Vista Revealed to be Suit of Bats.

Princeton University researchers today announced that Microsoft’s new Windows Vista operating system is nothing but a suit full of bats.

“We were examining the code to find weaknesses in the new DRM [digital rights management] system… um, mostly so we could cheese Microsoft and the RIAA off.. and we discovered that there was no there there,” said Professor Ed Felton.

When Felton and graduate students working closely with him looked behind a closed Vista window, they first saw a shadowy form they assumed to be Vista’s underlying code. On further decompiling, however, the form collapsed into a suit full of bats which flew shrieking away from the computer, escaping over the Internet.

“Nosferatu takes many forms,” Felton said. “Our close work in examining the music and film industry has revealed many of them, including the bag of mice, the box of insects, and former MPAA head Jack Valenti – who, interestingly enough, turns out to be voles operating a marionette.

“Kinda… creepy.”

Further evidence that Vista is simply a suit of bats came during a press conference with Steve Ballmer and Bill Gates, together in a rare appearance at Vista’s launch in New York. When a reporter innocently produced a boxed copy of Tiger to ask if it was the model for Vista, the large X – a cross – on the cover, caused Gates to shriek, emit noxious fumes, and sink into the stage, disappearing from view.

Ballmer, meanwhile, began wailing, “Master, oh Master!” and then ate several cockroaches. The Microsoft CEO was put in a straitjacket and incarcerated in a padded room in the Bellevue Mental Asylum in New York.

Felton said, “The accidental unearthing of an ancient evil was certainly only slightly beyond our expectations. We had hoped to find a timing error that revealed encryption keys, but a suit of bats confirms our worst fears.”

Felton then threw on a cassock, grabbed a vial of water that had dripped from the cooling system of a Linux box, and summoned his students, striding forward into the night.

The Federal Trade Commission said that while consumers who purchase Vista may be unhappy to receive an operating system that contains a suit of bats, the licensing agreement clearly states “Microsoft warrants Vista contains a suit of bats,” and thus returns cannot be forced under federal law.

Angry, Drunken Vista Punches 13-Year-Old.

Highlighting what has become a difficult product launch for Microsoft, the Vista rollout was marred by violence today.

In a sign that the freshly revised operating system is under tremendous pressure after bad reviews and questions about its adoption rate, Vista showed up drunk at a launch party in an East Lansing, Mich., CompUSA.

Stumbling around the store, Vista knocked over a stack of Xboxes and threw up in an open Dell tower.

“Whaddar you lookin’ at?!” the aging celebrity snarled at frightened patrons.

“Yeah, I’m Vista! I’m all new!” the operating system said sarcastically. “At least certain parts of me. Like my graphics. And my tits. Yeah, that’s right. I had my boobs done!

Vista curled up under a row of laptops and began to sob. Minutes later the operating system seemed to have forgotten its despondency and was bouncing around the store like a coke-fueled weasel when it was approached by an over-curious 13-year-old Landon Roberts.

“Don’t touch me!” Vista screamed suddenly, flailing its arms and landing a glancing blow on Roberts.

Roberts, a black belt in karate, proceeded to drop Vista like a dirty sock.

Microsoft declined to comment for this story and even refused to admit that it had ever heard of an operating system called “Vista.”

Vista Launch To Get Special Help.

After scores of mixed reviews and years of criticism over delays, Microsoft has decided to turn to the only person capable of pulling off the Vista launch tomorrow: Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

Sources within Apple report that Microsoft has secured Jobs’ services to conduct a surprise presentation tomorrow touting the latest version of Windows as only Jobs can.

“The only reason Steve agreed to do it,” an Apple source said “is that we just don’t feel that threatened by Windows anymore. And because [Microsoft CEO Steve] Ballmer offered him 18 kajillion dollars.

“I know that sounds like a fake amount, but it’s actually some kind of amount the über-rich conduct business in.”

Despite the concerns of Mac users that Jobs is selling out, the source said Jobs will put the money to good use.

“I believe he’s going to invest it in developing a new product that will put Apple into a market-leading position, much like the iPod. Possibly it will be something monkey-based. It’s an entirely untapped field in technology and people love monkeys.

“OK, yeah, I’ve been running a monkey skunkworks project for five years. But we’re showing a lot of results.”

Reached for comment, Ballmer did admit that Jobs would be delivering a Vista presentation on Tuesday.

“It really made sense because Steve already has experience introducing these features,” Ballmer said.

