Author: CARS Staff

Everybody Totally Wrong About New iMacs.

Many irresponsible sources have been spreading a lot of erroneous information about the iMacs to be announced next Tuesday and Crazy Apple Rumors Site would like to set the record straight.

For starters, contrary to popular belief, they will not be aluminum and they will not feature thin, laptop-style keyboards. Clearly people referencing these specs have simply been having feverish dreams after using their MacBook Pros.

Some have stated as fact that these iMacs will feature Apple’s patented pudding over IP technology. This is false. It’s absurd. Preposterous. Everyone knows pudding over IP will appear first in the new Mac Pros that will be announced at Macworld.

Furthermore, several sites have reported that the 2007 iMacs will be hand-crafted by Nepalese virgins from the finest sandalwood. Wrong. That’s the iPhone rev. 2.

Finally, there’s absolutely no truth to the rumors that when Steve Jobs unveils them, the new iMacs will be covered in a protoplasmic ooze that is a by-product of the process by which new Apple products are born from his body.

They’re totally going to clean that stuff off before Tuesday’s event.

C’mon.

Like they’d leave Steve goop all over them.

As if.

Another iPhone Battery Lawsuit Filed.

While the iPhone’s battery is likely to last long enough that few will ever find need to replace it, a third-party vendor has filled the small gap in Apple’s product offering by announcing an iPhone battery replacement kit. While most iPhone owners welcomed the move, at least one was not so pleased.

According to sources, the kit’s Hong Kong manufacturer, Brando, was immediately sued by Jose Trujillo, the instigator of a class-action lawsuit over the iPhone’s non-user-replaceable battery.

“Brando has recklessly and irreparably damaged my client’s case against Apple,” said Trujillo’s attorney, Laura Kremer.

“We can’t very well walk into a court of law and ask for millions in compensation for the pain and suffering caused by Apple’s non-user-replaceable iPhone battery when the defense can have our case immediately thrown out by just holding up one of Brando’s reasonably priced iPhone battery replacement kits.

“I mean, duh.”

To that end, Trujillo is seeking an injunction on the sale of Brando’s kit as well as $75 million in damages.

“While we don’t know exactly how much we would have won from Apple,” Kremer said, “We picked $75 million because it just felt right.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, citing its long-standing policy of not commenting on lawsuits filed by jackasses.

Study Shows Mac Market Share Soaring.

Several recent studies have shown that Mac market share is creeping up, but a study released today shows that it has reached record levels.

According to several Mac users who got together and published a paper in the prestigious publication Mac Scientific Papers Magazine, the anecdotal evidence is overwhelming: more people than ever “can has Macs”.

“My anecdotal evidence clearly shows Mac market share is way higher than previously thought,” said paper co-author Josh Raney. “I just keep running into switchers.”

Just this morning, according to Raney, he met yet another “dude” who’s switching to the Mac.

Co-author Jeremy Dingess said “Everyone I know and hang out with uses Macs, so my anecdotal results show its market share to be 100%. Of course, some of that is just selection, so I’m willing to accept that in the real world, the results are somewhat different.”

Accordingly, Dingess and Raney estimated the Mac’s market share to be somewhere around 75%.

“I mean, it’s totally scientifically valid but, also, it just felt right, you know?”

In other statistical news, an experiment conducted today revealed that roughly 3% of Apple’s stock is owned by frightened little bunnies that sell and buy based on noises they hear coming from the tall, tall grass near farmer MacGregor’s vegetable garden.

Pictures of New iMac Keyboard Leaked.

The Mac community was abuzz over the weekend as pictures of the new iMac keyboard were leaked.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has received its own copies of these tantalizing pictures that represent a bold new direction for Apple design. Please forgive the poor quality of these images. Many Bothans died to bring us this information (not a lot of people know but Bothans are notoriously loose-lipped Mac users).

As has been widely rumored, the new keyboard is ultra-thin. Some would say even paper thin.

Actually, some would say that it is, actually, paper. Indeed, while other sites are saying the new iMacs will feature aluminum enclosures, CARS has learned from reliable sources that they will be paper-based.

While this poses certain problems with conductivity and the potential for fire, Apple sources informed CARS that this was “special” paper that conducts electricity and is non-flammable.

It’s also, they insisted, really cool.

Apple Delivers Quarterly Results.

In a conference call with analysts today, Apple announced results from another banner quarter in which it shipped a record number of Macs as well as posting strong sales for the iPod and the newly launched iPhone.

CFO Peter Oppenheimer and COO Tim Cook also discussed the following on the call.

  • The Apple Tablet is coming along nicely and its flash-based memory is… oh, crap, are we on now?!
  • The company sold 270,000 iPhones in the second quarter, 4 of which AT&T was able to activate.
  • The conference call was punctuated by the sound of squealing Apple executives throwing wads of cash at each other.
  • Analysts complained about a droning noise on the line, but Oppenheimer explained that it was just the sound of Stan Sigman still delivering his Macworld speech.
  • Asked repeatedly to explain the relationship between Apple’s after-tax price/earnings ratio and its cash and cash equivalents balance and how accounting changes in regards to how subscription revenue would be recognized in subsequent quarters would affect the company’s EBITDA (earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization), Oppenheimer had to admit he had no idea what the fuck analysts were talking about.
  • The company sold 9.8 million iPods but did admit that 7 million of those were sold to 28 individuals who have iPod addiction problems.
  • Toward the end of the call, Cook informed everyone that Clarus the dogcow had been hit by a car late last week and had to be put down.

After the call, Apple declined to comment.