Category: Apple Executives

Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein, just two weeks away from his retirement, is still searching for the perfect means to go out in a blaze of glory.

Rubinstein believes that – while he could retire with his dignity in tact – it’d be a hell of a lot more fun to make some waves on his way out.

“And I’ve only got ten more working days to pick just the right thing,” Rubinstein noted. “I want to make this good.”

The man responsible for much of the success of the iPod is reportedly considering sexually harassing a co-worker, showing up to work late and drunk every day and falling asleep in staff meetings and walking around with his fly down asking everyone if they feel a breeze, or just telling off CEO Steve Jobs.

“Man, I’d like to give that guy a piece of my mind,” Rubinstein said, grinding his teeth and shaking his fist. “Stupid black turtleneck… stupid jeans…

“And what’s he gonna do? Fire me?!”

Rubinstein noted that the trunk of his 1998 blue Saturn is already full of office supplies, but he considers that more along the lines of “retirement compensation” than “sticking it to the man.”

“I’m pretty sure they factor this stuff in when you get hired,” Rubinstein said. “I mean, where do you think those sites that sell Apple pens, Apple note pads, Apple folders and other quality Apple office products get their stuff? Ex-Apple employees who drive off with trunkloads of this junk.

“I heard Fred Anderson backed a truck up and drove off with 4,000 binders. That’s what I heard.”

Rubinstein plans to pick and implement his flame-out in the next few days in anticipation of being asked to take the following week off on paid leave.

The government reported today that U.S. productivity fell at a -0.5 annual rate in the fourth quarter and, as if to accentuate this decline, several junior Apple executives were seen standing on de Anza Blvd. whipping pennies at passing cars this afternoon.

Around 2:00 PM Pacific time, Worldwide Director of iPod Product Marketing Stan Ng, Senior Director of Desktop Product Marketing Tom Boger, Vice President of Application Marketing Rob Schoeben and several other unidentified junior Apple executives were standing along the main thoroughfare in front of the Apple campus drinking Mountain Dew fortified with rum. Periodically they pulled pennies out of their pockets and whipped them at passing cars, laughing derisively.

The group ran off only once when old man Jenkins stopped his 1960 Buick LeSabre to lean out the window and shake his fist at them.

“Goooooooood damn punks!” Jenkins yelled.

While old man Jenkins was willing to stand up to Ng and his posse, Apple’s senior executive corps has so far declined to.

“I’ve washed my hands of the whole thing,” said CEO Steve Jobs. “If they want to waste their lives by causing mischief, strutting about in those tight leather pants and riding around on those scooters… whaddaya call ’em… mopeds… that’s their decision.”

Asked why Jobs did not make sure that this behavior reflected negatively on their performance reviews, he laughed sardonically.

“Oh, please! Then they’d be moping around here, sighing heavily, stomping their feet and otherwise acting like ungrateful wretches. I’d rather have them out there on the street.

“I’d rather have them out there on the street!” Jobs shouted, pounding his fist on the table.

After a pause Jobs said “No, that’s terrible. I don’t mean that.”

Apple’s announcements Tuesday served to verify disturbing rumors from Apple that chief designer Jonathan Ive is completely out of ideas.

According to sources, the rectangular shape of the iPod Hi-Fi fits a pattern Ive has fallen into of resorting to products shaped like simple rectangles.

“The iPod? Rectangle. The G5 iMac? Rectangle. The Cinema Display? Rectangle.

Ive apologists have pointed to the Mac mini.

“When you look at the Mac mini from above, it’s a square,” said Kurt Rickenbacker, president of the Jonathan Ive Fan Club. “A square is not a rectangle.”

Sadly, the rules of geometry in this universe do not agree with Rickenbacker.

“A square is a kind of rectangle,” said Steve Howes, Professor of Mathematics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

After a long silence Howe said “Um… sorry?”

Sources within Apple product development say Ive has struggled lately to come up with solid designs that aren’t rectangles.

“Working on the iPod Hi-Fi was a trying time for Jon,” one source confided. “He spent hours holed up in his office, hunched over the drafting table, tossing one crumpled up piece of paper after another over his shoulder.

“Finally he came out and said ‘Ah, screw it. Let’s just make it a rectangle like everything else.”

Ive’s review, written by CEO Steve Jobs and forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site by disgruntled Apple human resources personnel, reads in part:

Jon needs to work on more shapes. For the past two years it’s been rectangle, rectangle, rectangle. We’d love to see Jon come up with a product shaped like, say, a rhombus or other parallelogram and then build his way back into non-linear shapes.

Ive has reportedly taken to staring at curved objects for long periods of time, hoping for inspiration.

The Macintosh community was devastated to learn today that Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein was devoured by beavers.

According to sources, the Apple executive was sitting quietly in his office when approximately a dozen vicious, killer beavers entered and completely consumed him.

“All I could see was Jon flailing his arms as he went down behind the desk,” said Rubinstein’s assistant, Rob Sanders. “Then there was this gnawing sound and those tails… flapping in the air…

“I don’t think I’ll ever forget those horrible tails.”

A visibly shaken Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook was uncertain how the beavers got as far as Rubinstein’s office.

“They apparently signed in and received badges and everything,” Cook said. “We’re going to, um, look into our security procedures.

“Won’t help Jon, though. Poor bastard.”

Other Apple executives were less matter-of-fact than Cook.

“Nooooooo!!!” screamed Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian, falling to his knees and tearing at his shirt. “Johnny! JOHN-NY!!!

“He was just six weeks from retirement! Why is it always the good ones?!”

Cupertino animal control is asking residents to keep an eye out for a gang of roving beavers.

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