Category: iPhone

Our iPhone coverage continues as Crazy Apple Rumors Site runs down some of the loose rumors floating around out there about a little phone we like to call…

…the iPhone.

Because that’s its name.

Since all that trademark unpleasantness got settled.

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MYTH OR FACT? – On Friday, Apple Stores and AT&T stores will close at 4:30 and then re-open at 6:00 for the launch.

FACT. This is to allow them time to cover all other items in the stores with plastic to protect them from the impending nerdgasm.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone is not made of metal or glass but of various meats.

MYTH. This is a common misconception but it’s actually Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer who is made of meat.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone is neither animal, vegetable or mineral. It is an entirely new form of entity which alchemists are calling “Gwanghoodoodle”.

FACT. That’s fairly self-explanatory.

MYTH OR FACT? – The battery supports up to 8 hours of talk time.

FACT. But it’s kind of academic as you don’t have anyone who can stand to talk to you that long.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone includes alien technology that will allow Apple to issue downloadable hardware updates, for example later changing the 3.5-inch display to 4.0 inches.

MYTH. This is preposterous. Everyone knows that iPhone hardware updates will be carried out by little elves that will sneak into your pants pocket with little screwdrivers.

Be careful sitting down!

MYTH OR FACT? – Male iPhone owners will experience longer, harder erections.

FACT. Actually many of them already are, days before its release.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone will fix dysfunctional relationships, heal your emotional pain and otherwise cure your pathetic, sorry life.

FACT.

It’s right there in the technical specifications.

I don’t have the link.

It’s somewhere down at the bottom.

While technology watchers are eagerly anticipating Friday’s release of the iPhone, physicists and others are concerned that this week’s frenzy of non-stop iPhone mania may have disastrous implications for quantum mechanics and other fields.

According to Dr. Phillip Binette, a professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Physics Department, iPhone “news” has so eclipsed other events that it is threatening to force them out of our plane of existence.

“There is only so much logical space in our universe,” Binette said. “Think of it like a Chinese take-out box stuffed with Kung-Pao Shrimp. The more shrimp you stuff in, some shrimp pop out the bottom.

“One succulent morsel of crustaceany goodness after the other.

“Mmm. Dammit, I’m hungry.”

According to Binette, there are already disturbing signs that large chunks of our reality are being spat from the universe like watermelon seeds.

“There are whole swaths of North and South Dakota and Nebraska that are nothing but desolate wastelands. Also, whatever happened to Lindsey Wagner? She’s just disappeared. I mean, I saw an ad for the Bionic Woman the other day and she wasn’t even in it”

A research assistant approached Binette and whispered in his ear.

“What?” he said. “Oh.

“I’m being told those states have always been like that. And Lindsey Wagner is just, uh, really old now.”

Still, the over-abundance of iPhone coverage seems to be a self-evident and there is concern in circles other than that of quantum mechanics.

Dale Houser, a system architect at the World Wide Web Consortium said “Even the web can only hold so much pabulum. We’ve seen a number of system failures as the level of people talking out of their asses about a device they haven’t even seen first-hand has increased exponentially in the last several days.”

Houser asked that anyone who can find it within themselves to just shut the hell up for four days please do so.

In late-breaking news just weeks before its launch, Crazy Apple Rumors site has learned that Apple has added a killer feature to the iPhone that is sure to secure its success.

Sources in Apple’s iPhone development group have revealed that in addition to acting as a phone, an email client, a web browser, a mapping platform and a portable entertainment system, the iPhone will also dispense beer.

The company has added a small tap to the side of the iPhone that will, when pressed, release the frosty, refreshing beverage that has been enjoyed since the time of the Pharaohs.

“This could be the holy grail of mobile connectivity,” said Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life.

“To be able to access my beer on-the-go… I can’t even think of a reason why I’d go home again.

“Oh. Well, to see my wife, of course. Right. Uhh… love you, honey!”

The details of this startling new feature were not available at press time. It’s not known, for example, exactly how much beer an iPhone can hold and whether or not Apple will rely on third-party peripheral developers to build add-on kegs.

But most were not concerned by the lack of details.

“It’s a phone that dispenses beer!” exclaimed Apple follower Derik DeLong.

“Oh! My! God! I mean, at this point, I don’t even give a shit if it actually makes phone calls anymore!”

Some of the slower pundits were concerned about Apple “tapping” the iPhone.

“I’m concerned about Apple tapping the iPhone,” said Rob Enderle of the Enderle Group.

“I’m also concerned that I might have swallowed my gum.”

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but it did have beer on its breath.

The first advertisements from Apple, Inc., for their new iPhone reveal a previously undisclosed niche marketing factor: the iPhone will only display information related to the sea and children.

In a series of dramatic advertisements aired Sunday night during 60 Minutes, Apple demonstrated the iPhone’s ability to switch from playing Pirates of the Caribbean 2 to finding a seafood restaurant. A little noticed footnote displayed during that sequence warned, “The iPhone cannot play movies that do not include nautical themes or water, and restaurants must predominately feature seafood or pirates to be included in our guide.”

Apple spokesperson Cynthia McLaren clarified late Sunday night that Apple was required to limit the iPhone’s range of services to prevent cannibalism of iPod sales, and because of a little known maritime exemption for regulations governing handheld electronics.

“Our lawyers – admittedly a little skittish after the ones who approved Steve Jobs’ stock options a few years ago were all fired – have naturally interpreted this rule in the strictest manner possible to apply only to devices either intended for use at sea or that include only images of the sea.”

Another ad showed photos of children attached to an email message, but failed to mention that only photos of children may be stored, viewed, or attached to messages on the iPhone.

“Steve thinks you should all focus on your kids a little more,” McLaren said. “He feels pretty strongly about that. I believe his exact words were ‘Our customers are a bunch of deadbeat absentee parents.'”

Accordingly, the iPhone will only be sold to customers who have children.

Or who are pirates.

Sources inside Apple’s software engineering group indicate that the company is hard at work putting the finishing touches on the killer app for the iPhone, which is set to be released next month.

As users have come to expect from Apple, the application takes a real-world problem and delivers an integrated solution featuring an ease of use unlike anything else currently available.

According to sources, by combining Google Maps, Craig’s List and the iPhone, Apple will provide the mobile cellular customer a heretofore unknown ability to easily find hookers and strip joints.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, CEO Steve Jobs said “By leveraging our existing relationship with Google and a new one we’ve forged with Craig’s List, we’ll have randy cell phone users satisfied faster than you can say…

“Well, something dirty.”

The application is called iVice and uses APIs specially written for Apple that allow the iPhone to provide a Google Map of the closest prostitutes and adult entertainment outlets posted to Craig’s List.

“Craig’s List – the most complete list of live adult entertainment data – provides the addresses which Google Maps – the best mapping application – displays on the iPhone – the most revolutionary mobile platform,” Jobs explained.

“This just made sense.”

“And I’d like to see someone say the iPhone doesn’t have a serious business application now. If ever there was a business application, this is it.”

Other than Jobs, Apple representative declined to comment for this story because they thought Jobs would get mad.