Category: Microsoft

A poll conducted by Eagle Research Group indicates that 70 percent of Zune users plan on switching to either an iPod or an iPhone as soon as they can.

Clearly, despite Microsoft’s best efforts to put a happy face on its beleaguered digital music player, the Zune is a severe disappointment.

But 70 percent that desired to switch wasn’t the only bad news Eagle Research Found found for the Zune and Microsoft. According to the study:

• 20 percent of that 70 percent said they’d rather be kicked in the groin than use a Zune again.
• 95 percent of iPod users volunteered to do the kicking because they felt the Zune users should have known better in the first place.
• 100 percent of PlaysForSure music is incompatible with the Zune. That wasn’t actually part of the survey, we just like to point it out every chance we get because it’s so fricking hysterical.
• The number one complaint of the 70 percent who said they would switch: premature squirting.
• 35 percent of Zune owners have that funky brown Zune smell.
• 70 percent of Steve Ballmer’s body consists of chicken parts deemed unsuitable for human consumption – mostly waddles and anuses.

That last one actually didn’t come from the survey, it came from the U.S. Poultry Council.

When reached for comment, Apple said that Zune owners would have to apply for iPod ownership and iPhone ownership would only be allowed for those with very good references.

An outcry erupted from the Mac community today as Microsoft announced that it was discontinuing MSN for the Mac.

Disappointed Mac users across the globe vented their frustrations in blog posts, forum messages and emails.

“Huh?” said Macworld editor Jason Snell. “I thought they killed that back when they killed IE. Yeah, I’m sure of it.

“No? Huh. Well… uh…

“OK. I mean, what do you want me to say?”

Snell’s fury was equally matched by that of TidBITS’ Adam Engst.

“They canceled what now?” Engst, the author of one of the earliest books on how to get on the Internet, asked. “When did they make a Mac version of that?

“And why?

“And why are you calling me? And how did you get this number?

“And, hey, wait… they killed this back in 2005. What the…?”

The same level of furious rage could also be felt emanating from Apple, although it met the announcement with stony silence.

Except for CEO Steve Jobs who, when reached for comment, launched into a furious expletive-ridden screed.

Although that may have been over how we got his home number.

Just days after Apple’s announcement that it had sold 100 million iPods, Microsoft’s Zune celebrated a milestone of its own.

According to a press release issued by the company today, its 100th Zune was sold to 13-year-old Dieter Ebersbacher in Shreveport, Illinois, and is a sign of its success in the marketplace.

“The sale of the 100th Zune is a sign that it has captured a secure foothold in the market and it totally doesn’t suck,” said Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer.

Asked to explain the discrepancy between this and its previously announced sales figures, Ballmer said “Well, when you take out the units we’ve just stuffed into the channel and then you take out the units that have gone to reviewers… and the units we’ve just outright given away… you’re left with… uh… a hundred. Now. Like, just now.

“I’ve totally been telling that guy… uh… whatsits… um… Foureyes McFloodpants… Gates! I’ve totally been telling him to lay off on how well the Zune’s been doing. Totally.”

Perhaps most unfortunately for Microsoft, Ebersbacher apparently bought the unit thinking it was an iPod.

“It is not iPod?” Ebersbacher asked. “Ach du lieber! I am being exchange student von Reichshof-Mittelagger! With receipt I can return, ja?”

While Ballmer did ultimately admit that the Zune’s current market position was not quite what the company had hoped, he then – after absolutely no prodding on the part of reporters – laid the plans for an upcoming flash-based model on the table, winking effusively. The plans had the words “IPOD NANO KILLER” emblazoned across the top.

Upon closer review, however, the plans seem to consist of a crude drawing of flash memory chip in a box with the words “Ninja powers!”, “Awesome!” and “Death to iPod!” written around it in crayon.

The technology world was rocked yesterday as news leaked that Microsoft is planning a Zune phone.

Today, as details of the Zune phone began to leak on the Internet, analysts quickly came to the conclusion that the Zune phone would suck as badly as the Zune itself.

According to sources, in another moment of Microsoft marketing genius, the Zune phone will be called the “Zellular Phone Call”.

“As ‘tune’ is to ‘Zune’,” explained blogger Robert Scoble, “‘Cellular phone call’ is to ‘Zellular Phone Call’. See, it’s all about the user scenario. In this case, making a zellular phone call.

“Oops! I mean ‘cellular’. Although, it’s quite possible that everyone will start calling them ‘zellular phone calls’ once the Zellular Phone Call takes off.

“And there I mean the Zune phone.

“Uh… it’s, um… well… uh…”

Scoble also said that if you add a “z” to the front of anything, it automatically becomes cool, edgy and hip, and it totally doesn’t suck.

People who are actually cool, edgy and hip, however, say that Scoble is wrong.

“No, that totally sucks,” said 43Folders.com‘s Merlin Mann. “And it also just doesn’t make any sense.”

Beyond just the name, however, sources indicate that the Zellular Phone Call will have certain limitations inherited from the Zune platform.

For example, all calls will be wrapped in Microsoft’s DRM and the end-user license agreement will state that the contents of each call will be the property of Microsoft in perpetuity. Also, the Zellular Phone Call will only allow you to call someone three times. After that, every time you try to call that person you will hear a recording of a representative of the Recording Industry Association of America calling you a thief and yelling obscenities and threats at you.

Despite these serious drawbacks, Microsoft apologists continued to insist that the Zellular Phone Call was an “iPhone killer”.

“The Zellular Phone Call is an iPhone killer,” said Rob Enderle of the Enderle Group.

This comment was followed by a long pause as reporters waited for some sort of support for this contention.

“Uh, I got nothing after that. Usually that’s enough to get me quoted.”

Apple declined to comment for this story.

“Hey, it worked again!” exclaimed Enderle.