“We knew the Vista rollout was in trouble because, well, it’s a piece of crap. Yeah, I said it. It’s crap software. Crap-crap-crappity-crap-crap. So we wanted the best possible person to present it. And it ain’t me – I’ve got a perspiration issue – and it ain’t Steven Hawking out of the wheelchair. What’s his name. Frumpy McScrawny. Gates.

“So, I called Jobs and said ‘Whatever you want. If it’s money, we’ve got great piles of it lying around here. Not really a problem.’ He named his price and tomorrow we’ll put it all behind us.

“God damn piece of crap.”

Jobs will perform his keynote-like presentation touting Vista tomorrow that will air on MSNBC and, for some reason, Telemundo.

Microsoft Discontinues the Zune.

Just one day after its release, Microsoft announced today that it is discontinuing the Zune.

Product Manager Scott Erickson said “We gave it our best shot, but it’s become clear that the Zune has failed to gain a purchase in the marketplace.”

Erickson said that the negative reviews and user feedback and Zune reviews that turn into ads for the iPod were overwhelming, creating an insurmountable hill for the Zune to climb.

“People didn’t like the crashing – even with the pictures of chicks getting it on. People didn’t like the weight and the size. People didn’t like the color. People didn’t like the smell of it.”

Holding his Zune up to his face and sniffing it, Erickson muttered “What the hell is that?”

Leaning in, a project engineer said “Sweat socks, sir.”

“Ah. Right.”

Erickson said that the Zune’s termination is actually good news for music fans and fans of Microsoft.

“We heard you loud and clear,” Erickson said. “You said, ‘Fuck no, we don’t want a Zune.’

“Message received.

“That’s why I’m pleased to announce that Microsoft is already working on it’s true iPod killer which we expect to release some time next year.

“Or possibly the year after. But don’t buy any more iPods because you’re really going to want this. Whatever it turns out to be like. Still kicking around some ideas.”

One detail Erickson was able to reveal is that the upcoming “true” iPod killer will feature a totally new DRM system and that any users who have purchased music for the Zune are going to have to buy their tracks all over again.

Internet rumors said it will also allow beamed songs to last for four days or four plays instead of the current three and that it won’t smell like sweat socks as Microsoft recently filed a patent for “a small device that reeks of sauerkraut.”

Microsoft Launches the Zune.

Microsoft released its Zune music player today, a device that the company hopes will challenge the supremacy of the Apple iPod.

In an effort to ensure wide distribution of the device and to leverage its “It’s the social” marketing campaign featuring heroin-chic actors rockin’ out to the Zune, Microsoft has made a bold distribution choice.

In addition to selling the Wi-Fi-enabled Zune through normal retail channels and online, the Zune will also be sold nationally through pushers of heroin and opium derivatives.

“Hey, I’ve got the real stuff, just $399, it’s smokin’ sweet, and brown, real brown,” said one such salesperson encountered on a street in San Francisco’s Tenderloin District.

He declined to provide his name and when asked basic questions about the Zune’s capacity, battery life, and limitations on music exchange, the dealer said, “I’ll cut you!” and moved on.

Analysts fear that some of the target audience – largely 18 to 45, middle-class, white, unmusical individuals with a body-mass index of 25 and higher – may be uncomfortable purchasing their products in cash on unlit streets littered with broken bottles and reeking of urine.

“Hey, that’s how many people buy their first car,” said Zune Product Manager Scott Erickson. Erickson said that his personal car purchase experience was actually much less comfortable and higher pressure.

Responding to criticism of the decision, Erickson said that Microsoft was simply engaging in creative target marketing, as its market research had concluded that anyone interested in buying a Zune would have to already be high on crack.

Zune purchasers can expect follow-up calls, visits, and attacks from the pusher channel, which will demand additional Zune-related purchases every five to 10 days, including music, accessories, additional players, items that fell off trucks, and actual drugs.

In some instances they may move in to your house and use it as a base of operations.

While Microsoft’s new distribution channel has raised some concerns from analysts, another Zune marketing choice is being hailed as a stroke of genius.

According to reviews, all error messages in the Zune software will feature pictures of “girl next door” types engaged in hot lesbian action.

“Users will actually come to want their Zune to crash,” predicted Erickson.

“Which, admittedly, they shouldn’t have to wait long for.”

The Zune went on sale today and large quantities are still reported to be available in all channels.