Category: Apple Community

You’re probably wondering why I’m taking a break from scouring the waffle establishments of this fair nation in an effort to find the Entity and save us all from robot annihilation. I’m sad to say that it’s because I’ve been forced to respond to the juvenile antics of David Pogue and his cabana boy, Shawn King.

After a Twitter exchange with Mr. King in which I commented on Mr. Pogue’s lackluster level of outreach to the rest of the Apple web, King posted this image to his Flickr account.

Ha-ha. That’s very funny. I’m out here busting my hump trying to save everyone from killer robots and…

Whatever.

Now, while that is Pogue in the picture, the sign is clearly the work of King (little known fact, Pogue is actually illiterate and dictates all of his columns and books, probably what he’s doing on the phone there).

But despite King being to blame, he’s so easy to make fun of that I thought it would be more fun to mock Pogue. Plus, the glory of this is using something that King created to mock me as a means of mocking someone else, thereby doubling his bad karma.

Sweet.

So, who wants to make some lolPogues?

Here’s the lolPogues template to which you can easily add your own text using any half-decent image editor. Then just upload the image to Flickr and add it to the lolPogues group.

I’ve even put together a couple of samples to show you how easy it is.

Hey, if I can do this with my iPhone and the top-secret version of Photoshop for iPhone while riding down I-95 in a car being driven by a talking dog, you can surely do it in the comfort of your home with your Performa and copy of PhotoDeluxe.

Now get cracking!

In response to allegations that “black people don’t use Macs”, sources say Apple is working on a new series of blacksploitation “I’m a Mac ads.”

Information is sketchy right now, but one script is written for Carl Weathers to star as the Mac and Craig T. Nelson as the PC. In the ad, the Mac totally fucks up the PC.

“Think about it,” a source said. “What’s more like ‘the man’ than the PC? Nothing. Well, other than the man himself.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, but Weathers said he’s available and interested. Quentin Tarantino is currently rumored to be attached to the project.

Several recent studies have shown that Mac market share is creeping up, but a study released today shows that it has reached record levels.

According to several Mac users who got together and published a paper in the prestigious publication Mac Scientific Papers Magazine, the anecdotal evidence is overwhelming: more people than ever “can has Macs”.

“My anecdotal evidence clearly shows Mac market share is way higher than previously thought,” said paper co-author Josh Raney. “I just keep running into switchers.”

Just this morning, according to Raney, he met yet another “dude” who’s switching to the Mac.

Co-author Jeremy Dingess said “Everyone I know and hang out with uses Macs, so my anecdotal results show its market share to be 100%. Of course, some of that is just selection, so I’m willing to accept that in the real world, the results are somewhat different.”

Accordingly, Dingess and Raney estimated the Mac’s market share to be somewhere around 75%.

“I mean, it’s totally scientifically valid but, also, it just felt right, you know?”

In other statistical news, an experiment conducted today revealed that roughly 3% of Apple’s stock is owned by frightened little bunnies that sell and buy based on noises they hear coming from the tall, tall grass near farmer MacGregor’s vegetable garden.

Annoyed by various manufactured criticisms such as the myths that Apple does not give credit to security researchers and that the iPhone battery will die after 400 charges, Apple has announced a new program of anti-patches. According to the company, anti-patches will be delivered solely to the desktops of the jackasses, goobers and ass clowns who populate the anti-Apple web.

Apple’s senior vice president of software Bertrand Serlet said, “The anti-patches will make complainers’ systems function more and more poorly, causing them to be both less secure and more prone to crashing.”

“Many of these complainers go to great lengths to claim that they love their Macs. Yes, well, try to tell us you love them as your files disappear, mouse motion becomes erratic, and your IP and open ports are advertised on IRC channels. Jackasses!

“But the best part,” Serlet added, “is that thanks to Apple Software Update for Windows, we can deliver anti-updates to anyone who’s installed iTunes or QuickTime.”

Apple’s plan has drawn fire from critics.

“Listen, if I want to keep any bugs I find to myself, or perhaps sell them to former Soviet agents, that’s my business,” said David Maynor, widely known for not revealing what he did then didn’t claim were major flaws in Apple’s Wi-Fi drivers one year ago.

“And now Apple is going to make my kernel panic every five hours as revenge? Well, screw them!”

Maynor then attempted to post a blog entry from his MacBook Pro, which had powered down its fan an hour before, leading him to scald his palms.

“Ow! Son of a bitch!”

Serlet declined to comment on rumors that, in lieu of delivering anti-patches to John Dvorak, Apple was just going to stick some angry muskrats down his shorts.

While several sites did report a smatter of news, analysts agree that nothing of consequence happened in the Apple world today.

Indeed, the day was so inconsequential, that sources in Cupertino say tumbleweeds were seen to blow across Infinite Loop as CEO Steve Jobs and COO Tim Cook stood and watched.

“It’s quiet,” Jobs noted.

“Yeah,” Cook agreed, chewing a piece of straw. “Too quiet.”

Despite the utter lack of activity on the Apple campus, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller’s bulletin board still held an ironically-captioned sticker claiming “If you think this place is dead now, you should see it around quitting time.”

The Apple campus wasn’t the only place where nothing was happening. Third-party software developers, iPod accessory makers and other peripheral manufacturers had all but taken the day off.

At the Wall Street Journal, Walt Mossberg took a three hour nap. Across town at the New York Times, David Pogue leaned back in his chair and tossed pencils into the ceiling tiles.

Apple didn’t so much decline to comment for this story as it really just didn’t have anything to say.

“Phewwww,” Jobs breathed.

“Eeeeyup,” Cook sighed.