Category: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: This isn’t specifically a Mac question, but I know you’ve talked about the Getting Things Done methodology in the past and, I gotta tell you, I’m having a real problem with it.

A: Oh? Well, one app I can recommend is iGTD. It’s got a nice, clean interface, it integrates with Quicksilver and…

Q: No, no, no! My life used to be carefree! Now I have this monkey of ubiquitous capture on my back! I’m always capturing, capturing! I don’t fricking want to capture tasks anymore! I’ve got 40,000 tasks! Look at this one – “Organize pencils by size.” What the hell is that?! Why would I need to do that?!

A: Uh… well, if your pencils were organized, um… you could jot something down… uh…

Q: There’s no reason! And that’s the kind of crap I’m ubiquitously capturing!

A: You know, maybe GTD isn’t for you.

Q: I think you’re right. I’m going back to aimlessly meandering through a life of procrastination.

A: Good idea.

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Q: I’m taking my MacBook to Asia next week and I want to make sure I can do my work, post some photos and watch some movies, but I don’t want to lug too much weight. Do you have any tips for travelers?

A: Absolutely. Instead of relying on your MacBook for watching movies on the flight, rip your DVDs and put them on your iPod before hand. You can get an additional lightweight battery pack for your iPod. In order to save more weight, check out what’s on your MacBook’s hard drive. Ones are, obviously, heavier than zeros. I recommend using a disk editor to change as many ones to zeros as you can.

Q: Uh… that doesn’t seem like a good idea.

A: Hey, do you know what the difference between a one and a zero is? Exactly one bit. You’ll never notice it except in the weight.

Q: I’m not gonna do that.

A: Sissy.

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Q: I have an older Power Mac and I’m thinking about finally replacing it with a new iMac. The problem is, I keep hearing that Apple’s going to release new iMacs any day. Should I buy a new one now or should I wait?

A: W-w-w-w-wack! Ack! Ack! Blech.

Q: Um…

A: Glack! Ack! Wwwwwwack. Thoo!

Q: Uh… is there something…

A: Gah! I… swallowed a bug!

Q: Well, that’s great, but I really need to know what to do here.

A: Blach! B-buy a fricking iMac! Glack!

Q: OK. You don’t have to shout.

A: Gleck. Bleck. Oh, man. Mmm. Ahem. You know… that wasn’t so bad. I could go for another one.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, we help you through the deep personal hurting you feel over the Leopard delay.

Because you people need a lot of help.

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Q: AAAAAAAAAGH!

A: Dude, calm down.

Q: AAAAAAAAAGH! AH! AHHHHHHH!

A: DUDE!

Q: WHAT?!

A: Calm. Down.

Q: No, YOU calm down! My whole world view is crashing down around me and you don’t want me to panic? Well, when should I panic? Huh?! Evolution gave me the panic instinct for a reason, right?! So, if I’m not gonna use it now, when the hell am I going to use it, Charles Darwin?!

A: C’mon. It’s not exactly like you’re being chased by a bear.

Q: No. It’s like I’m being chased by a leopard and… and… it’s really slow… so slow that I’m lapping it and… and… and… AND WHY WON’T YOU LET ME HAVE THIS?

A: OK. OK. Fine. Enjoy your freak-out.

UGLUK: Ugluk hear someone chased by bear?

A: Oh, man, you do not want to get in on this.

Q: AAAAAAAAAGH!

A: Heeeere we go again…

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Q: Hey, I don’t know about anyone else, man, but I’m totally not worried about this. It’s all part of the plan!

A: The plan?

Q: Oh, yeah, man. See, Apple’s just saying that Leopard’s delayed until October! It’s coming out next week!

A: Uh… next week?

Q: Totally! I read on Think Secret it’s almost done!

A: Um, dude…

Q: They just need to put some final touches on it. See, while Mac users are freaking out about the “delay”, they’ll be too busy wallowing in despair to call Apple support or go out and buy stuff at the Apple Store. So Apple’s going to redirect the support people and sales staff to finish Leopard!

A: That makes absolutely no sense at all. How the hell are sales staff going to help finish Leopard?

Q: Uh, well they can, um, put the semicolons in. Pretty much any kind of monkey can type in semicolons.

A: Dude, this is an operating system they’re putting together. It’s not like a barn raising.

