Author: CARS Staff

iPhone Details Revealed.

As is now widely known to be truth, Apple will reveal its iPhone at January’s Macworld, setting the cell phone market on its ear (no pun intended) as it did before to the markets for personal computers, digital music and sex with robots.

Think Secret reports that the iPhone will be Cingular-only for the first six months and that Apple expects to sell 25 million in the first year.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources confirmed Think Secret’s report and also learned the following:

  • The iPhone will come in silver, black and white, but not brown because that’s stupid. I mean, who would do that? Brown’s a horrible color for an electronic device. You’d have to be an idiot to try to… OK, I think I’ve made my point.
  • The device will also function as an iPod, with the ability to download music wirelessly. Cingular has not set pricing for download time, but the words “charge them up the ass” were used in several company documents.
  • Several times during the development of this deal, Cingular pushed for there to be a little kitty that walked you through the interface. Apple at first declined politely but, when Cingular kept pushing it, had to yell “NO! There isn’t going to be a stupid kitty! That’s stupid! Your idea is stupid! You’re stupid!” Then there was an uncomfortable silence before Apple apologized and said maybe there could be a kitty in there somewhere.
  • For some reason the iPhone is actually going to be the size of car battery.
  • Neat feature: instead of ringtones, smelltones. “Sniff-sniff. Is that bacon?” “Oh! I have a call!”
  • Optional snap-on faceplates make your iPhone feel like buttah.
  • Innovative design of hardware and software that works together seamlessly means your iPhone won’t suck donkey dick like all the other phones you’ve had.

    In related news, Apple is also rumored to be getting into the market for other premium products, such as HD TVs, olive oil misters and those fancy paper things you put on turkey legs.

    Stories We're Not Working On.

    No story tonight as after a long, warm summer in Tacoma it’s time to clean the Crazy Apple Rumors Site barbecue grill and get it ready for winter. But here’s a list of stories we’re not working on. So don’t look forward to these stories in the future.

    Because we’re not working on them.

    • Phil Schiller Drops a Grand on Hockey Pucks.
    • Apple Opening Retail Store in Menasha Wisconsin in The Middle of a Row of Derelict Store Fronts.
    • George Ou Cuts Himself Shaving, Blames Apple.
    • iTV Motherboard Based On Something Vaguely Familiar But I Can’t Quite Place It… Is It Max Ehrmann’s “The Desiderata of Happiness”? No! It’s Langston Hughes’ Poem “Mother to Son”!
    • Brown Zune Kinda Smells Funny.
    • Jobs Fires Cat.

      They just didn’t seem worth it.

      Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

      Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

      Q: Oh, man, I’m so glad I got a hold of you. I think… I think Apple’s stalking me.
      A: Oh. Wow. That’s kind of… a big accusation. What are they doing? Did you get a call from Apple legal or something?
      Q: No. No! It’s these emails! I get them like every day! New music, new iPods, your battery could explode… They won’t leave me alone! Some of them come while I’m sleeping and Mail makes that horrible, horrible sound and… I just can’t take it anymore!
      A: Uh, well, you know you can unsubscribe to those.
      Q: I can… what?
      A: Unsubscribe. Like through your Apple ID settings.
      Q: Oh.
      A: Yeah. It’s pretty easy.
      Q: OK. Well… that’s good. That’ll help. Just one more thing.
      A: Sure.
      Q: There’s someone in my shower. I think it’s Peter Oppenheimer. Can you tell me what he looks like?
      A: Uh… early 50s. Looks a little like Shatner.
      Q: Eeyup. That’s him.
      A: Hmm. Yeah, you might be being stalked.

      Q: Come in. Come in. Can anyone respond on this frequency?
      A: Uh… hello? Who is this?
      Q: It’s Peter Oppenheimer.
      A: Peter. Where are you man?
      Q: I’m… not really sure. I seem to be trapped in some kind of… agony booth.
      A: Peter. Peter. No, Peter. You’re having another Shatner fantasy. Have you been drinking?
      Q: I… had some tranya…
      A: How much “tranya”?
      Q: Not that much. But I had a lot of Scotch with Scottie.
      A: Peter…
      Q: Oh, I know, I know. You said Scottie and Bones are dead and Sulu’s gay. But that’s because we’re in an alternate timeline and I can fix it if I can get! Out! Of this! Agony! Boooooth!
      A: Peter…
      Q: I don’t mean I’ll fix Sulu. There’s nothing wrong with Sulu. He’s a great guy. I’m not even mad about him bringing a sword onto the bridge that one time.
      A: Peter, I want you to listen carefully to me. I want you to reach down to the knobs and turn the cold water on full.

      Q: Hello, my name is Wendell James, I am an attorney at James, Reynolds and Foster.
      A: Ah, I know that Macs are rather popular in the legal world. What’s your problem.
      Q: Ahhh, yes. Well, my “problem” is that James, Reynolds and Foster represent Paramount Pictures – the studio that owns Star Trek – and we would prefer it… well, we demand that you cease and desist…
      A: Hey! They called me! I can’t help it if Peter Oppenheimer has a Shatner complex!
      Q: What? Oh, no. It’s not about that. It’s about the “Hot, Green, Orion Bitches” web site you run.
      A: Oh. Uh… is there a problem?

      Apple/SecureWorks Controversy Ends Bizarrely.

      In a bizarre ending to the Apple/SecureWorks controversy (also known as Security Bitch Watch), technology industry sources indicate that the two companies – previously at bitter odds over the security of Apple’s Airport hardware and drivers – were seen making out together in the parking lot behind the dumpster.

      More than just being extremely, disturbingly icky, this is particularly surprising as Apple announced it was releasing a wireless security patch late today and took the opportunity to take a jab at SecureWorks, giving them no credit for discovering any vulnerability.

      News of their subsequent makeout session was, therefore, a shock to many.

      “Wha-?” said ZDNet’s George Ou upon hearing the news. “But… but… after all I did for SecureWorks I thought…

      “I thought SecureWorks and I… were…”

      Ou burst into tears and ran into the girls bathroom.

      According to those in the know, the entire controversy had built to this moment.

      “You know how it is,” said Apple’s friend Gary shrugging. “You argue with someone and the tension builds between the two of you. It builds and builds and then finally the only thing that will release all that tension is… you know… makin’ out.

      “Oh, don’t judge them,” Gary scolded. “Like you’ve never done it.”

      Apple might have commented for this story if it wasn’t mashing face with SecureWorks.

      Uhhhhhnnnnnnn…

      Soooooo sleeeeeeeeppppyyyyyyy…

      Uhnnnnnnnnnnnnn…

      Uhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

      Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn….

      Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

      Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

      …

      In the comments…

      …tell us how sleepy you are.