Category: Apple Executives

Editing a respected Mac web site…

What?!

Why does everyone laugh when I say that?!

Ahem.

I’ll start again.

Editing a respected Mac web site means occasionally taking a position that is unpopular.

The G4 Cube is overpriced. iPod Socks are stupid. Steve Jobs killed a guy, ate his internal organs and wore his flesh like a coat as a warning of his fierceness to his many enemies (that, actually, turned to not be true, but the point is we were unpopular when we reported it).

But there is probably no more unpopular position I have taken as CARS editor than this: Larry, your continued infatuation with Ellen Feiss is not healthy and may be ruining your marriage.

But, if we leave out Larry Sterwutz of Rock Falls, Illinois, the next least popular position is our continued insistence that Steve Wozniak is just no good.

OK, OK, settle down.

Wozniak is probably the most fluffed Apple celebrity there is. While Jobs gets more praise, he also gets a lot of criticism. Wozniak is uniformly treated like a great big teddy bear that is just so snuggle-ums and wuv-ums wherever he goes.

Frankly, it’s enough to make me hurl.

Today, for example, John Gruber asked “How can anyone not love Woz?”

Now, this is clearly a personal shot at me. And, probably, WozBot 3000, the anti-Woz killer robot from the future. But, while WozBot is fueled by an irrational killer rage (and plutonium), I actually have a solid basis for my anti-Woz stance, which I will now detail.

Consider this the CARS anti-Woz manifesto.

• This so-called “other” Steve detracts attention from our one true god, Steve Jobs.
• Did you see his appearance on the Colbert Report? He’s nuts!
• Let’s turn John Gruber’s question around – how can any rational person love someone who rides a Segway? Hmm? You can’t! It’s impossible!
• Someone named Steve who worked at Apple in 1982 killed a guy, ate his internal organs and wore his flesh like a coat as a warning of his fierceness to his many enemies. We now know it wasn’t Steve Jobs but it could have been Wozniak. Can we afford to take that chance?
• He totally didn’t even write iWoz. And it’s supposed to be his autobiography! That’s like the laziest form of plagiarism ever!
• Sources close to Wozniak say he doesn’t floss as often as he should.
• Anyone who’s ever kissed him full on the lips knows that that beard is really itchy.

So, you Woz apologists can drone on and on about how he invented the first Apple computer and he’s an eccentric genius and I’m just a stupid rumors site editor who never invented anything and who the hell am I to nay-say the great Woz? Bitch.

And those are all valid points. Except for the bitch part.

But when you’re stuck in Woz’s underground lair and he’s slowly peeling your flesh off and eating your spleen, don’t come crying to Johnny.

Sadly, it has come to our attention that if Steve Jobs were traveling northbound on de Anza Blvd riding on the back of Steve Wozniak’s dorky-assed Segway at 5 MPH and a semi truck filled with sheet metal, broken glass and rabid raccoons was traveling southbound on de Anza Blvd at 175 MPH, and the two collided, Jobs would probably be killed.

And, I guess, so would Wozniak.

Which, I guess, would be sad and all.

But, whatever, let’s get back to Jobs.

Steve Jobs is perhaps the most valuable asset Apple has. More valuable than the Mac, more valuable than the iPod and more valuable than the alien technology the company stole from Xerox in 1978.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has seen the writing on the wall. A little less than a year ago, Tim Cook was promoted to Chief Operating Office in a move that many saw has positioning him to take over should Jobs be forced to step down, disappear mysteriously or just go all King George.

Or, for that matter, go all Boy George. Nobody wants to see that either.

With Cook standing in the wings, it is up to us as Apple fanatics to make sure that he is successful should the need arise for him to ascend to the Apple throne. He will face withering media criticism for the singular flaw of not being Steve Jobs. We need to have his back.

As the site largely responsible for developing the cult of Phil Schiller, Crazy Apple Rumors Site is taking it upon itself to lead the charge to “sex up” Tim Cook.

We know we can count on your full support in this endeavor.

Now, let’s take a look at what we’ve got to work with.

…

Oh, for…

Oh, come on!

What is that?

Sheesh.

OK, Ugluk, put another pot of coffee on. This is gonna be a long night.

If you’ve got suggestions for sexing up Tim Cook, please post them in the comments.

I mean…

C’mon! We’re not miracle workers!

Sources close to Apple CEO Steve Jobs indicate that in preparation for tomorrow’s Special Event, Jobs will be getting it on tonight.

After some lackluster reviews of Jobs’ performance at WWDC, company executives wanted to make sure the Apple CEO was as relaxed as possible for tomorrow’s Special Event (which, by the way, will introduce a movie download service, new video iPods across the board – including somehow a video iPod shuffle – and a streaming video Airport thing that will make you squeal like a little girl).

“I spoke with Laurene [Jobs] personally, and she assured me there would be nooky between the Jobses tonight,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.

