Category: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Ironically enough, the Help Desk guy may have a bad memory module. It took a couple of attempts for it to get recognized when I installed it the other day and tonight the machine locked up when I was about half way through tonight’s post which I hadn’t saved.

Detail your bad memory experiences in the comments. It’ll be kind of a do-it-yourself Help Desk tonight.

To make it a 12-step Help Desk Program, you can take “bad memory experiences” however you want. Don’t feel limited to hardware issues, please go into that time you got pantsed by the seniors in gym class. Or the time you got dumped at the prom. Or the time you wrote that heartfelt note to the guy/girl you liked and he/she spent the next four weeks laughing hysterically every time he/she saw you.

For extra credit, you can guess which one of those actually happened to the Help Desk guy (yes, it was only one of those, thank you very much).

Every Friday, Q: I recently switched to the Mac from Windows and I have been so disappointed.  Contrary to what I was told by many, A: Oh.  Really?  No levitation?
Q: No.
A: Astral projection?
Q: No.
A: Telepathy?
Q: No.
A: Not even a little telepathy?  Like spoon bending?
Q: No.  I swallowed a fork the other day, though.
A: Uh…
Q: I didn’t mean to.  It was an accident.
A: Oh.  Well, OK, see the thing about the Mac is that, much like the One Ring in The Lord of the Rings, it grants power to people according to their stature.  Like for Sauron or Isildur, they got the power to bend men’s wills to their desires.  Whereas Frodo was just able to turn invisible.
Q: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
A: Uh… well, the point is that the Mac is probably granting you some supernatural ability, it’s just not that exciting.  Have you noticed anything different?
Q: Well… I do have longer and more lustrous-
A: Stop.
Q: Hair.

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Q: I’m making a web site with iWeb and I’m having a lot of trouble.
A: …
Q: …
A: Trouble? Jeez, why is that like tooth extraction sometimes?
Q: Yes. Trouble.
A: Oookay. Can you be more specific?
Q: Well, I can’t seem to… uh… I have a problem… uh…
A: Choosing a template?
Q: No. My problem is before that.
A: Before that?
Q: Yes. Uh… see… this is kind of embarrassing, but…
A: Just spit it out.
Q: Oh, hell, I’ve got so many god damn icons in my Dock I can’t find the frickin’ thing! I mean, look at it! They’re all like a pixel wide! How about some scroll bars or something?!
A: Well, why did you put so many applications in your Dock?
Q: I… I…
A: …
Q: I have Dock fever! Help me!
A: Oh, you don’t need help. You need Todos!
Q: Todos? Cool! It lets me see all my applications at once and…. wait a minute. Did you just offer actual advice? You?
A: Bitch… do you think you can use my toothbrush?!
Q: Uh, no. No. Sorry, man.

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Q: Wait, wait, wait. I have a major complaint about that last answer.
A: What? What? What?
Q: An actual solution? What the hell is that?
A: Hey, we give lots of solid advice to real-world Mac problems.
Q: Are we talking about the same feature?
A: Uh… I think so. Wait…
Q: …
A: Uhhh… no. Sorry. I was talking about that other guy.
Q: Chris Breen?
A: AAAAAIIIIIIIEEEE!!! HIS NAME BURNS US!!! IT BURNS!!!
Q: Oh, no, no, no, no. That’s two Lord of the Rings references in one Help Desk. You get one. One, remember? Or are you forgetting the verdict in the Estate of J.R.R. Tolkien v. Giant Squid Productions, LLC?
A: We’re still appealing that!

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: I’ve been reading stories of Dell laptops that blow up. I’m currently using a Dell Inspiron and I’m just wondering, is there any way to induce that?
A: Uhhh, you mean to make your laptop blow up?
Q: Yeah.
A: Why would you want to do that?
Q: Well, obviously if my laptop blows up, then I have to go out and get a new laptop. Like a MacBook.
A: That seems like rather an expensive way to go about it. Couldn’t you just sell your existing Dell and buy a MacBook?
Q: Pff. Yes, mother, I could, but then nothing will have blown up!
A: OK, so it’s at least partly about seeing something blow up.
Q: Well, I should get something out of this.
A: Other than a new laptop.
Q: God! Why are you making this so difficult?!

