Category: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: Oh, man, I’m so glad I got a hold of you. I think… I think Apple’s stalking me.
A: Oh. Wow. That’s kind of… a big accusation. What are they doing? Did you get a call from Apple legal or something?
Q: No. No! It’s these emails! I get them like every day! New music, new iPods, your battery could explode… They won’t leave me alone! Some of them come while I’m sleeping and Mail makes that horrible, horrible sound and… I just can’t take it anymore!
A: Uh, well, you know you can unsubscribe to those.
Q: I can… what?
A: Unsubscribe. Like through your Apple ID settings.
Q: Oh.
A: Yeah. It’s pretty easy.
Q: OK. Well… that’s good. That’ll help. Just one more thing.
A: Sure.
Q: There’s someone in my shower. I think it’s Peter Oppenheimer. Can you tell me what he looks like?
A: Uh… early 50s. Looks a little like Shatner.
Q: Eeyup. That’s him.
A: Hmm. Yeah, you might be being stalked.

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Q: Come in. Come in. Can anyone respond on this frequency?
A: Uh… hello? Who is this?
Q: It’s Peter Oppenheimer.
A: Peter. Where are you man?
Q: I’m… not really sure. I seem to be trapped in some kind of… agony booth.
A: Peter. Peter. No, Peter. You’re having another Shatner fantasy. Have you been drinking?
Q: I… had some tranya…
A: How much “tranya”?
Q: Not that much. But I had a lot of Scotch with Scottie.
A: Peter…
Q: Oh, I know, I know. You said Scottie and Bones are dead and Sulu’s gay. But that’s because we’re in an alternate timeline and I can fix it if I can get! Out! Of this! Agony! Boooooth!
A: Peter…
Q: I don’t mean I’ll fix Sulu. There’s nothing wrong with Sulu. He’s a great guy. I’m not even mad about him bringing a sword onto the bridge that one time.
A: Peter, I want you to listen carefully to me. I want you to reach down to the knobs and turn the cold water on full.

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Q: Hello, my name is Wendell James, I am an attorney at James, Reynolds and Foster.
A: Ah, I know that Macs are rather popular in the legal world. What’s your problem.
Q: Ahhh, yes. Well, my “problem” is that James, Reynolds and Foster represent Paramount Pictures – the studio that owns Star Trek – and we would prefer it… well, we demand that you cease and desist…
A: Hey! They called me! I can’t help it if Peter Oppenheimer has a Shatner complex!
Q: What? Oh, no. It’s not about that. It’s about the “Hot, Green, Orion Bitches” web site you run.
A: Oh. Uh… is there a problem?

Every Friday,

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Q: I’ve been a Mac user for years and I’ve only recently become acquainted with the Getting Things Done methodology. Apparently there are a lot of Mac geeks who are really into this. There’s even been an OS X-only application that supports it. I’m confused.  If I’m a Mac cultist, have to be a Getting Things Done cultist as well?

A: Not necessarily.  The Getting Things Done cult is a subset of the greater Mac cult.  It’s kind of like a creamy filling.

Q: Ah.  So the whole thing is like a cult Twinkie.

A: Uh, no, no, no. I’d prefer it if you didn’t put it that way as the Cult of the Twinkie is trademarked and they’re highly litigious.

Q: Oh. Sorry. But, this isn’t anything crazy like the Scientologists, is it?

A: Oh, jeez, what are you trying to do to me? Why don’t you just bad-mouth the Free Masons and then we can get sued into oblivion?

Q: Oh. Well… OK. The Free Masons…

A: STOP IT!

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Q: I’m a recent switcher from Windows and I’ve been tooling around the Mac web, kind of getting myself acquainted… introducing myself around… you know, that kind of thing.

A: Well, welcome to the neighborhood! We’re glad to have you!

Q: Thanks. Thanks. Everyone’s been super-nice. I was just kind of wondering if there were any sites you could recommend for… well…

A: Yes?

Q: Well, what I’m looking for is… uh… I guess you’d call them MULFs.

A: “MULFs”?

Q: Yeah. You know… Mac Users I’d Like to Fuck.

A: Uh… was this something you had when you were on Windows? WULFs?

Q: No. No. I mean, Windows users are a dime a dozen, so there’s no big turn-on. But Mac users…

A: Well, sorry. I’m afraid I don’t know of any sites like that. That’s not the way we roll here in the Mac world.

Q: Oh. Sorry. I’ll… uh… well… thanks.

A: Hmph.

Q: …

A: …

MACGRUDER: Dude, you were just showing me Hot-N-Dirty-MULFs.com the other day.

A: Oh, like I’m going to tell him! Stupid Windows user!

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Q: I have a Mac mini and I recently got a Dell monitor for it. I had a little trouble hooking it up as I had to use an adapter. But it’s working fine now. So…

A: …

Q: Uh…

A: You want that URL again.

