Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Oh my god! Dude! Did you see this?!
A: Oh. Yeah. That’s really nice. Microsoft is trying to retrain Columbian militants so they can return to civilian life as IT specialists. I think that’s great.
Q: What?! Are you blind? And stupid?
A: Uh… well, I’m not blind…
Q: You’ve got to read between the lines, man! Microsoft’s not retraining them! They’re recruiting them! Don’t be so naive! It’s game on, man! It’s Microsoft’s Columbian militants against Apple’s lesbian ninja sexbots!
A: Oh, no, no, no. That’s way off base. This is just something nice Microsoft is doing.
Q: Oh, man! Wake up and smell the military buildup!
A: Dude, no. Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows that Microsoft’s army… is all flying monkeys.
Q: Uh… oh. Huh. Well, now I just feel stupid. I mean… duh. Of course it’s flying monkeys. Jeez. Stupid. Stupid.
A: Well, your heart was in the right place. You were assuming the worst about Microsoft.
Q: Thanks. You didn’t have to say that.

Q: Hey, how did that poll you put up the other day turn out?
A: Well, not surprisingly, readers picked Gisele Bundchen to replace Steve Jobs.
Q: Oh, yeah! Excellent! When does she start?!
A: We were a little disappointed by the results as we thought frying bacon would have done better. Fourth? What is that? It’s bacon for crying out loud!
Q: Can we get back to Gisele and her possible start date?
A: Well, I probably shouldn’t get too wound up over the results. I mean, the whole thing’s run on some code we got from Diebold, so it was probably hacked by pro-Bundchen elements within about five minutes.
Q: Oh! Oh! Pro-Bundchen elements?! I want to be a pro-Bundchen element! Where do I sign up for that?!
A: I guess it really wasn’t fair to frying bacon. Boba Fett and Gigantor… that’s some stiff competition. Verdeschi never had a chance, of course.
Q: Oh, my god, could she do the Macworld keynote?! Could she?! Could she?! Could she?! Oh, my fucking god, could she?!
A: Uh… what? No. No. This was just a straw poll. It’s not binding or anything.
Q: … I… I hate you.

Q: I have an Apple portable that I’ve been having trouble with. I think it’s got that random shutdown problem I’ve been reading about.
A: Wait, wait, wait, wait. This isn’t one of those questions where your “Apple portable” is actually a Newton and the reason it’s shutting down randomly is because it’s ten years old, is it?
Q: No, this is one of those questions where it’s a product from the future and the reason it’s shutting down has something to do with aliens.
A: Ah. OK.
Q: Uh…
A: So… we’re done here.
Q: Well, I’ve got nothing else, so unless you want to talk about something…
A: Well… nah. Forget it.
Q: No. What?
A: It’s just… I mean… OK, it was a nasty pitch, but Beltran should have at least swung at it! I mean, two outs in the bottom of the ninth?! C’mon!
Q: Just let it go, man.

Apple's Quarterly Results.

Apple announced its quarterly results yesterday, easily besting the Wall Street estimates.

The company shipped an astonishing 1.6 million Macs in its best quarter ever. Analysts indicated that proved that the “iPod halo” effect truly is working for the company.

It’s easy to understand how iPod sales could drive Mac sales, as Apple shipped 360 million iPods for the quarter, with many customers buying 3, 4, even 10 iPods each, sometimes giving one to their pet.

While a low margin product, Apple moved over 1.5 trillion units of the Mighty Mouse, one to every third person on the planet. The company has not yet determined if these were evenly distributed across the globe or not.

“It’s possible India bought them all,” said CFO Peter Oppenheimer. “Or China. I don’t know why they’d do that…

“Party favors, possibly. We’re still looking into it.”

Oppenheimer also said Apple’s margin increased to 230%. The company sold 9 trillion copies of iLife, 180 trillion movies and television shows and 4.4 quadrillion songs on iTunes.

“We also renewed four .Mac accounts,” Oppenheimer said.

“That’s up 33% from last quarter.”

LIVEBLOGGING!

The staff of Crazy Apple Rumors Site is at Meconi’s Pub & Eatery in beautiful downtown Tacoma doing some Apple source development.