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Q: I have a series of AppleWorks databases that I want to migrate to MySQL. I have the database structure set up in the destination system, but I’m not sure how to best get the data out of AppleWorks. What do you recommend?
A: My friend, you are about to embark upon a journey at once exciting and dangerous. If you mean to do this… this… export… you speak of… will you have the will to see it through?
Q: Uh… I think so. What are we talking here?
A: Dark magics. The darkest magics.
Q: Oh, you say that all the time…
A: No. No. Well… yes. I do. But this time I really mean it.
Q: Sure you do.
A: No. I do. Uh… look… first you have to draw a pentagram…
Q: You know what? I’m just going to export them to ASCII and then take it from there.
A: No! No, don’t do that! You have to get a goat!
Q: Mmm, I don’t think so.
A: You must appease Gorto!
Q: Gorto will understand.

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Q: Oh, man, are you gonna take that?! That bitch just totally used your toothbrush!
A: What am I supposed to do? If he wants to commit acts against Gorto it’s his funeral.
Q: Wow. Gorto’s really that strict?
A: Well… “funeral” is really sort of an exaggeration. Or a metaphor. Or maybe I”m just talking about a funeral for his data.
Q: Wait, what? He’s just going to lose his data? What the hell kind of demon god vengance is that?
A: Losing your data is no laughing matter. Unless it’s, like, some Creed MP3s or something.
Q: Well, yeah, but it’s not like the dude’s guts are going to wind up wrapped around his neck or he’s going to have scorpions for hands or… or chafing around his junk or anything. He’s probably got a backup.
A: He doesn’t have a backup. Gorto has seen to that.
Q: Gorto took his backup?
A: No. Gorto… um… left his backup CDs on the dash of his Impala. In the sun.
Q: Right. You know, I’m starting to think this Gorto’s not really that much of a badass.
A: Dude, he’s got an Impala! It don’t get any badder-assed than that!
Q: Uh-huh.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: I was reading this bullcrap yesterday from this douche bag who says that the Mac OS isn’t invulnerable to malware and that it’s only going to get worse. Man, that is such crap!
A: Well, I think it’s pretty difficult to say categorically that if the Mac OS continues to have success that it’s going to be just as vulnerable to malware as Windows, but it’s clear that OS X has benefitted from not being such a magnet for hackers.
Q: What the hell are you talking about?
A: Well, I think it might be harder on OS X than on Windows, but I bet if you were determined, you could write a piece of malware for any operating system.
Q: What?!
A: The Mac OS is probably more secure, but it’s not invulnerable.
Q: It is so invulnerable!
A: Um… you seem to be taking this a little personally.
Q: OS X is the one true and beautiful thing in my life! Why would you try to take that from me?!
A: Oh, c’mon. That’s not true. You’ll always have your collection of pretty porcelain ponies.
Q: Well… that’s true…

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Q: I’m using Java, HTML and Apache on my Power Mac G5 to create a web site for a client that has an underlying database in MySQL. I’m creating Java Beans that access the data, but I’m having trouble maintaining a solid connection to the database. What am I doing wrong?
A: You might look at the version of the MySQL connection driver you’re using in…
Q: You know… what this all really might get down to is just that I’m not happy with my job.
A: Uh…
Q: You know that feeling when you wake up one day and you realize that you just don’t want to be a web developer anymore?
A: Not really, I…
Q: What I really want to do now is go to film school.
A: Well, have you checked the connection string?
Q: I mean, I don’t know anything about making movies. I’ve never worked on a movie. Or in the theater. It’s just, I like going to movies and how hard could it be?
A: I was going to suggest checking the MySQL user name and…
Q: I dunno. I like animals, too. Maybe… maybe I should be a veterinarian.
A: Oh, hey! If you really like animals, why don’t you be a bear?
Q: What? That’s stupid. I can’t be a bear.
A: Well, sure, but I think it’s just about as likely as you being a movie director or a vet.
Q: I… I could be a vet.
A: Nuh-uh.