Q: Um… yes please.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Just one question today, but it’s a big one: What’s up with Security Bitch Watch?

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Q: I have a Power Mac G5 with 2 GB of RAM. I recently installed a new memory module and have been experiencing frequent crashing. But instead of talking about that, tell me… what’s the latest on Security Bitch Watch?

A: I was hoping you’d ask that!

Q: I know. You paid me five dollars to ask you.

A: Hush. Talking now.

There’s has been a flurry of activity recently that I’d love to tell you about.

Q: I’ll bet.

A: Still talking.

Shh.

Thank you.

We’re into day 11 of Security Bitch Watch and George Ou has still failed to deliver on his “couple of days” promise of fireworks. Ou’s most recent update was on Tuesday, which he mis-marked as “10/29/2006”. Now he’s not just defying the rules of responsible journalism, but the Temporal Prime Directive as well.

Will nothing stop this madman?!

Q: Uh…

A: That’s a rhetorical question.

In the update he claimed that his source who said the stock Apple drivers didn’t come from Atheros was what journalists call Schrödinger’s Source: he was both right and wrong at the same time.

Q: Oh, yeah. Didn’t he originally write a post arguing that Atheros had nothing to do with the drivers without actually having talked to Atheros?

A: Right. He postulated that based on information he was hearing from his super-duper top secret source (whose last name probably rhymes with “Raynor”) who turned out to be wrong. Then he wrote a correction in which he postulated that Atheros wasn’t responsible for the part of the drivers that really matters based on… can you guess?

Q: Uh… information he was hearing from his super-duper top secret source?

A: You are correct, sir. He also misrepresented David Maynor as not having “distanced himself” from Brian Krebs’ writing. Krebs wrote that Maynor said he could hack a stock Airport configuration and Maynor’s now only willing to publicly say he used third party hardware and software. If he’s not distancing himself from Krebs, he’s not exactlying spooning him either.

Q: Well, I guess there’s what Maynor is privately saying – you know, to George Ou. He’s probably still trash-talking the MacBook’s stock drivers.

A: Could be. I guess we just have trust our betters in the pundit class. I’m sure they’re looking out for us.

Q: Of course they are. So, what else is going on?

A: Well, this whole incident seems to have spawned a cottage industry of new blogs.

Q: Well, people are pissed and they’re speaking out.

A: Yeah, you know, earlier today Stone Cold John Gruber issued a challenge, saying he would fight David Maynor in 3 rounds of no-holds-barred bare knuckles mano y mano fisticuffs.

Q: He didn’t say that.

A: He did.

Q: No he didn’t.

A: OK, well, not technically. But he did bet him a MacBook, which is the Mac community equivalent.

Q: He called them out and – while it’s really something of a stunt – it makes a point about their claim and how it was presented.

A: Exactly. And that’s really perhaps the major problem: how it was presented. These goofballs attempted the technology world equivalent of a drive-by shooting.

Q: At this point, even if Maynor and Ellch can deliver a hack, they’ve kind of dug themselves into a PR hole, haven’t they?

A: Indeed. See, when you’re trying to make a name for yourself, you should really pick the name you’re shooting for before you open you mouth. And think about what they’ve done since they’ve gone underground. They apparently told George Ou they were going to come out firing and then didn’t. Now they’re just feeding him little dribbles of information. Maybe it’s just me, but that doesn’t scream “security professional” to me.

Q: Hmm. Hadn’t really thought of that angle.

A: Anyway, to sum up, it’s day 11 and we don’t know anything more than we knew on day 1, but we’re still having fun with it.

Q: …

A: …

Q: So… I guess I’ll just ask Chris Breen about my RAM problem, then.

A: Uh… yeah. That’d probably be good.

Q: Great. Uh… thanks…?

Every Friday,

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Q: If you happen to see someone using a third party card, is it ethical to tap into their MacBook using this hack?
A: No! Not at all! I mean, you wouldn’t use their toothbrush would you?
Q: No. Well… no. But, I mean, what if you suspected they might have lesbian ninja porn on their hard drive?
A: Dude…
Q: Well, I just… I’m trying to… just trying to figure out the etiquette…
A: Dude, if you suspect they have lesbian ninja porn on their hard drive, you grab the laptop and run like hell.
Q: Oh.
A: To my house.
Q: Uh… right.

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Q: I have a MacBook that I’m trying to initiate the SecureWorks Wifi hack from but I’m having some trouble. I try sticking the cigarette into my eye, but find that my eyelid descends at the last minute to block it. Any tips for keeping your eye open?
A: I’ve found those things they used on Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange work really well, but Chet swears you can get the same results from ordinary toothpicks. At any rate, if you just keep at it, you’re likely to burn right through your eyelid and that’ll get the job done.
Q: And, refresh my memory… how does this help me wirelessly hack something?
A: Uh… actually, I think it’s supposed to help make your Mac more secure. Or something. To be frank, I’m kind of confused on that point.
Q: Gosh. There’s so much I don’t understand about computer security.
A: It is complicated. I guess that’s why we need the help of professionals.
Q: Mmm-hmm.

