Author: Chet MacGruder

Client Development Night.

Well, screw this.

Moltz is out there driving through the desert with a talking dog and a mescaline-induced vision of one of the seminal Mac pundits of the previous decade and I’m sitting here on my ass scrolling through emails from appld00d238@hotmail.com and watching my Lancelot Link DVD.

He left Thor in charge but here’s the thing about the great Thor Samson. He’s smart, powerful, well connected and good looking in a “I don’t roll that way but if I did…” kind of way. But he’s not exactly what you’d call “focused”. One minute he’s talking about how we’re going to redesign the site and make it all Web 2.0 with a state-of-the-art content management system and lasers and shit and the next he’s rolling in a pile of twenties with four Swedish flight attendants smeared in butter.

And he’s not even an employee! He’s a contributing columnist! Ugluk even has seniority!

Not that he wants to get into management. I think he’s more interested in the Shaman position we have open. The hours are better. And he’s already got the cave bear head.

But anyway, like I said, screw this.

I’m taking a mess of ones out of petty cash and I’m doing some client development tonight. Me and Kafasis and Shipley and Thomason and that other dude are going to some strip joints.

So if you rumor monkeys want to get your fix, maybe you can get your jollies on this, which reliable sources say is… from the future.

Really, they said that.

And these were the guys who totally predicted iPod Socks. Seriously. They nailed it.

No Help Desk

Moltz and Howard are on the road. I don’t know where Masako is. Thor breezed in with some supermodels, picked up Ugluk and then they all piled into a limo and left.

It’s OK. I didn’t want to go anyway. Seriously. I’ve got some long neck PBRs in the fridge at my apartment. Champagne cocktail gives me a headache.

Anyway, I’m out of here.

Oh, I’m supposed to leave you with something to comment on.

Uh…

Oh. OK. Who would you rather do: Linda Carter as Wonder Woman circa 1977 or Julie Newmar as Catwoman circa 1965?

Both in costume, of course.

For the ladies, should any appear: Lloyd Bridges circa 1958 (Sea Hunt) or Parker Stevenson circa 1978?

Apple's Retail Success Due To Ether.

[Moltz is, as usual, high on his own ego as well as prodigious servings of Vermont maple syrup candy. My sources are impeccable. Go ahead. Try to peck them. You can’t. Im-peccable. He’s just mad because I broke his talking Lost In Space original series B-9 robot 1/6 scale replica.

Which, admittedly, I shouldn’t have done. But that’s no reason to go off on Gordy like that.]

While recent reports of Apple’s retail success have early detractors of the company’s decision to open its own stores eating crow, sources indicate it may have less to do with the strength of Apple’s product offering than the effect of certain chemicals on the human brain.

An environmental survey of various retail chains across the nation revealed that the air in Apple Stores contains unusally high concentrations of ether.

“We experimented with different music, different lighting,” said a remarkably frank Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson. “But ultimately we found that pumping the room full of ether increased sales the most.

“It also increased repeat traffic as people kept coming back into the store, even though they didn’t know why. Or, often, even remember they had been in there before.”

Indeed, according to one anecdote, a curious Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer wandered into the Bellevue Square Apple Store, bought four Mac minis, eight iPods and a Power Mac G5. The next day he woke up drooling and sweaty in a dumpster in Kirkland.

That, of course, was just part of Ballmer’s ordinary Friday night routine and unrelated to the inhalation of the ether.

Apple does credit the strategy with increasing its switcher sales.

Coming to outside the Chandler Fashion Center Apple Store, sudden Apple customer Bill Blanchette, his arms laden with white Apple shopping bags, groggily asked “Unnnhh… What happened? What did I buy?”

Oddly, Apple’s stock was up on the news of its ether retail strategy.

[Don’t forget to scroll down to Moltz’s utterly, utterly false and wrong interpretation.]