Author: CARS Staff

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today – all iPhone, all the time!

Q: I am, of course, going to get an iPhone the moment they’re available. Mostly because of the interface and the feature set. But also… um… I’ve heard… well, it’s widely rumored that… uh, the iPhone will have a noticeably positive effect on… uh… the size of my…

A: Johnson?

Q: My package.

A: Your junk?

Q: My stuff.

A: Your unit?

Q: My family jewels.

A: Your hey, now, how do ya do?

Q: My meat and potatoes.

A: Your frank and beans?

Q: My bangers and mash.

A: Your cucumber salad?

Q: My freeway and onramps.

A: Your Wallace and Gromit?

Q: My catalytic… My “Wallace and Gromit”?

A: Yeah. Your tube sock.

Q: Ah! My trouser luggage!

A: Your soap on a rope!

Q: My hard drive!

A: Your roll of mints!

Q: My… uh… braunschweiger…?

A: Your… um… bakery-fresh cruller?

Q: Uh… sure. So, anyway, is that true?

A: Uh… what was the question?

Q: I was hoping you would remember.

Q: I’m kind of interested in the iPhone, but I have some concerns.

A: Lay ’em on me.

Q: OK, well, it looks awfully slippery. Is it going to slip out of my hand all the time? I can’t afford to buy one every month, you know.

A: Never fear. Already there are several third-party solutions in the works that will make it less slippery. Griffin Technologies, for instance, is going to make a 40-grit sandpaper that you can use to put some really nice grooves into your iPhone.

Q: Oh. OK. That sounds good.

A: Should give you a nice grip.

Q: And possibly void my warranty.

A: Uh… yeah. And that.

Q: But I’m also concerned about heat. It seems like the iPhone’s probably going to run a little hot and I’m worried about having it pressed up against my face for a long time.

A: Oh, don’t worry about that. Kensington is going to make a Bluetooth crotch adapter.

Q: A what?

A: You put your iPhone in your pants and then you just use a Bluetooth headset.

Q: You mean I put my iPhone in my pants pocket, right?

A: No. In your pants.

Q: Why would I do that?

A: Uh, to use the Bluetooth headset? Helloooo?

Q: Um…

A: Also, it keeps your junk warm.

Q: Oh, let’s not go there again.

A: Um… OK.

Q: I’ve got a concern I haven’t seen addressed in any of the literature I’ve read about the iPhone so far.

A: Shoot.

Q: If I’m holding the unit up to my head and my hand is covering most of it, how are people going to know I’m using an iPhone?

A: Well, that is going to be a problem. How do you effectively project your iPhone user status to the masses?

Q: Right.

A: I don’t have an Apple-endorsed answer or a third-party solution for you here, but I can tell you what I intend to do.

Q: What’s that?

A: Work it into the conversation.

Q: Huh?

A: Well, let’s say I’m calling my buddy to see what time we’re meeting at a bar. I ring him up and I say as loudly as I can “Hey, man, I just wanted to call you on MY IPHONE to see what time we’re meeting for beers.”

Q: Oh, yeah! So, like, “Hey, Gloria, I just got MY NEW APPLE IPHONE and I wanted to call you on MY NEW APPLE IPHONE so you’d be the first to know that I HAVE SYPHILIS!“

A: …

Q: Kind of like that, right?

A: Uhh… I don’t think you need to emphasize that last part.

Q: Oh, but the people at the clinic were very specific about that. “Make sure she knows it’s syphilis,” they said.

A: Oh. OK. But does everyone else need to know?

Q: Um… I didn’t ask them that.

Jobs Continues To Express Himself.

When Apple CEO Steve Jobs came out against DRM two weeks ago, Apple fans cheered.

When Jobs lit into teachers’ unions last week, some Apple fans supported him while others said he had gone too far.

Now Jobs has pushed the envelope even further. In an 18-page diatribe, the mercurial Apple CEO hauled off on kittens today, sparking another round of controversy.

Here’s a small sample:

Cats, while destructive and useless in nearly every other regard, at least have the singular advantage that you can train them to poop in a box. Not so with kittens.

They are worthless. A blight upon humanity. If Apple did not have to fear an expensive lawsuit from the powerful and criminal kitten-lovers lobby, I would direct it to develop technologies aimed at eradicating these vermin from the face of the earth.

