I’m sorry. I really tried to work on something.
It’s just…
[sniff]…
I’m so broken up about this ZFS thing.
Seriously.
I’ve been crying about it for the last hour. I just…
I just hate to see it break up this family!
Please. I’m begging you. Find the love again!
Crazy Apple Rumors Site and Giant Squid Publishing, LLC, are proud to announce a new series of books written by Editor-In-Chief John Moltz! Dubbed the “Take Control of the Missing Manual for Dummies” series, these books will show you how to wallow in the gutters of the Apple community and be the biggest succubus you can be.
While other book series by other “authors” attempt to “inform” you about “features” and “ways” you can use software or hardware “products”, the Take Control of the Missing Manual for Dummies books will encourage you to let your id run amok through a vast technological landscape formed by people who actually do something for a living instead of living in their parents’ basement like you do.
Let’s take a look at the first two books in the Take Control of the Missing Manual for Dummies series!
Take Control of Being A Whiny-Assed Apple Customer The Missing Manual for Dummies will show you, the whiny-assed Apple customer how to leverage your inherent ability to bitch, bitch, bitch. Whaaaah! The iPod’s battery runs out after five years! Whaaaah! Apple bricked my iPhone after I took a soldering iron to it and installed a bunch of crap I downloaded from a Nigerian web site!
Sure, you already sound like fingernails on a blackboard to anyone within earshot, but how can you weasel your way up to annoying bloggers, members of the press and even Apple executives?
Read the book!
Next up:
Hey, who wants to get in on some of that sweet Apple lawsuit action?!
Everyone, that’s who!
But I hear you saying, John, I’m a Linux user and I don’t own an Apple product because I’m too fricking cheap to own a decent Unix-based desktop! Whaaaaah! I’m not going to score free money!
Well, that’s an Apple lawsuit right there! Hey, if someone can sue Apple for $1 million over a $200 price drop, you can surely sue them for the pain and suffering caused by seeing people prancing around with fancier Unix-based desktop systems.
Read the book!
For some reason these aren’t on Amazon yet, but keep checking back!
Any day now.
That’s what my agent says, anyway.
It’s been a while since the CARS gang’s been together, so I’m calling for a game party tonight.
Huh?
“Halo”?
What’s that?!
No way, man.
Marathon!
That’s right, beeotches! Masako’s got her fleet of vintage Macs, I’ve got the beer and the Entity/Jennifer fricking Connelly has the bag of chips! We are ready to lock, load and kick some Pfhor ass! We’re kickin’ it old school and rebootin’ frequently! We’re sortin’ our System extensions into groups and restartin’ with extreme prejudice! We’re enjoyin’ low res graphics using sprites instead of…
Wait, this sounds like ass. Why are we doing this again?
Oh, right! Marathon! Best! Game! Evah!
Pudding!
Hey, nothing tonight or tomorrow.
Because we’ve got pudding!
Aw, yum!
Oh, man, that is some damn good pudding!
See ya Monday!
Mmm…
With every day we draw closer to our prey. When we last reported in, we were working our way to the Waffle Triangle. It was there that we caught our first glimpse of the Entity attempting to reenter our dimension.
He was just a ghostly form, floating above the syrup bar. Kind of like Shatner in “The Tholian Web”. Except without the truss. I started to reach out for him but just then Madge came back with my side order of bacon and I was like “Ooh, bacon!” And then I looked up and he was gone.
But since then we’ve seen him five other times and we’ve identified a pattern to his appearances. It’s a swirling pattern coming out from the Waffle Triangle, like a great spiral galaxy.
Or, like water going down the toilet bowl.
Anyway, I’ve asked the staff to take the rest of the week off from the serious business of rumors to evaluate the pattern and plot the waffle restaurants in his path.
You know, you might think that after all these weeks I’d be tired of waffles and greasy pork products but, well, you’d be wrong.
So far the metal monstrosities that threaten the human race have yet to attack the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters (and they laughed at me when I insisted it be top-secret!). But my understanding is they’ve already begun their horrific rampage, so surely some of you have seen these dreadful creatures. Please tell your stories of your encounters in the comments.
CARS will return on Monday the 20th.