle Reveals Much.

Rob Enderle has unleashed the latest drippings from his brain pan today, taking Apple to task for releasing an iMac update not worthy of its abilities and Mac blogs for their treatment of the “Sticker Guy” controversy.

Unwittingly, however, Enderle tipped his hand in linking to Crazy Apple Rumors Site’s coverage of “Sticker Guy”.

As a highly respected source on all things Apple – as evidenced by his constant use as a quote machine by lazy journalists – CARS staff expected that Enderle’s writing must be widely read. However, a review of our referrer logs shows a grand total of eleven (11) click-throughs (actual true fact). Given the fact that at least five (5) of those click-throughs were conducted by CARS staff members and friends, this leads to the startling conclusion that Enderle’s writing just doesn’t generate any traffic unless he nonsensically bashes Apple.

According to sources, however, this fits a consistent pattern throughout Enderle’s life.

“Rob’s constantly been seeking attention,” said a long-time friend who asked only to be referred to as “Ricky”.

“It’s a desperate cry for help.”

According to Ricky, Enderle was the middle child of 16 (Ricky was unclear how one is exactly the middle of an even number), born to poor, itinerant Baptist sharecropper Mormon Jewish lesbians in southern Nebraska during the Great Depression.

“Middle children are constantly trying to stand out,” Ricky said. “Rob did so by making things up. First it was imaginary friends, then it was magical fairy ponies that visited in the night and pooped under his bed.

“But everyone knew who was really pooping under his bed.”

According to Ricky, it was Rob’s older brother, Hubert, who was quite the practical joker and well-liked by everyone, unlike Rob.

Ricky went on to ask that Mac users not under any circumstances click through any links to Enderle’s writing or interviews.

“Don’t encourage him,” Ricky pleaded. “He’s a sick, sick man.

“Very sick. Really, really, really sick. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.”

Ricky then shook his head sadly at how sick Rob Enderle is.

Apple Working On New Ads.

In response to allegations that “black people don’t use Macs”, sources say Apple is working on a new series of blacksploitation “I’m a Mac ads.”

Information is sketchy right now, but one script is written for Carl Weathers to star as the Mac and Craig T. Nelson as the PC. In the ad, the Mac totally fucks up the PC.

“Think about it,” a source said. “What’s more like ‘the man’ than the PC? Nothing. Well, other than the man himself.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, but Weathers said he’s available and interested. Quentin Tarantino is currently rumored to be attached to the project.