Category: Apple Community

In an event that has been hailed throughout the Apple community, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, technology columnist John Dvorak and Rob Enderle [EDITOR’S NOTE: Whatever he is. He can’t be a consultant, right? I mean who would pay for that? Fish? Is he a fish? What the hell is he? Beats the hell out of me. I know “mammal” isn’t right. Let’s just say he’s a fish.] have all somehow managed to get their tongues stuck to a cold metal pipe in North Dakota.

Farmer Randall McKay witnessed the event and recounted it while standing a safe distance away from the scene, his breath fogging in the cold air.

“I seen Enderle there walk by first. He seemed headed straight across the field at first but then saw the spigot I use ta do the waterin’. Not sure why he decided ta lick it. No explanin’ a technology jerk.”

McKay said Ballmer stumbled by next and became likewise ensnared and was followed shortly thereafter by Dvorak.

“I meant ta take that pipe outta there,” said McKay, “after one o’ Jedd Clawson’s cows got stuck ta it last year. Ya never heard so much painful mooin’. Well, until now, a-course.”

Despite the bizarre sight of three big names in the technology world mooing woefully, their tongues stuck to a cold metal pipe, McKay took it in stride.

“Not a lot o’ people know this, but this is where technology jerks come from. And they always come back, usually to breed. Or, in the case o’ Enderle there, to spawn. They don’t come to do that until spring a-course when the trophy wives are in heat, but sometimes the vast open prairie beckons them with its siren’s song.

“Or, other times city folk’ll drive ’em out here and just shove ’em outta the car.”

Sheriff and animal control warden Dave Rohrbacker arrived to assess the situation.

“Clearly we’re not dealing with bright animals, here,” said Rohrbacker.

“We could just rip them off the pipe, but there’s nothing more dangerous than a wounded technology jerk.

“Except, of course, for a bear. Or a badger. Or a… poodle. Or… well, OK, there’s a lot of things more dangerous. But few more annoying.

“It’s a pity, but we might have to euthanize them.”

Rohrbacker headed back to his patrol car, which sported a sticker that read “NDMUG”, to get his shotgun.

With the drama of the Apple iPhone announcement at Macworld Expo last week, another notable event sadly went relatively unnoticed.

ZDNet blogger George Ou, who visited the expo exhibit floor, was bestowed a richly deserved wedgie by the Apple Community.

Ou is the second person to receive the highly coveted Apple Community Wedgie, the first having been delivered to Michael Dell in 2001.

“The Wedgie recognizes an individual who has gone above and beyond the call of jackassitude in his or her relationship with the Apple community,” said Daring Fireball’s John Gruber. “George was this year’s recipient for his paranoid ranting about Apple’s supposedly orchestrated smear campaign against David Maynor and Jon Ellch and his many invocations of Artie MacStrawman.

“Kudos to you, George. Well done.”

Once Ou was spotted on the showroom floor, Gruber and Crazy Apple Rumors Site Editor-In-Chief John Moltz discussed delivering the wedgie themselves, but eventually decided the job would best be handled by Fake Steve and the Macalope, in case there was any resulting litigation.

Ou may have had the last laugh, however, as he said shortly after the wedgie-ing that he liked a “snug fit” anyway and did not intend to make any “adjustments.”

“I’m good,” Ou said, running a hand across his waistband.

Indeed, those who know Ou indicated that his pants are always hiked up extraordinarily high, his belt well above his navel.

Apple declined to comment for this story and asked, again, that we stop calling.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has an exclusive look at MacHeist next promotion.

Following up on the current and somewhat controversial “Week of Independent Mac Developers” bundle, MacHeist will offer a “Week of Sweatshop Mac Developers”.

According to advanced copy received by CARS, the promotion will honor the Mac sweatshop development houses in the third world.

Enjoying your Macintosh experience? There may be one ingredient you’ve been missing out on: the many cut-rate products created by the Mac community’s extremely overworked sweatshop software development community.

That’s why we’re declaring this The Week of the Sweatshop Mac Developer, and in an effort to spread the word about these cheap knock-offs, we’ve put together a collection of some of the most unethically developed software available on the Mac for a steeply discounted 49 cents.

Irene Camacho, an 11-year-old worker in a Mac software sweatshop on the Mariana Islands said she was pleased with the MacHeist promotion.

“The large and rather sweaty men who run the shop say the $5,000 they received from MacHeist will buy ten more children to help with the work,” Camacho said, her right hand spasming uncontrollably from carpal tunnel syndrome.

Some first world software developers, however, expressed outrage over what they say is MacHeist’s exploitation.

VoodooPad developer Gus Mueller said “For every dollar a developer makes on this deal, MacHeist makes 25. Also, part of the contract says they get to punch you in the groin. What’s that about?”

MacHeist spokesman Joe Casasanta defended the deal, claiming that many of the bundle purchasers are actually software reviewers who don’t realize they can get evaluation copies for free. He also said that the Magic Kitten of MacHeist Goodwill will confer on each developer plus 15 charisma points, which will result in many future sales.

MacHeist’s “Week of Sweatshop Developers” will run all next week, or until too many third world children expire from stress to make it palatable.

Having previously stolen key product ideas from Watson, Kaleidoscope and others, sources indicate that Apple has now stolen the concept for MacZOT!

Documents obtained by Crazy Apple Rumors Site show that after the holiday buying season, Apple intends to keep sales brisk by implementing MacZOT!’s patented (pending) methods for moving units without actually making any money.

An angry MacZOT! founder Brian Ball lashed out at Apple in a tirade excessively laden with both expletives and gratuitous exclamation marks.

“DamnIT!” Ball shouted. “This is BullSHIT!

“I invented the art of not making any money and Apple knows it.”

The documents indicate that Apple has several promotions it is preparing to lay out at Macworld in January.

• 100 video iPods will be sold for $1 each.
• A $25 license for either Final Cut Express, Logic Express or Aperture, depending on your blood type.
• A mystery bundle for $5 that includes five Apple products, at least one of which is an Xserve.

Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller said Apple believes the promotions will raise the profile of the company’s products.

“We’re going to lose money on these things hand over fist,” Schiller said. “But we’ll make it up in the long run.

“Uh… somehow.

“We haven’t really figured out how. Probably can’t call Brian and ask him. He seems kind of mad.”

Ball reiterated that he is indeed mad and that he does not want Schiller to call him.

The Mac community was shaken today by an event of earth-shattering proportions, the news of which spread like wildfire.

An event bigger than the poor working conditions for Chinese workers making the iPod, bigger than the wireless hacking controversy, bigger than Apple’ stock options problem.

According to a report by Radar Online, Apple has decided to drop Justin Long, the actor who plays the Mac in the “I’m a Mac” ad campaign.

The news left the Macintosh community stunned.

It then left it in denial.

And then angry.

And finally itchy.

“Well, this is just great,” said TidBITS managing editor Jeff Carlson. “Now how am I supposed to anthropomorphize my Mac? Apple has left its entire user base in the lurch.”

Sighing heavily, Carlson said “Well… I guess I could just go back to thinking of it as Jennifer Connelly. There wasn’t anything wrong with that, if you know what I mean.”

As Carlson called up his own contingency plan, other users were uncertain where to turn for solace in this darkest of hours. Apple is reportedly considering asking Ellen Feiss to conduct some counseling session with Mac users.

“As the biggest Apple TV commercial personality, Ellen is uniquely qualified to soothe Mac users with her lost-in-the-fog voice and droopy eyes,” said Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.

“Or, if she’s not available, we can just get one of those stoner chicks from the AV room at John Glenn High in Mt. Vernon Ohio. No one will notice the difference.”