iPhone Hype Problematic.

While technology watchers are eagerly anticipating Friday’s release of the iPhone, physicists and others are concerned that this week’s frenzy of non-stop iPhone mania may have disastrous implications for quantum mechanics and other fields.

According to Dr. Phillip Binette, a professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Physics Department, iPhone “news” has so eclipsed other events that it is threatening to force them out of our plane of existence.

“There is only so much logical space in our universe,” Binette said. “Think of it like a Chinese take-out box stuffed with Kung-Pao Shrimp. The more shrimp you stuff in, some shrimp pop out the bottom.

“One succulent morsel of crustaceany goodness after the other.

“Mmm. Dammit, I’m hungry.”

According to Binette, there are already disturbing signs that large chunks of our reality are being spat from the universe like watermelon seeds.

“There are whole swaths of North and South Dakota and Nebraska that are nothing but desolate wastelands. Also, whatever happened to Lindsey Wagner? She’s just disappeared. I mean, I saw an ad for the Bionic Woman the other day and she wasn’t even in it”

A research assistant approached Binette and whispered in his ear.

“What?” he said. “Oh.

“I’m being told those states have always been like that. And Lindsey Wagner is just, uh, really old now.”

Still, the over-abundance of iPhone coverage seems to be a self-evident and there is concern in circles other than that of quantum mechanics.

Dale Houser, a system architect at the World Wide Web Consortium said “Even the web can only hold so much pabulum. We’ve seen a number of system failures as the level of people talking out of their asses about a device they haven’t even seen first-hand has increased exponentially in the last several days.”

Houser asked that anyone who can find it within themselves to just shut the hell up for four days please do so.

Apple Adds Killer Feature To iPhone.

In late-breaking news just weeks before its launch, Crazy Apple Rumors site has learned that Apple has added a killer feature to the iPhone that is sure to secure its success.

Sources in Apple’s iPhone development group have revealed that in addition to acting as a phone, an email client, a web browser, a mapping platform and a portable entertainment system, the iPhone will also dispense beer.

The company has added a small tap to the side of the iPhone that will, when pressed, release the frosty, refreshing beverage that has been enjoyed since the time of the Pharaohs.

“This could be the holy grail of mobile connectivity,” said Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life.

“To be able to access my beer on-the-go… I can’t even think of a reason why I’d go home again.

“Oh. Well, to see my wife, of course. Right. Uhh… love you, honey!”

The details of this startling new feature were not available at press time. It’s not known, for example, exactly how much beer an iPhone can hold and whether or not Apple will rely on third-party peripheral developers to build add-on kegs.

But most were not concerned by the lack of details.

“It’s a phone that dispenses beer!” exclaimed Apple follower Derik DeLong.

“Oh! My! God! I mean, at this point, I don’t even give a shit if it actually makes phone calls anymore!”

Some of the slower pundits were concerned about Apple “tapping” the iPhone.

“I’m concerned about Apple tapping the iPhone,” said Rob Enderle of the Enderle Group.

“I’m also concerned that I might have swallowed my gum.”

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but it did have beer on its breath.

iPhone Ads Reveal Restrictions.

The first advertisements from Apple, Inc., for their new iPhone reveal a previously undisclosed niche marketing factor: the iPhone will only display information related to the sea and children.

In a series of dramatic advertisements aired Sunday night during 60 Minutes, Apple demonstrated the iPhone’s ability to switch from playing Pirates of the Caribbean 2 to finding a seafood restaurant. A little noticed footnote displayed during that sequence warned, “The iPhone cannot play movies that do not include nautical themes or water, and restaurants must predominately feature seafood or pirates to be included in our guide.”

Apple spokesperson Cynthia McLaren clarified late Sunday night that Apple was required to limit the iPhone’s range of services to prevent cannibalism of iPod sales, and because of a little known maritime exemption for regulations governing handheld electronics.

“Our lawyers – admittedly a little skittish after the ones who approved Steve Jobs’ stock options a few years ago were all fired – have naturally interpreted this rule in the strictest manner possible to apply only to devices either intended for use at sea or that include only images of the sea.”

Another ad showed photos of children attached to an email message, but failed to mention that only photos of children may be stored, viewed, or attached to messages on the iPhone.

“Steve thinks you should all focus on your kids a little more,” McLaren said. “He feels pretty strongly about that. I believe his exact words were ‘Our customers are a bunch of deadbeat absentee parents.'”

Accordingly, the iPhone will only be sold to customers who have children.

Or who are pirates.

Apple Working On Killer App For The iPhone.

Sources inside Apple’s software engineering group indicate that the company is hard at work putting the finishing touches on the killer app for the iPhone, which is set to be released next month.

As users have come to expect from Apple, the application takes a real-world problem and delivers an integrated solution featuring an ease of use unlike anything else currently available.

According to sources, by combining Google Maps, Craig’s List and the iPhone, Apple will provide the mobile cellular customer a heretofore unknown ability to easily find hookers and strip joints.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, CEO Steve Jobs said “By leveraging our existing relationship with Google and a new one we’ve forged with Craig’s List, we’ll have randy cell phone users satisfied faster than you can say…

“Well, something dirty.”

The application is called iVice and uses APIs specially written for Apple that allow the iPhone to provide a Google Map of the closest prostitutes and adult entertainment outlets posted to Craig’s List.

“Craig’s List – the most complete list of live adult entertainment data – provides the addresses which Google Maps – the best mapping application – displays on the iPhone – the most revolutionary mobile platform,” Jobs explained.

“This just made sense.”

“And I’d like to see someone say the iPhone doesn’t have a serious business application now. If ever there was a business application, this is it.”

Other than Jobs, Apple representative declined to comment for this story because they thought Jobs would get mad.

iPhone Really Delayed.

In disappointing news, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed tonight that the iPhone will indeed be delayed from its highly anticipated June launch.

Sources now say that – contrary to our reporting last night – the real reason the iPhone is being delayed is that Elmo’s voice just doesn’t sound right yet.

According to a CARS source who is a Cingular/AT&T sales representative, Apple is determined to get the sound of the signature Sesame Street character perfect.

“Look, I really hate to be the one to bring this up, but has anyone looked closely at that first row of icons on the iPhone? I’m not gonna say it, but…

[cough] Elmo phone [cough].

“OK, I sort of coughed it, but c’mon!

As shocking as the idea the the iPhone is nothing more than a vehicle for a popular PBS children’s show might seem, Apple engineers were surprisingly open about confirming it.

“Yes, the Elmo voice problem is bug 2341,” said a source working on the iPhone. “What bothers me more, though, is bug 1756. ‘Upon pressing Count With The Count, the Count sometimes only says prime numbers.’ I think it’s a problem with an array, but we haven’t been able to repeat it consistently.

“I’m happy to say, however, that Super Grover works like a charm. I personally spent a lot of time on that. I think people are really gonna like it. Heh-heh. Grover!”

Upon hearing this news, sources that for months had been discussing iPhone features such as web browsing, SMS and the revolutionary interface have suddenly backtracked.

“Come to think of it,” said the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg, “all those random access voice mail messages were from Big Bird.”

Apple sources think they should have Elmo’s voice ironed out by October.