LIVE!

Uh…

LIVE!

Come on into the comments and we’ll prove it.

UPDATE: Here’s some proof. My date time was supposed to be in the bottom right but my camera phone washed it out.

School Kids Still Using Dangerous Batteries.

Sources in the Rancho DeLano, Ariz. school district say technicians there have still not replaced recalled batteries in the 3, 00 Apple laptops used by its schools. Because of political concerns over the appearance of having laptops without batteries, district officials instructed technicians to keep the batteries in rather than pulling them and waiting for replacements.

When reached for comment, school officials defended the policy, saying kids sometimes need to learn “tough lessons” and sometimes that means exposing them to exploding batteries, but that kids are far more resilient than adults think.

“That’s why children are our greatest asset,” said superintendent Scott Madritch.

“They’re almost completely impervious to fire.

“It’s true. You can look it up.”

Coughing nervously, Madritch said “We don’t want to look bad. These laptop purchasing decisions can be highly charged. Almost as highly charged as these laptop batteries!

“Ha-ha! Ha! Ahhh…”

In lieu of actually replacing the batteries, district officials recommended:

  • Placing a Mr. Yuck sticker on the battery.
  • Asking the kids to put on a skit where a group of young toughs using explosive batteries tries to peer pressure another youth into using an explosive battery. In the end, they all learn a valuable lesson about themselves.
  • Doubling the number of fire drills and “drop and roll” exercises.
  • Counting third degree burns as “extra credit.”

One fan of the policy was technician Len Burrows.

“This saves me a lot of trouble,” Burrows said. “I wasn’t looking forward to pulling all those batteries and having to look at all those numbers to try to figure out if they were bad.

“This way I just wait for the laptops to explode. It’s easy.”

Fifteen minutes into the interview, school officials suddenly declined to comment.

First Ever CARS Poll!

In recent days, several sites have asked for reader input on who Steve Jobs’ eventual replacement should be. The only problem with the polls put forth by these other sites is…

The lists of potential replacements?

Lame.

I mean, who’s this “Tim Cook” guy? I think that’s a fake name. I don’t think he actually exists. Some guy with a southern accent who works at Apple? Does that even make any sense?

And, yes, we know, love, respect and party with Phil Schiller, but Phil simply cannot replace Steve. Why? Because he’s already committed to a world-wide tour of his one-man play Phil! for the next two years and then he’s supposedly cast to play John Carter in John Carter of Mars.

So Crazy Apple Rumors Site has compiled its list of serious candidates to replace Apple CEO Steve Jobs. These candidates were selected for their technological acumen as well as their vibrant personalities.

CARS will compile your responses to this poll and do absolutely nothing with them.

Gisele Bundchen

After appearing in one of the most recent Get A Mac ads, Bundchen has Apple marketing experience. And talk about someone you’d like to groom for CEO! I mean, I’d do her bikini wax, if you know what I mean.

OK, that’s not really a double entendre…

Space: 1999’s Tony Verdeschi

Surely the cream of the rather poor crop of heroes of 1970s science fiction television. And look at the size of his head! Holy crap! He’s got TV-anchorman head! His head is way out of proportion to the rest of his body. And that hair… ooh… that hair… You know, I don’t swing that way, but if I did swing that way…

Uh, well, the point is I don’t. Also, the Commlink is the clear precursor of the iPhone, so the guy’s already got the chops to cut it in the technology world.

Boba Fett

Yes, yes, I know. He just fell into the Sarlacc. But, really, that’s more the fault of George Lucas’ lack of imagination than it is a fault of the Fett. Plus, if you believe the comic book is a true story line in the Star Wars universe, then he killed the Sarlacc from the inside, crawled out of it and continued to be a badass.

Frying bacon

What has more sizzle than frying bacon? Nuthin’!

Gigantor

Gigantor literally is technology. Plus he’s a fricking 30-foot-tall ass-kicking robot. And the remote control that Shotaro used to control him had like two buttons on it, a model of design simplicity well suited to Apple’s standards.

Now… take the poll!