Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

It’s been a long week for us, so we’ll just take some quick questions about the hardware announced at the Macworld keynote.

Q: The iPhone uses GSM and not CDMA, despite the fact that CDMA is clearly a better technology. Why?

A: Steve Jobs loves simplicity and GSM has one fewer letter. Although, if one of them had an “i” in front of it, he would have picked that one because he loves style above all else. Except meth. He’s addicted to the meth. Next question.

Q: Why Cingular? Cingular ran over my dog and stole my lunch money. They said it was for data services, but I was going to buy some tater tots with it. Anyway, I hate Cingular.

A: All cell service providers are evil, lying sacks of alien pus who would rather suck us bone-dry of our precious bodily fluids than make our service experience pleasant. There are no good answers here and anyone in the comments who says “I love T-Mobile!” or some shit is a lying jackass or so jacked up on meth that they’re actually dialing on a Sesame Street phone and thinking they’re gettin’ great reception when they’re talkin’ to Elmo. The real answer is that Steve probably already used Cingular and didn’t want to switch.

Q: What the hell is the deal with Cingular CEO Stan Sigman? He read his keynote speech from index cards! Index cards! And he was wearing a Cingular blazer! What the hell is this, 1968?! Who are these people?!

A: Stan Sigman is president and chief executive officer of Cingular Wireless, the nation’s leading wireless carrier. He is responsible for all aspects of the company’s operations. Stan is an avid golfer and is known to his friends as “Stan” and sometimes “Stan the man.” Stan enjoys white bread, mayonnaise and long walks in the rain with his accountant, Herb Grossman, as they discuss Stan’s return for the current fiscal year. Stan is a Pisces and is allergic to shellfish.

Q: The Appletv is teh suck. It doesn’t even do HD. And I can’t download movies from it – I have to use my PC. My PlayStation is totally better. Hell, NetFlix is better.

A: Yeah. Or you and your jackass friends could just act out the scenes ad naseum! Oh, wait, that’s right… you already do! It’s no wonder none of you ever get laid. How many chicks do you think like to watch you and Branson do that scene from Starship Troopers? Here’s a hint: zero. Besides, your entire collection is on Beta, so what the hell are you talking about? How did you even do that anyway?

Q: I have a tape-to-tape! And Beta’s a superior format!

A: Next.

Q: I have a Blue & White G3 tower. Can I use that to stream video to…

A: Oh, give it up, Gordy.

Apple Community to Apple: This Relationship Is Smothering Us.

While most Apple fans heralded the coming of the iPhone, its announcement has prompted many in the community to wonder if Apple is starting to expect too much from us.

Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life said “First they asked me to love the Mac and I did. Then they asked me to love the iPod. So, yeah, sure, OK, I love the iPod.

“Now I have to love the iPhone? What’s next? Are they going to get a cat? I hate cats. And then they want me to meet their parents and then they want to move in with me.”

Others in the community echoed King’s concerns about where this relationship is going.

“Everything was going along just fine and then Steve starts getting all weepy,” said MacCentral’s Jim Dalrymple. “I hate it when you get into a relationship with someone and all of a sudden, out of fricking nowhere, they get all weepy on you. What a bunch of emotional blackmail crap. He’s just trying to manipulate me and I’m not playing along with these psycho mind games.”

Dalrymple paused for a moment.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Steve. I’m just… I’m just dealing with some shit of my own right now. I’m sorry. I’ll buy an iPhone. Just… stop crying. OK?”

The Apple community expressed surprise at the company’s recent turn toward clinginess and had wondered aloud if maybe it was time for it to just be apart from the company for a little while.

Then, however, it got drunk, went on a late-night shopping spree at the Apple Store and woke up the next to senior vice president of retail Ron Johnson.

Two Macworld facts

As the remainder of the presentations for the week appear to be by people whose names do not rhyme with “sleeve snobs”, we have scurried back to the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters to detox and get some rest.

You know it was a big couple of days when you can truthfully utter the words “I saw Cheap Trick.” And you know it was a bigger couple of days when you can’t say the words “I saw Cheap Trick” because there’s some girl’s panties that she put in your mouth with her phone number written on them.

That didn’t happen to me, of course, it was Thor, but it was pretty cool just to see it happen.

Uh, you know, actually, it also happened to Ugluk if I remember correctly.

