Everybody Totally Wrong About New iMacs.

Many irresponsible sources have been spreading a lot of erroneous information about the iMacs to be announced next Tuesday and Crazy Apple Rumors Site would like to set the record straight.

For starters, contrary to popular belief, they will not be aluminum and they will not feature thin, laptop-style keyboards. Clearly people referencing these specs have simply been having feverish dreams after using their MacBook Pros.

Some have stated as fact that these iMacs will feature Apple’s patented pudding over IP technology. This is false. It’s absurd. Preposterous. Everyone knows pudding over IP will appear first in the new Mac Pros that will be announced at Macworld.

Furthermore, several sites have reported that the 2007 iMacs will be hand-crafted by Nepalese virgins from the finest sandalwood. Wrong. That’s the iPhone rev. 2.

Finally, there’s absolutely no truth to the rumors that when Steve Jobs unveils them, the new iMacs will be covered in a protoplasmic ooze that is a by-product of the process by which new Apple products are born from his body.

They’re totally going to clean that stuff off before Tuesday’s event.

C’mon.

Like they’d leave Steve goop all over them.

As if.

Pictures of New iMac Keyboard Leaked.

The Mac community was abuzz over the weekend as pictures of the new iMac keyboard were leaked.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has received its own copies of these tantalizing pictures that represent a bold new direction for Apple design. Please forgive the poor quality of these images. Many Bothans died to bring us this information (not a lot of people know but Bothans are notoriously loose-lipped Mac users).

As has been widely rumored, the new keyboard is ultra-thin. Some would say even paper thin.

Actually, some would say that it is, actually, paper. Indeed, while other sites are saying the new iMacs will feature aluminum enclosures, CARS has learned from reliable sources that they will be paper-based.

While this poses certain problems with conductivity and the potential for fire, Apple sources informed CARS that this was “special” paper that conducts electricity and is non-flammable.

It’s also, they insisted, really cool.

Mac Market Share Grows. Platform Doomed.

While the iPhone has garnered the lion’s share of the attention lately, the Mac has quietly edged up its market share, as sales were up 26% in the second quarter compared to the industry’s 7%.

While this may seem to be good news for the Mac and Apple, several industry experts said just the opposite was true.

Rob Enderle of the esteemed Just Me And The Mrs. Group said “By my estimation, this entire increase is from Apple zealots buying up all the Macs they can in a desperate attempt to rescue the platform. This will fade as they run out of money. Clearly the Mac is in its last throes.

“Oh, and I don’t know why I feel compelled to tell you this, but I ate a lot of paint chips as a child.”

Enderle’s analysis was echoed by John C. “I probably got where I am today because people mistakenly think I invented the keyboard” Dvorak.

“I was talking with a friend of mine,” Dvorak said, “and he accidentally walked into a Mac user group meeting and heard the Mac zealots planning to steal our precious bodily fluids so they could use them to anoint Steve Jobs as their one true god.

“And you Mac zealots can’t complain about me saying this because it’s not me saying it, it’s my friend.

“Who I made up.”

Meanwhile George Ou remained strangely quiet, not looking up from his hobby of performing taxidermy on neighborhood cats. And, for his part, Paul Thurrott merely wanted to know where Enderle had gotten the paint chips because he was feeling a bit peckish.

No New iMacs At WWDC.

After weeks of speculation that next week’s Worldwide Developer’s Conference would see the long-awaited introduction of new iMacs, several sites have recently reported that an iMac refresh is off the table for months.

Some say that this is due to the current line’s continued success while other point to the difficulty in getting high volumes of the backlit LED displays the iMac will feature.

However, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned the real reason the new iMacs will be delayed.

According to sources, the new screens will not only be backlit LEDs, they will also be scratch-n-sniff.

“For years Mac users have dreamed of the ability to have odors delivered to them over the Internet,” said Peter Mehring, head of Mac hardware engineering. “And we’re about to make that dream come true. Our hardware is ready. The problem is there are no sites yet that take advantage of HOML. That’s Hyper Olfactory Markup Language.”

Mehring said that Apple has been trying in vain to get content providers to take advantage of this startling new technology.

“The Food Network. 1800Flowers. We even approached ESPN about having a ‘smell your favorite athlete’ option. What does Serina Williams smell like? I bet a lot of people want to know.

“I know I do.

“Anyway, we can’t launch with just the handful of porn sites we have. That’s just not going to cut it.”

Despite Mehring’s enthusiasm, several beta testers CARS reporters spoke to indicated the technology may benefit from a delay.

“I scratched the hell out of that screen and I still couldn’t smell the peppermint stick,” said Dan Moren. Out of the eight screen elements Moren was given to scratch and then sniff, he could only really smell the orange.

“Although, that is just like a real scratch-n-sniff.”

Apple’s scratch-n-sniff iMacs are expected to be delivered in time for the holiday season.

Hence the peppermint stick.

iMacs May Be Delayed.

Apple fans hoping that next months Worldwide Developers Conference would bring new iMacs will be disappointed to learn that their fate is still unknown.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that new iMacs may delayed because Apple is totally messing with this one guy from Bloomington.

According to sources, new iMacs will not be released until exactly two weeks and one day after 36-year-old Matt Wilson of Bloomington, Minn., buys a current model, whenever that should be.

CEO Steve Jobs, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller and chief operating officer Tim Cook were beside themselves with laughter recounting their treatment of Wilson.

According to Jobs, Apple has been tormenting Wilson since he emailed steve@apple.com in April of 2001 to inquire when new iBooks would be shipping.

“I mean, like I’m going to tell this guy!” Jobs said. “I’m Steve Jobs! As if!

“Then he buys a Titanium PowerBook exactly two weeks and one day before we release the new iBook and he’s totally irate!

“So we totally just had to mess with him after that. And we’ve been doing it ever since. USB 2.0 iMac in 2003. Click wheel iPod in 2004. iBook G4 in 2005. What a maroon.”

“And now… now…” Jobs said, barely able to control his amusement. “Now I’ve got my monkeys from the Mall of America store on constant alert, following this guy, and he keeps coming in and asking… [snort]…”

“Stop it!” howled Cook, who was lying on the floor, pounding it with his fist and heaving with laughter.

“Don’t say it again!” Schiller begged, clutching his stomach. “I think my spleen is going to pop!”

“He keeps asking ‘When are the new iMacs coming?’!” Jobs blurted, causing another round of unbridled amusement.

Unfortunately for others waiting for new iMacs, Wilson has had enough.

“I’m totally not budging on this,” said an oblivious but determined Wilson. “No way, man. I mean, I don’t know what force has been working against me lo these past five years… Fate? Maybe it’s fate. Maybe it’s Satan. Or some lesser demon… I don’t know… but I’m going to beat it this time.

“Unless I have to rip some DVDs or something. Because 1 Ghz just isn’t cutting it.”