Category: Apple Executives

Responding to recent speculation that CEO Steve Jobs might be ill, Apple announced today that the mercurial one is feeling just fine.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reached Apple vice president of worldwide corporate communications Katie Cotton and got the skinny on Jobs’ health status.

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CARS: Ms. Cotton, there’s been a lot of loose talk around the Mac community that Steve Jobs’ modest performance at last week’s WWDC keynote might mean that he’s not well. Apple today attempted to pour cold water that, but what can you tell us? Is Steve OK?

COTTON: OK? He’s better than OK. He’s a dynamic, forceful individual with the ability to drive his vision in a complex technological marketplace. He plays an integral role in management of Apple, Pixar and Disney itself, all while doing one-armed pushups. He bakes his own bread and makes his own blender mayonnaise. He is capable of sudden bursts of tremendous speed and can leap great distances in a single bound.

CARS: Oh. Wow. It sounds like Steve’s in peak condition.

COTTON: “Peak condition”? Feh. He more than peak. He’s hovering god-like hundreds of feet above the peak. Why, just the other day I saw him crush a Ford Fairlane with his bare hands.

CARS: What? He… you’re making that up.

COTTON: I am not. He is a mighty being, such as a titan. A giant among men.

CARS: Wait, why did he crush a Ford Fairlane?

COTTON: It was in his parking space.

CARS: Oh. Oh, my god, the driver wasn’t still in it, was he?

COTTON: No, no, no. Steve is a benevolent god. Quick to anger, but ultimately compassionate. Fiercely protective, but not vengeful.

CARS: He sounds complex.

COTTON: He is. He also likes to do sudoku!

CARS: Oh, wow! So do I!

COTTON: Mmm, yes, well, the ones Steve does are 3^100 cells across. So… it’s not really the same as the so-called “sudoku” you do, now, is it?

CARS: Uh… I… guess not. Um, I see that you’ve released Steve’s medical records as proof of his fitness.

COTTON: Yes. We understand that Steve is an iconic figure for Mac users and we want to assure them that he still rules their world supremely.

CARS: Ah. I’m sure that will be… quite… uh… quite…

COTTON: I think the word you’re looking for is “reassuring.”

CARS: Well, no, actually. I was looking for something more like “demeaning.” But let’s go through Steve’s medical report.

COTTON: OK.

CARS: Now, you’ve listed his height as 8′ 3″.

COTTON: Mmm-hmm.

CARS: Now, I’ve seen Steve and he is not 8 feet tall.

COTTON: Is so.

CARS: Is not.

COTTON: Is so.

CARS: [sigh] OK. Let’s move on. You’ve got his heart rate as 3 beats per minute. That seems a little low for a mammal.

COTTON: No. Steve has achieved a zen-like state of inner peace that allows him to lower the rate of all of his bodily functions. In this manner, he will live to be 500 years old.

CARS: As that’s just idle speculation, I’ll let that go.

COTTON: 500 years old. And by then he’ll be the size of a mighty oak, with massive arms that sweep all into his loving embrace.

CARS: Whatever. I just want to ask about one more thing. It says here that “when pricked for a blood sample, instead of blood a bright light spilled from Mr. Jobs’ skin that bathed all in the room in its warm, pure and somehow sexually fulfilling glow.” Now…

COTTON: What?

CARS: There’s nothing you’d like to correct or tone down about that?

COTTON: I believe that speaks for itself. Steve Jobs is the wellspring from which all life flows.

CARS: …

COTTON: What?!

CARS: Well… thanks for your time, Ms. Cotton.

COTTON: Always a pleasure. We should have lunch.

CARS: Yeah, I don’t think so.

As the investigation in potential stock option irregularities continues, Apple’s current and former senior executives have begun to seek legal counsel.

Former Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen has lawyered up, hiring representation from the firm Arguedas, Cassman & Headley. AC&H in turn has hired another law firm that specializes in technology industry stock options – Shea, Thurston & Greaves.

In a bizarre turn of events, ST&G then hired Heinen as a “subject matter expert.”

“Hey, wait a minute!” Heinen exclaimed, looking up from her legal pad suddenly, in the middle of taking her own deposition. “This isn’t right!”

CEO Steve Jobs claimed today that none of his options were backdated, but he did admit to changing a B- to a B+ on his high school report card using a fine point El Marko.

“The sad thing was, it was gym,” Jobs said nodding sardonically.

“Eeeyup. Gym.

“Mr. Stykowski… did not like me.”

In an effort to protect his assets, former head of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein ate his stock options earlier today.

“They’ll never get them now!” a defiant Rubinstein said, shoving company stock option statements into his mouth.

Rubinstein admitted that he may have trouble “exercising” his options at a later date.