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Q: I know the whole Mac universe is up in arms about this whole thing, but I’m just not seeing it. Why should I care about this?
A: Wha-why should you care?! Oh, I don’t know. Maybe you like having your eye burned out with a cigarette.
Q: C’mon, they apologized for that.
A: That’s so nice! All is forgiven! Now if I could just see out of my left eye…
Q: Oh, stop it. Look, there’s a very real chance they may actually have a hack of Airport. Why heap so much shit on them? It’s just another case of the Mac community run amok.
A: Yeah, well, if someone decides they’re going to kick a hornet’s nest, I don’t have a lot of sympathy when they go crying to their momma – or George Ou – when they get stung.
Q: Well, I guess that’s a good point.
A: Oh, and you know what else?
Q: You’re kind of worked up over this.
A: Let me just make this other point…
Q: No. No. It’s OK, dude.
A: No! NO! It’s NOT OK! See, what I was going to say is that…
Q: I’ll just… let myself out…

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: I have a Power Mac G5 and I upgraded the OS to Tiger five months ago. My problem is, for some reason I still don’t have smart folders. All I have are these stupid folders. Like this one. “System.” What’s that? Stupid. “Applications.” Stupid. Where are the smart folders? The folders that totally rule? ‘Cause all I see are these dumbass folders.
A: Uh… well, smart folders are folders that you configure to contain files that match certain parameters that you set.
Q: What?
A: You, um, you go to the Finder and go to the file menu and choose New Smart Folder. Then you set the paramaters for the kind of file…
Q: No, no, no! I don’t want folder that will put a bunch of files together! I want folders that will help me crush my enemies!
A: Oh. Uh… I think you’re going to have to go with a third party solution for that.
Q: Hmph. Well, is there something you can recommend?
A: Uh, I hear Folders Of Vengeance is good.
Q: Oooh…

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Q: I have a Mac mini and I installed Boot Camp on it as soon as it came out. I’ve been running Windows and I really like it. So much so that I’m really thinking of switching from the Mac to Windows.
A: Oh. That’s too bad. What is it you like about Windows so much?
Q: Well, it’s free! I mean, I just downloaded it from www.ubuntu.com and installed it!
A: Uh… that’s not Windows. That’s Ubuntu.
Q: Oh. Ubuntu?
A: Yeah. I’ts a Linux distribution. Supposed to be good for you.
Q: Huh.
A: Yeah. Totally different operating system.
Q: Wow. I guess that explains all the free apps and all the compiling and stuff.
A: Yeah.
Q: Well, if I’m going to be a Linux user, does this mean I have to stop showering?
A: Not completely, but no more than once a week. Also, you have to go on long, boring rants about DRM.
Q: Hmm. I guess I can do that.
A: You also have to get really big, out-of-style glasses. And women are out of the question.
Q: Ugh. See, I’m just not sure I’m ready for… you know… the Linux lifestyle.
A: I know what you mean. Personally, if I’m not going to have sex with women, I’d rather just go gay than Linux.
Q: Oh. That… gay… sounds nice. Kind of happy. What OS do I install to do that?
A: There’s no OS. There is some butt sex.
Q: What?
A: I was… just kind of kidding.
Q: Oh.

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Q: I have a black MacBook that I recently maxed out on RAM. I do a lot of Keynote presentations and the RAM really seems to help. But my question isn’t about that. My question is, who’s the bigger hack: Paul Thurrott or Rob Enderle?
A: Oh. Wow. Uh… boy…
Q: It’s tough to pick just one, isn’t it?
A: Yes, it is! Ooh, wow.
Q: I’m going to need an answer, though.
A: OK. OK. I’ve gotta go with Enderle. I mean, Thurrott’s got his biases, but Enderle is just wrong all the time. He disproves the broken clock theory.
Q: Enderle is correct! OK, let’s move on to question 2. Who’s a bigger prima donna, Jason O’Grady or Dan Knight?
A: Another tough call. But I’m going to go with O’Grady, as LowEndMac actually has valuable content.
Q: The answer is… O’Grady!
A: Yes!
Q: OK. Just one more, for all the money, the car and the lifetime supply of Vagisil.
A: I’m ready.
Q: John Dvorak or Steve Ballmer – who eats more ass?
A: Ohh!
Q: Yes? You’re smiling!
A: I know this one! It’s Dvorak!
Q: THAT IS CORRECT! John C. Dvorak does eat more ass than Steve Ballmer! Congratulations! You’ve won the money, the car, and the lifetime supply of Vagisil!
A: I already know where I’m going to use that, Ted!
Q: That’s all the time we have. I want to thank all our other contestants and we’ll see you next time on Mac Community Quiz!