CARS Staff

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hello?
A: Uh, yes? Hello.
Q: Are you the guy who dissed Woz?
A: Uh-boy.
Q: Are you?!
A: Uh… wasn’t that… uh… no, I think that was Jason O’Grady.
Q: Oh. OK. ‘Cause I’m gonna mess him up.
A: Oooh. Hmm. Well… don’t do that… he, uh… er… Eh. He’ll be fine.

Q: I have a Mac and I have that same heat problem that they started the class action suit over. Apple isn’t currently giving me any recourse, so how can I at least protect my lap from the blistering heat?
A: Well, you’ll want to get yourself one of the many laptop support stands, like a Podium Pad or…
Q: I tried that! It didn’t work at all! I mean, how the hell are you supposed to get a Mac Pro on those little footie things?! It’s impossible!
A: Wait, a Mac Pro?
Q: Yeah! This thing is ridiculously hot! It’s really burning my thighs!
A: Well… what the hell do you have it on your lap for?
Q: …
A: …
Q: I… don’t… really… know. I’m sorry. I’ll just… uh… I’ll just put it on the floor…?
A: The floor?! No, you idiot! A man wears his Mac Pro strapped to his back at all times! How else will anyone know about his raw computing and purchasing power?!
Q: Uh… ah! Yes! Like men!
A: Like men!
Q: Uh, yeah, the only thing is, I’ve got this lower back thing…
A: Oh, for Pete’s sake!

Q: Hey.
A: Oh. Hey. Can I help you?
Q: Uh… you’ve probably never had someone with this problem before…
A: Oh, we get all kinds here.
Q: Oh… I doubt you’ve had this problem.
A: You’ve got an iPod shuffle stuck up your butt?
Q: Uh… well. I stand corrected. Also I stand because… I can’t sit down…
A: Mmm.

Apple Faces New MacBook Lawsuit.

Having recently learned that it is the target of a lawsuit over over-heating MacBooks, Apple learned today that another group is targeting the company.

According to sources at the Shady Acres Retirement Home, a group of seniors is suing the company because their MacBooks aren’t hot enough.

“I bought this gahd damn MacBook so I could stay warm this winter!” shouted Herbert Warner, pointing accusingly at his MacBook. “I got bad circulation! And this gahd damn thing wouldn’t keep a fly warm!”

Warner shook his fist at the MacBook and spit on the floor.

“Gahd damn it! I didn’t lose a nipple on Iwo Jima to waste $1,100 on a cold laptop! Makes me wish I got me one of them laptops with the… waddaya call ’em… the explodin’ batteries.”

After an angry silence, Warner said “I lost a nipple on Iwo Jima, you know!”

Warner’s wife of 56 years, Martha, indicated that Warner did not actually fight in World War II and has never served in the military.

“He was 4-F, you know!” Mrs. Warner, a co-litigant said. “Because of his missing nipple, you see! My father said, ‘Jesus, Martha, tell me you’re not gonna marry that one-nippled Warner boy!’

“But…” Warner said, hugging her irate husband, “I loved him!

“And we bought this laptop to keep us warm! That Jobs fellow should do right by us!”

When reached for comment, Steve Jobs said “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Another Mac Publication Changes Its Name.

In the wake of MacAddict’s decision to change its name to Mac|Life, another venerable Mac news source has also decided to change its name.

Earlier today, Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber announced that “In order to better reflect its focus on news about deceased film maker Stanley Kubrick and playoff-eliminated baseball team the New York Yankees, I have decided to rename the site Stanley Yankeeball.”

According to Gruber, the site’s Apple focus was appropriate in a different age when the desktop operating system mattered, but now that the Internet is the new operating system there’s no point in covering Apple or OS X. Or Microsoft or Windows for that matter.

“It’s all so pointless,” Gruber sighed, waiting for a burrito to finish microwaving so his Airport connection would come back up and he could regain access to “the new operating system.”

The site will still provide the occasional tidbits of Apple, BBEdit and Movable Type news, as well as the usual 3,000 word rants about misplaced menu items and inappropriate custom control widgets.

“That I don’t think I could stop doing if I wanted to,” Gruber admitted.

Gruber said the change will take place as soon as he is able to gain the domain name stanleyyankeeball.net. In an ironic twist to this story, Whois reveals that yourstanleyyankeeballlife.net is already owned by Shawn King.

