We’re otherwise engaged today, but in the comments section please let us know your favorite existential writer.
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If you don’t know one, just say Sartre.
Apple Files For "Mac Pro" Trademark.
In an interesting turn of events, several sites reported today that Apple has filed for a trademark on the name “Mac Pro.” Analysts contacted by Crazy Apple Rumors Site today say that – in light of the recent name changes from PowerPC-based Macs to Intel-based Macs – this can only mean one thing.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs is changing his name to “Mac Pro.”
This bizarre news was taken as yet another sign of Jobs’ famously megalomaniacal nature.
“This really just goes to show Jobs’ arrogance,” said technology columnist Glenn Fleishman. “The true Mac pros are the coders, the design geeks and the hackers.
“What does Steve do? A couple of Keynote presentations a year? Pff.”
Many suspected that Jobs’ attempt to claim “le Mac, c’est moi” would backfire, starting a wave of anti-Jobs hysteria throughout the Mac community.
“Apple has been enjoying a string of successes,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue. “It would be a shame for the company to now alienate its most valuable resource – its dedicated fan base – simply to satisfy the ego of its chief executive.
“Who, apparently, wants people to refer to himself as ‘Mac Pro.’
“Hmm. I wonder if there’s some other explanation for this. ‘Cause that seems kind of weird, even for Jobs.”
The move is not unprecedented, however. Former Apple CEO Michael Spindler, for example, insisted for three months in the summer of 1995 that all Mac users refer to him as “Princess Glenda of the Wood.”
Jobs is expected to make the announcement of his new name at Apple’s Worldwide Developers Conference in August.
Apple Announces Deal With Nike, More Coming.
Apple and Nike announced the Nike+iPod Sport Kit today, a system that transmits your exercise stats from your shoes to your iPod for visual readout and tracking.
This is not the first time Apple has teamed up with a clothing vendor and sources indicate Apple is working on other wearable computing alliances.
According to internal documents forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site by those in the know, Apple is teaming up with the following companies:
Pampers – For the lackadaisical parent, the Pampers In-Diaper Alert System tells your iPod when baby is wet, poopy or has chafing of the nimbus. Of course, if your blood alcohol level weren’t the same as the scotch and soda in your hand, you’d probably notice that stuff but, whatever, June Cleaver.
L.L. Bean – Your iPod will instantly recognize those formless sacks of natural materials you attempt to pass off as clothing and begin playing your hippie freak love-in music for you, you god damn commie.
Abercrombie & Fitch – The Poser Package includes a sensor that tells your iPod you’re wearing your way hip A & F garb and your iPod then plays some way cool tunes for you because you’re so awesome and boss!
Frickin’ poser.
Victoria’s Secret – The system includes leather crotchless thong underwear with a push-up bikini top and lace camisole with garters and fishnet stockings, all linked into the iPod nano to monitor friction and tension of the… the various… straps and… the fullness of the… cups… uhhhhhh…………… I’m sorry, I blacked out. What was I saying?
Look for these at an Apple Store near you later this year.
You frickin’ poser.
Apple Releases Open Source Sandwich.
Just days after rumors began to swirl that Apple had decided to close the Darwin kernel, the company attempted to demonstrate its commitment to open source today by open sourcing a sandwich.
According to a spokesperson for Caffe Macs, Apple has open-sourced the Thursday “Meal Deal”, a warm turkey sandwich known as “the Gobbler.”
Documents forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site by sources indicate that the Gobbler is compiled by conducting the following steps in order:
- Slice open 1/2 of a French baguette.
- Toast the baguette lightly.
- Spread both sides with mayonnaise.
- Place a heaping portion of premium sliced turkey breast on one side and cover with provolone cheese.
- Spread horseradish on the other side.
- Toast again until the cheese melts.
- Serve hot.
Some Apple followers derided the move as a diversionary tactic on Apple’s part to deflect criticism over locking down the Darwin kernel.
