Category: Apple Community

Hey! Who wants to party like it’s August, 2006?!

Wait! Wait! Don’t go! Baby, I promise it’ll be better this time! It’ll be different! Seriously, baby, this totally isn’t a thing for me! I can kick this any time I want!

Look, see, I won’t talk about it for five minutes.

Look.

See?

This is me not talking about it.

OK?

Uh…

OK?

Um…

So…

Uh…

Er…

…

George Ou.

OK. OK. That was only thirty seconds. But I thought I heard you say “David Maynor”, so… I don’t know… I thought you wanted to play word association.

Anyway, I’ve got great news!

We’re gettin’ the band back together!

Ou! Krebs! Gruber! The Macalope! Maynor! Ellch! Fox! Fleishman! Uh… Charlie! Jim! Um… er… Gordy! Stinky! Automatic Slim! Legolas! And Michael Caine (he’s in everything)!

Yes, all the characters you knew and loved (or loathed, as the case may be) from Security Bitch Watch 1.0 are back!

What’s brought them together? Why, today’s announcement of an Airport exploit!

This launched a chain reaction of blog posts…

Krebs!

Gruber!

Ou!

Macalope!

Gruber again!

Fleishman!

Elmo!

Uh, wait…

Well, anyway, baby, the heat, the fire, the passion, the love… it’s all back!

OK, not the love…

Something else.

What’s the blogging equivalent of poodles in tutus jumping through hoops?

It doesn’t matter.

Look, baby…

Baby, baby, baby…

Just give it one more chance.

C’mon.

You know you love it, baby.

In the wake of MacAddict’s decision to change its name to Mac|Life, another venerable Mac news source has also decided to change its name.

Earlier today, Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber announced that “In order to better reflect its focus on news about deceased film maker Stanley Kubrick and playoff-eliminated baseball team the New York Yankees, I have decided to rename the site Stanley Yankeeball.”

According to Gruber, the site’s Apple focus was appropriate in a different age when the desktop operating system mattered, but now that the Internet is the new operating system there’s no point in covering Apple or OS X. Or Microsoft or Windows for that matter.

“It’s all so pointless,” Gruber sighed, waiting for a burrito to finish microwaving so his Airport connection would come back up and he could regain access to “the new operating system.”

The site will still provide the occasional tidbits of Apple, BBEdit and Movable Type news, as well as the usual 3,000 word rants about misplaced menu items and inappropriate custom control widgets.

“That I don’t think I could stop doing if I wanted to,” Gruber admitted.

Gruber said the change will take place as soon as he is able to gain the domain name stanleyyankeeball.net. In an ironic twist to this story, Whois reveals that yourstanleyyankeeballlife.net is already owned by Shawn King.

MacAddict editor Rik Myslewski confirmed over the weekend that MacAddict will change its name to Mac|Life early next year.

If the name sounds familiar, it should, according to Your Mac Life host Shawn King.

“Uh, yeah,” King said. “Sitting right here in the Your Mac Life studios having hosted Your Mac Life for over four years and serving it up via the domain name www.yourmaclife.com. Sitting right exactly here!

“I’m drinking my beer out of a Your Mac Life mug fer chrissake!” a visibly agitated King shouted, lifting his beer-filled mug as evidence.

“I’m sorry,” King said, sipping his beer. “It just… really ticks me off.”

A spokesperson for Future US, the company that publishes MacAddict, backtracked today, perhaps in a sign the company did not realize the name was already taken.

“If you look closely at the name,” vice president of public relations Ned Hollings said, “you’ll see that there’s a vertical bar between Mac and Life. That bar isn’t silent.”

Hollings declined to say how the bar is pronounced, however, prompting rampant speculation on the MacAddict forums. One poster believed that the bar should be pronounced with the tongue click used in certain African and South American indigenous languages. Others insisted that it was pronounced “mother fucking”, indicating that, despite Myslewski’s comments indicating Mac|Life would be a more mature version of MacAddict, it will still have an “in your face” attitude.

