Author: CARS Staff

Jobs Announces iPhone Pro.

In a surprise move today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced the release of the iPhone Pro which will be available immediately. The iPhone Pro has an expanded feature set that redefines the product line.

“We were really excited about the original iPhone, Jobs said. “It was a ground-breaking product.

“But that’s over. Today we’re pleased to introduce the iPhone Pro which offers a clear advantage over the iPhone. You’re going to want to shove those things in the back of the drawer and head down to the Apple Store to pick up one of these bad boys.”

According to Apple sources, the iPhone Pro:

  • Features 80 GB of storage space and a full-featured Mail application with spam filtering and the ability to copy/paste between applications.
  • Comes with an iPhone SDK and allows users to install third-party applications.
  • Is unlocked and can be used with any cellular provider.
  • Will be introduced at the 8 GB iPhone’s $600 price point with the price of the 8 GB model being dropped to $300 and the 4 GB model being discontinued.

Reaction in the Apple community was enthusiastic.

“What the hell?!” exclaimed an excited John Gruber of Daring Fireball. “I just bought one of those things on Friday! They can’t do that! Can they do that?

“What the hell?!”

Equally ebullient was Bynkii.com‘s John C. Welch.

“That’s just a bunch of crap! A bunch of fricking crap!” Welch cheered.

“I’ll kill Steve Jobs! I’ll kill him!

“Right after I get my iPhone Pro. I’ve gotta go line up.”

Jobs Declares Independence From His Pants.

Flush from a record-breaking launch of the iPhone, Apple CEO Steve Jobs kicked off his personal Fourth of July celebration by declaring his independence from his pants.

At an impromptu company event on the Apple campus, Jobs, wearing nothing but his trademark black shirt and a pair of tight briefs, said he would no longer submit to the tyranny of social convention for trousers.

“For too long have I allowed myself to be slave to the yoke of those restricting britches,” Jobs said, as the gathered Apple employees attempted to avert their eyes.

“No longer!” he declared. “The highly successful iPhone launch has allowed me to see clearly that I have certain inalienable rights: those of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

“All without pants.”

Jobs noted that, despite their hard work, this did not go for his employees.

“If you go out and start a company and launch three market and life-changing products then maybe you can run around without pants, too. Until then…”

Senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller seemed to be at a loss for words.

“He, uh…” Schiller said. “Well, you see, Steve marches to… the beat of…

“Yeah, I’ve got nothing.”

iPhone Launch Marred By Unfortunate Incident.

While the Friday launch of the iPhone went seemingly spectacularly, at least one disturbing incident marred Apple’s new mobile device’s day in the sun.

At the Stockton Street Apple Store, while patrons were milling about and enjoying the iPhone and the atmosphere, a distraught and clearly drunk interloper came onto the scene.

The Newton MessagePad 2100, the last Apple product in the handheld category, entered the store shortly after 8:00 PM and began shouting at patrons.

“Hey!” the Newton said. “What’s everybody doin’, huh?! You all buying something? Oooh, the big iPhone rollout!”

Approaching the iPhone, the Newton at first feigned friendliness.

“Oh, hey, buddy! Congratulations! Hey, I remember my launch so, you know, if you want to hang – heh-heh – and maybe get a beer, I can give you some pointers.”

Clearly uncomfortable, the iPhone said “Uh, well, I’ve kind of got a lot of events to go to. You understand.”

“Ooh, yeah!” the Newton said. “I totally get it. Mr. Big Shot doesn’t have time!”

As the iPhone attempted to explain itself, the Newton began to turn away but then whirled around, swinging wildly at CEO Steve Jobs’ most recent pet project. It missed and landed flat on its back.

Lying on the Apple Store floor and floundering in a drunken haze of misery, the Newton then yelled at the iPhone “Oh, what, do you think you’re better than me?! Huh?! Do you?!”

Somewhat embarrassed by the whole incident, the iPhone said “Well, uh, I do now…”

The iPhone was then hustled on to its next interview. The Newton lay on the floor until Adam Tow arrived and took it home.

Apple declined to comment about the incident, but did set up several orange cones around the spot where the Newton had laid until it could be mopped up.

Jobs Gives Freebie to Employees.

CEO Steve Jobs told employees in an all-hands meeting today that by the end of July they would be getting a highly coveted prize.

According to sources at the meeting, Jobs said that employees could choose to receive either a free iPhone, coveted by gadget geeks and consumers, or a free pony, universally coveted by little girls. Keeping with his maniacal attention to detail, Jobs said he would be asking each employee in a one-on-one, Mexican rules meeting which one they preferred.

“Make no mistake,” Jobs said from a perch 100 feet above the employees, “The iPhone is revolutionary in a way that I’ve only said once or twice before. Maybe three times. Four, max. You will all want one.

“However,” he continued, swooping down on a prototype Apple anti-gravity pad to hover mid-air above a startled mid-level accounts manager, “You may also ask for a pony.”

Jobs said that employees would be expected to bring the pony into work each day, provide it with fresh hay and bedding, groom it, and sing to it. And the pony could not interfere with work or chores.

“If you choose an iPhone, you will have access to the greatest handheld Internet browsing technology ever developed, the best iPod ever, and a crappy-ass phone with a mediocre voice network behind it,” Jobs said, looking deep into the souls of several employees.

“But you could also have… a pony. And ponies have their own… pedestrian… charms. I suppose.”

An informal survey after the event revealed that 73 percent of employees would prefer the iPhone, for reasons that include cubicles too small to contain a pony and their Aeron chair, the smell, or that they are not 13-year-old girls. 22 percent of employees said they were just freaked out by Jobs flying around and looking into their souls and wanted to get out of there as fast as they could and didn’t even hear what he said. The last 1 percent said they’ll take the pony, but insisted it would only be for their kids.

iPhone Myth or iPhone Fact?

Our iPhone coverage continues as Crazy Apple Rumors Site runs down some of the loose rumors floating around out there about a little phone we like to call…

…the iPhone.

Because that’s its name.

Since all that trademark unpleasantness got settled.

————

MYTH OR FACT? – On Friday, Apple Stores and AT&T stores will close at 4:30 and then re-open at 6:00 for the launch.

FACT. This is to allow them time to cover all other items in the stores with plastic to protect them from the impending nerdgasm.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone is not made of metal or glass but of various meats.

MYTH. This is a common misconception but it’s actually Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer who is made of meat.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone is neither animal, vegetable or mineral. It is an entirely new form of entity which alchemists are calling “Gwanghoodoodle”.

FACT. That’s fairly self-explanatory.

MYTH OR FACT? – The battery supports up to 8 hours of talk time.

FACT. But it’s kind of academic as you don’t have anyone who can stand to talk to you that long.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone includes alien technology that will allow Apple to issue downloadable hardware updates, for example later changing the 3.5-inch display to 4.0 inches.

MYTH. This is preposterous. Everyone knows that iPhone hardware updates will be carried out by little elves that will sneak into your pants pocket with little screwdrivers.

Be careful sitting down!

MYTH OR FACT? – Male iPhone owners will experience longer, harder erections.

FACT. Actually many of them already are, days before its release.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone will fix dysfunctional relationships, heal your emotional pain and otherwise cure your pathetic, sorry life.

FACT.

It’s right there in the technical specifications.

I don’t have the link.

It’s somewhere down at the bottom.