And Howard.

Hmm.

Oh, and Masako.

Huh.

…

Well, Peter Cohen did grab my ass.

So, you know, the trip wasn’t a complete loss.

Oh, and there was something about a phone, I seem to remember…

But getting back to Cheap Trick, I have to thank Microsoft’s Mac Business Unit for getting us in to MacBlast. We had some other offers of help but they were the ones who came through in the end.

That, of course, means that we are indebted to them and must now provide nothing favorable coverage of Microsoft, Windows and the Zune.

Wow.

At least that’s what it says on the back of the tickets. I really should have read that before agreeing to take them. Those guys are crazy with the EULAs.

Also, since they were so nice to us, I’d like to personally apologize for something juvenile I once wrote about Roz Ho.

I’m terribly sorry.

Really.

It was just a cheap shot (but not a Cheap Trick, because they rock!) and, Roz, you should know that it’s not about you, it’s about me. It was – like this entire site and my highly publicized relationship with Jessica Simpson – a desperate cry for attention. So, please accept my humblest apologies.

But…

Well, you know, in fairness to me, you probably heard it all through high school anyway.

Unless that’s your married name.

I wonder if anyone in the MacBU calls her R-Ho?

Anyway, let’s talk about the phone. Now, I’ve been reading a lot of whiny-assed crap from a bunch of pathetic losers who are bitching and moaning about piddly little things like “Boo-hoo-hoo, it’s too expensive!” or “Ooooh, it’s Cingular only!” or “Whaaa, it’s GSM and not CDMA!”

So, let me talk directly to these miserable excuses for Apple fans. The rest of you can tune out for a bit.

Hey.

HEY.

HEY!

WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!

Did you see Steve at the end of the keynote?! He was practically crying!

Listen, let me say this and I’m going to try to be as clear as I possibly can because you’re obviously fricking stupid.

The people at Apple don’t make these awesome products to make money. They make them because they love you.

I know some people (like my mother) don’t like it when I use this word, but if there’s ever an appropriate use of it it’s right here and right now to you numb nuts.

Shut the fuck up.

That’s right.

Shut.

The.

Fuck.

Up.

If you don’t want to buy the glorious technological marvel that Steve hath delivered unto us as Prometheus of old, that’s your prerogative. You’re an idiot, but it’s your prerogative.

But I’ll be damned if I’ll sit by and hear you sully this man’s life work.

Even if it is his third life work.

So…

I hope I’ve made my point.

Don’t make me travel the globe so I can smack each and every one of you.

Uh, anyway, we had a good time.

That’s all I wanted to say.

  1. In my quest to touch as many Apple executives as possible, I actually did manage to touch senior vice president of retail Ron Johnson, but he was the only one. He was talking to someone and I walked up and touched him on the arm and walked away. He seemed confused. I have no idea why.
  2. Peter Cohen really did grab my ass. Apparently the social rules that apply at Macworld are similar to those in prison.

Notes From Macworld.

As the remainder of the presentations for the week appear to be by people whose names do not rhyme with “sleeve snobs”, we have scurried back to the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters to detox and get some rest.

You know it was a big couple of days when you can truthfully utter the words “I saw Cheap Trick.” And you know it was a bigger couple of days when you can’t say the words “I saw Cheap Trick” because there’s some girl’s panties that she put in your mouth with her phone number written on them.

That didn’t happen to me, of course, it was Thor, but it was pretty cool just to see it happen.

Uh, you know, actually, it also happened to Ugluk if I remember correctly.

And Howard.

Hmm.

Oh, and Masako.

Huh.

…

Well, Peter Cohen did grab my ass.

So, you know, the trip wasn’t a complete loss.

Oh, and there was something about a phone, I seem to remember…

But getting back to Cheap Trick, I have to thank Microsoft’s Mac Business Unit for getting us in to MacBlast. We had some other offers of help but they were the ones who came through in the end.

That, of course, means that we are indebted to them and must now provide nothing favorable coverage of Microsoft, Windows and the Zune.

Wow.

At least that’s what it says on the back of the tickets. I really should have read that before agreeing to take them. Those guys are crazy with the EULAs.

Also, since they were so nice to us, I’d like to personally apologize for something juvenile I once wrote about Roz Ho.

I’m terribly sorry.

Really.

