Author: CARS Staff

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

It’s tax time, and Crazy Apple Rumors Site is here to help!

Q: I’m trying to do my taxes and I’m having a little trouble with MacInTax.

A: I think you mean TurboTax.

Q: Uh, well, no. I mean, I am doing it on a Mac.

A: Yeah, but they changed the name a couple of years ago so the Windows version and the Mac version would have the same name. Which is TurboTax.

Q: I hear what you’re saying, Alan Greenspan, but I’m looking at the box and it clearly says MacInTax 1996.

A: You’re… trying to use a ten year old application to file your tax return? That’s not going to work.

Q: Uh, hello?! I said I was having trouble!

Q: I run my own Mac web site as a small business. Can I take a deduction for the depreciation on the several Macs I own and use solely for this business from the revenue generated from advertising and other sources?

A: Absolutely. I do this all the time and I haven’t been caught yet.

Q: Great! OK, now I have another question. How do I generate revenue from advertising and other sources? Because I’ve been at it for about three years and I’m tellin’ ya…

A: Hell if I know. If we didn’t have a well-heeled alien bankrolling us we would have been out on the street in January of 2002. Maybe you should go ask Princess Gruber.

Q: Oh, everyone knows how he makes his money.

A: How’s that?

Q: I shouldn’t say…

A: Oh, c’mon.

Q: Well… ob-may onnections-cay.

A: Ahhh…

Q: You know, as much as I hate tax time, I gotta think that it’s just a nightmare for Steve Jobs. I mean, trying to figure out how much tax he owes on $1…

A: Well, you know, Steve does make an awful lot of money with the stock he gets.

Q: Oh, that’s so not true. Steve just does it because he couldn’t possibly do anything else. Also, they pay him in chickens.

A: Hmm. I don’t know where you heard that but I think it’s wrong. My understanding from very highly placed sources is what he gets out of the job is one thing and one thing only: pure chewing satisfaction.

Q: That’s fine but one can’t forget that he does also receive 14 vestal virgins at the end of each fiscal year.

A: Yeah, but he just tags and releases them. What I can’t believe is the jellies.

Q: Jellies?

A: Yes! 10,000 elderly residents of upstate Wisconsin slave all year long to jar a vast assortment of jellies for Steve and what does he do with them?

Q: Stand on an overpass and toss them on the interstate to watch them go smashy-smashy?

A: Yes!

Q: Hmm. I wonder what box you put that in on your 1040?

A: “Other Income”?

Leo Laporte Laps Himself.

With the proliferation of podcasting, TWiT‘s Leo Laporte, who appears on a dozen of his own podcasts and is a regular guest on many produced by others as well as network television talk shows. Laporte is apparently so prolific that he was on a recent edition of his own Gearâ—ŠMediaâ—ŠTech twice.

While introducing a new RAID device, Laporte said “And here to tell us more about it is Leo Laporte.”

Laporte then appeared again and the two went on to discuss the device. There was a bit of confusion at the end as neither Laporte was sure which one should leave.

According to Gail Mullen, Laporte’s public relations manager, Laporte had lapped himself in a sudden burst of media exposure.

“Leo passed himself on the fast-paced highway that is Internet media,” said Mullen, “and accidentally appeared twice.

“He’s terribly sorry for any confusion it may have caused.”

“Leo’s the hardest working man in podcasting,” said 43Folders‘ Merlin Mann. “He’s now literally working twice as hard as the next man who, paradoxically, is himself.”

There is some concern that Laporte’s proclivity has certain concerning implications in the realm of quantum mechanics.

“I happened to see the episode of Gearâ—ŠMediaâ—ŠTech,” said Sarah Grossman, a graduate student at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “For Laporte to exist twice in the same instance, he must not exist in some other instance. This other instance then has a quantum vacuum which must be filled by some other matter. Such as pudding.

“But then the pudding has to come from somewhere. You can see where I’m going with this. At some point Laporte’s duality must be paid for. There’s no such thing as a quantum free lunch.

“And, for the love of god, I hope he never shakes his own hand because KA-BOOOM!”

Laporte is expected to address the issue on the next edition of the Tech Guy provided he has the time.

AT&T Still Being Dicks About The iPhone.

During a keynote address at this week’s cellular industry conference in Orlando, AT&T COO Randall Stephenson showed one of the rare prototypes of the Apple iPhone, scheduled for release this summer.

In a presentation reminiscent of Stan Sigman’s “In your face, other cellular providers!” Macworld keynote appearance, Stephenson reportedly made an ass out of himself in ways that are only now fully coming to light.

According to sources, many attendees were surprised and annoyed when Stephenson took the unusual step of saying in a lilting voice “Ha, ha, I have one and you do not be-cause your momma is a hoo-chie momma!”

There was also apparently a little dance that went with this.

Attendees were further surprised when Stephenson dangled the iPhone just above their heads using a bungee cord tied to a long stick

Not so surprised that they didn’t climb over each other to try to get it, however.

Stephenson then shouted “You suck and I rock! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Ran-dy’s your dad-dy now! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Ran-dy’s your dad-dy now!”

Oddly, in keeping with AT&T and Cingular tradition, Stephenson was reading all of his taunts from 3 X 5 index cards.

At other moments during his keynote, Stephenson would act as if he was about to remove his hand from over the screen of the iPhone, allowing hundreds of photographers a close-up glimpse of it in action, but then clapped the hand back on top, jeering, “Psych!”

Not surprisingly, audience reaction was mixed.

“I enjoyed the potential of seeing the iPhone, but disliked actually not getting to see it,” said Jena Hui, a marketing executive with UTStarcom.

