Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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Q: I have an SE that I need to connect through a LocalTalk network to an ethernet router and then to a wireless LAN. But I’m really more interested in getting answers to the big questions of life.

A: Oh, you mean like are we alone in the universe?

Q: No. I was thinking more like how does pudding work?

A: How does it work? What does that even mean? You just get a spoon and…

Q: Well, what color is air?

A: It’s not really a color…

Q: Why are there sheep?

A: Mutton, I’d guess. Tasty, tasty mutton.

Q: Who first made dirt?

A: I’m going to have to guess the Mesopotamians.

Q: Why is there no pork sushi?

A: Are you kidding me?

Q: And finally, what’s that thing in my ear?

A: Uh, that would be your finger.

Q: Ah. So it is.
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Q: I’m a long-time Mac user and I have a few favorites, but I was wondering if you have any suggestions for good word processing applications.

A: Oh, no, no. A few “favorites”? Right. I’ve seen this kind of behavior before, my friend.

Q: What?

A: I’m not going to validate your sickness.

Q: Sickness? What are you talking about?

A: You have an addiction to word processors.

Q: What?! No I don’t. I can quit any time I want.

A: Oh, really? Well, then, delete one of them.

Q: Fine. No problem. Pick one.

A: OK. Mellel.

Q: What?! No, no. I can’t delete Mellel. It’s got such a nice interface. Just, um, pick another.

A: OK. AbiWord.

Q: Uh…

A: C’mon. It looks like ass.

Q: Well, yes, but it’s open-source. I just really like to support open-source.

A: Sure you do. And I’m sure you like Mariner Write because you like to support small software developers.

Q: Um…

A: And you like Pages because it’s from Apple.

Q: Well, sure…

A: And you like Nisus because it has a jaunty icon.

Q: It is jaunty!

A: So, there it is. You can’t even delete one word processing application.

Q: Tell you what, I’ll delete Word.

A: Oh, jeez, talk about an empty gesture! Get some help, man!
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Q: Hey, I just installed the iPhone 1.1.2 update and it bricked my iPhone!

A: Oh, that’s a drag. Did you run jailbreak on it?

Q: [sigh] Yes. And the stupid thing is, I did the same thing on my last iPhone. I didn’t restore before running the update. Bricked it up good.

A: So you’re on your second iPhone?

Q: I wish. No, let’s see, there was iPhone number 1 – that one I lost in a mosh pit the day after the iPhone release in June…

A: Uh-huh.

Q: Then there was iPhone number 2 which was devoured by ravenous beavers.

A: That’ll happen.

Q: iPhone number 3 was the one I had the longest. And then one day it just exploded. Boom.

A: Really?

Q: Well… there was something of a mishap, shall we say, involving some, um, C4.

A: Right.

Q: And then there was iPhone number 4.

A: What happened to that one?

Q: Uh, I’d rather not say.

A: Why not?

Q: It’s lodged somewhere… personal.

A: You know, maybe you just weren’t meant to have nice things.

Q: I’m also starting to wonder if that’s not the case.

Apple Release Notes To Get More Cryptic.

Apple’s release notes, oft criticized for their scarcity of information, are about to get even more cryptic.

When Apple delivers the iPhone 1.1.2 update tomorrow, sources say, the company will have the release notes performed by mimes, the first in its new strategy for the medium.

“Many developers do not realize this,” said Apple’s senior vice president of software engineering Bertrand Serlet, “But we consider our release notes to be performance art.

“We tried a minimalist style – giving out as little information about a particular update – and it apparently wasn’t popular so we’re taking it in a different direction. Now our users can have a greater appreciation for the pathos, humor and joie de vivre of the iPhone 1.1.2 update than can be expressed through the mere written word.”

Some, however, expressed concern over the move.

“Apple should really be careful here,” said TidBITS‘ Adam Engst. “Because some people really hate mimes. Like all people. It’s one of the few things that brings people of all kinds together. Except the French, of course.”

Indeed, according to the Anti-Defamation League, the number of hate crimes against mimes was greater in 2006 than those against any other group, with the exception of gay black Jewish lawyers.

It’s still unknown exactly how mimes will be able to convey complex ideas such as “There is a known issue with garbage-collected applications using Core Image to process frames from Core Video”. But Serlet insisted that Apple followers will be swept away by the emotional power of a mime performing release notes such as “Xcode now passes the path to the SDK in use to Rez using the -isysroot flag”.

Apple customers are asked to tip the mimes whatever spare change they have and to refrain from kicking them, no matter how great the temptation.

Canada Buys Apple.

In a stunning conclusion to years of wild, unsubstantiated speculation about various firms possibly buying Apple, the firm was bought late today buy the nation of Canada.

According to sources, the weakening of the U.S. dollar against the Canadian dollar finally drove the purchasing power of the lower 50’s frigid and drunken stepsister to the north high enough to make the buyout attractive.

“We’re pleased to announce that Apple is now owned by the people of Canada,” said Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “We figured we were going to buy a mess of iPods anyway, so why not just buy Apple? We also bought a couple of jars of barbecue sauce and reacquired Wayne Gretzky.”

According to Harper, Canada has had its eye on Apple for several years now, viewing acquisition as its only recourse to what it perceives as numerous slights inflicted by the company.

“We got the iTunes Store after almost every other industrialized nation,” Harper noted. “I actually think Burkina Faso got their iTunes Store before we did. And then they were going to shaft us on the iPhone? Well, I believe that’s enough using of our toothbrush, thank you very much, Mr. Jobs.”

It’s unknown exactly what this means for Jobs, but it seems likely that he will not be comfortable working for 33 million Mountie humpers. Further, it seems logical to conclude that once Jobs steps down, the most likely choice for a replacement as CEO would be Canada’s native son, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller.

It is known that the company will be rebranded “Maple”, as apple trees cannot grow in Canada’s frozen tundra.

Tablet! Tablet! Tablet!

Amazing news rocked the Apple world today as a furtive comment at a dinner party has confirmed that Apple is working on a tablet device.

In the world of Apple rumors, it doesn’t get any more rock-solid than a furtive comment at a dinner party.

As exciting as this news is, it also has implications for the rumor business. Many Apple observers have long considered the tablet device to be the Holy Grail of Apple rumors.

“We may be looking at the end of the Apple rumor business,” said AppleInsider’s Ryan Katz. “I mean, after this, I got nothing. What else is there? We did the Intel switch. We did the phone. What’s left?”

Other than the sexbot beat (double entendres are fun!) which currently is only being worked by reporters at Crazy Apple Rumors Site, sources indicate that the rest of the rumor sites are just working on the tablet, the 10.5.1 update and what Greg Joswiak had for lunch.

“It was a soup of some kind,” said ThinkSecret’s Nick dePlume. “Could have been chili. We’ll have an exclusive on today’s lunch sometime later in the week.”

“This lunch beat is a daily grind,” dePlume complained.

The rumors sites will be holding a general symposium next week to discuss other crap we can make up that Apple might possibly maybe release some day, some time in the future.