King was not appeased by Hollings’ statement, however, and mumbled something about “Nashville boys” and “medieval on your ass” in between taking long angry draughts from his Your Mac Life mug.

Over the past several years, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has been monitoring a frightening trend, one that impacts almost every member of the Mac community.

According the research conducted by the Crazy Apple Rumors Site Labs in conjunction with the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, the Mac web universe is shrinking, losing an average of one web site a year.

According to MIT’s Dr. Ranjit Vij, the Mac web universe may be trapped in a collapsing warp bubble that is forcing it to inexorably shrink in size.

Many trace the start of this trend to the disappearance of Bite.org – an “in your face”/”use your toothbrush” Mac rumors site – that went defunct back in late 2001.

More recently it was PerversionTracker in 2004, As the Apple Turns in 2005 and now, in 2006, Drunken Batman has gone silent.

A silence which we here find ominous.

Which site will be next? Daring Fireball? The Unofficial Apple Weblog?

Or Crazy Apple Rumors?

And why is it always the good ones that die too soon? Why not MacOSRumors or PowerPage?

I just…

It’s just that…

Oh, god, I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I DON’T WANT TO…

…

Sorry.

It’s just… very scary, you know?

I mean, no one even remembers the spectacular Mac rumor site done by Dr. Dalen Quaice anymore.

I don’t want to go out that way.

But there is a disturbing portent to this phenomenon.

Go to Apple’s new Leopard page and you’ll see an X fly in with a snow leopard print background. But hover your cursor over the X and move your scroll wheel and you’ll see the X fly away leaving nothing but a black emptiness.

Is it message?

Or more meaningless eye candy?

Or is it a message wrapped in meaningless eye candy?

Keep watching the web.

He has been called a “forward-looking analyst.”

A “respected technology pundit.”

An “endless font of quotes you can get quickly on deadline.”

And a “clueless monkey dick sucking numbskull.”

But who is Rob Enderle?

After Enderle was quoted in numerous articles about the Microsoft Zune noting how wicked boss it’s going to be, Crazy Apple Rumors Site conducted an in-depth look into this technology industry mover and shaker.

Rob Enderle was raised by a family of rabid weasels living under miner Earl Schmight’s trailer in the Happy Havens trailer park in Upper Turkeyfoot, Penn.

“I remember Rob running around here as a youngster,” Schmight said. “I’d yell at him ‘GIT OFF DA DAG BURN FORD FAIRLANE, ENDERLE! GOD DAMMIT, YOU’RE GONNA END UP NOTHIN’ BUT A HACK TECHNOLOGY PUNDIT!'”

Spitting on the ground, Schmight said “Turns out I was right.”

According to sources, Enderle learned everything he knows about technology by watching a turn-of-the-century stereopticon of two monkeys mating. Some time around 1995, Enderle lay wallowing in a mosquito-infested bog in south Florida when inspiration hit him. Rising from the sludge, Enderle uttered the words that would define his career: “Microsoft good. Apple bad.”

Park Ranger David Marchesi witnessed the event.

“He stood up right over there,” Marchesi said, pointing to a fetid pool of swamp ooze.

“Scared the bejeezus out of me.

“Snakes. Lizards. Alligators. Your occasional swamp thing. Those I can handle. But I don’t cotton to those technology pundits. No sir, I do not.”

Enderle has made a substantial name for himself* using the tried and true “No one ever got fired for recommending Microsoft” principle. What has earned him such enmity in the Macintosh community is his seemingly willful misunderstanding of anything Apple.

“It’s like reading the analysis of a meth-addled circus poodle,” said John C. Welch.

“I mean, seriously, how consistently wrong can one person be and still get called for an opinion?

“NO! Don’t end the article! I need someone to answer that question for me! HOW WRONG DOES HE HAVE TO BE?! BECAUSE I JUST DON’T GET IT!”

* “Asshole.”