Crazy Apple Rumors Site

Friday Feature: Do-It Yourself Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

But today’s Help Desk is Do-It-Yourself as the Crud™ has struck down the entire staff. Actually, the only reason we came into the office at all was to fill out our time cards.

So, I’ll provide the template and… well… have at it.

Don’t forget the sexual innuendo. Ugluk appearances are popular. If you get stuck you can always fall back on an Amelio reference.

Oh, and bonus points if you can work in something about big butts. Everyone likes big butts. Or references to big butts. Or… pictures of big butts, of course…

Uhhh…

I don’t feel so good.

Former CFO Blames Jobs.

Former Apple CFO Fred Anderson, in a statement released after his settlement with the SEC, said that he was directed by CEO Steve Jobs to inappropriately backdate options to company executives.

In a statement issued by his lawyer, Anderson said:

Mr. Anderson informed Steve that there would be certain accounting implications to setting a strike date in the mid-18th century, but he wouldn’t listen to him. Instead he taunted Mr. Anderson, adopting a fake cockney accent and telling him “You’d bettah quit lollygagging and backdate those shares or ah’ll sell ya to Mr. Sowerberry the undertaker for naught but a quid right quick!”

Mr. Anderson frankly had no idea what the hell he was talking about but it didn’t sound very good so he went ahead and backdated the shares.

In addition, Mr. Anderson would like everyone to know that Jobs frequently forced him to pretend he was a pony and give him rides around his office.

He would have refused, but he liked getting a sugar cube and being groomed at the end.

As noted yesterday, however, the Apple board has indicated that it stands behind Jobs 100%. In its own statement the board said:

Steve is totally super-cool and we’re totally going to marry him and be Mrs. Steve Jobs some day.

And Fred… well, we never really liked Fred, actually. We were totally just pretending to so he wouldn’t feel bad. Because he was such a mega-loser.

We didn’t want to say anything at the time, but he smelled like feet a little and his mom always packed him pimento loaf with mayonnaise on Wonder Bread sandwiches for lunch which we thought was a little weird.

I mean, apart from the fact that the guy’s like 55 and his mom is still packing his lunch, yuck. Pimento loaf is just nasty.

Oh, jeez, and the juice boxes. Can’t forget the juice boxes.

What a dork.

A spokesperson for the SEC said they would take these statements under advisement.

Another Blockbuster Quarter for Apple.

Apple announced another fantastic quarter today, shattering expectations for earnings and Mac sales growth.

Earnings grew by 88% and Mac sales by 36%. Further, the company reported that COO Tim Cook has grown by an astonishing 50% and is now over nine feet tall.

“Tim is just huge, said CEO Steve Jobs. “He’s scary kind of huge. He’s having trouble finding clothes that will fit him. He needs orthopedic belts. I heard he went skiing last month and had to wear oven mitts.

“Oven mitts! Ha-ha! It’s crazy! Ahhhh…

“But seriously, though, we’re a little concerned after what happened to Andre the Giant. I’m insisting he go to the doctor regularly.”

Apple also indicated that it was making several accounting changes. While it has decided to capitalize R&D costs, it said that it will change a long-standing policy and allow employees to expense their subscriptions to Cocoa and Guns and Naked Coders’ Confidential.

In related news, the Apple board announced just before the conference call that Jobs had its full support in the options probe. Oddly, shortly after the call, Jockey also announced that it “supported” Jobs, through its popular line of briefs for men.

After the call, several analysts said they could hear CFO Peter Oppenheimer lean back and light a cigarette. Before he abruptly pressed the mute button, Oppenheimer was heard to sigh “Ooh. That was good. Yeah.”

…

Here’s a picture of Peter Oppenheimer if you need help with a visual of him in post-conference call ecstasy.

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You know… wearing nothing but a big terry cloth robe.

…

Eww.

New Shirts!

Many members of the Apple community have complained about the outrageous prices at some sites that sell t-shirts in order to support their crack habits.

Or maybe it’s heroin. Or smack. Or…

Wait, is smack the same thing as heroin?

Well, whatever dangerous addiction these hippie punks are all hopped up on (Goofballs? Maybe it’s goofballs) there’s no reason the more upstanding members of the Apple community should have to support it.

That’s why Crazy Apple Rumors Site is proud to announce new shirts that are reasonably priced at $19 (the Cafe Press minimum – we are not making a dime off of them) and don’t carry the taint of enabling someone who’d probably only blow it on something that is to their own personal moral detriment.

This is a Crazy Apple Rumors Site original design, not some cheap knock-off, so I don’t want to hear a lot of bitching and moaning about copyright.

Well, OK, they’re cheap. Of course they’re cheap. I mean, Cafe Press just does those iron-on jobbies…

But they’re totally original.

Totally.

Here, take a look:

Now where ya gonna find another shirt even remotely like that, beeotch? Nowhere, that’s where. It’s hip, it’s happenin’, it’s fresh, it’s keepin’ it real and it’s what the kiddies want.

At least the ones not all hopped up on goofballs.

This shirt is a limited edition run – in as much as there is a limited supply of cotton on the Earth – so act now.

Click here to buy!

And… you know… there will probably be some legal action. Possibly before dawn.

So click now!

…

Well?

Go on.

LATE-BREAKING UPDATE: This site – which I had never hear of before – seems to have appropriated our shirt concept for its entire design and now has the hubris to threaten us! Well, good luck with that! Everyone knows lesbian ninja sexbots beat bat-wielding thugs in the Russian mafia. Everyone.

Jobs Cleared in Options Probe.

Apple fans across the globe rejoiced today as it was announced that Steve Jobs has likely been cleared in the backdated stock options probe that has embroiled the company.

Sources close to the Apple CEO indicate he celebrated today by forcing Apple’s accounts payable department to write him a whole mess of checks.

“I have no idea why I bothered with this whole options thing!” Jobs said. “I mean, I’m the CEO! I can just tell them to write me checks.

“Or I could tell them to get me cash…

“Ooh…

“Or bullion…

“Or… chickens…

“Or chicken bouillon…”

Meanwhile, the SEC has focused its interest on the actions of former General Counsel Nancy Heinen and former CFO Fred Anderson.

Heinen and Anderson are now reportedly on the run together, having stolen a vintage red Ford Mustang.

The two former Apple executives were last seen at a truck stop on Route 66. They stood out, eyewitnesses said, because Heinen insisted on being called “Thelma” and Anderson “Louise”.

Authorities have cordoned off every cliff along a 80-mile stretch of Route 66.

Apple has ordered 6,000 chickens which either means it’s Nugget Week at Caffe Macs or Jobs has picked a new form of compensation.