Ars Technica’s John Siracusa said “If Apple believes it’s going to make us forget about the Darwin kernel by offering up this toasty sandwich, with gooey melted cheese and spicy horseradish, smothered in rich mayonnaise… mmm… all inside French bread that’s both soft and crispy… oh, yeah… that’s the stuff…
“What was I talking about?”
Siracusa, who noted he hadn’t had lunch yet, was soon speculating about hacking the sandwich to include bacon and possibly even avocado.
Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.
Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I don’t really have a question, but I wanted to point out this great list of OS 9 rememberances.
A: OS 9 rememberances?
Q: You know, like rebuilding the desktop?
A: Ah, it’s a magical trip down memory lane!
Q: Speaking of memory, what about setting memory allocations for each application?
A: Good times! Or living in the constant fear that you’ll lock up and the app will take the whole system down with it?
Q: Mmm! Yes! Using OS 9 was quite bracing, wasn’t it? Like riding the old wooden roller coaster at a no-name theme park! But my favorite was the deep, unspoken fear that a Windows 95 just might actually be better.
A: Oh, my god, I thought it was just me! And how about how it felt exactly like undressing in the high school locker room and having everyone laugh at you each time you had tell someone you were a Mac user!?
Q: Right! Wait… what?
A: Uh… well… I heard some… other guys felt that way. I never had that happen to me… in high school…
Q: I read this week on your site that Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen is gone and I was thinking it’d be a good time to initiate my lawsuit against Apple.
A: Ah! Strike them while they’re weakest.
Q: Exactly. The only problem is, I can’t decide on what to sue them for.
A: Well, I’m sure there are so many things… so many ways they’ve wronged you.
Q: Oh, there are. Right now I’m considering “Mighty Mouse infestation” or “MacBook Pro-induced crotch burn.” If neither of those fly, I’ve got basic “Mac addiction” as my backup.
A: Those are all good, but might I suggest “Apple Cinema Display envy”?
Q: I actually have an Apple Cinema Display, though.
A: Oh. What about “Titanium poisoning”?
Q: Darn the luck, I’m an iBook guy. “Trackpad finger chafing”?
A: Well, the last guy who tried suing for that had his case tossed out of court after he was shown to be a chronic masturbator.
Q: Oh. Huh. Well… how did they define “chronic”?
A: Uh… why don’t you just go with “Mac addiction”? I mean… defining “chronic masturbation” is probably not territory you want to get into on the stand.
Q: Phew! Not again! Not after my divorce hearing.
A: Over sharing, dude.
Q: Hey, I need a little help. I came into the new Apple Store in New York and…
A: Oh, my god! How is it?!
Q: It’s great. It’s big and, well, you see, it’s just that… well… that… I’m lost.
A: Oh. You got lost in the Apple Store?
Q: Uh… yeah. I took a wrong turn around the theater and ended up in this hall of mirrors. I got kind of turned around I think. It was kind of disorienting. But I broke open one of the mirrors… I’m not sure if I was supposed to do that… but there was this tube so I jumped into it. It dumped me out in this gigantic room where there were stairs coming out of the walls and the ceiling and people were walking up and down them upside down. I tried yelling to them but they just turned and waved. That was kind of freaky. I managed to make it out of there by ducking into this wardrobe, though, but that just led to a sylvan glen full of fauns and centaurs and, jeez, do you know how much fauns and centaurs smell?
A: Uh, no.
Q: Oh, my god. I’m like, “What did you roll in?” And they’re like, “What do you mean?” It was really awkward. Anyway, there was this rabbit hole, so I crawled into that and…
A: Wait, wait, wait. Where are you now?
Q: I’m not completely sure but I think I’m just coming out of a black hole somewhere on the far edge of the universe.
A: Damn. You get good cell reception.
Q: I can see quasars.
A: Uh… I think this is a little beyond me. Let me get the Entity.
Q: That’d probably be good. And could you hurry? I’ve gotta pee like a racehorse.