Q: Yes, it is! Leopard is coming! You’ll see! You’ll see!

A: You need to seek professional help.

Q: What… you mean more?

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Q: Um… I’ve been up all night sobbing quietly to myself. And… I just want to know one thing.

A: Uh… yeah?

Q: Is it… is it… going to be OK?

A: Huh?

Q: Are we… are we all going to be OK?

A: Uhhh… you mean until October?

Q: …

A: …

Q: OK, well, it just sounds silly when you say it like that.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

It’s tax time, and Crazy Apple Rumors Site is here to help!

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Q: I’m trying to do my taxes and I’m having a little trouble with MacInTax.

A: I think you mean TurboTax.

Q: Uh, well, no. I mean, I am doing it on a Mac.

A: Yeah, but they changed the name a couple of years ago so the Windows version and the Mac version would have the same name. Which is TurboTax.

Q: I hear what you’re saying, Alan Greenspan, but I’m looking at the box and it clearly says MacInTax 1996.

A: You’re… trying to use a ten year old application to file your tax return? That’s not going to work.

Q: Uh, hello?! I said I was having trouble!

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Q: I run my own Mac web site as a small business. Can I take a deduction for the depreciation on the several Macs I own and use solely for this business from the revenue generated from advertising and other sources?

A: Absolutely. I do this all the time and I haven’t been caught yet.

Q: Great! OK, now I have another question. How do I generate revenue from advertising and other sources? Because I’ve been at it for about three years and I’m tellin’ ya…

A: Hell if I know. If we didn’t have a well-heeled alien bankrolling us we would have been out on the street in January of 2002. Maybe you should go ask Princess Gruber.

Q: Oh, everyone knows how he makes his money.

A: How’s that?

Q: I shouldn’t say…

A: Oh, c’mon.

Q: Well… ob-may onnections-cay.

A: Ahhh…

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Q: You know, as much as I hate tax time, I gotta think that it’s just a nightmare for Steve Jobs. I mean, trying to figure out how much tax he owes on $1…

A: Well, you know, Steve does make an awful lot of money with the stock he gets.

Q: Oh, that’s so not true. Steve just does it because he couldn’t possibly do anything else. Also, they pay him in chickens.

A: Hmm. I don’t know where you heard that but I think it’s wrong. My understanding from very highly placed sources is what he gets out of the job is one thing and one thing only: pure chewing satisfaction.

Q: That’s fine but one can’t forget that he does also receive 14 vestal virgins at the end of each fiscal year.

A: Yeah, but he just tags and releases them. What I can’t believe is the jellies.

Q: Jellies?

A: Yes! 10,000 elderly residents of upstate Wisconsin slave all year long to jar a vast assortment of jellies for Steve and what does he do with them?

Q: Stand on an overpass and toss them on the interstate to watch them go smashy-smashy?

A: Yes!

Q: Hmm. I wonder what box you put that in on your 1040?

A: “Other Income”?

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

We were out a little late last night with the Seattle Xcoders, so we’re going to run some repeat questions from old Help Desk episodes.

First up, it’s the summer of love, 1967!

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Q: I’m recently bought an Apple -X and I’m having trouble getting it to read my paper tape. I can get the program punched onto the tape OK, but when I feed all 165 feet back in to get it to print out an ASCII picture of kitty, the tape gets mangled.

A: That’s a known issue with the -X. They’re expected to announce the Apple -IX next quarter which is supposed to fix that. Do you have $10,000?

Q: Um, let me see… Yes!

A: OK, then I’d just wait for that. You know, as great as the Apple -IX is going to be, just think… some day they’ll actually hit positive numbers.

Q: Wow! I wonder what that far off future world will be like?!

A: Well, no one knows for sure, but it’s pretty obvious that computers will think and be able to talk to you.

Q: Cool!

A: Yeah. War, of course, will be a thing of the past as the world will be led by a sage council of wizened elders in flowing robes.

Q: Huh. What will they wear under the robes?

A: Crotchless leather pants.

Q: Wh-huh? Why would they…

A: DO NOT QUESTION THE ELDERS!

Q: I’m not, I just think it’s kind of weird that…

A: UNBELIEVER! UNBELIEVER! GUARDS! CALL THE GUARDS!

Q: Ooh, so there will be thought police in the future?

A: Yeah, that was pretty much my point there.