“And… um… while she was unwilling to commit to it, she did indicate that she was open to ‘seconds’ should Steve still feel a little tense.”

While Jobs’ subordinates have never before taken a professional interest in the mercurial CEO’s personal friskiness, they have delved into other aspects of his life, including his diet, his weight and his spiritual well-being.

“We just really care about Steve,” Schiller said.

Pausing Schiller added “It’s not like we’re going out and getting him hooker backups or anything. That totally wasn’t even discussed.

“For more than, like, ten or fifteen minutes.”

The Jobs’ declined to comment for this story, but there was a sign on their home reading “If the mansion’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.”

Just days after CNN host Kyra Phillips forgot to turn off her microphone and was heard on-the-air in the bathroom, a recording of Apple CEO Steve Jobs in the bathroom at WWDC has surfaced.

Sources on the sound crew at WWDC forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site a recording of a conversation between Jobs and Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller – which apparently took place just after the keynote – in the Moscone Center men’s room.

---

JOBS: [Whistling what sounds like John Lennon’s Imagine.]

[Sound of the bathroom door opening.]

SCHILLER: Steve!

JOBS: Oh! Hi, Phil.

[The sound of a zipper being opened]

SCHILLER: Good… good keynote!

JOBS: Yeah? You think? I thought it might have been a little… flat.

SCHILLER: Oh, no! No! No. No. Well… no. We killed ’em with the iChat bit.

JOBS: Heh. Yeah. Yeah.

SCHILLER: Heh-heh. Yeaaaaaah.

[A prolonged silence followed by more whistling.]

JOBS: Sooo…

SCHILLER: Sooo…

JOBS: Uh… see that… game… last night?

SCHILLER: Uh, hockey doesn’t start until October.

JOBS: Oh. Isn’t there… baseball or something?

SCHILLER: Nyeah, but the Sox are…

JOBS: The… Sox?

SCHILLER: The Red Sox.

JOBS: Oh. I’ve heard of them. I like that Damon guy.

SCHILLER: Uh… yeah. He’s, um… not… well. Yeah.

[A prolonged silence followed by more whistling.]

SCHILLER: I’m just realizing this but… we’ve never… been in the bathroom at the same time before.

JOBS: No. I guess you’re right.

SCHILLER: How is that possible? We’ve been working together for a long time.

JOBS: Well, I don’t go to the bathroom at Apple.

SCHILLER: You… don’t…

JOBS: No. I find that if I have a full bladder, I work better. I have a bigger sense of urgency in everything I do.

SCHILLER: Oh. Wow. That’s… that’s cool. Sort of twisted zen kind of thing. Maybe I should try…

JOBS: I’m so messing with you.

SCHILLER: Wha… Oh! Ha-ha! Ahhh, you got me!

JOBS: Yeah. I don’t really do that.

[A prolonged silence followed by more whistling.]

SCHILLER: So, what’s the deal with [VP of platform experience Scott] Forstall?

JOBS: The… deal?

SCHILLER: Yeah. Kind of an attitude problem.

JOBS: Oh. I hadn’t noticed.

SCHILLER: Yeah, I was talking about it with Peter.

JOBS: Hmm, well, I haven’t experienced that. I did notice he smells like feet.

SCHILLER: Oh. My. God! What is that?!

JOBS: I’m guessing it’s his feet.

SCHILLER: Oh, man, I hope so!

JOBS: Ha-ha!

SCHILLER: Ha-ha!

[The sound of a bathroom stall opening followed by sharp footsteps.]

FORSTALL: I have a condition!

[Sharp footsteps followed by the sound of the bathroom door opening then closing.]

SCHILLER: Did you see that?

JOBS: I did.

SCHILLER: He didn’t wash his hands.

JOBS: Tsk.

SCHILLER: Tsk. And on top of that, he’s got an attitude problem.

JOBS: Yeah, I heard that. Oh… hey… wait a minute. Is this microphone still on?

---

You know, I often feel compelled to provide some kind of analysis for these transcripts but I’m just never sure where to go.

A reader report on MacInTouch reveals that Apple CEO Steve jobs has taken a personal interest in the fulfillment of PowerBook and iBook battery replacement orders.

But beyond simply making sure the orders of people who bother him personally are filled, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Jobs himself is personally fulfilling each and every of the 1.8 million orders.

“Steve just really wanted to do this, said Peter Mehring, head of Mac hardware engineering.

“He hates to let down Apple’s customers so he’s personally going door to door to deliver these new batteries.

“Plus, he, uh… well, he fired the whole fulfillment team about three months ago, so…”

According to PowerBook and iBook owners, Jobs has been gracious during his deliveries.

Mac user Andrew Corvin said “Steve said that he was really excited about these new batteries because they don’t explode and that he was sure I would be surprised and delighted about not being burned beyond recognition.

“And you know what? I was!”

Jobs could not be reached for comment for this story, as he was somewhere out on delivery between S. Hosmer and 48th in Santa Barbara.