It’s a slow day here at the top secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters.
You know, we really should take down that big sign out front that says “CRAZY APPLE RUMORS SITE”.
But then, that’s exactly what they’d expect us to do…
Frankly, I’m not even sure who we’re afraid might find us. Apple’s legal department called me at home, for crying out loud. I can’t think of anyone else – well, other than the Pennsylvania State Police – who might be looking for us.
And that thing in Pennsylvania was years ago now…
Still…
What with the shoot-out and the 13 virgins and the goat and the waffles…
Ha-ha! Oooooooohhhhhh, man…
Were we drunk.
I thought we’d never get the ranch dressing stains out of the carpet in the back of the van. And, hey, a shout out to Claire and the girls at Allentown Local 360 Ladies Steel Welders Union! Sisters are doin’ it for themselves, right, girls?!
Any-hoo, like I said, it’s a slow day here and we’re mostly just cutting Valentine’s Day decorations out of construction paper… you know… just making the place look festive. Although Ugluk’s just got his head down on his desk.
Sometimes when he’s doing that he’s eating something and he doesn’t want to share it with anyone. He did that with a big pork chop last week. But right now I think he’s just napping. He was up late last night making a hex-head screwdriver out of flint. It’s very impressive.
I’m a little concerned about the Entity, though. He keeps giving Valentines to the vending machine. I know he’s been attached to it since he first discovered the pleasure of Baked Lays, but I just don’t think it’s ready for a commitment and I hate to see him throwing himself at it.
He’s doesn’t quite have the process down, either. One of the Valentines he taped to the machine said “DEAR VENDOTRON 88-BA, PLEASE CONTINUE TO PROVIDE TREATS FOR MONEY. IT’S WHAT I LOVE MOST ABOUT YOU.”
How weird is that? That is not the hallmark of a healthy relationship between equals. And it is so using him. I mean, the markup on those chips is insane. It’s only interested in his money. And it lets the Vendotron guy do anything he wants with it. It’s disgusting.
Stocking and re-stocking, over and over and over…
Uh…
You know, I think I’m going to put my head down for a little while.