Jobs Getting His Jargon On.

Another odd moment from Tuesday’s unveiling that several sites noticed was Steve Jobs’ use of the term “Web 2.0”. Many expressed surprise that Jobs would stoop to using such cheap industry jargon, but sources say the mercurial Apple CEO has been doing this with increasing regularity.

“I’m not sure but I think someone might have left a copy of Business 2.0 in his office or something,” said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “I walked by there the other day and I heard him say ‘That paradigm is a total meme.’ That doesn’t even make any sense.

“At least I don’t think it does.”

Oddly, Schiller said, Jobs wasn’t on the phone and had no one in his office.

“I think he was just trying it out. There might even have been a mirror on his desk.”

Chief operating officer Tim Cook said he heard Jobs say “We’re gonna mashup that SOA and deploy it throughout the enterprise on a go-forward basis.”

“The weird thing is,” Cook said, “He was talking to some squirrels on the campus.

“But Steve works in mysterious ways,” Cook noted, nodding sagely.

“Plus, I think some of those squirrels are venture capitalists. And venture capitalists eat that shit up with a spoon.”

Jobs declined to comment for this story, but did send over some business plans that consisted of spreadsheets, graphs about market penetration and a bunch of completely incomprehensible gibberish.

Interloper Mars Apple Event.

Yesterday, CEO Steve Jobs introduced several ground-breaking new Mac products, including iMacs, iLife and iWork. The event was seamless except for one incident that stood out to many observers.

During the question and answer period, one member of the crowd asked why Apple doesn’t put “Intel Inside” stickers on its Macs.

Many have wondered who could ask such a mind-numbingly stupid question, but the answer is obvious. There is only one analyst who could be so brazenly moronic as to wonder aloud why Apple doesn’t crap up their gorgeous computers with tacky ads for fricking component manufacturers.

And that analyst is Rob Enderle.

“We’re not sure how he got in here,” said chief operating officer Tim Cook. “He certainly wasn’t invited, but I understand Enderle has a habit of wandering into a lot of events by accident. Kind of like Forrest Gump.”

Apple sources say that after Enderle was escorted from the building, he left behind a sheet of construction paper on which he had scrawled several other questions in crayon.

  • A follow-up question – if you don’t participate in “Intel Inside”, just what sort of cheezy third-party marketing do you do?
  • These so-called “Macs” you speak of… what version of Windows do they run?
  • If I set up a Mac in a corporate environment, how long would it be before it took down the whole network?
  • When are you switching to Windows?
  • I noticed you don’t take a big dump on your computers before you ship them, either. Why is that?
  • I’m sorry, I missed everything after “Satisfaction” stopped playing. Can you start over?
  • I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?
  • You know what’s a really cool color for computers? Beige. You should totally look into that.
  • Has anyone seen my juice box?
  • Does this look infected?

Apple apologized to everyone for the trouble and said Enderle would be driven out to the country and released on a farm somewhere where, they said, “he’d be happier because he could chase the chickens”.

New iMacs Have Interesting Feature.

Apple announced new iMacs today that feature a remarkable new design. As other sites have reported, the iMacs feature all-new aluminum enclosures, slim keyboards and can be configured with up to a terabyte of storage.

But what you may not have read on other sites is that not only are the new iMacs startlingly thin, they are actually two-dimensional.

The reason Apple neglected to emphasize this in its presentation may have something to do with a small warning at the bottom of the new iMac’s web page: “The effect of seeing the iMac disappear as you move around it can be quite startling. Users should be warned that it may frighten horses or induce labor in pregnant women.”

Another negative consequence of this amazing design is that putting a disk into the SuperDrive can be quite a challenge.

“The drive slot actually exists in N space,” said Macworld managing editor Jason Snell. “So, you have to wiggle the disk just right to bend space ever so slightly so it will load.

“Don’t get your hand in there, though. You’ll get sucked down to two dimensions and shot into N space. That’ll leave a mark. Unless you’re some kind of, I dunno, energy being or something.”