“And that Randy Stephenson is really a dickwad, isn’t he?”

To make it up to them, attendees were later allowed to beat a pinata in the shape of Stephenson holding an iPhone. Regrettably, only Windows Mobile devices poured out of the pinata when broken.

Apple Delays Leopard.

Reports late last week claimed that Apple had delayed Leopard in order to make its latest operating system update more compatible with Microsoft Vista. According to MacNewsWorld ace reporter Katherine Noyes, Apple was pushing the Leopard release date back to October in order to make Boot Camp fully Vista-complaint.

Many in the Mac community rightly expressed bafflement as to why Apple would delay an operating system used by millions for a feature used by thousands.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed that Apple is delaying Leopard until October, but not for Vista compatibility. It is delaying it because Steve Jobs is buying a hamster.

According to sources close to Jobs, the mercurial CEO has saved his salary for each of the 10 years since he returned to Apple and is now looking to invest the $10 in a small rodent.

“Steve feels he’s ready for the commitment,” said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “He’s got the Habitrail with the little wheel all set up in his office. Got one of those ball things. Some pellets. And now he’s just waiting for that special little… um… critter.”

Jobs apparently expects the process of learning to care for a hamster to be quite involved, hence the need to delay Leopard.

“I’ve told him you just give them some water, toss some pellets in there and then you can leave for the weekend,” Schiller said, “but he just smiles at me and says ‘Oh, Phil!’

“It’s really fricking pissing me off.”

Regardless of the reason, the move to delay the release of Leopard was hailed by Rob Enderle, principal analyst with the Boneheaded Jackass Enderle Group. [Editor: we were really sure it was the Boneheaded Jackass Group but when we checked he apparently calls it the Enderle Group. That’s what he said and that’s what’s on his business cards, but I’m just not sure. We’re still looking into it.]

Reached for comment, Enderle said “I eat paste!”

Wait, that’s not right…

Hmm.

Oh. It is.

Just checked my notes.

Says right here. “I eat paste!”

He seemed pretty excited about it, too.

He also had a little in the corner of his mouth.

Paste, that is.

An Apple spokesperson said that Jobs’ hamster break-in period is not expected to go past October, but warned that Leopard could be delayed further if the Apple CEO suddenly takes up macramé.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

We were out a little late last night with the Seattle Xcoders, so we’re going to run some repeat questions from old Help Desk episodes.

First up, it’s the summer of love, 1967!

Q: I’m recently bought an Apple -X and I’m having trouble getting it to read my paper tape. I can get the program punched onto the tape OK, but when I feed all 165 feet back in to get it to print out an ASCII picture of kitty, the tape gets mangled.

A: That’s a known issue with the -X. They’re expected to announce the Apple -IX next quarter which is supposed to fix that. Do you have $10,000?

Q: Um, let me see… Yes!

A: OK, then I’d just wait for that. You know, as great as the Apple -IX is going to be, just think… some day they’ll actually hit positive numbers.

Q: Wow! I wonder what that far off future world will be like?!

A: Well, no one knows for sure, but it’s pretty obvious that computers will think and be able to talk to you.

Q: Cool!

A: Yeah. War, of course, will be a thing of the past as the world will be led by a sage council of wizened elders in flowing robes.

Q: Huh. What will they wear under the robes?

A: Crotchless leather pants.

Q: Wh-huh? Why would they…

A: DO NOT QUESTION THE ELDERS!

Q: I’m not, I just think it’s kind of weird that…

A: UNBELIEVER! UNBELIEVER! GUARDS! CALL THE GUARDS!

Q: Ooh, so there will be thought police in the future?

A: Yeah, that was pretty much my point there.

Ha-ha! Well, at least we got that last part right!

Now here’s a classic from 1945! Who can forget the Apple iENIAC?

Q: I recently purchased an Apple iENIAC which has been great. I mean, it only takes me a couple of weeks to configure the vacuum tubes in the right places to get it to add two integers!

A: I know! And it’s only $530,000!

Q: Right! The problem I’ve been having is reaching Apple tech support.

A: Oh, that’s probably because 800 numbers haven’t been invented yet.

Q: Ah. I thought it might be because I have a party line.

A: Well, that’s probably not helping.

Q: So, what can I do in the mean time?

A: Uh, you mean between now and the 1960s?

Q: Yes.

A: You should avail yourself of the services of one of the many fine traveling Apple technical support and Fuller brush salesmen.

Q: Oh, but I can’t.

A: Uh… why?

Q: Because I’m a farmer.

A: Huh?

Q: And I have a daughter.

A: Oh.

Q: Yeah.

A: I can see where you might expect problems. But, wait, where did you get $530,000?

Q: Oh, I happened to be at Roswell when the aliens landed and the government paid me off.

A: Good for you!

And here’s one I’ll never forget from the year 10,045 BC!

Q: Me have trouble with Apple iStone. It sometimes not kill antelope.

A: You throw it hard?

Q: Of course me throw it hard!

A: You show.

Q: OK. Aaaaaaahhhh UHN!

A: You call that throw?! Throw it like early man!

Q: Grrr! OK. OK. Me not warmed up before. Now me warm. Here me go. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH UHNNNN!!!

A: Dude, there nothing wrong with iStone. You just throw like australopithecus.

Q: Nnn. Well, what if me upgrade to iStone Pro?

A: Ha-ha! You think you need iStone Pro when you throw like little australopithecus girl?!

Q: Me gonna smash you with iStone!

A: Ha! That bit scary threat, Lucy!

Ah, that really takes me back!