iPod Still So Totally Doomed.

As analysts continue to wet themselves in excitement over the impending release of the Microsoft iPod killer, details about the device continue to trickle out.

An article by the Seattle Times’ Brier Dudley says that the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player, coded named Argo, will be much more than just an MP3 player. It will also act as a wireless platform for games like the PSP.

Strangely, it will also leave little raisins around your house like an Angora bunny.

The device is not yet complete according to Dudley, but it’s scheduled for release for the holiday shopping season and may be being rushed so that it can be announced at Microsoft’s July 27th meeting with financial analysts. Given the company’s track record in meeting deadlines and its ability to turn out quality X.0 releases on a rush schedule this can only spell doom for the iPod.

Or it could spell “xkljadefklja;vjadk.”

But, in yet another sign that the iPod is like so totally doomed, Microsoft will offer license parity for songs already purchased from the iTunes Music Store, so you can bring your music with you to the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service. This will amount to a $1 billion giveaway simply to entice users to the new service – a steep price for any company – but Rob Enderle of the group of the same name indicates Microsoft “is wicked boss and has magical powers.”

How this will be accomplished technologically is that the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service will log on to the iTunes Music Store, view what songs you already own and transfer those assets to their Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service counterparts.

Microsoft expects Apple to send them the fully documented API for how to do this any day now.

Just in case you still don’t believe the iPod is doomy-doom-doom-doomèd, analysts predict that the strength of the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service will be its ability to play music on a whole mess of devices that were designed to do something else, which consumer are known to love to do.

Many analysts are recommending that iPod users just go ahead and sell their iPods right now while they still have some value and listen to their old vinyl LPs until they receive their new Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player. If rumors are true, Microsoft is just going to go ahead and buy one for each and every person on the planet.

“They could totally do that,” said Rob Enderle. “Totally.”

Microsoft Planning iPod Killer.

According to numerous reports today, Microsoft – after failing with third-party hardware vendors – is set to release an iPod killer of its own for the holiday shopping season.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources indicate the device will be called the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player.

The Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player will come with a stunning new feature: the ability to download songs wirelessly. This feature is certain to leapfrog the iPod provided that time stands still between now and Christmas.

Microsoft has also implemented an easy-to-use system for downloading music to the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has obtained an advanced copy of the instructions for the new device:

  1. To download a song, click on the Start menu on your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player.
  2. Navigate to Programs then Connectivity.
  3. Find the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Setup Wizard and launch it.
  4. Call the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Activation Hotline. Please be prepared to provide the serial number of your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player, your credit card number, your social security number, Pete Rose’s on-base percentage for 1973 expressed in hexadecimal, and the 15000 KB representation of your personal genome.
  5. Type the 128-character code you receive from the certified Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Activation Hotline specialist into your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player using the optional full-sized keyboard. If you did not purchase the optional full-sized keyboard, use the Microsoft Scroll Panel to select the appropriate ASCII character code for each of the 128 characters in your activation code and enter it using the Microsoft ASCII Character Selection Button, found right next to the Microsoft Unicode Character Selection Input Actuator in the lower left section of the section of buttons reserved for inputting character codes. If your thumb cramps up, please ask a friend to finish entry for you. Entry must be completed in 30 seconds or the code is invalidated and you need to start over.
  6. Congratulations! Once activation has been achieved, you’re ready to start the process of moving toward the process before the process where you’ll be able to download your first song! From the Start menu…

It pretty much goes on like that.

Also, near the end, the company warns that it can delete your music at any time if it thinks your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Code is invalid or “has too many threes.” The company, apparently, does not like threes.

After users have successfully navigated Microsoft’s easy-to-use system and have reached the company’s music store, they will find a myriad of exciting music, TV shows and movies that have all been DRM-ed up the ass.

One beta tester for the product indicated that the song he was listening to was so DRM-laden that it had become distorted.

“It sounds like some sort of nonsensical throaty warbling. It doesn’t even sound like music anymore.”

The source paused, looking down at the confusing mash of items displayed on the screen of his Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player.

“Oh, wait. I think this is just Creed.”

To date Apple has not expressed any concern over Microsoft’s repeated attempts to kill the iPod, unless yawning loudly is how some people express concern.

Gates Details Plan For "iPod Killers."

In a question and answer with students, Bill Gates revealed his master plan to create a line of “iPod killers”.

According to the Microsoft founder, the company will focus on developing synergistic relationships with its many hardware partners that leverage value and increase “buy-in”.

Which, he claims, will somehow result in “hot products.”

Unfortunately for Gates, however, the students were unable to hear his comments as they were already listening to their iPods.

“WHAT?” yelled iPod shuffle owner Rick Levitas.  “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

“SORRY, DUDE,” said iPod nano owner Darren Nantz.  “I CAN’T HEAR HIM.  MY IPOD IS ON TOO LOUD.”

Pointing to his iPod for emphasis, Nantz repeated two inches from Levitas’ face “TOO LOUD!”

He then held up his hands and shrugged as if to indicate there was nothing he could do about it.

Levitas stared at him briefly before yelling “WHAT?”

Gates quickly moved on to a question about what his favorite color is.