As an interesting side note to the new iMac’s specifications, the new Mac mini apparently does not occupy any physical space in our dimension at all, as CEO Steve Jobs decided it just wasn’t worth mentioning.

Agenda For Tomorrow's Presentation.

After the first seven months of the year were focused on the iPhone, excited Mac fans welcomed the news that tomorrow’s announcements by Apple would return the focus to their beloved platform.

Sadly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has received an agenda for tomorrow’s presentation and the Mac? Not so much.

  1. Introduction. Discuss the highly successful iPhone launch.
  2. Bring out the iPhone and demo the Multitouch interface.
  3. Conduct a demo call with Phil Schiller, who’s in a straight jacket hanging from his ankles over a drunken and sexually aroused Barbara Walters.
  4. Conference in Jony Ive who tearfully reveals he’s a snackaholic.
  5. Discuss the relationship with AT&T and allow Stan Sigman… all… the time… he… wants.
  6. Bring out the iPhone again and demand that everyone present pay homage to it.
  7. Show everyone the iPhone interface again to demonstrate the iPhone’s complete dominion over them.
  8. Lead everyone in 15 minutes of cheering “iPhone! Yay, iPhone!”
  9. Conclude by releasing the hounds and having them chase the heathens from the temple.

Furthermore, according to sources, Apple will not only be discontinuing the Mac, but will be sending representatives to the home of each Mac user to deliver a kick to the groin.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
________________

Q: [skkzzzt]

A: Uh… hello?

Q: Hello?

A: John?

Q: Chet?

A: Holy crap, where the hell are you?

Q: Uh… let’s see… somewhere in upstate New York…

A: Well, come back!

Q: I can’t. We haven’t found the Entity yet.

A: Well, you’d better hurry because the robots are coming!

Q: What? You mean right now?

A: Well, that’s what Scary Gus was mumbling down at the Gas-N-Sip.

Q: Ooh. And Gus is never wrong.

A: No, sir, he is not.

Q: Well, we’ve been following some good leads and we’re moving toward the Waffle Triangle.

A: Ah, of course! The Cyber Apocalypse equivalent of the Sunni Triangle! That space marked out by Scranton, Penn., South Bend, Ind. and New Port Ritchie, Florida where waffles are most prevalent and where the robot hordes will first strike their bitterest enemy – the waffle!

Q: Um, no. It’s a diner. In North Carolina.

A: Oh.

Q: I like your answer, though. If Crabb were here I’d ask him if there was something to that.

A: He’s not with you anymore?

Q: No, we dropped him off at Graceland. Something about setting up a new iMac for Elvis. Apparently – and this should really come as no surprise – but apparently everyone in the afterlife uses Macs.

A: Well, sure. If you’re good.

Q: Right. Windows in hell. Linux in purgatory.

A: So, what, you drop Crabb off and now you’re just wandering around blind again?

Q: No, no, no. We’ve got some new spirit guides.

A: Oh? Who?

Q: Well, there’s Mac the Knife and Sluggo from the Power Computing ad.

A: Huh.

Q: Yeah. Well, we ran out of mescaline so we had to switch to a combination of morphine, shots of tequila and hitting each other on the head with old Inside Macintosh books.

A: It occurs to me that this whole thing could be sending the wrong message to America’s youth.

Q: Oh, no, it’s totally cool. Sluggo’s driving and he’s not having anything.

A:

Q: What?

A: Are you coming back soon?

Q: Well, if this lead on the Waffle Triangle pans out, we just need to drop Mac the Knife off on Fire Island and then Sluggo needs to go to Austin. So… a few weeks?

A: Couldn’t you just stop doing the drugs and they’d disappear?

Q: Wow. You just don’t know much about how to treat a spirit guide, do you.

A: You need to come back! The killer robots got to MacOSRumors! It’s gone! We heard that a couple of them pulled Ryan Meader apart like fresh bread!

Q: Gotta go! There’s a Waffle House up ahead! Better check it out.

A: Wait! Where did you leave the shotgun shells?! MOLTZ!!!