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Ha-ha! Well, at least we got that last part right!

Now here’s a classic from 1945! Who can forget the Apple iENIAC?

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Q: I recently purchased an Apple iENIAC which has been great. I mean, it only takes me a couple of weeks to configure the vacuum tubes in the right places to get it to add two integers!

A: I know! And it’s only $530,000!

Q: Right! The problem I’ve been having is reaching Apple tech support.

A: Oh, that’s probably because 800 numbers haven’t been invented yet.

Q: Ah. I thought it might be because I have a party line.

A: Well, that’s probably not helping.

Q: So, what can I do in the mean time?

A: Uh, you mean between now and the 1960s?

Q: Yes.

A: You should avail yourself of the services of one of the many fine traveling Apple technical support and Fuller brush salesmen.

Q: Oh, but I can’t.

A: Uh… why?

Q: Because I’m a farmer.

A: Huh?

Q: And I have a daughter.

A: Oh.

Q: Yeah.

A: I can see where you might expect problems. But, wait, where did you get $530,000?

Q: Oh, I happened to be at Roswell when the aliens landed and the government paid me off.

A: Good for you!

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And here’s one I’ll never forget from the year 10,045 BC!

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Q: Me have trouble with Apple iStone. It sometimes not kill antelope.

A: You throw it hard?

Q: Of course me throw it hard!

A: You show.

Q: OK. Aaaaaaahhhh UHN!

A: You call that throw?! Throw it like early man!

Q: Grrr! OK. OK. Me not warmed up before. Now me warm. Here me go. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH UHNNNN!!!

A: Dude, there nothing wrong with iStone. You just throw like australopithecus.

Q: Nnn. Well, what if me upgrade to iStone Pro?

A: Ha-ha! You think you need iStone Pro when you throw like little australopithecus girl?!

Q: Me gonna smash you with iStone!

A: Ha! That bit scary threat, Lucy!

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Ah, that really takes me back!

Every Friday,

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Q: I just bought a Mac Pro last week and I got the optional bologna drive.

A: Oh,

Q: Exactly. The problem I’m having, though, is that it smells like frying bologna in here now. Blech. Isn’t there a way to burn to bologna without the smell?

A: Ha-ha! Did you just say “burn to bologna”?! Ha-ha!

Q: Uh, well, yes. That’s what the option is called.

A: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Q: Um… OK. But, the smell…

A: Oh, man! Ah-ha! Ah-ha-ha!

Q: You, uh…

A: “Burn to bologna!” Ah…

Q: Um, you know…

A: Man, I bet it smells in there.

Q: That’s what I said!

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Q: My mouse failed on me the other day and I was looking around because I thought I had a spare mouse but I couldn’t find it. Not in the drawer of USB stuff. Not in the bucket of former peripherals. But in looking around, I did find a wad of pimento loaf behind my desk, so I though, well, what the hell, I’ll try the pimento loaf. And you know what?

A: Oh, my god! It worked?!

Q: What? No. No. It didn’t. I mean, c’mon. It’s an old wad of pimento loaf.

A: Oh.

Q: I’m not even sure if a fresh wad of pimento loaf can be used as a mouse. And now I have pimento loaf in my USB connector.

A: And you want to know how to get that out.

Q: No, I just sucked it out.

A: Oh. Then why are you calling?

Q: What? I thought you called me.

A: Huh?

Q: What?

A: Uh…

Q: Huh?

A: Er… um…

Q: Wha-huh?

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Q: My girlfriend has an iMac that she dropped when she was moving and it’s got a long crack in it now.

A: Ooh.

Q: Yeah. So, what I want to know is, can I fill it with pressed turkey loaf?

A: Pressed turkey loaf?

Q: Yeah. I mean, it’s pretty much the same color.

A: Uh, yeah, but it’s meat.

Q: So?

A: It’s going to start to decay. And attract bugs. And… ew.

Q: Huh. Yeah. But other than that… no problem, right?

A: Well, isn’t that enough? You really think it’s OK to fix your girlfriend’s iMac with meat?

Q: Um… yyyyyyyyyyyynnnnnnnnooooo?

A: Dude.

Q: We haven’t been going out that long!

A: Ah, well, that explains why you’re not splurging on unprocessed turkey.

Q: Oh, I’m totally not ready for that level of commitment.

A: Uhn-huh.