It was just a cheap shot (but not a Cheap Trick, because they rock!) and, Roz, you should know that it’s not about you, it’s about me. It was – like this entire site and my highly publicized relationship with Jessica Simpson – a desperate cry for attention. So, please accept my humblest apologies.

But…

Well, you know, in fairness to me, you probably heard it all through high school anyway.

Unless that’s your married name.

I wonder if anyone in the MacBU calls her R-Ho?

Anyway, let’s talk about the phone. Now, I’ve been reading a lot of whiny-assed crap from a bunch of pathetic losers who are bitching and moaning about piddly little things like “Boo-hoo-hoo, it’s too expensive!” or “Ooooh, it’s Cingular only!” or “Whaaa, it’s GSM and not CDMA!”

So, let me talk directly to these miserable excuses for Apple fans. The rest of you can tune out for a bit.

Hey.

HEY.

HEY!

WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!

Did you see Steve at the end of the keynote?! He was practically crying!

Listen, let me say this and I’m going to try to be as clear as I possibly can because you’re obviously fricking stupid.

The people at Apple don’t make these awesome products to make money. They make them because they love you.

I know some people (like my mother) don’t like it when I use this word, but if there’s ever an appropriate use of it it’s right here and right now to you numb nuts.

Shut the fuck up.

That’s right.

Shut.

The.

Fuck.

Up.

If you don’t want to buy the glorious technological marvel that Steve hath delivered unto us as Prometheus of old, that’s your prerogative. You’re an idiot, but it’s your prerogative.

But I’ll be damned if I’ll sit by and hear you sully this man’s life work.

Even if it is his third life work.

So…

I hope I’ve made my point.

Don’t make me travel the globe so I can smack each and every one of you.

Uh, anyway, we had a good time.

That’s all I wanted to say.

Post-Keynote Keynote Live Blog!

After a long, sweaty wait without any refreshments or lounge chairs (c’mon, Apple!), we’re in! I think I made John Gruber angry in the line. I pointed at him from across the way and he gave me a “What the hell are you looking at?” face.

Sooooo like a Yankee fan…

It’s 9:01 and the Apple Store is down!

Oh, wait, I just can’t get a connection. Sorry. My bad.

I bet I could get a connection if I had an Apple Phone. I hear those are going to be wicked boss.

Wait a second.

Nope. Just checked under my chair. No Apple phone. I thought maybe we’d all get free Apple Phones. Nope.

Just some crappy tablet device.

Huh.

Suppose that’s kind of cool. Pen-based input. I dunno.

I was expecting a phone.

Oh, no. It’s 9:11 and Steve hasn’t taken the stage yet!

Oh, my god, Steve Jobs has been fired!

AAAAAAAAH!

AAAAAAAAH!

NOOOOOOOO!

Oh, no, wait, they’re just starting late.

The lights are dimming! James Brown is done!

Steve!

Jobs!

Jeans!

Turtleneck!

Technology!

Whiskey!

Sexy!

Steve’s touting the switch to Intel.

Oooh, Steve burns Jim Alchin as he rightly should be burned.

New Mac guy ad for Vista! With a butt joke!

And, uh, he’s done with the Mac for the day.

Wow.

I’m literally holding onto my seat. It’s really hard to type like this but I’m afraid I’m just going to go flying out of my chair because of the awesomeness.

iPod. Sexy. iTunes. Over 2 billion songs.

1.2 million in 2006, twice 2005. 5 million songs a day.

But, Steve…

iTunes sales are down. I read it somewhere.

Well, he can’t hear me.

iTunes has passed Amazon. 50 million TV shows sold. 1.3 million movies sold.

And all that without selling a lick of porn.

And who doesn’t like a nice lick of porn?

Paramount is joining iTunes! Exclamation mark! Steve said they have “all 6 Star Trek movies.”

All six?

Actually, you know what? That’s fine.

Steve burns the Zune. Literally.

New iPod ad. And a variant. I missed the first one trying to type with my nose so I’m not sure what the difference is.

Apple TV! Apple logo, small “tv”. There should be an exclamation mark. And an ampersand. Ampersands are awesome.

720p HD video. 40 GB hard drive. 802.11 b+g+n! AND Z!

You can autosync from one PC and stream from up to 5. He’s streaming the trailer for the Good Sheperd, but I gotta tell you, on a 40-foot screen…

…it looks a little pixellated.

