So long, suckers!

Well, now…

Fortunately, someone in the comments of yesterday’s post wrote something so money that we really needn’t have even gotten out of bed. Frankly, we wish more of you commenters would make yourselves useful around here. You don’t all have to be witty. You could make some coffee or go out for donuts or something.

Setting an example for the rest of you slackers, commenter Rip Ragged came up with some absolutely filthy technology-inspired porn.

….her warm, moist vista engulfed my turgid Zune. “Ubuntu, ubuntu,” she repeated as she climbed from a husky whisper to a shrieking, wildly bucking crescendo, “UBUNTU, UBUNTU.”

I collapsed in her arms and murmured into her ear, “Welcome to the social.”

That’s either our first or second favorite dirty comment of all time. Probably second because it’s technically impossible as the Zune is actually currently incompatible with Vista (or maybe that just makes it dirtier). We won’t tell you what the other comment was but it involved Hello Kitty and the Japanese word for something very naughty.

So, flush with the warm glow of Rip Ragged’s torrid opus, you should be set for the next ten days. Those of you in the states, have a happy Thanksgiving.

For those of you elsewhere…

Carry on.

Apple Hires Stock Photo.

Just days after announcing the hiring of Donald J. Rosenberg as General Counsel, Apple today announced that it is making another executive move.

The company is creating a new position – Senior Vice President of Enterprise – which will be charged with developing and implementing Apple’s corporate sales strategy. To fill this position, Apple has hired a stock photo of a smiling executive in a suit.

“I’m thrilled to announce that Stock Photo Guy has joined our executive team, said Apple CEO Steve Jobs, standing next to a picture of his newest recruit.

“Stock Photo Guy has vast experience in the enterprise,” Jobs said. “Whether it’s pointing seriously at something on a screen with an African-American, or pointing at a pie chart with an Asian person or pointing at something off-camera with someone in a wheelchair, Stock Photo Guy has done it all.”

Apple reportedly paid Getty Images $657 to acquire the non-exclusive rights to Stock Photo Guy. Despite the company’s usual policy of exclusive employment, Stock Photo Guy is still available for work in glossy brochures, magazines and catalogs.

Analysts hailed the move and said it fit perfectly with Apple’s enterprise strategy.

“Who better to continue to do nothing than a stock photo?” asked InfoWorld’s Tom Yager.

Stock Photo Guy’s hiring did not please everyone, however.

“They gave him a better parking space than mine,” said a dumbfounded Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson.

“He’s a picture! He doesn’t have a car!”

Apple’s stock was up 1.56 on the announcement.

Microsoft Discontinues the Zune.

Just one day after its release, Microsoft announced today that it is discontinuing the Zune.

Product Manager Scott Erickson said “We gave it our best shot, but it’s become clear that the Zune has failed to gain a purchase in the marketplace.”

Erickson said that the negative reviews and user feedback and Zune reviews that turn into ads for the iPod were overwhelming, creating an insurmountable hill for the Zune to climb.

“People didn’t like the crashing – even with the pictures of chicks getting it on. People didn’t like the weight and the size. People didn’t like the color. People didn’t like the smell of it.”

Holding his Zune up to his face and sniffing it, Erickson muttered “What the hell is that?”

Leaning in, a project engineer said “Sweat socks, sir.”

“Ah. Right.”

Erickson said that the Zune’s termination is actually good news for music fans and fans of Microsoft.

“We heard you loud and clear,” Erickson said. “You said, ‘Fuck no, we don’t want a Zune.’

“Message received.

“That’s why I’m pleased to announce that Microsoft is already working on it’s true iPod killer which we expect to release some time next year.

“Or possibly the year after. But don’t buy any more iPods because you’re really going to want this. Whatever it turns out to be like. Still kicking around some ideas.”

One detail Erickson was able to reveal is that the upcoming “true” iPod killer will feature a totally new DRM system and that any users who have purchased music for the Zune are going to have to buy their tracks all over again.

Internet rumors said it will also allow beamed songs to last for four days or four plays instead of the current three and that it won’t smell like sweat socks as Microsoft recently filed a patent for “a small device that reeks of sauerkraut.”

Microsoft Launches the Zune.

Microsoft released its Zune music player today, a device that the company hopes will challenge the supremacy of the Apple iPod.

In an effort to ensure wide distribution of the device and to leverage its “It’s the social” marketing campaign featuring heroin-chic actors rockin’ out to the Zune, Microsoft has made a bold distribution choice.

In addition to selling the Wi-Fi-enabled Zune through normal retail channels and online, the Zune will also be sold nationally through pushers of heroin and opium derivatives.

“Hey, I’ve got the real stuff, just $399, it’s smokin’ sweet, and brown, real brown,” said one such salesperson encountered on a street in San Francisco’s Tenderloin District.

He declined to provide his name and when asked basic questions about the Zune’s capacity, battery life, and limitations on music exchange, the dealer said, “I’ll cut you!” and moved on.

Analysts fear that some of the target audience – largely 18 to 45, middle-class, white, unmusical individuals with a body-mass index of 25 and higher – may be uncomfortable purchasing their products in cash on unlit streets littered with broken bottles and reeking of urine.

“Hey, that’s how many people buy their first car,” said Zune Product Manager Scott Erickson. Erickson said that his personal car purchase experience was actually much less comfortable and higher pressure.

Responding to criticism of the decision, Erickson said that Microsoft was simply engaging in creative target marketing, as its market research had concluded that anyone interested in buying a Zune would have to already be high on crack.