I, personally, have created preliminary schematics for several devices that would incinerate kittens through the use of highly concentrated photon beams. I implore the Bush administration, the U.S. Congress, the Massachussetts Institute of Technology, the Jet Propulsion Laboratories and the Anti-Kitten League to devote all of their funding to researching these vital technologies. Once designed, Apple will happily produce them for free.

Imagine a world without these sofa-scratching, mewling terrorists that can barely hold up their freakishly big-eyed heads.

That’s the kind of world I want to live in.

While most denounced Jobs’ most recent statement, some Apple fans actually came out in support of it.

“Kittens are evil little stuffed socks that move,” said Mac user Sam Marcus. “Long have I waited for someone to speak out against these tiny monsters.

“Although, I wish he’d have said something about when the new iMacs are coming out. I mean, should I buy one now or wait? C’mon, Steve, throw me a bone, here.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Jobs is not finished expressing himself and in the coming weeks is expected to go off on other normally inviolate targets such as cocoa, oxygen, and the nape of Jennifer Connelly’s neck.

Apple and Cisco Settle.

Apple and Cisco announced late today that they had reached an agreement over the use of the iPhone trademark.

According to the terms of the deal, both companies get to use the “iPhone” name on their products and the firms will “explore new opportunities to work together”.

Sources tell Crazy Apple Rumors Site that the deal has numerous interesting clauses, including the following:

  • Apple gets to the use the iPhone trademark on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and every other weekend. Cisco gets it the other days. This arrangement will be renegotiated when the iPhone trademark goes off to boarding school.
  • Apple may declare the contract invalid if Cisco uses the word “irregardless”* in a non-ironic context.
  • Cisco may invoke an escape clause at any time by yelling the “safe word”, which is “banana”.
  • Apple is allowed to name products with any arrangement of the letters in “iPhone”. Look for the Apple Phonie coming soon.
  • Apple is allowed to roll its eyes anytime anyone mentions the partnership with Cisco and say things like “Pff. Cisco. Don’t get me started on that bitch.”
  • Cisco gets to say it contributed technology to at least three Apple products a year, even if it isn’t true.
  • To demonstrate their continued commitment, representatives from both companies must meet every year at a large flat rock on the top of Mt. Ararat and reenact the final scene from the 1995 New Port Richie FL Dinner Theater production of A Streetcar Named Desire – staring Joe Piscopo and Cyndi Lauper – using marionettes.
  • Cisco must Photoshop back in the Apple logo on the laptop being used by the guy on the company’s home page.

Apple declined to comment for this story, but Cisco, frankly, wouldn’t shut up about it.

“Ooh, did you see we settled? Ooh, yeah. Well, we totally owned that trademark. Totally. We had big plans for it. Whole “iPone” line. It was gonna be…

“Wait, did I say ‘iPone’? Ha-ha! Really?! I did?! I meant ‘iPhone’! Ha-ha! Oh, boy! I mean, of course, ‘iPhone’. What… what else would it have been? ‘iPhone’! Ha-ha!”

* The first person in comments who says “irregardless” is a word because it’s in the dictionary gets banned.

Awesome Review Overshadows Product.

The release of Apple’s new Airport Extreme Base Station has prompted a plethora of rave reviews.

Strangely, however, all the raves are not for the product itself, but for a review of the product.

Yes, the reviews are in and Glenn Fleishman’s review is as thrilling a review as you’ll read in the set that is reviews of the Aiport Extreme Base Station.

Review reviewers from John Gruber to Mark Frauenfelder have declared Fleishman’s review is better than the product itself.

“This is the review of the Airport Extreme Base Station,” raved Gruber. “Thou shalt take no other reviews before this.

“Check out this bit: ‘Apple just needs to step up to the plate and add gigabit Ethernet to fulfill this speed demon’s full potential.’ Oh, snap! You got served, Apple!”

The pure awesomeness of the review has caused some confusion.

“When I read Fleishman’s awesome review, I thought, wow, this might just be better than sliced bread – better than 10 toasters full of sliced bread,” said Noah Eklestein, an AirPort Extreme Base Station buyer at a suburban Virginia Apple Store.

“But when I got it home and plugged it in, I was really disappointed. Eventually, I realized it was the review I was so excited about. Not the base station.”

The prolific Fleishman was predictably humble about the rave reviews for his review.

“It does seem that many people were interested in my review, for which I am very grateful,” Fleishman said. “It was a little weird when I noticed there were people standing outside of my house with their Airport Extreme Base Stations asking me to sign them. I didn’t make the Airport Extreme Base Station or anything. I just reviewed it. Albeit quite brilliantly.”