MacAddict to Change Name.

MacAddict editor Rik Myslewski confirmed over the weekend that MacAddict will change its name to Mac|Life early next year.

If the name sounds familiar, it should, according to Your Mac Life host Shawn King.

“Uh, yeah,” King said. “Sitting right here in the Your Mac Life studios having hosted Your Mac Life for over four years and serving it up via the domain name www.yourmaclife.com. Sitting right exactly here!

“I’m drinking my beer out of a Your Mac Life mug fer chrissake!” a visibly agitated King shouted, lifting his beer-filled mug as evidence.

“I’m sorry,” King said, sipping his beer. “It just… really ticks me off.”

A spokesperson for Future US, the company that publishes MacAddict, backtracked today, perhaps in a sign the company did not realize the name was already taken.

“If you look closely at the name,” vice president of public relations Ned Hollings said, “you’ll see that there’s a vertical bar between Mac and Life. That bar isn’t silent.”

Hollings declined to say how the bar is pronounced, however, prompting rampant speculation on the MacAddict forums. One poster believed that the bar should be pronounced with the tongue click used in certain African and South American indigenous languages. Others insisted that it was pronounced “mother fucking”, indicating that, despite Myslewski’s comments indicating Mac|Life would be a more mature version of MacAddict, it will still have an “in your face” attitude.

King was not appeased by Hollings’ statement, however, and mumbled something about “Nashville boys” and “medieval on your ass” in between taking long angry draughts from his Your Mac Life mug.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today: products Apple hasn’t released!

Q: I have an Apple iPhone and I’m having trouble synching it with iTunes. The songs I buy on iTunes get put on the iPhone, but the songs that I wirelessly download to the iPhone don’t make it on to iTunes. I’ve tried…
A: Wait, wait… you have.. an iPhone?
Q: Uh, yeah. I said that. So, anyway, I can’t get it to…
A: But Apple hasn’t released an iPhone yet.
Q: Oh, yeah, I’m calling from the future. That’s one of the features. The ability to call anyone in time. Well, anyone in time that has a phone.
A: Wow. That’s amazing. So when are you calling from?
Q: May, 2007.
A: May, 2007? Well, why don’t you just call me then?
Q: Uh, well, I really shouldn’t say. Don’t want to disrupt the time stream.
A: S-say what?!
Q: Oh… well… OK. You know that party you’re going to tomorrow night?
A: Y-yeah?
Q: Don’t eat the salmon mousse.
Q: Oooh…

Q: I have an Apple iTablet and I’m having issues with OS X “Lite.” The “Lite” version of iPhoto isn’t able to handle all my pictures and the “Lite” version of iTunes makes my songs sound all tinny.
A: Wait, are you calling from the future?
Q: No. Why?
A: Well, it’s just that Apple hasn’t released an iTablet.
Q: Oh, yeah, I got tired of waiting for them to make one, so I made my own. It actually runs an OS based on Linux I coded myself and I cobbled the parts together. I can’t wait forever, you know.
A: Well, shouldn’t you be able to fix your problem, then?
Q: Yes, I could but that would kill the whole fantasy that it was released by Apple.
A: Mmm. You’re complicated, aren’t you.
Q: OK, if you don’t want to help me with the iTablet, how about the ultra-lite MacBook I made?
A: What’s the problem with that?
Q: Well, the real problem is it’s just a foam-core board mockup. It doesn’t do anything.
A: Uh… you’re really hoping for a response here, are you?
Q: Yeah.
A: Ookay… uh… have you tried rebooting?

Q: I have an Apple Newton and I’m trying to get it connected to the Internet. I have the ISP info all set up, but when I go into Newt’s Cape it doesn’t find any of the sites.
A: Wait, wait, wait. We’re taking questions about products Apple’s never released. They actually sold the Newton.
Q: Oh, yeah, I know that, but mine’s a micro color Newton with 2 GB of flash memory. It’s the size of a deck of cards.
A: Wow! Where did you get that?! Did you make it?
Q: Make it?! No! I found it in the dumpster behind One Infinite Loop eight years ago! There were hundreds of them!
A: Wait, you found it eight years ago and you’re only trying to get it on the Internet now?
Q: Oh, I was Amish.
A: Uh… huh.
Q: Yeah. I’m not anymore. Although I still like the beard.
A: Oh, it… looks good on you.