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Q: Hey, speaking of bears, I was thinking that Apple’s just about run the gamut on big cat names for OS X…
A: Well, there’s still Cougar. And Lion.
Q: No, no. Those are both stupid. They’ve used all the good ones. Anyway, I was thinking they should turn to bears! “Mac OS X Grizzly” would rock!
A: Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good one. But… um… what would they use after that?
Q: Uh, well, there’s… uh…
A: “Panda” doesn’t really strike fear into anyone. Plus, I don’t even think they’re really bears. I think they’re, like, big raccoons or some shit.
Q: Well, black bears are kind of cool.
A: “Mac OS X Black Bear”?
Q: Hey, it’s not my fault that bears are stupid!
A: Well, what other animals are cool?
Q: Um… Hey! Sharks are wicked cool!
A: Oh, yeah! Like “Mac OS X Mako”!
Q: Yeah! Or “Mac OS X Hammerhead”!
A: Or “Mac OS X Tiger”!
Q: Yeah! Oh. Wait…
A: Oh, no… wait…
Q: That’s…
A: Maybe sharks aren’t the right thing.
Q: Yeah.
A: Huh.
Q: Well… what about monkeys?
A: Um… I don’t think so.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: My iMac recently had a hard drive crash and I’ve been trying to get my data back. I went to the Apple Store the other day to talk to the Genius and I got all this grief for not backing up. I’m trying to solve my existing problem and he’s all gettin’ up in my grill and…
A: Oh, no, no, no. Dude. Dude. No one says “gettin’ up in my grill” anymore.
Q: What? Oh. Really? I thought that was phat phresh.
A: No. And neither is that.
Q: Oh. OK, then, Hammertime, what are people saying when someone gets in their face?
A: “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush.”
Q: What?
A: “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!”
Q: You’ve gotta be kidding.
A: No. See, when you’re at the Apple Store and the Genius is riding you for not backing up, you wait until he walks off and you turn to the customer next to you, roll your eyes and say – really loudly – “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!”
A: Even if it’s a dude?
A: Oh, especially if it’s a dude.
Q: Well… I’m not saying that.
A: Or, if he’s standing right in front of you, you yell as loudly as you can, “BITCH! You think you can use my toothbrush?!”
Q: That doesn’t mean anything!
A: Look, I don’t make these up. I’m just telling you that this is what the kids are saying.
Q: The kids on crack maybe.
A: Oh, dude, the kids aren’t doing crack anymore. They’re all freebasing Strontium 38.
Q: …
A: …
Q: Do you have any idea what you’re talking about?
A: Dude, don’t come whining to me because the kids are all calling you Chester because you’re not freebasing Strontium 38 and yelling “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!”

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Q: I have an Intel Core Solo Mac mini that I’m trying to get Windows XP running on. I’ve successfully formatted it for dual-boot with Boot Camp, but I’m having trouble configuring the Windows drivers for my Dell monitor. The system gets hung up when…
A: Whoa, whoa, whoa, there cowboy. We don’t do Windows here.
Q: What? But this is a Mac mini.
A: Well, yeah, but your conflict is between Windows XP and your Dell monitor.
Q: But it’s on a Mac mini.
A: But that’s like having your car break down on a bridge and calling a construction engineer instead of a tow truck.
Q: W-what? No, my problem is on a Mac! A Mac mini! Not a bridge!
A: That… that was an analogy.
Q: Are you going to fix my Mac mini or not?!
A: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your mini.
Q: But my monitor doesn’t work! It hangs the system!
A: Is there someone else I could talk to there?
Q: Uh, well my dog is here.
A: Put him on.
Q: Rarf?
A: What the hell is the matter with him?!
Q: Rarf-rarf!
A: I know! How do you stand it?!
Q: Rafr-rarf! Rrow-row-row-row-row!
A: I dunno man. Have you thought about just running away?

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Q: Well, surely you’ll take Ubuntu questions.
A: Ubuntu?! Of course! Ubuntu!
Q: OK. Well, I recently converted to Ubuntu from OS X and installed it on my Intel-based iMac.
A: Of course you did! Ubuntu!
Q: Uh… yeah. Well, anyway, I’ve been having some problems getting sleep to activate. I think there are some settings I can alter to specifically tell Ubuntu what…
A: Ha-ha! Ubuntu!
Q: Uh… well, see, I’m having some trouble…
A: Ah, but is it not always such between men and the operating system they love?! The operating system known as Ubuntu?!
Q: … got this configuration issue…
A: Oooh! Ubuntu is harsh mistress, is she not?! At once terrible and lovely! All worship her!
Q: Um… do you have any experience with Ubuntu at all?
A: Ah-ha-ha-ha! Ahhhhh…. uh… no. Not in the least.
Q: Yeah. I was starting to get that.
A: I just think it’s really fun to say. Ubuntu!