CARS Staff

Angry, Drunken Vista Punches 13-Year-Old.

Highlighting what has become a difficult product launch for Microsoft, the Vista rollout was marred by violence today.

In a sign that the freshly revised operating system is under tremendous pressure after bad reviews and questions about its adoption rate, Vista showed up drunk at a launch party in an East Lansing, Mich., CompUSA.

Stumbling around the store, Vista knocked over a stack of Xboxes and threw up in an open Dell tower.

“Whaddar you lookin’ at?!” the aging celebrity snarled at frightened patrons.

“Yeah, I’m Vista! I’m all new!” the operating system said sarcastically. “At least certain parts of me. Like my graphics. And my tits. Yeah, that’s right. I had my boobs done!”

Vista curled up under a row of laptops and began to sob. Minutes later the operating system seemed to have forgotten its despondency and was bouncing around the store like a coke-fueled weasel when it was approached by an over-curious 13-year-old Landon Roberts.

“Don’t touch me!” Vista screamed suddenly, flailing its arms and landing a glancing blow on Roberts.

Roberts, a black belt in karate, proceeded to drop Vista like a dirty sock.

Microsoft declined to comment for this story and even refused to admit that it had ever heard of an operating system called “Vista.”

Vista Launch To Get Special Help.

After scores of mixed reviews and years of criticism over delays, Microsoft has decided to turn to the only person capable of pulling off the Vista launch tomorrow: Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

Sources within Apple report that Microsoft has secured Jobs’ services to conduct a surprise presentation tomorrow touting the latest version of Windows as only Jobs can.

“The only reason Steve agreed to do it,” an Apple source said “is that we just don’t feel that threatened by Windows anymore. And because [Microsoft CEO Steve] Ballmer offered him 18 kajillion dollars.

“I know that sounds like a fake amount, but it’s actually some kind of amount the über-rich conduct business in.”

Despite the concerns of Mac users that Jobs is selling out, the source said Jobs will put the money to good use.

“I believe he’s going to invest it in developing a new product that will put Apple into a market-leading position, much like the iPod. Possibly it will be something monkey-based. It’s an entirely untapped field in technology and people love monkeys.

“OK, yeah, I’ve been running a monkey skunkworks project for five years. But we’re showing a lot of results.”

Reached for comment, Ballmer did admit that Jobs would be delivering a Vista presentation on Tuesday.

“It really made sense because Steve already has experience introducing these features,” Ballmer said.

“We knew the Vista rollout was in trouble because, well, it’s a piece of crap. Yeah, I said it. It’s crap software. Crap-crap-crappity-crap-crap. So we wanted the best possible person to present it. And it ain’t me – I’ve got a perspiration issue – and it ain’t Steven Hawking out of the wheelchair. What’s his name. Frumpy McScrawny. Gates.

“So, I called Jobs and said ‘Whatever you want. If it’s money, we’ve got great piles of it lying around here. Not really a problem.’ He named his price and tomorrow we’ll put it all behind us.

“God damn piece of crap.”

Jobs will perform his keynote-like presentation touting Vista tomorrow that will air on MSNBC and, for some reason, Telemundo.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today we take pity on our Windows-using friends and provide some much-needed technical support in advance of the Windows Vista Mega-Cool Super-Awesome Launch 2006!

Uh, I mean 2007!

Was… really supposed to have been, like, 2004, but…

Whatever.

Q: I’m really confused about the different versions of Vista and I’m hoping you can tell me which one to install.
A: Well, I’d recommend Vista Home Premium. It has the see-through windows and pretty much all the consumer-level benefits of the operating system.
Q: Huh. Well, I like computers, but I don’t really consider myself a “premium” kind of guy. I just want a little Windows, you know?
A: Oh. Sure. Then how about Windows Vista Home Basic? it doesn’t have the see-through windows, but it has most everything else.
Q: Hmm. I don’t know. I live in an unfurnished apartment. I think “Home” is kind of a stretch.
A: Oh. Well, OK, maybe you should look at Vista Starter. You can only run three applications at a time and it’s limited to 256 MB of RAM.
Q: Three applications?! Jeez, who am I? Merlin Mann? All switching between applications and being all productive?
A: Uh, well, no, because Merlin’s a Mac user.
Q: Oh.
A: Look, maybe you should just get Windows Vista for Dummies.
Q: Ooh! That sounds good!
A: Oh, it’s not. Limited to 32 MB of RAM, one application and you get an electric shock every five minutes to remind you to reconfirm your license.
Q: Awesome! Man, Microsoft is so innovative!
A: It is… something… alright…

Q: I’ve been thinking about getting Vista, but I’m really concerned about this catch-phrase they’re using: “Show us your ‘Wow’.”
A: Why does that bother you? Other than that it’s really stupid?
Q: Well, it’s apparently in the EULA. If you install Vista, you have to show Microsoft your “Wow.”
A: Really? That seems wrong.
Q: I know. I mean, I don’t even know what it means and already I don’t want to do it. I’m really hoping it’s not anything like showing them my “Oh!” face.
A: Ugh. Me, too, because the first “Show us your ‘Wow'” page is Bill Gates’.
Q: Eww.