So, if you have a 40-foot screen at home…

He’s showing music on the Apple tv and the first album that floats by is Sgt. Pepper.

WHA!

Oh, holy crap, I just noticed I’m sitting next to Ringo.

PHIL! Phil comes on to play the part of Steve’s neighbor coming over with his MacBook to stream some stuff to Steve’s Apple tv. I love the image of this fantasy neighborhood where Steve lives next to Phil. Tim Cook lives next to him. They wave at each other every morning when they get the paper…

Taking orders today! $299! Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!

DRAMATIC PAUSE.

3 new products!

Whaaaaa! [clunk]

Oh, crap, I fell out of my chair.

Widescreen iPod!

Mobile phone!

Internet communications device!

Technology!

Whiskey!

Sexy!

And they’re all the same device!

Ah, Steve has a little fun at our expense. He put up a picture of an original iPod with a rotary dial.

Ha-ha. Just leave the jokes to the professionals, Mr. Funny Pants.

iPhone will be smart and easy to use. Revolutionary user interface using a pointer we’re all born with! Apple is introducing butt-control!

Oh, he’s talking about the finger.

iPhone runs OS X.

Whaaaaa! [clunk]

Ah, crap, I fell out of my chair again.

iPhone syncs through iTunes. 160 ppi screen. And only one button! Hey, I was right! 2 megapixel camera. Proximity sensor. Killer laser beams. Nuclear attack mode! Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!

“You can touch your music.”

What if I want to grope my music? Can I do that?

Another Beatles reference.

Can I just make an aside that this is so fucking awesome I can’t even believe it?

“The killer app is making calls.”

Really? I thought it was playing crappy little games. Like Squix or whatever the fuck that’s called.

Quad-band GSM + EDGE.

Whatever those are.

Steve calls Jonathan Ive and then Schiller calls and gets conferenced in.

All in the magical, wonderful neighborhood of Apple executives.

Won’t you be my?

Would you be my?

Won’t you be…

…my Apple executive neighbor?

Random access voice mail.

Internet communication device. Rich HTML email. Safari. Google Maps. Widgets! Wi-Fi! EDGE! Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!

Some sushi restaurant just got a hang-up from Steve jobs. “Hello?! Hello?! STEVE?!”

These guys are awfully hung up on this dinner they’re having.

Now he’s doing Safari. Opened the NY Times page which looks really small…

C’mon.

Pinch it.

Pinch it.

Pinch it!

Oh, YEAH! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ‘BOUT, BABY!

He pinched it.

Google Maps. Oh, holy crap Steve just crank called the Starbucks next door.

Now he’s showing the Eiffel Tower and switching from the map to satellite mode.

You know, suddenly I get the feeling I’m in a James Bond movie and the evil genius is revealing his plan.

“And now I’ll show you where I placed the bombs, Mr Bond…”

Google CEO Dr. Eric Schmidt takes the stage.

In a jean shirt with a tie.

What the fuck is that?

“Could computers… XML… blah blah…”

Jerry Yang, co-founder and chief of Yahoo!

“Search… aggregated… blah blah…”

In short, it’s internet in your pants.

Accessories!

Headphones with a microphone. Teeny Bluetooth headset!

Technology!

Whiskey!

S…

Ah, you know the rest.

4GB – $499. 8GB – $599.

Shipping in June.

I wonder if there was a way for him to announce those two things before he announced the product.

Cingular to be the exclusive partner in the U.S.

Cingular CEO Stan Sigman.

“You exceeded my expectations.”

Dude, no offense, but just looking at you, it doesn’t look that hard.

Also, I use your service, so…

And he’s talking.

And talking.

Actually, he’s reading from cards.

…

Holy crap.

Someone get the tranquilizer gun. I don’t think this guy is going to stop.

…

Oh, thank god.

OK, Steve’s back. And, he’s having a clicker malfunction. He quickly fills in with a story about him and Woz. What a champ.

Steve’s thanking all people who worked on the iPhone and all the families. Hey, Steve’s really chocked up. That’s really sweet.

Dude…

You’re not leaving.

You can’t leave us.

Don’t ever leave us.

Not that we’re needy or anything…

Just…

Don’t leave.

We keep on waitin’…

Waitin’ on the world to change…

OK, he’s not leaving.

Cool.