Fleishman has also been fielding requests from several Hollywood studios seeking the rights to make the review into a full-length feature movie.

“If such a deal can be constructed so that it’s amenable to both sides, I would be interested, but I will insist that I retain full creative control. I’d hate to see my review turned into some piece of crap buddy film with Owen Wilson and Bernie Mac.

“I’m thinking, oh, I don’t know, maybe Kevin Spacey could play me reviewing the Airport Extreme Base Station. If he’s available. If not, maybe Ed Harris. He’s good. I’d love to see Paul Giamatti play the Airport Extreme Base Station, but I’m somewhat flexible on actors.”

Fleishman said his one non-negotiable point is that it be directed by Christopher Nolan.

“I think only the taut suspense of, say, Memento could do justice to my review of the Airport Extreme Base Station.”

When asked to comment, Apple refused to stay on the subject of the review and kept trying to talk about some product called the Aiport Extreme Base Station.

Apple and Cisco in Talks on iPhone Trademark.

[Technical Note: The site had some “issues” last night so there was no Thursday post. To make it up to you, please accept this post which has been upgraded from “regular recipe” to “extra crispy” and comes with a free soda that you can collect at the Dell Direct Store in your local mall. If they don’t seem to know what you’re talking about, just keep demanding your free soda louder and louder until you get it. Or until mall security arrives.]

Apple and Cisco are reportedly in late talks attempting to salvage a deal on the iPhone trademark before the matter heads to court.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has a transcript of the latest meeting that provides a heady look into the head-to-head negotiations between these two technology powerhouses.

APPLE: I have been forced to succumb to your childish attempts to get my attention and I now bring an offer I believe you cannot refuse.

CISCO: Unlikely, as your past entreaties have been as meaningless to my senses as the collected works of Rob Schneider. But speak.

APPLE: Hear now my words and witness your own undoing. $750,000, lunch at the fast-food establishment of your choice and the original cloak and blaster from a 1981 Star Wars Jawa collectible action figure. I know you have the action figure but are missing the cloak and blaster! Ah-ha! I have you!

CISCO: Ha! Again we see that there is nothing you have that I want, whereas something precious to you is in my possession. For I traded the Jawa for a cloak and lightsaber for my Luke Skywalker action figure last week!

APPLE: Blast! That would explain why Google approached me on Monday about the Jawa cloak and blaster.

CISCO: Well, if our business is at an end here…

APPLE: No! Wait.

CISCO: Ah, you have more shiny baubles to dangle before me, as if I were some country bumpkin fresh to the big city?

APPLE: Mock if you will, but consider this: $1,000,000, a case of Mickey’s Big Mouths and an original Major Matt Mason action figure, with his internal wires all still intact! Now, give me the iPhone trademark!

CISCO: Does he still have his helmet? And is there any paint chipping?

APPLE: He does have his helmet but there is some light chipping around the buttocks.

CISCO: Unacceptable. Clearly this means more to you than it does to me. You must do better.

APPLE: Very well. I have saved the best for last. $1,500,000, a huge bucket of delicious kettle corn and a 1978 issue of the Space: 1999 comic book pencilled by none other than the legendary John Byrne! Bagged and boarded! Let’s make a deal!

CISCO: Mmm. No. No. Byrne’s work has not aged well as the influence of Japanese anime has improved the medium. I grow tired of these discussions and wish to watch Adult Swim.

APPLE: No! It is I who grow tired and wish to retire to my fainting couch and have my feet massaged by bisexual Thai handmaidens!

CISCO: Ooh! I want that, too! And Adult Swim!

APPLE: Well, at least on this we agree.

CISCO: But I still don’t want you to use “iPhone”.

APPLE: Damn you to hell!

CISCO: Ha-ha! I’m the anthropomorphization of a soulless commercial and legal construct known as the corporation! I hardly think that’s going to happen!

APPLE: Still, your torments will be long and painful, wherever they are carried out.

CISCO: Oh, you say that to everyone who sues you.

APPLE: [sigh] Perhaps.

CISCO: Hmm. Well… let me see the Major Matt Mason.

APPLE: I… don’t have him on me…

CISCO: Oh, come on! It’s like you’re not even trying!

Apple and Cisco were reportedly last seen at a Shakey’s, arguing over what toppings to get on a pizza they were splitting.