Zune purchasers can expect follow-up calls, visits, and attacks from the pusher channel, which will demand additional Zune-related purchases every five to 10 days, including music, accessories, additional players, items that fell off trucks, and actual drugs.

In some instances they may move in to your house and use it as a base of operations.

While Microsoft’s new distribution channel has raised some concerns from analysts, another Zune marketing choice is being hailed as a stroke of genius.

According to reviews, all error messages in the Zune software will feature pictures of “girl next door” types engaged in hot lesbian action.

“Users will actually come to want their Zune to crash,” predicted Erickson.

“Which, admittedly, they shouldn’t have to wait long for.”

The Zune went on sale today and large quantities are still reported to be available in all channels.

Inside Apple: The Rosenberg Interview!

Apple announced the hiring of Donald J. Rosenberg today. Rosenberg will serve as Apple’s General Counsel and Crazy Apple Rumors Site has the transcript of his interview with Steve Jobs!

We have no idea why they would record something like this, but they do a lot of weird shit.

And it all manages to find its way to… Inside Apple.

APPLE CEO STEVE JOBS: Thanks for coming in. It’s great to finally meet you.

DONALD J. ROSENBERG: The pleasure’s mine!

JOBS: Now, Donny… May I call you Donny?

ROSENBERG: Uh, well, I’d really rather you didn’t.

JOBS: The Donster?

ROSENBERG: Nnno. I usually just go by Don.

JOBS: How about the Doninator?

ROSENBERG: No.

JOBS: Donny-do-Donny-do-dee-di-do-Donny?

ROSENBERG: Well… you can see how that might be worse than Donny, can’t you?

JOBS: I suppose so. How about Donatello?

ROSENBERG: Um…

JOBS: Great sculptor. Literally a Renaissance man.

ROSENBERG: I guess that’s OK…

JOBS: Also a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, if I’m not mistaken.

ROSENBERG: Huh.

JOBS: OK, Donatello, let’s get started. I notice on your resumé that you’ve only been at IBM since January. That’s not a long time. Care to tell me why you’ve decided to go job-hopping?

ROSENBERG: Uh, well, I guess because you actively recruited me and offered me a whole boatload of money to come to Apple because I haven’t been associated with any stock-option scandals and I know a lot about intellectual property.

JOBS: Hmm. Are you sassin’ me, boy?

ROSENBERG: No.

JOBS: You seem like you might have an attitude problem.

ROSENBERG: Not at all.

JOBS: You’re not one of those rebels are you?

ROSENBERG: Uhn-uh.

JOBS: A loose cannon?

ROSENBERG: No sir.

JOBS: Only out for yourself?

ROSENBERG: Not me.

JOBS: A bad actor, on the edge?

ROSENBERG: Very far from the edge.

JOBS: How far?

ROSENBERG: Like, a mile and a half. Maybe two miles.

JOBS: Really? Wow. That’s pretty good. I’m only about a hundred yards on a good day.

ROSENBERG: I see.

JOBS: Still, you can’t be me. I don’t expect that. That’d be all wrong. I mean, then we’d have two offices with “Steve Jobs” written on them. It’d be very confusing.

ROSENBERG: Right.

JOBS: You’d get all my email. I’d get all yours.

ROSENBERG: It’d be insanity.

JOBS: Exactly. OK, now, our last General Counsel had breasts. You don’t seem to have any noticeable breasts.

ROSENBERG: Um… uh… thank… you?

JOBS: But you are open to adding breasts later should we require it for, you know, diversity purposes.

ROSENBERG: Nnno.

JOBS: Oh. Well… that’s going to be kind of a problem… Ah, never mind. I’ll just get [Senior Vice President of the iPod Division] Tony [Faddell] to wear a dress. He’s got the legs for it.

ROSENBERG: If you say so.

JOBS: I do. You should see him. Guy must have played soccer or something. I don’t roll that way, but if I did… whoo. Damn.

ROSENBERG: …

JOBS: Well. Let’s move on.

ROSENBERG: Please.

JOBS: Hmm. Hmm. [mumbles] IBM.

ROSENBERG: What’s that?

JOBS: I. B. M.

ROSENBERG: Yes. That’s… where I work now.

JOBS: I’ve heard of them.

ROSENBERG: Uh, sure you have.

JOBS: I could have worked for them if I had wanted to.

ROSENBERG: Oh?

JOBS: You’re not such a big shot.

ROSENBERG: I didn’t say…

JOBS: They just wanted me to move further away from the edge. Like a good 500 yards. And I didn’t want to do that.

ROSENBERG: OK.

JOBS: Yeah. So, if you work for IBM, that means you’ve spent most of this year in New York state… Quick! Mets or Yankees?!

ROSENBERG: Um… uh… Knicks!

JOBS: Ah… very clever. Very clever. Truth be told, I don’t know jack about baseball, it’s more of a psychological question. Like, “If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” See how you think on your feet. You handled that like a pro.

ROSENBERG: Oh. Well, great!

JOBS: I’m very pleased with what I’m seeing here, Donatello. If you do well in the swimsuit competition, I think you might be our next General Counsel!

ROSENBERG: Fabulous! Well, I’ll just… uh… did you say “swimsuit competition”?

JOBS: Just a formality.

ROSENBERG: How much money, exactly, are you throwing at me again?

JOBS: A lot.

ROSENBERG: Mmm. OK.

JOBS: And, hey, how about some backdated stock options?!

ROSENBERG: Uh… no…

JOBS: Ahh, I’m just kidding! You need to lighten up. You seem a little serious.