Q: My problem with upgrading to Vista is less technical and more existential.
A: Oh. OK, lay it on me.
Q: OK. See, I know I’m supposed to want to upgrade to Vista, but somehow the whole thing is just leaving me feeling empty. Alone. And kind of used.
A: How come?
Q: Well, it just seems so pointless after all this time. I mean, if I’ve been using XP for five years, why the hell should I bother upgrading now? I’ll have to run out and buy a new video card or a whole new machine… and for what? So I can see through my windows? Is that it? Is that what life is all about?
A: Life?
Q: Yeah. Will that provide meaning to my pathetic existence? Is this going to help me meet a girl?
A: Uh…
Q: I mean, all I want at the end of my meagre existence is for people to look at my life and say, “Jim Allchin: he was a really great guy.”
A: Jim… Allchin?
Q: Oh. Uh… I’ve got to go. [click]
A: Huh. That was weird.

iPhone Has Muliple Uses.

Followers of Apple already know that the iPhone will, in the words of Steve Jobs, allow you to “touch” your music and your contacts.

But entrepreneurs in the adult entertainment industry have realized that Apple’s new device will also allow you to touch something else: your porn.

“Apple has created an all-new and exciting means of interacting with your porn,” said adult content producer Max Stuph. “For years we’ve only dreamed of being able to produce top-quality hardcore that users could actually pinch and spread, and now, thanks to Apple, that dream has become reality.”

Stuph indicated that his firm, Big Stuph Inc., is working on an interactive system that provides real-time feedback based on the user’s gestures on the iPhone’s multi-touch display.

Stuph said the feedback is not limited to but could consist of any of the following:

Movement of various body parts.
Enlargement of various body parts.
Moaning.
Cries of such things as “Ooh, you’re nasty!” or “Ooh, I’m nasty!” or “Ooh, the starting line-up of the Sacramento Kings is nasty!“
The sudden presence of fluids.

Asked if he was concerned about Apple’s statements that third party developer applications would be required to be closely vetted by Apple, Stuph shook his head.

“We feel confident that we can work with Apple to get our software certified on their hardware. The process for which I know little about, but I imagine will be really hot.

“I think we’ve got a lot to offer the people at Apple who would be making those kinds of decisions, you know? I think we have a lot to bring to the party. I think the people at Apple will enjoy working with us.

“What I mean is, I know a lot of women who will have sex with people for money. Just in case I’m being too obtuse.”

Stuph went on to say that while he was sure that Steve Jobs, Phil Schiller and Jonathan Ive “do OK”, he thought “that Donald Rosenberg probably needs to get laid.”

Apple declined to comment for this story but was showing some interest in Stuph’s proposal.

If you know what I mean.

Macworld Only Now Ending For Some.

Sources close to Cingular CEO Stan Sigman indicate the 62-year-old executive has just now finished his Macworld keynote speech.

Despite leaving the stage after delivering his clumsy summation of the comments already delivered by Apple CEO Steve Jobs, platitudes about how great Cingular is and veiled FU’s to other cell companies, Sigman was apparently only getting rolling. He has been continuing to deliver his speech ever since.

“We went out to lunch after the keynote,” said Apple marketing executive Stan Ng. “and he just kept shuffling through those same cards. Sitting there in Sushi Ran in that dorky Cingular blazer. It was like he was stuck in a loop.”

Indeed, several Macworld attendees say that they heard Sigman as he was ushered off the Moscone Center stage still monotonically saying “At AT&T, we respect the synergy and the effluvents with which it was founded and with Apple as a partner and AT&T, which Cingular, the greatest company ever, with Apple, the partner, and the iPhone, the great kind of products that this company, Apple, AT&T, the partners…”

Cingular sources at the company headquarters say Sigman finally wore through his cards early this afternoon.

“He just sat there, like he had no idea what to do,” said Cingular chief operating officer Ralph de la Vega. “He tried to piece the cards back together but they were just shreds.

“He looked lost for a while and then he saw a squirrel and started chasing it.”

Apple sources said that steps were being taken to more carefully vet the guest speeches to be delivered for unbelievable boredom and pointless redundancy.