Apple declined to comment officially, but the company has always advocated maintaining a high fiber diet.

According to sources, Apple CEO Steve Jobs’ younger brother Randy is “really excited” about the 2007 line of Kia automobiles.

A senior sales rep at Joe Kerley Lincoln Mercury Jeep Kia, Randy Jobs is a passionate advocate of the Kia line who reportedly generates sales using his patented “reality distortion field.”

Jobs was characteristically cool about his sales acumen.

“I think we’re having fun. I think our customers really like our products. And we’re always trying to do better.”

Speaking to Ted and Martha Luchasi of Sunnyvale and their children Aaron and Madison, the younger Jobs smiled and said “We think you’re going to love the new Kias.

“And here’s why…”

Jobs listed the Sedona’s five-star crash safety rating as well as the Sorento’s sturdy ladder frame construction before taking the Luchasis on a test drive and demonstrating the car’s numerous features.

After the test drive, Jobs was joined by sales assistant Bob Schiller who performed a Sedona vs. Toyota Sienna bake-off.

Before retiring to the sales lounge at Joe Kerley Lincoln Mercury Jeep Kia to check with his manager on pricing, Randy Jobs paused, putting his hands together in a steeple with the tips of his index fingers on his lips.

“Oh, and one more thing…” he said to the Luchasis, pausing for dramatic effect.

“We offer the undercoating protection on all 2007 Kias… absolutely free.”

When contacted for this story, Apple refused to admit that Steve Jobs has a younger brother.

In an interesting turn of events, several sites reported today that Apple has filed for a trademark on the name “Mac Pro.” Analysts contacted by Crazy Apple Rumors Site today say that – in light of the recent name changes from PowerPC-based Macs to Intel-based Macs – this can only mean one thing.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs is changing his name to “Mac Pro.”

This bizarre news was taken as yet another sign of Jobs’ famously megalomaniacal nature.

“This really just goes to show Jobs’ arrogance,” said technology columnist Glenn Fleishman. “The true Mac pros are the coders, the design geeks and the hackers.

“What does Steve do? A couple of Keynote presentations a year? Pff.”

Many suspected that Jobs’ attempt to claim “le Mac, c’est moi” would backfire, starting a wave of anti-Jobs hysteria throughout the Mac community.

“Apple has been enjoying a string of successes,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue. “It would be a shame for the company to now alienate its most valuable resource – its dedicated fan base – simply to satisfy the ego of its chief executive.

“Who, apparently, wants people to refer to himself as ‘Mac Pro.’

“Hmm. I wonder if there’s some other explanation for this. ‘Cause that seems kind of weird, even for Jobs.”

The move is not unprecedented, however. Former Apple CEO Michael Spindler, for example, insisted for three months in the summer of 1995 that all Mac users refer to him as “Princess Glenda of the Wood.”

Jobs is expected to make the announcement of his new name at Apple’s Worldwide Developers Conference in August.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that former Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen was released from the firm after failing to produce a pair of testicles.

According to sources within Apple’s Human Resources department, Heinen was asked by CEO Steve Jobs to provide validation that she did, in fact, have the pair of testicles that were explicitely listed as a requirement for employment in her contract with the firm.

“Apple has a strict policy that its senior executives be male,” a source said.

Heinen reportedly snuck in by cleverly exploiting a legal loophole by claiming that she owned a pair of testicles, even though they were not attached to her body.

“We also prefer our executive to be white,” the source added.

Indeed, perusing Apple’s recently updated executive profiles page indicates that, while all the current executives appear to have testicles, only Sina Tamaddon appears to be non-white. Unfortunately – and this may be a bad indicator for Tamaddon – while all the other executives’ links go to a brief biography and a high-resolution photo, only Tamaddon’s goes to just the photo.

As it is difficult then to determine his ethnicity, this has lead many Apple followers to conclude that Tamaddon is either a space alien or a robot.

Or both.

Heinen’s image, of course, was hastily removed from the page recently after a suspicious CEO Steve Jobs finally confronted her about the testicles.

“We knew, of course, that Nancy was a woman,” Jobs said. “But she long assured us that she had a pair of testicles that she kept in a safety deposit box somewhere.

“She didn’t tell me where she got them and I didn’t ask.”

When push came to shove, however, Heinen was either unwilling or unable to produce a pair of testicles. Late in April, Heinen reportedly stalled for time by saying that she had “loaned out the testicles to a friend who had forgotten to return them and then went on vacation and [she] couldn’t get a hold of them.”

“Them” apparently meaning either the friend or the testicles. Apple’s male board members were apparently not impressed as they are usually quickly able to get a hold of their testicles.

The company has begun an executives search for a replacement for Heinen. The job posting reportedly reads “must have own – attached – testicles.

“Prefer that they be white.”